Complaining a lot.

[Mary Em]

My mother with Alzheimer's aged 94, has been in a care home for 18 months now. Slowly deteriorating terribly confused as expected. Very bad legs , ulcers, but otherwise fairly well. Yawns a lot, lethargic and tired all the time.
Sometimes the fairy lights are on , sometimes off. I can have a sensible conversation one minute then she says something odd like ' why haven't mum and dad been to see me?'
She 's more settled than she was, altho i wish i could say she was happy there. My sister and i feel it is the best place for her; the care is good and we like the staff, who really try hard.
However, she complains a great deal to me, when I visit., and always wants to go out, . I visit every 3rd day, roughly.. She came home on Easter Sunday , here with some of the family. Cant remember that now, of course. Keeps asking to come and live nearer to me ( she is 20 mins away!) Says she is fed up with where she is. Denies having any help where she is, says she does everything herself, which of course I know is not true.
Complains about the food, its not very good , no flavour, and we never have this or that. ! Complains about The other residents, hasn't really made a friend sadly, but perhaps she hasn't got the capacity to do that now, and she always was a bit choosy.
An ice cream is too cold, she s always either not warm enough or too hot., can't settle, is very fidgety.
I suppose I just need to know if this is all the dementia, in which case ...do I ignore, or do I respond, and move her somewhere else. We did move her last year very briefly to what we thought might be a nicer, poster, place in town, , but she had a melt down, so went back to the original home, as they welcomed her back very kindly.
I know we are all on a journey but it's hard knowing how to deal with al, of this, and good to hear others thoughts . By the way, the home say she seems happy and doesnt complain to them, well, she wouldn't would she !
Thank you for any kind words in response.

 

[nae sporran]

It seems the home is pretty good from your description @Mary Em. I don't know if it is quite the same, but my OH took a long time to settle in her day centre and still complains a lot even though I see her happy when I pick her up. She complains about her meals even after she's let an empty plate some days. It's probably down to a feeling of frustration at no longer being able to come and go as they used to or to cook and eat when they want to rather than fit our timetable or the care home's timetable.
Not sure if that helps, but you certainly have sympathy and empathy.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

You could be describing my mother. All my life she has moaned, complained and criticised and unfortunately dementia has just made this trait worse.

Mostly she complains about stuff to me rather than directly but she's not above telling the care staff what she thinks of them, the food, the heating, the carpets, the view.... you name it.

I guess people just don't appreciate how very important and special she is and therefore do not make the required effort. That would include me.

I have no suggestions to offer, but welcome to my world

 

[Rosettastone57]

My mother with Alzheimer's aged 94, has been in a care home for 18 months now. Slowly deteriorating terribly confused as expected. Very bad legs , ulcers, but otherwise fairly well. Yawns a lot, lethargic and tired all the time.
Sometimes the fairy lights are on , sometimes off. I can have a sensible conversation one minute then she says something odd like ' why haven't mum and dad been to see me?'
She 's more settled than she was, altho i wish i could say she was happy there. My sister and i feel it is the best place for her; the care is good and we like the staff, who really try hard.
However, she complains a great deal to me, when I visit., and always wants to go out, . I visit every 3rd day, roughly.. She came home on Easter Sunday , here with some of the family. Cant remember that now, of course. Keeps asking to come and live nearer to me ( she is 20 mins away!) Says she is fed up with where she is. Denies having any help where she is, says she does everything herself, which of course I know is not true.
Complains about the food, its not very good , no flavour, and we never have this or that. ! Complains about The other residents, hasn't really made a friend sadly, but perhaps she hasn't got the capacity to do that now, and she always was a bit choosy.
An ice cream is too cold, she s always either not warm enough or too hot., can't settle, is very fidgety.
I suppose I just need to know if this is all the dementia, in which case ...do I ignore, or do I respond, and move her somewhere else. We did move her last year very briefly to what we thought might be a nicer, poster, place in town, , but she had a melt down, so went back to the original home, as they welcomed her back very kindly.
I know we are all on a journey but it's hard knowing how to deal with al, of this, and good to hear others thoughts . By the way, the home say she seems happy and doesnt complain to them, well, she wouldn't would she !
Thank you for any kind words in response.

Personally I would just ignore these moans and keep her where she is. My mother-in-law spent most of her adult life moaning about all sorts of things including family and once in the care home it was exactly the same. My mother-in-law had always had an overinflated sense of entitlement and a genuinely held belief that she was more deserving of other people's time and attention and these traits as others have said increased during the dementia years.

 

[Sirena]

To me that sounds like the dementia. People with dementia (PWDs) often want to be somewherelse because they blame their current surroundings for the way they feel. They don't understand why they don't feel right, and think if they just moved somewhere else, things would be 'back to how they were before'. But of course they won't, because their surroundings aren't the problem. The problem will go with them wherever they are.

You seem to think it's a good care home, and her complaints sound really minor. I would either just jolly her along or acknowledge the complaint briefly ("too cold? we'll get you a blanket") and change the subject.

 

[canary]

All these things sound like dementia.

Sadly it sounds like she has no understanding of her own difficulties. In her mind she is back at the time before she had dementia and she was able to do everything, her parents were still alive etc. Nevertheless, she is aware that Something Is Not Right, without understanding that the Something is actually them, so everything and everyone around them gets blamed. Mum would always want to go out ("lets get out of this mad house" and Im sure that she thought she would leave all her problems behind if she did. Many people want to move somewhere else for the same reason, but, of course, the problems arnt left behind - they take them with them.

