Hubby's getting worseof

[McPhee]

I can't remember the last time I posted here but a lot has happened since then. He's punched me several times, police called, memory clinic upped meds and now on Risperidone. Moods were OK for quite a while but have started to deteriorate in last few weeks. More shouting, fist shaking, abusive language etc etc. Young chap from memory clinic calling every 2 weeks now just to check we are ok.
Physically he's not very good. We have bed wetting now on a regular basis at least 3 times a week. Today I caught him poo-ing on the floor in the garage??? That was a new one and I did tell him it's not acceptable but he said it wasn't him. I have to laugh or I'd cry all day, every day. Each evening we go through the same thing of him wanting to go home. When I ask him what address, he says the address where we are but he won't /doesn't accept it. We go thro it half a dozen times before he quietens. It's like Groundhog Day.
His youngest son died in February at 50 yrs old. I was very close to him and absolutely devastated. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, he doesn't seem to realise.
It's hard to stay cheerful 24/7. His family do less to help now than they used to. His other son did used to take him off for a few hours but doesn't do that now. He does work but has plenty of free time just doesn't want the responsibility I guess so I cope on my own. No sympathy wanted it's my job but I'm so tired.

 

[karaokePete]

Do look after yourself and keep the police involved if violence is involved again as this can be important in relation to the assessment of future care needs.

You say this is your job but the reality is that it isn't. Don't take on more that you can safely manage. Please think about seeking help. Below are links to a Society Factsheets that may be of interest. Just click the PDF lines to read them
Aggressive behaviour (509)
PDF printable version

Assessment for care and support in England (418)
PDF printable version

Continence and using the toilet (502)
PDF printable version

 

[Shedrech]

hi @McPhee
I'm not surprised you are tired .... and I am sending much sympathy

I'm glad you have someone from the memory clinic checking in with you ... please be brutally honest with him, especially about the violence, it certainly is not part of any partner's or carer's job to be a punch bag, you deserve and need to be safe in your own home
my condolences on the death of his son, it sounds as though the both of you have lost a mainstay of support

do you have any home care visits, day care or respite ... maybe the memory clinic chap can help you contact your Local Authority Adult Services and arrange an assessment of care needs so you get some help

if you feel threatened please call the police again and ask them to refer on to Social Services as a safeguarding concern ... keep yourself safe, have a mobile on you and a room you can go to that has a lock on the door

and keep posting

 

[canary]

You shouldnt be having to do this on your own, it is too much for one person and your health could suffer.
Please contact social services for more support.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

 

[Cazzita]

Yes, definitely contact SS, you need more support on a daily basis with this or you will be too tired to function at all. Good luck and fingers crossed that you will have more time to yourself soon. It is not your responsibility and no-one should be abused xx

 

[70smand]

I am so sorry for the situation you are in. It sounds a lot like my mum and dad’s a few years ago. Dad has Alzheimer’s and his behaviour became more challenging and was put on risperidone, and it helped a little but they stopped it after a while. Gradually dad’s behaviour became worse so his memory clinic consultant put him back on it - he was about 69 them and physically very fit and well. It didn’t seem to help the second time so the dose was increased but my dad just got lots of side effects and became very ill on it as he was so sensitive medication.
I was able to support my mum and could usually help distract him but eventually I wasn’t much help. I was in touch with the memory clinic almost daily as the situation was not safe for my mum. He could start the morning lovely, and then, without any warning he would become fixated on ‘going home’ or ‘getting to work’ until he became manic and so agitated. We tried everything, and avoided all the triggers we knew. It was exhausting and eventually he went in to a psychiatric hospital where they stopped the risperidone and commenced him on memantine. We hadn’t realised how ill the risperidone had been making him. He was in hospital for 8 weeks and we visited for hours every day and we fought for them to let dad come home, which they reluctantly did. Dad was home for a year but would not accept carers or sitters but would let a befriender take him to the gym. I spent a lot of time taking him out to relieve my mum but gradually his challenging behaviour returned and we started looking for a nursing home but no one would take him. He ended up back in psychiatric hospital again and a different consultant this time put him on olanzapine, which also gave him awful side effects but his mood was more manageable. They were very heavy handed, we felt, with the medication and wished we could have been given olanzapine to try at home, on a lesser dose.
Dad went straight from there into a nursing home, where he has been for the past 2 years and has deteriorated a lot and is no longer on any anti psychotic medication, only memantine.
The police were always wonderful when called, sometimes they came and their presence calmed dad, other times they were out searching for him as he had run off, but were always very kind and sympathetic. They were only ever called as a last resort. It’s good that you have close contact with the memory clinic - it was through them that dad ended up in hospital, but I just wish his memory clinic consultant had given us the option of trying different meds at home - we thought there was nothing left for him to try after risperidone, but there obviously was.
I’m not sure if my story is of any help, I wish you all the best x