Just can't do it!!

hrh

Registered User
Sep 16, 2017
76
0
Awake at 4.30am with total panic, today should be the my mum in law has her assessment whilst in hospital ready for the move to a CH, are we doing the right thing, in hospital this week mum has been treated for a uti infection and delirium, for a few days her delirium seem to be getting better, but today she was so jumbled up, she said she was tired from all the shouting, and a man stealing her box of liqurish allsorts (I know the irony of injustice), but laying awake here with guilt of sending her into a home knowing it was her worse nightmare and she always said she would rather be dead. How do you cope with the decision, or do we just ask for a full package at home and cope till the end comes, mum is physically fit, it's when she gets frustrated and wanting to go home although is at home that causing the problem also not eating at times as it not their house, or toileting too late again people sleeping upstairs, when this happens dad calls us on his (bat) phone and we have to go up and sort her out, should we just let go home and if it escalates then move to the home.. Dad is 96, deaf, blind, and poor mobility, mum is 94 on Saturday coming the will be married 70 years in August..
Thank you all for just listening
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,678
0
Midlands
Please try the residential home. Its hard, very hard, and if she settles down and improves she can go home from there eventually.

I had the same dilemma- except my mum was a recent widow.
From Hospital into a home, a place she never wanted to go.
I kept reminding her that it was simply a place that the Dr Needed her to go to for a bit until she was fully better, and how much nicer it was than the hospital ward.

I knew she wasn't going to get better, and as time passed she ceased asking - as I knew she would.
 

hrh

Registered User
Sep 16, 2017
76
0
Thank you jessbow. Feeling really rotten for mum in law, my husband her son wants to take two weeks compassionate leave to take care of her at home with full package, but dad don't want carers in more than twice a day. and then if it don't work look at homes for her. Then the whole stress starts again.
The dilemma lies heavy in my head and heart.
Thank you for a listening ear
 

hrh

Registered User
Sep 16, 2017
76
0
I had thought to perhaps take them both away to a British legion holiday home, but the dilemma will still be with me as what to do. How can something be as difficult as this, you know the practicality of the need for her care yet, you visualise her sitting in your home, enjoying the cup of tea in a China cup, having her tea watching the quiz programme, walking in the sunshine in the park, contented in life, then back in her own home, the light switches off she becomes agitated, wanting to go home wherever that may be, refusing to shower or even go to bed, so all hell let's loose. How do we justify handing that behaviour and burden to a care home, this is the conflict within me.

Hrh x
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
0
Ireland
My late husband had, all through our life together, been terrified of ending his days in a Nursing Home. He had very bad memories of a state run facility in the US in the 1930s, where his grandfather had spent his last months. In later years, he used to become furious and angrily shout at me that he is NEVER to be put in a home, and try and make me promise. I never promised. I promised that I would take care of him for as long as I possibly could. However, the day came when I no longer could, because his dementia meant he wouldn't allow me to. He violently resisted any help with personal care, and had lashed out with his walking stick at a stranger who happened to be standing in his way. At home, he had not been eating or drinking, and was going downhill rapidly.

I didn't look on it as failing his wishes, moving him to full time care. I looked on it as continuing to provide him with the care that he, by then, so desperately needed and that I, alone, couldn't provide. I couldn't give him the care that a fully staffed, fully equipped nursing home could. It took him a few weeks to settle, but he actually loved it in the home. He had constant company if he wanted it rather than just me, the dining room was like a restaurant, so he ate more. They hda a high ratio of male care staff, and he understood from the uniforms that they were there to help him and never showed any aggression. He loved to walk around, and the wide, flat corridors were much safer than home, where there were steps and door straddles to fall over. It was, tbh, the best thing I could have done. I regained quality time with him, as I could just sit and relax with him.

