Mum has now been in her care home for just over a month, still early days I guess. I visit her about 3 times a week after having previously cared for her and seen her everyday. She is not happy. Every time I go she complains that no one speaks to her, I know the care staff do but to be honest the other residents don't really speak with each other. Mum was/is a very sociable person and takes this non communication to heart and thinks they are all ignoring her which makes her cross and irritable. I have returned home today having spent an hour with her telling me no one ever comes to see her, they never feed her, all they want is money, it's 'hell on earth' etc. There was no way I was going to change her mood today whatever I said. I struggle with this, it makes me upset to see her like this and hear her talk like this even though I know she is well cared for. I'm worried this behaviour will also prevent her building positive relationships with some of her carers. I am the only person who visits her on a regular basis with my brother living abroad and sister too far away to visit more than 2 or 3 times a year. Consequently I get all this negativity even though I am the only person to see her. She keeps telling me when my brother comes he will sort it all out, he knows what he is doing! He too only sees her two or three times a year and can then go away again and forget all about it. I'm sure my relatives think that now she's in a care home everything is fine and I can get on with my life, sadly we can't all switch off our emotions that easily. Sorry for the rant the last two visits have left me feeling pretty sad and upset.
Care Home Visits
- Thread starter Sunny Days 321
- Start date
My mother-in-law was like this when she was in her care home although to be honest as she was so negative throughout her life anyway the sort of moans and groans were not unusual. I would suggest that you cut down on your visits we only visited my mother-in-law once a week for half an hour and then it was timed just before a meal which gave us an excuse to leave.
She needs to get into the routine of having other people around her and looking after her. If you are visiting frequently then you are reminding her of what she had at home . To be honest the behaviour you are describing sounds quite normal to me for a person with dementia in a care home. When we used to speak to staff I found that in fact it was a very different story and that my mother-in-law was involved in the activities when she saw us of course she gave us the full blast of how awful it was
No need to be sorry for 'the rant'. You are struggling with an emotional problem that is difficult, to say the least.
I haven't had to face this situation with my wife but I have read posts where it's suggested that a true picture may not be being painted when you visit. Some members have found that a chat with the staff has revealed that their loved one is generally happy as the norm so it may be worth talking to staff.
Maybe trying diversion as a tactic would assist when the complaints start.
I haven't had to face this situation with my wife but I have read posts where it's suggested that a true picture may not be being painted when you visit. Some members have found that a chat with the staff has revealed that their loved one is generally happy as the norm so it may be worth talking to staff.
Maybe trying diversion as a tactic would assist when the complaints start.
Im not convinced that the "no-one talks to her" is true, after all, she is also saying that no-one comes to visit her, no-one feeds her etc etc - which you know is not true. These sort of complaints are normal and best taken with a pinch of salt.
How often are you visiting and how long do you stay? If you have always visited most days and usually stay for several hours then she is probably just living for your visits and is not making any attempt to learn the care home routine or get to know the other residents and staff. I would cut down the visits and only stay for a short time. Perhaps you might think about not visiting for a week. If you are worried that she would feel abandoned, you might like to send a picture postcard every day - the sort that we used to send when we were on holiday - with a simple message on it that she can read.
The other thing is that your mum might be picking up on your mood. I know that my mum would often mirror my mood and could usually pick up if I was upset. She may be picking up that you are upset and, in turn, this is making her upset too. So, go in with an upbeat demeanour and staple a bright smile on your face, even if you dont feel that way. If you can see the way the conversation is going try distracting her. I used to take in cake or sweets for these very times. If that doesnt work, try going to the loo and see if she has forgotten her complaints by the time you get back, otherwise, be prepared to cut your visits short.
Its not easy in the early stages.
How often are you visiting and how long do you stay? If you have always visited most days and usually stay for several hours then she is probably just living for your visits and is not making any attempt to learn the care home routine or get to know the other residents and staff. I would cut down the visits and only stay for a short time. Perhaps you might think about not visiting for a week. If you are worried that she would feel abandoned, you might like to send a picture postcard every day - the sort that we used to send when we were on holiday - with a simple message on it that she can read.
The other thing is that your mum might be picking up on your mood. I know that my mum would often mirror my mood and could usually pick up if I was upset. She may be picking up that you are upset and, in turn, this is making her upset too. So, go in with an upbeat demeanour and staple a bright smile on your face, even if you dont feel that way. If you can see the way the conversation is going try distracting her. I used to take in cake or sweets for these very times. If that doesnt work, try going to the loo and see if she has forgotten her complaints by the time you get back, otherwise, be prepared to cut your visits short.
Its not easy in the early stages.
I agree with the others, it may be best to cut down on your visits, at the moment she is depending on you for company,. You are right that sometimes you can't change her mood, and if the visit turns into a stream of negatives you may want to leave early as it won't help her to dwell on a list of complaints. She needs to learn new routines and make new relationships, and she won't do that if she is relying on you. I am willing to bet carers do spend time with her, although obviously not in such a focussed way as you do.
My mother was unsettled for the first month or so, she didn't join in much to begin with, it took several weeks for her to get into the groove. The CH is now genuinely her home and she is very comfortable there.
My mother was unsettled for the first month or so, she didn't join in much to begin with, it took several weeks for her to get into the groove. The CH is now genuinely her home and she is very comfortable there.
I'm in an almost identical position - I do all the visiting, brother comes 3 times a year. Mum's been in the CH over 2 years now but her complaints have remained much the same since day one!
I think part of the problem is this: when mum tells me a train crashed in the corridor or the bloke in the next room was partying all night so she couldn't sleep, it's easy to dismiss.
