legally what is acceptable

[Roziii]

Hi Just wanted some advice.Mum in law has very mild memory loss- doesnt remember date of birth any more and not able to remember to take pills But she has capacity to make decisions.Also has stage 4 lung cancer and on targeted treatment.We have her
living with us for last 4 months as she will sleep all day and not eat or wash.She is weak and breathless and high risk falls
My husband is self employed and has had to stop work to look after her as I work( 3 days a week) and I cant take time off- I could lose my job.My husband is the main earner. Her house is left empty.Mum in law has told my husband to draw out money to help pay bills and food shopping etc as he is not working . Legally is this ok? He has been named on her bank account for last 8 years because she cannot read or write and he has been paying all her bills and managing everything for her house all those years as she was well .We are able to manage to pay our mortgage etc being very carefull and cutting costs but I am worried how we will cope financially long term.Any advice appreciated

 

[canary]

As far as I know, contributing towards household bills is OK.
Giving large gifts is out and paying family for caring is a minefield, but so long as the contribution is fair, this is OK

I know that others on here are more knowledgable than me about this, so if I am wrong they will say.

 

[Roziii]

As far as I know, contributing towards household bills is OK.
Giving large gifts is out and paying family for caring is a minefield, but so long as the contribution is fair, this is OK

I know that others on here are more knowledgable than me about this, so if I am wrong they will say.

As far as I know, contributing towards household bills is OK.
Giving large gifts is out and paying family for caring is a minefield, but so long as the contribution is fair, this is OK

I know that others on here are more knowledgable than me about this, so if I am wrong they will say.

I forgot to say that we have power of attorney- I do not want us to do anything that would abuse that trust

 

[canary]

You are not allowed to profit from POA (which is why I mentioned about gifts and being employed by them), but if it is paying a fair contribution towards bills, then you are not actually profiting, are you? You dont have to end up paying more for bills just because your MIL is living with you.

 

[Beate]

I would urgently shift the majority of the caring away from your husband onto a care package so your husband can work again. Social services have a legal duty to assess her for care provisions, and to assess her financial ability to pay for it. If she can go to a day care centre or get daily carers, this will help in more ways than one - financially and emotionally, because caring is hard, and family carers need time for themselves too.

 

[Roziii]

Problem is that she needs to be with someone day and night and we have been told social services cannot cater for that level. Also we are not profiteering from her assets but are worse off financially because my husband is not working.Our bills are not any bigger since she has stayed with us -apart from higher gas bills through winter as she feels cold

 

[Sirena]

I agree with Canary that it should be fine for your mother to contribute towards the bills.

Does your mother receive Attendance Allowance? She should be eligible for the higher rate which has just been increased to £87.65 a week, and as attorney you can fill out the form for her. Your husband may also be able to claim Carers Allowance.

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Roziii
of course your mother in law should be contributing her fair share of household expenses, as well as paying for anything that is for her use/benefit eg extra bedding, any aids eg handrails - so a contribution to utilities, food, cleaning materials etc
you say she has capacity to make decisions and she has told your husband to make these arrangements, so as her Attorney he will simply be following her instructions, which is fine
an Attorney cannot benefit from their position eg give themselves gifts, but also isn't expected to pay for the donor's expenses, these are for the donor, your mother in law to pay from her funds

I too would suggest arranging some home care visits and day care, to give your husband a break - it's a worry that he has given up work completely as that affects your present and future finances; a couple of days day care a week would mean he could work on those days - the care fees would be paid by his mother

 

[Sirena]

I agree it could be useful to have additional help at home, but she sounds too unwell to go to daycare - stage 4 cancer, sleeps most of the time and is weak, breathless, and a high falls risk.

 

[Beate]

To be honest, this sound like it might be time for a care home. Would she agree to go? She has assets in form of a property, so you could enter into a Deferred Payment Agreement with the council and sell it.

 

[Shedrech]

point taken ... maybe look into a befriending arrangement, AgeUK might be able to help
or consider residential care, so your mother in law is well looked after, you can visit whenever you wish and your husband can work so your own finances aren't putting your future at risk - not an easy decision, I appreciate

 

[Roziii]

My husband works nights driving and it’s difficult to sleep during the day when you have a sick relative to look after- he was also getting very stressed and not coping well trying to juggle looking after his mum/ worrying about things.It is not acceptable in our culture to put mum in a home also

 

[Dotty321]

I feel for you. If people want to care for their parents at home and do their best for them then you have to go with what you feel. Care home may be an option later but at the moment I get the impression you want to help, I’m the same. I feel if I can care for my mum in a small way then I want to however if I’m six month a year or two it becomes too hard then I would look at the options then.

The whole money thing is a mind field but if your both happy to care for mum then that’s lovely but you must have breaks yourselves to recharge xxx

 

[TheBearsMummy]

If 3 adults decide to house share (i.e. students) then it is normal practice to split all household bills 3 ways so I can't see that anyone could object to her paying 1/3rd towards your bills as well as maintaining her own property.
As has already been mentioned she should qualify for attendance allowance and your husband should also be eligible to receive carers allowance. Age UK are very helpful if you ask them for guidance on completing the forms

 

[Beate]

Please also look into a council tax reduction once Attendance Allowance is acquired. Your mother should be eligible for the SMI (severely mentally impaired) disregard, meaning she would not be counted as a household member for council tax purposes. This still leaves the two of you but your husband could be disregarded as her carer (as he is not her spouse), which would reduce the number of countable people in the household to one, triggering the single person discount of 25%.

 

[jugglingmum]

If 3 adults decide to house share (i.e. students) then it is normal practice to split all household bills 3 ways so I can't see that anyone could object to her paying 1/3rd towards your bills as well as maintaining her own property.

I would take this approach of splitting bills 3 ways.

 

[Roziii]

Thank you for all your advice- very helpful