You see, what he wanted when he didn't need it was one thing. But needs change, and by the time he needed the home, he also found he liked it. He felt very safe and secure there, because no matter how often he got up at night, he always found someone around to help him. So, you might be surprised at how your mum settles.
 

hrh

Registered User
Sep 16, 2017
76
0
Oh ladyA how this causes such conflict of the mind and heart.
Thank you
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
My mother always wanted to avoid a care home - I think 99% of us would say the same, it always sounds like a negative miserable step which no one would volunteer for. But I had to move her to a care home just over a year ago because she was not safe in her own home. I never said the words 'care home' to her, I said she was going on a mini break. I don't know if she ever realised it wasn't a mini break (she doesn't have a grip on time) but after a few weeks she told me she loved it there. She loves the company, and the fact there is always someone there to help and reassure her.

Please don't worry about imposing the type of behaviours you mention on care home staff - they are they are expert in dealing with it. Having seen how my mother's care home works, I can see it can be a very positive step for the person with dementia and their family too.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hi @hrh
you ask
How do we justify handing that behaviour and burden to a care home, this is the conflict within me.
that's exactly what the staff at a care home are there for, it's not a burden to them, it's what they do, and what, in my experience, they enjoy doing
there are 2 people who would be living at home, and seems to me that your husband's dad also has extensive care needs to be taken into account and if he will only accept 2 cafe visits, he's not grasping how it will really be for them both ... your husband can't live with them 24 hours a day
 

Wifenotcarer

Registered User
Mar 11, 2018
341
0
77
Central Scotland
My late husband had, all through our life together, been terrified of ending his days in a Nursing Home. He had very bad memories of a state run facility in the US in the 1930s, where his grandfather had spent his last months. In later years, he used to become furious and angrily shout at me that he is NEVER to be put in a home, and try and make me promise. I never promised. I promised that I would take care of him for as long as I possibly could. However, the day came when I no longer could, because his dementia meant he wouldn't allow me to. He violently resisted any help with personal care, and had lashed out with his walking stick at a stranger who happened to be standing in his way. At home, he had not been eating or drinking, and was going downhill rapidly.

I didn't look on it as failing his wishes, moving him to full time care. I looked on it as continuing to provide him with the care that he, by then, so desperately needed and that I, alone, couldn't provide. I couldn't give him the care that a fully staffed, fully equipped nursing home could. It took him a few weeks to settle, but he actually loved it in the home. He had constant company if he wanted it rather than just me, the dining room was like a restaurant, so he ate more. They hda a high ratio of male care staff, and he understood from the uniforms that they were there to help him and never showed any aggression. He loved to walk around, and the wide, flat corridors were much safer than home, where there were steps and door straddles to fall over. It was, tbh, the best thing I could have done. I regained quality time with him, as I could just sit and relax with him.

You see, what he wanted when he didn't need it was one thing. But needs change, and by the time he needed the home, he also found he liked it. He felt very safe and secure there, because no matter how often he got up at night, he always found someone around to help him. So, you might be surprised at how your mum settles.
Thank you Lady A - what you have described is the outcome I am hoping for, now that OH's 2 weeks in respite have proved to every one that he needs 1 to 1 care 24/7. He has only been home 26 hours and I am at breaking point again.
 

jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
0
South Staffordshire
I’m sitting her in my comfy home, the sun is shining, I’ve cut the lawn and tidied the borders. I’m having a coffee after a late lunch and in a little while I will jump in my car and go to meet my granddaughter. I live alone, my lovely husband died just three years ago after living with Alzheimer’s for 11 years. Looking back I sometimes wonder how either of us survived those 11 years. I was in my 60s, fit and well and it drained me of everything.

From 60 years old, my husband being 62 I was a full time Carer with no outside help. After 7 years and three major crises my husband went into an assessment unit and then to a wonderful nursing home with 1:1 care 24 hours a day. He was fully mobile. It was a wonderful home, Carers really caring, pleasant large bedroom and common rooms and management really approachable and obliging. We were very lucky. I enjoyed being part of the home too as did our children and grandchildren.

As I sit here now would I want to live there? Very definitely NO, I love my home, I can care for myself and enjoy friends and travel but if I should develop Dementia or any other illness that took away my ability to care for myself then yes please, ignore my protests because I don’t understand the predicament I’m in.