But when she says something that is halfway rational, even if unlikely (e.g. I've had nothing to eat all day, not even a drink.) I find myself wondering if there is any truth in it. This is particularly true if it's something I might be concerned about.
Unlike your mum, mine is completely unsociable as she thinks everyone is beneath her. (She's always been like that.) So she won't take part in any activities and mostly stays in her room reading. Unfortunately her ability to read is rapidly going so mostly she is bored and complains about that more than anything. She has taken to what I call 'staff-bothering' though fortunately they are very tolerant. (Much more than I would be.)
You may find your mum will settle in a while and join in more when her confidence grows and she is more familiar with the routine. Or she may continue to moan as my mother does. (And has, all her flippin' life)
But I wouldn't worry too much. If you adopt 'bright & breezy' mode when you visit, it helps.
I think part of the problem is this: when mum tells me a train crashed in the corridor or the bloke in the next room was partying all night so she couldn't sleep, it's easy to dismiss.
But when she says something that is halfway rational, even if unlikely (e.g. I've had nothing to eat all day, not even a drink.) I find myself wondering if there is any truth in it. This is particularly true if it's something I might be concerned about.Unlike your mum, mine is completely unsociable as she thinks everyone is beneath her. (She's always been like that.) So she won't take part in any activities and mostly stays in her room reading. Unfortunately her ability to read is rapidly going so mostly she is bored and complains about that more than anything. She has taken to what I call 'staff-bothering' though fortunately they are very tolerant. (Much more than I would be.)
You may find your mum will settle in a while and join in more when her confidence grows and she is more familiar with the routine. Or she may continue to moan as my mother does. (And has, all her flippin' life
)But I wouldn't worry too much. If you adopt 'bright & breezy' mode when you visit, it helps.
Mum has been in a nursing home now for 6 months and for last few weeks has done nothing but moan, be rude about everyone - staff or residents they have all come in for a tongue lashing. According to her she isn't eating and nobody bothers with her. From what we have seen this is obviously not the case (apart from the being rude). The home has various activities that when we visit Mum refuses to take part in, saying - well I won't repeat what she says as I would probably get banned from here, so I will leave it to you to guess what comes out of her mouth. We have however, sometimes "lurked" round the corner to watch what does happen as I was getting upset about what mum was saying, and the truth was she does join in, not always but most of the time the staff can jolly her along and she does join in with a smile on her face.
I have caught the backlash from mum, being hit and spat at, whilst my brother can do no wrong - that part I find hard to take sometimes. I fully understand what you say that others think that everything is fine because Mum is in a home - yes I no longer worry that I am going to find her on the floor but I still worry about her and have found it difficult to "let go". I am now getting better at not believing everything that comes out of her mouth is the truth.
Sending hugs your way
I have caught the backlash from mum, being hit and spat at, whilst my brother can do no wrong - that part I find hard to take sometimes. I fully understand what you say that others think that everything is fine because Mum is in a home - yes I no longer worry that I am going to find her on the floor but I still worry about her and have found it difficult to "let go". I am now getting better at not believing everything that comes out of her mouth is the truth.
Sending hugs your way
Further to my post above, I remember my mother-in-law shouting to me about she had nothing to do in the home. Well the home has a Facebook page and there she was in one of their photos busy making a floral arrangement. If I had challenged her on it of course she would have denied it.
Thank you, it might be useful to visit less often. I think the problem there is as I am literally the only one available to visit her I feel guilty if I don't. It's a case of 'dammed if you do and dammed if you don't'! You may be right, I'll give it a go. Thank you.
You're probably right, who knows what goes on when we are not there! TBH I did leave early today, I guess I will just brush myself down and try again! It's been a long week so maybe I just found it harder to cope with today than usual. Thank you
I think you're probably right about the half rational comments, it can make you wonder if there is any truth in it even if you know in reality there isn't. Despite being sociable mum also sounds similar to your mum in that she thinks she is better than everyone else. She keeps telling me "They have had no education, they've all got dementia!". However she was never like this as we were growing up, embracing all and everyone for who they were. I know she does join in activities as I try to time my visits for when these are going on and I do them with her. Fortunately in mum's CH the residents spend as little time alone in their rooms as possible to prevent feelings of isolation, so I know that she is surrounded by people all day, even if they don't speak to her!!! Thank you for your thoughts.I'm in an almost identical position - I do all the visiting, brother comes 3 times a year. Mum's been in the CH over 2 years now but her complaints have remained much the same since day one!
I think part of the problem is this: when mum tells me a train crashed in the corridor or the bloke in the next room was partying all night so she couldn't sleep, it's easy to dismiss.
Unlike your mum, mine is completely unsociable as she thinks everyone is beneath her. (She's always been like that.) So she won't take part in any activities and mostly stays in her room reading. Unfortunately her ability to read is rapidly going so mostly she is bored and complains about that more than anything. She has taken to what I call 'staff-bothering' though fortunately they are very tolerant. (Much more than I would be.)
You may find your mum will settle in a while and join in more when her confidence grows and she is more familiar with the routine. Or she may continue to moan as my mother does. (And has, all her flippin' life
But I wouldn't worry too much. If you adopt 'bright & breezy' mode when you visit, it helps.
I too have done a bit of 'lurking' and like you have seen (and heard!) mum joining in with activities so am fairly reassured by that. Thinking about today I did notice that a few of the more 'bubbly' carers and her favourite carer were not working today so this may have had something to do with it. I guess it's a learning curve and I have some way to go. Maybe like you I am struggling to let go, I have looked after mum for the past 10 years so I suppose that's not going to happen over night. Thank you, thinking of you.
