Hello everyone at taking point I haven't posted for such a long time I been having a really hard time over these last 6 months my OH s Alzheimer's progressed rapidly too the points of not being able too cope , the Alzheimer's advanced so fast he wouldn't sit down he didn't sleep it was walking all day long and all night too he'd sleep for only a short while and want me out of bed for him to make the bed straightening the covers for hours and thenwe would be up and out early hours of the morning walking ,we'd get back home then no sooner took my coat off we'd be back out ,he also started doing strange things ,through the night I'd be in bed and have to get up as he'd be trying to go out walking continually pestering for me to get out of bed and unlock the doors pulling at them this went on for hour and hours , we carried on for weeks and weeks he pestering all day and all night to go out he just couldn't stay still ,calling me different names not by my own name I really don't think he new me ,getting really cross with me and then getting very emotional,he was so tormented you could see it in his face , The memory clinic tried different tablets and nothing seem to work for him ,this went on for quite a few weeks, and I got so run down couldn't eat ,sleep even drink a cup of tea without feeling poorly,i lost a lot of weight and sometimes I was so low I couldn't even be bothered talking to anyone so we had to call the crisis team in to help but it wasn't for long and finally I had to let my lovely OH go in a care home and all I can say the care home he's in is lovely and bright and the staff are all very caring people ,everyone at the care home love my husband ,and look after him really well they're very caring people, he has settled down and is happy doing just what he feels like . I've been going every day to see him and it's absolutely breaking me I'm heartbroken,when I get home I don't seem to be feeling any better ,I've been in hospital this weekend I was so ill and I've been in bed for 3 days trying my best to get well again as I haven't seen my lovely OH for days .sorry this post is so very long I just wanted to tell people that will know what I'm going through ,I miss him so much he was my life and I know I just didn't have the strength anymore to carry on caring I feel my life has gone and this sadness is unbearable but my love for him is as strong now as it was 51 years ago . Sorry for the long post again . Take care all you lovely lovely carers ,lot of love to each and every one of you .Xx
How to accept your Husband going into a care Home I Feel Broken
- Thread starter Martarita
- Start date
@Martarita ....I'm so sorry, you sound so heartbroken I wish I could say something that would help. Some of the others who are in your position will, I'm sure, be along to support and help you....I just wanted you to know someone has read your post and cares x
That sounds incredibly hard for you. So sorry. You sound like you have reached ‘carer burnout’. Have you thought of maybe having a little break away from home so that you can recharge your batteries ? I understand that you will find it hard not to visit your OH but ultimately it might help?
Sorry the stress and strain has got to you physically and emotionally, Martarita. I can't offer anything beyond a hope that your OH being looked after will comfort you in time and that you can get your strength back.
I have always said I would reluctantly agree to my wife going into a nursing home if the care she received would be better than I could provide. However, the truth is in real life things are not that simple. My situation is very similar to yours in that she is waking up every two hours or so during the night thinking it is time to get up. The result is both of us are suffering from sleep deprivation and getting very near the limit. If your husband is happy in the care home then that is half the battle won. Unlike you, I don't think I could visit the care home every day, I did that when she went in for respite and found it more demanding than actually caring for her fulltime.
Darling, I am so very sorry. You have been through awful time and worked to the full extent of your capacity. I do know what you are going through, I went through an experience so very similar and I was ill and broken with it. You won't believe it yet, but in some ways you can get your husband and wife relationship back once he is being cared for by a team. I'm just back from my husband in nursing home and we spend lot of time just sitting holding hands. It is wonderful. It will take time to recover. I honour your love for him, I know, I really do. with love, Geraldine aka kindred. x
I wish you the strength you need at this time.
I think it’s telling that your husband is now happy but you are in anguish. I once read that people can prolong pain and suffering by not letting go.
Would your husband be aware if you didn’t visit for a short while? If not, it may be time to think only of yourself for a short while, hard as that may be to initiate. Your relationship hasn’t ended, it’s just changed. You can still express your love by continuing to care for your husband in his new home. Only the nature of what you will be doing will change - less of the hands on and more of the looking after interests. A short break from it all may help you to develop this and come to enjoy it to some extent. I hope it works and that things will improve for both of you.
Beyond that, it may be worth having a chat with your GP as they may be able to help you through this transition.
Best of luck to the both of you.
I think it’s telling that your husband is now happy but you are in anguish. I once read that people can prolong pain and suffering by not letting go.
Would your husband be aware if you didn’t visit for a short while? If not, it may be time to think only of yourself for a short while, hard as that may be to initiate. Your relationship hasn’t ended, it’s just changed. You can still express your love by continuing to care for your husband in his new home. Only the nature of what you will be doing will change - less of the hands on and more of the looking after interests. A short break from it all may help you to develop this and come to enjoy it to some extent. I hope it works and that things will improve for both of you.
Beyond that, it may be worth having a chat with your GP as they may be able to help you through this transition.
Best of luck to the both of you.