@hrh Your parents in law are very elderly and neither capable of looking after each other. I good home will benefit them both, mum being cared for 24 hours a day and Dad at home not having the responsibility of caring. It’s a huge thing for someone of 96 years old to do. He can visit and be a husband again, nothing to do but sit with his wife. I hope you can sort something that is comfortable for you all, nothing is easy when Dementia is involved.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Mum went into her care home straight from hospital and IMO it is the easiest way to organise it.

If your mum goes home then it will be very difficult to manage because SS see that you are "managing" (only in their eyes) and there is much more upheaval, plus trying to persuade the PWD to go.

I told mum she was going to a convalescent hospital which was much nicer than the hospital she was in . She went there as part of her re-ablement and after 6 weeks it was made permanent. Before this, mum had tried to make me promise that I would never put her in a home and before dementia mum would have hated it. By the time mum reached this stage, though, the care home was exactly what she needed and she settled, was happy, joined in the activities and thrived there - which is not what I expected, but was very pleased to see.

I think moving into a care home is a huge marker because it brings home to us exactly how far they have progressed. It feels like failure, but it is not - it is just the next stage.
 

hrh

Registered User
Sep 16, 2017
76
0
I’m sitting her in my comfy home, the sun is shining, I’ve cut the lawn and tidied the borders. I’m having a coffee after a late lunch and in a little while I will jump in my car and go to meet my granddaughter. I live alone, my lovely husband died just three years ago after living with Alzheimer’s for 11 years. Looking back I sometimes wonder how either of us survived those 11 years. I was in my 60s, fit and well and it drained me of everything.

From 60 years old, my husband being 62 I was a full time Carer with no outside help. After 7 years and three major crises my husband went into an assessment unit and then to a wonderful nursing home with 1:1 care 24 hours a day. He was fully mobile. It was a wonderful home, Carers really caring, pleasant large bedroom and common rooms and management really approachable and obliging. We were very lucky. I enjoyed being part of the home too as did our children and grandchildren.

As I sit here now would I want to live there? Very definitely NO, I love my home, I can care for myself and enjoy friends and travel but if I should develop Dementia or any other illness that took away my ability to care for myself then yes please, ignore my protests because I don’t understand the predicament I’m in.

@hrh Your parents in law are very elderly and neither capable of looking after each other. I good home will benefit them both, mum being cared for 24 hours a day and Dad at home not having the responsibility of caring. It’s a huge thing for someone of 96 years old to do. He can visit and be a husband again, nothing to do but sit with his wife. I hope you can sort something that is comfortable for you all, nothing is easy when Dementia is involved.
Thank you for your reply, my conscious is handing over the personal care, especially when she is such a private person. When I go to visit on the hospital ward she looks stunned having come from a quiet environment to other patients in their passion of suffering with the delirium of dm, others further along in their journey not knowing what is ahead or behind them. All at the garden waiting gate, where I'm sure the visit their dearest ones each visit lasting longer and finally pass through the garden gate to where ever. We know this journey is long. I pray this CH is the right one.

Xx
 

hrh

Registered User
Sep 16, 2017
76
0
Mum went into her care home straight from hospital and IMO it is the easiest way to organise it.

If your mum goes home then it will be very difficult to manage because SS see that you are "managing" (only in their eyes) and there is much more upheaval, plus trying to persuade the PWD to go.

I told mum she was going to a convalescent hospital which was much nicer than the hospital she was in . She went there as part of her re-ablement and after 6 weeks it was made permanent. Before this, mum had tried to make me promise that I would never put her in a home and before dementia mum would have hated it. By the time mum reached this stage, though, the care home was exactly what she needed and she settled, was happy, joined in the activities and thrived there - which is not what I expected, but was very pleased to see.

I think moving into a care home is a huge marker because it brings home to us exactly how far they have progressed. It feels like failure, but it is not - it is just the next stage.

