I have not been coming to TP or posting too much the last few months. (I did post about the employee recently)
After many years of doing my best with acceptance and finding moments of joy (we have been in this process since 2002), I am really worn out. I am quite lucky and have said many times here that I have fairly good support. But the efforts of maintaining that support, ie thru constant replenishing of carers thru the interview, hiring and submission to authorities process is a bit tiring in and of itself.
Just recently my OH is starting to real problems with spacial awareness. When he is walking (which he is still doing quite a bit of but this is more limited than it used to be) and with toilets. He is starting to just urinate on the floor....not so much at home although it has happened but particularly when we are visiting homes of our daughter and friends. My sweet daughters response was, " oh mom, you are just going to have to carry paper towels and bacterial floor wipes when you visit people." She meant it as a positive solution. But you know I am just tired of living with solutions....it is easier to stay at home. But that means, I stay at home more and more and I see that is what is happening to me. I am losing the will and the drive to keep pushing forward..and sustaining my own interests hobbies and pleasures.
We had a scary event recently. We had taken a long walk about 2.5 hours and then went into town for some shopping. After shopping, I decided we could take the tram. Our bodies were side by side and I think probably touching. I had to let two people off the tram and my hands were full with shopping. I got on and started looking for seats together. I turned and to tell Nick to get in first, only to see him out on the platform, doors closing and the tram pulled away. Luckily, it was only about 3 blocks to the next stop, and I was able to run back to the last platform. And he was awaiting there very anxious and upset....but there. I was exhausted.
I still make sure that he bathes daily and is meticulously turned out.....so when people first see him they are always so impressed with how good and handsome he still is. Shaved, hair trimmed, manicured. I take pride in that he looks so good.....but he is completely vacant and very anxious if I am not right with him. People quickly realize that he is completely disabled now---whereas he could get along for many years sort of getting by with his dementia. No longer.
I think I shared here that our little grandson who was born in November is being christened with his grandfathers full name in June. I have decided that it is now out of the question to attend. Too much for us both. But it is a great disappointment for me. I love Norway, also, we have another grandbaby who arrived yesterday a little girl it would have given us an opportunity to meet both these new members of our family...but it is not to be. But it is about accepting that this is where we are now....and I can only do so much.
As Nick's neuropsychiatrist says "No grand gestures," which has so far been good advice.
Those of you who have known me over the years here at Talking Point, know that I am a lemons to lemonade kind of gal. But I am really really tired at the moment. I am struggling to remain grateful for all that I do have. But like the heroine of Gone with the Wind.....Tomorrow is another Day.
After many years of doing my best with acceptance and finding moments of joy (we have been in this process since 2002), I am really worn out. I am quite lucky and have said many times here that I have fairly good support. But the efforts of maintaining that support, ie thru constant replenishing of carers thru the interview, hiring and submission to authorities process is a bit tiring in and of itself.
Just recently my OH is starting to real problems with spacial awareness. When he is walking (which he is still doing quite a bit of but this is more limited than it used to be) and with toilets. He is starting to just urinate on the floor....not so much at home although it has happened but particularly when we are visiting homes of our daughter and friends. My sweet daughters response was, " oh mom, you are just going to have to carry paper towels and bacterial floor wipes when you visit people." She meant it as a positive solution. But you know I am just tired of living with solutions....it is easier to stay at home. But that means, I stay at home more and more and I see that is what is happening to me. I am losing the will and the drive to keep pushing forward..and sustaining my own interests hobbies and pleasures.
We had a scary event recently. We had taken a long walk about 2.5 hours and then went into town for some shopping. After shopping, I decided we could take the tram. Our bodies were side by side and I think probably touching. I had to let two people off the tram and my hands were full with shopping. I got on and started looking for seats together. I turned and to tell Nick to get in first, only to see him out on the platform, doors closing and the tram pulled away. Luckily, it was only about 3 blocks to the next stop, and I was able to run back to the last platform. And he was awaiting there very anxious and upset....but there. I was exhausted.
I still make sure that he bathes daily and is meticulously turned out.....so when people first see him they are always so impressed with how good and handsome he still is. Shaved, hair trimmed, manicured. I take pride in that he looks so good.....but he is completely vacant and very anxious if I am not right with him. People quickly realize that he is completely disabled now---whereas he could get along for many years sort of getting by with his dementia. No longer.
I think I shared here that our little grandson who was born in November is being christened with his grandfathers full name in June. I have decided that it is now out of the question to attend. Too much for us both. But it is a great disappointment for me. I love Norway, also, we have another grandbaby who arrived yesterday a little girl it would have given us an opportunity to meet both these new members of our family...but it is not to be. But it is about accepting that this is where we are now....and I can only do so much.
As Nick's neuropsychiatrist says "No grand gestures," which has so far been good advice.
Those of you who have known me over the years here at Talking Point, know that I am a lemons to lemonade kind of gal. But I am really really tired at the moment. I am struggling to remain grateful for all that I do have. But like the heroine of Gone with the Wind.....Tomorrow is another Day.