The best way to respond is not to contradict them, but come up with some "reason" for their distress.
If she wonders why her parents havent come to visit, tell her that they are holiday.
If she complains about things around her change the subject or express concern and say you will speak to the manager and then quickly change the subject! I used to take sweets and/or cake with me when I visited mum so that I could produce a little treat for her at just such occasions.
If she wants to move somewhere else then say that you are looking for somewhere, but you havet yet found the right place (this is a "love lie", you arnt doing any such thing)

BTW, many people living in a care home genuinely have no complaints and are happy most of the time, but seeing family will spark a memory of how things used to be and this is what fuels the complaints. Its not usually that they feel that they cant complain when you are not there.

 

[Mary Em]

My mother with Alzheimer's aged 94, has been in a care home for 18 months now. Slowly deteriorating terribly confused as expected. Very bad legs , ulcers, but otherwise fairly well. Yawns a lot, lethargic and tired all the time.
Sometimes the fairy lights are on , sometimes off. I can have a sensible conversation one minute then she says something odd like ' why haven't mum and dad been to see me?'
She 's more settled than she was, altho i wish i could say she was happy there. My sister and i feel it is the best place for her; the care is good and we like the staff, who really try hard.
However, she complains a great deal to me, when I visit., and always wants to go out, . I visit every 3rd day, roughly.. She came home on Easter Sunday , here with some of the family. Cant remember that now, of course. Keeps asking to come and live nearer to me ( she is 20 mins away!) Says she is fed up with where she is. Denies having any help where she is, says she does everything herself, which of course I know is not true.
Complains about the food, its not very good , no flavour, and we never have this or that. ! Complains about The other residents, hasn't really made a friend sadly, but perhaps she hasn't got the capacity to do that now, and she always was a bit choosy.
An ice cream is too cold, she s always either not warm enough or too hot., can't settle, is very fidgety.
I suppose I just need to know if this is all the dementia, in which case ...do I ignore, or do I respond, and move her somewhere else. We did move her last year very briefly to what we thought might be a nicer, poster, place in town, , but she had a melt down, so went back to the original home, as they welcomed her back very kindly.
I know we are all on a journey but it's hard knowing how to deal with al, of this, and good to hear others thoughts . By the way, the home say she seems happy and doesnt complain to them, well, she wouldn't would she !
Thank you for any kind words in response.

It seems the home is pretty good from your description @Mary Em. I don't know if it is quite the same, but my OH took a long time to settle in her day centre and still complains a lot even though I see her happy when I pick her up. She complains about her meals even after she's let an empty plate some days. It's probably down to a feeling of frustration at no longer being able to come and go as they used to or to cook and eat when they want to rather than fit our timetable or the care home's timetable.
Not sure if that helps, but you certainly have sympathy and empathy.

Thanks for your reply...you have my sympathy too, it's hard isn't it

 

[Mary Em]

You could be describing my mother. All my life she has moaned, complained and criticised and unfortunately dementia has just made this trait worse.

Mostly she complains about stuff to me rather than directly but she's not above telling the care staff what she thinks of them, the food, the heating, the carpets, the view.... you name it.

I guess people just don't appreciate how very important and special she is and therefore do not make the required effort. That would include me.

I have no suggestions to offer, but welcome to my world

 

[Mary Em]

It's good to know my mother is like many others out there ! Thank you it all helps

 

[Mary Em]

Personally I would just ignore these moans and keep her where she is. My mother-in-law spent most of her adult life moaning about all sorts of things including family and once in the care home it was exactly the same. My mother-in-law had always had an overinflated sense of entitlement and a genuinely held belief that she was more deserving of other people's time and attention and these traits as others have said increased during the dementia years.

 

[Mary Em]

Thank you for your reply..

 

[Mary Em]

All these things sound like dementia.

Sadly it sounds like she has no understanding of her own difficulties. In her mind she is back at the time before she had dementia and she was able to do everything, her parents were still alive etc. Nevertheless, she is aware that Something Is Not Right, without understanding that the Something is actually them, so everything and everyone around them gets blamed. Mum would always want to go out ("lets get out of this mad house" and Im sure that she thought she would leave all her problems behind if she did. Many people want to move somewhere else for the same reason, but, of course, the problems arnt left behind - they take them with them.

The best way to respond is not to contradict them, but come up with some "reason" for their distress.
If she wonders why her parents havent come to visit, tell her that they are holiday.
If she complains about things around her change the subject or express concern and say you will speak to the manager and then quickly change the subject! I used to take sweets and/or cake with me when I visited mum so that I could produce a little treat for her at just such occasions.
If she wants to move somewhere else then say that you are looking for somewhere, but you havet yet found the right place (this is a "love lie", you arnt doing any such thing)

BTW, many people living in a care home genuinely have no complaints and are happy most of the time, but seeing family will spark a memory of how things used to be and this is what fuels the complaints. Its not usually that they feel that they cant complain when you are not there.

 

[Mary Em]

Thank you for your reply. I am doing all those things you suggest, but it is good to hear that I am dealing with it like many others., in the best way possible , considering what a terribly hard disease this is for the relatives as well as the person with it..