Thank you, for your kindness, yes we too are now coming to this conclusion, we took dad into see her yesterday and she wasn't too bothered, other than asking him if where he been. And when he left she just blew him a kiss and off we went, not what we expected at all. How did you settle mum in, should be there before she enters the CH, how long should we stay, what should we pack. X
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
697
0
Awake at 4.30am with total panic, today should be the my mum in law has her assessment whilst in hospital ready for the move to a CH, are we doing the right thing, in hospital this week mum has been treated for a uti infection and delirium, for a few days her delirium seem to be getting better, but today she was so jumbled up, she said she was tired from all the shouting, and a man stealing her box of liqurish allsorts (I know the irony of injustice), but laying awake here with guilt of sending her into a home knowing it was her worse nightmare and she always said she would rather be dead. How do you cope with the decision, or do we just ask for a full package at home and cope till the end comes, mum is physically fit, it's when she gets frustrated and wanting to go home although is at home that causing the problem also not eating at times as it not their house, or toileting too late again people sleeping upstairs, when this happens dad calls us on his (bat) phone and we have to go up and sort her out, should we just let go home and if it escalates then move to the home.. Dad is 96, deaf, blind, and poor mobility, mum is 94 on Saturday coming the will be married 70 years in August..
Thank you all for just listening
One is torn between what is really the inevitable and what tugs at the heart emotionally. The heart says l will cope, l must cope at all costs, l cannot abide the thought of losing a loved one to another place, somewhere strange, unknown. The thought which haunts heart and mind as one, is that of "loss". The loss of someone you hold dear emotionally, physically, from your care, your domain, the home which they inhabit. That is hard and can be traumatic to bear. Yet, for the most part, subject to proper and dedicated standards of care, the Care Home is the appropriate option and one which benefits both the one with dementia and those who have hitherto played the vital role of carer. One has to be ruthless within the whole expression of love, in looking almost entirely at "best interests" for your loved one and set aside emotion, sentiment and so on. My late mother became unmanageable to the point of being impossible to care for. The nightmare at crisis point was like nothing you would wish upon an arch enemy. Three months into being settled into a very good Care Home, there came a transformation. In short, things improved and my mother became calmer and more content. There is no panacea, but you look to the provision and application of "comfort" in its very best form. Therein lies a degree of comfort for you, the carer, which is important. There are no cures currently for dementia, but love manifest in true Care, enables a degree of quality of life. A good Care Home should provide that and in a continuing manner, borne out of awareness, correct and appropriate treatment, evolving out of a fundamental understanding of this disease and the manner in which it presents. All of this embraced by love of humanity itself and total commitment to the role of Care.
 

hrh

Registered User
Sep 16, 2017
76
0
One is torn between what is really the inevitable and what tugs at the heart emotionally. The heart says l will cope, l must cope at all costs, l cannot abide the thought of losing a loved one to another place, somewhere strange, unknown. The thought which haunts heart and mind as one, is that of "loss". The loss of someone you hold dear emotionally, physically, from your care, your domain, the home which they inhabit. That is hard and can be traumatic to bear. Yet, for the most part, subject to proper and dedicated standards of care, the Care Home is the appropriate option and one which benefits both the one with dementia and those who have hitherto played the vital role of carer. One has to be ruthless within the whole expression of love, in looking almost entirely at "best interests" for your loved one and set aside emotion, sentiment and so on. My late mother became unmanageable to the point of being impossible to care for. The nightmare at crisis point was like nothing you would wish upon an arch enemy. Three months into being settled into a very good Care Home, there came a transformation. In short, things improved and my mother became calmer and more content. There is no panacea, but you look to the provision and application of "comfort" in its very best form. Therein lies a degree of comfort for you, the carer, which is important. There are no cures currently for dementia, but love manifest in true Care, enables a degree of quality of life. A good Care Home should provide that and in a continuing manner, borne out of awareness, correct and appropriate treatment, evolving out of a fundamental understanding of this disease and the manner in which it presents. All of this embraced by love of humanity itself and total commitment to the role of Care.
One is torn between what is really the inevitable and what tugs at the heart emotionally. The heart says l will cope, l must cope at all costs, l cannot abide the thought of losing a loved one to another place, somewhere strange, unknown. The thought which haunts heart and mind as one, is that of "loss". The loss of someone you hold dear emotionally, physically, from your care, your domain, the home which they inhabit. That is hard and can be traumatic to bear. Yet, for the most part, subject to proper and dedicated standards of care, the Care Home is the appropriate option and one which benefits both the one with dementia and those who have hitherto played the vital role of carer. One has to be ruthless within the whole expression of love, in looking almost entirely at "best interests" for your loved one and set aside emotion, sentiment and so on. My late mother became unmanageable to the point of being impossible to care for. The nightmare at crisis point was like nothing you would wish upon an arch enemy. Three months into being settled into a very good Care Home, there came a transformation. In short, things improved and my mother became calmer and more content. There is no panacea, but you look to the provision and application of "comfort" in its very best form. Therein lies a degree of comfort for you, the carer, which is important. There are no cures currently for dementia, but love manifest in true Care, enables a degree of quality of life. A good Care Home should provide that and in a continuing manner, borne out of awareness, correct and appropriate treatment, evolving out of a fundamental understanding of this disease and the manner in which it presents. All of this embraced by love of humanity itself and total commitment to the role of Care.

