How to talk to my mum about residential care

[sparklehorse]

My mum lives with me and my young family. Her dementia has got to a stage where we no longer feel we can look after her properly. I've been looking at care homes, which I have found really depressing. I saw a wonderful place the other day - so different from the others. It has a space available for my mum - and they are coming to do an assessment in 2 days time!

My own guilt to one side (awful) - how do i talk to my mum about her going into residential care??? I don't know where to start. I haven't mentioned it to her previously as I didn't want her to worry or fixate when there wasn't a space for her. Does anyone have any advice for me please?!

 

[Toony Oony]

Hi @sparklehorse - welcome and what a wonderful user name!
Lots of us on here know just what you are going through and have been there and got the teeshirt.

My Mum didn't live with me, she was in an assisted living complex when things got to the point that she could no longer look after herself. In agreement with her wonderful GP we had kept the dementia diagnosis from her. In the end after going through guilt, bad guilt and even more awful guilt, I told Mum that she was going on a little holiday to a special sort of hotel where she could be well looked after and pampered. The only different thing was that all the people staying there would be around her own age. I crossed my fingers and said it would be for 2 weeks. In reality I had arranged 2 weeks respite, with an option to extend it to full time residential. It wasn't all plain sailing, but I found that when Mum didn't have to pretend to be OK in an attempt to keep up appearances, it was obvious that the timing was perfect and residential care really needed. Mum hasn't mentioned or asked about her old place once. Leaving the 'nuts and bolts' of care to others, mean that time I spend with Mum is one to one and quality. I no longer have to second guess what needs doing and run around fire fighting instead of spending special time with her.

Many others will undoubtedly be along to say the way that they organised things. But rest assured, Care Homes are well used to settling new residents in and they will be of great help to you all.

Hope everything goes OK

XX

 

[Sirena]

Yes, exactly what @Toony Oony says. I didn't live with my mother, but when the time for residential care came I didn't tell her anything in advance because I knew she would be distressed and anxious (mainly about what would happen to her cat), and I wanted her to be in a positive frame of mind when she arrived at the care home. So I told her she was going on a mini break and packed a weekend case for her, we arrived just in time for lunch, sat in the conservatory with her for a couple of hours, then left. I took the rest of her stuff in a week later.

The first few days were difficult, she became quite confused because she didn't sleep for two nights. Then once she'd had a sleep she was a lot better, and within a few weeks she was telling me she loved it. She asked about her cat during the first couple of weeks, but since then she has never mentioned her previous life at all. Keep cheerful and upbeat and emphasise how lovely it all is - if you get upset, she will think something awful is happening.

 

[MaNaAk]

I did the same with dad in order to avoid distress. Dad visited the care home a couple of times first of all and then he went for a fortnight's respite. We were surprised how well he settled in and a couple of weeks later he went in permanently.

MaNaAk

 

[Prudencecat]

My mum went in to a care home two months ago we got to the point where we couldn't care for her and keep her safe any more. Even with carers 4 times per day and my son staying with her 5 nights per week there were times when she was on her own. In the end we were more like extra carers than daughters and we tried very hard to keep her at home. We began to think that this was more about us than her and when a place became available at the care home we wanted we took it. I didn't feel guilty just really sad that it had come to this. We didn't speak to her about care homes just said that she was going to a little hospital to get better.
Against the odds she settled very well has met someone she went to school with and as she is very sociable at long last has the company she needs.