Thank you X how lovely.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
How did you settle mum in, should be there before she enters the CH, how long should we stay, what should we pack. X

When mum first moved to her care home I was advised not to visit for a few days (in fact it was a week) in order to let her settle. It sounds heartless, but if I had been there a lot of the time mum would have been just living for my visits and would not have got to know the care home, other residents and staff. When you visit, be very upbeat and positive - staple a bright smile on your face. Im sure you wont feel like this underneath, but watch your body language as I found that mum would "mirror" my mood, so if I was happy, she would be too, but if I was anxious and unhappy, she would be. I didnt stay long in the early stages - usually about an hour - and I timed my leaving so that I left when a meal, or something else happened to distract her. I also never said goodbye as this would trigger off her insisting on going with me. Instead I used to leave my coat and bag in the managers office and then when it was time to go tell her I needed to talk to someone, or I needed the loo and that I would be back soon - then I would just leave. Be prepared to cut the visit short if she gets stuck in the "want to go home" loop. I found that taking something like cake or sweets to be produced when you can see the way the conversation is going could often divert her.

On the day she moved I packed a case with just the basics (it wasnt intended to be permanent at that stage) clothes, toiletries and her favourite cuddly toy. I unpacked, but it would have been better if I had done it while she was down in the lounge and couldnt see me, so she wouldnt get upset, and (fortunately and most importantly) I took the cases away. Mum was "packing to go home" every night using bin liners or just rolling things up in her coat, but having the cases there would have made everything much, much worse.

Once it was decided that mum would be staying there permanently I decided to bring some things from her home to make it more personal, so I decided to take her back to her home to choose some things. Mistake. Big, big mistake. She no longer recognised it as her home and got very anxious and aggressive wanting to know why I had brought her there, who the home belonged to and didnt believe me when I said it was hers. I had a lot of trouble getting her back to the care home and I never made that mistake again. I chose things that had meant a lot to her - photos, a couple of cross-stitch pictures, a bed throw, a couple of cushions, a couple more cuddly toys, a bed-side cabinet, chest of drawers and her comfortable chair. The CH took the attitude of - if it will fit in her room, it can go in her room - but not all CHs do so check on that if you want to bring in furniture.

Make sure you label absolutely everything, because things tend to go walkabout in care homes - people leave stuff all over the place, other people pick it up convinced it is theirs and lots of people are in and out of rooms all the time. There is no point in being precious about it all - it is just part of living in a dementia home, but you need to make sure that her stuff can be found again. Dont take anything in that is valuable or irreplaceable. Take scans of photos and send in the copies in shatterproof frames. If she insists on wearing jewellery supply cheap costume jewellery.

Oh, gosh, Ive ended up going on far longer than I had intended. I hope all this is not too much information.
 

hrh

Registered User
Sep 16, 2017
76
0
When mum first moved to her care home I was advised not to visit for a few days (in fact it was a week) in order to let her settle. It sounds heartless, but if I had been there a lot of the time mum would have been just living for my visits and would not have got to know the care home, other residents and staff. When you visit, be very upbeat and positive - staple a bright smile on your face. Im sure you wont feel like this underneath, but watch your body language as I found that mum would "mirror" my mood, so if I was happy, she would be too, but if I was anxious and unhappy, she would be. I didnt stay long in the early stages - usually about an hour - and I timed my leaving so that I left when a meal, or something else happened to distract her. I also never said goodbye as this would trigger off her insisting on going with me. Instead I used to leave my coat and bag in the managers office and then when it was time to go tell her I needed to talk to someone, or I needed the loo and that I would be back soon - then I would just leave. Be prepared to cut the visit short if she gets stuck in the "want to go home" loop. I found that taking something like cake or sweets to be produced when you can see the way the conversation is going could often divert her.

On the day she moved I packed a case with just the basics (it wasnt intended to be permanent at that stage) clothes, toiletries and her favourite cuddly toy. I unpacked, but it would have been better if I had done it while she was down in the lounge and couldnt see me, so she wouldnt get upset, and (fortunately and most importantly) I took the cases away. Mum was "packing to go home" every night using bin liners or just rolling things up in her coat, but having the cases there would have made everything much, much worse.

Once it was decided that mum would be staying there permanently I decided to bring some things from her home to make it more personal, so I decided to take her back to her home to choose some things. Mistake. Big, big mistake. She no longer recognised it as her home and got very anxious and aggressive wanting to know why I had brought her there, who the home belonged to and didnt believe me when I said it was hers. I had a lot of trouble getting her back to the care home and I never made that mistake again. I chose things that had meant a lot to her - photos, a couple of cross-stitch pictures, a bed throw, a couple of cushions, a couple more cuddly toys, a bed-side cabinet, chest of drawers and her comfortable chair. The CH took the attitude of - if it will fit in her room, it can go in her room - but not all CHs do so check on that if you want to bring in furniture.

Make sure you label absolutely everything, because things tend to go walkabout in care homes - people leave stuff all over the place, other people pick it up convinced it is theirs and lots of people are in and out of rooms all the time. There is no point in being precious about it all - it is just part of living in a dementia home, but you need to make sure that her stuff can be found again. Dont take anything in that is valuable or irreplaceable. Take scans of photos and send in the copies in shatterproof frames. If she insists on wearing jewellery supply cheap costume jewellery.

Oh, gosh, Ive ended up going on far longer than I had intended. I hope all this is not too much information.

This has all been very good information thank you,
We settled her in, didn't take too many clothes as not to confuse what she needs to be wearing each day.
Last night another resident had entered her room and it really unsettled her, so now I've had a sleepless night of worry about her safety.
I've had all the labels come in the post today so will do that task today.
Thank you for listening X
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Last night another resident had entered her room and it really unsettled her, so now I've had a sleepless night of worry about her safety.
This happens quite a lot in a dementia home - usually because one of the residents has got lost. It isnt usually a safety issue, so dont worry about it too much, but if it is happening quite a lot and your mum is getting upset do mention it to the manager
 

hrh

Registered User
Sep 16, 2017
76
0
This happens quite a lot in a dementia home - usually because one of the residents has got lost. It isnt usually a safety issue, so dont worry about it too much, but if it is happening quite a lot and your mum is getting upset do mention it to the manager
This morning mum was shell shocked, the report is the resident woke her up, she was obviously frightened.and apparently barricaded herself in with a chair at the door, the staff eventually managed to persuade her to move the chair, spent time with her to try and calm her, then said they would lick her door so she would feel safe. Now she is on the loop about locked doors and the accident this morning, would I be staying with HER!! It is heart breaking to see her like this. And just now called in to check in on dad, only to find him in the hall way on the floor as him tripped and been there since 3 clock. The day not getting any better. Am really stressed. X
 

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