Thank you all so very very much for you kind and understanding words ,it's so hard to come to terms with and accept but it has happened the sadness I'm feeling is unbearable,but hopefully I will be able to go to the care home and spend quality time with my lovely husband ,something I haven't done for a very long time i truly needed to write my feelings down to all the carers at talking point as all of you know exactly what I'm going through, thank you each and everyone for your kindness it's overwhelming.Thank you .XX
Hi, my husband also wanted to go out all the time, and like you I spent most of the time walking the streets, I had to go with him otherwise he would get lost, if I said he couldn't go he would get very angry and start kicking the front door as I had to keep it locked. He is now in a care home and is still walking up and down the corridors all day and most of the night! but the carers are lovely and although it's not very posh he is well cared for, they all say he is a lovely man. I hope you are ok. but it is lonely isn't is. Take care. Lxx
I was so sad to read your post & to hear how difficult you are finding things. It's good to hear that your husband is well cared for and I hope now you will have time to take care of yourself too. I hope that you can start to recover your health & your feeling of self. Thinking of you.
Thank you so very much rosebush it sounds so familiar to me and now all I do is go over the last few months in my mind and questioning myself if I'd have tried this or tried the other but at the time I was physically and emotionally drained and still I'll , it had been really hard before the the Alzheimer's started to progress and when it did I couldn't believe how quick and rapid it happened the walking got worse all day and all night never slept never sat down he never stopped, and now just like your OH he walks the corridor's of the care home as much as he wants too ,all the staff are so very kind and caring,but it breaks my heart just as it does yours that it had to come to this , I could not look after him and I think I should have been able too ,i really feel for you and I hope in time just like myself we can get back to some sort of normality but I really think it's harder to do than to say .Please Take Care and my Heartfelt Thanks for your reply xx
Thank you so much littlebear I can not thank everyone enough for all the kind word i really do need to try to come to accept this has happened and I'm not on my own everyone on talking point have been really supportive and caring towards me and I know all you lovely carers are going through the Same so please all ofyou Take Care of yourselves and thank you all for caring about me ,and your kind word of comfort.Xx
Reading your outpouring of emotions is so familiar to my own experience with my wonderful husband.
I had the decision to put him into care taken out of my hands when he ended up being sectioned into a mental hospital with a special dementia ward . He had become violent towards me as well as bashing doors and walls. Totally unlike his previous loving character.
I visited every day at lunch time so I could assist him with his meal. We were lucky enough to have a separate room which was set up like a cafe where we could be together with the door locked to have some privacy from the other patients.
It was an awful place. Seeing all the other poor demented souls as well really brought it home what this awful disease does to people .
His medication eventually was sorted out and he was able to go into a care home 4 months later, where he could walk about as much as he wanted.
It is exhausting for carers to try to cope alone at home. I was on my knees but gradually I got my physical strength back. Emotionally it’s still very draining.
I went every day at teatime, as I was fortunate that the Care Home was close to my home. We could sit in his room together and have privacy with the door locked. The other residents would come in otherwise.
I am so thankful that I was able to do this, to be with him physically and give him hugs and hold his hand as the disease took him away.
Together for over 52 years.
Now not here at all.
He died 10 weeks ago.
So if you can manage to visit your husband when you feel strong enough the care staff are there for him. You can have breaks, it’s likely that he will be unaware that you haven’t been in. And hopefully you can get some good time together . Because that is what is left. Keep your good memories.
And the pain of loss goes on. And missing. There is no easy answer.
And we who are left trying to find a way to live without the most important person, it’s so lonely. Particularly in the early morning and at night when friends and family are not around.
But forum folk are, so hopefully we support each other through messages.
Please please don’t do this to yourself, I have only been on TP for a little over a year but I have read your posts and you have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for. It’s the disease that defeats us in our efforts to look after our loved ones. Now your own health is affected and I really understand that, but do take heart for your recovery and be able to spend a little time with your husband being cared for by a team not you alone.
I'm so overwhelmed by all the kind words ,I thank you from the bottom of my heart , I'm trying so very hard to get well again so I can see and be with my lovely husband , I feel as though I've abandoned him with not seeing he for so long , I know that the carers at the care home are looking after him for me , but I should have tried harder to overcome my physical state ,but it went on and on getting worse almost daily no let up ,and now the guilt I feel and the sadness is unbearable for me ,I just want him back , which I know it's impossible,I couldn't possibly care for his needs anyone,and that truly breaks my heart , I think to myself why did I not have the strength anymore, but the sad truth is i didn't I'd given my all , I'm so sad and empty from what has happened,and blaming myself ,so thank you baggybreeks ,how do you carry on ithink just one day at a time .thank you so much take care.Xx
Thank you for your reply Grahamstown, I'm so sad and consumed with guilt and regret as well as feeling ill but I knew for months it was only a matter of time before it was going to happen,my only wish was that I could have gone on ,but sadly I couldn't and now me been ill like this , has made matters worse because I haven't been able to go see my love,I'm trying so very hard to get as well as I can so I can go and see him again,we all know how this cruel disease works ,it just doesn't take one persons life away it takes two . I would really like to thank you for your kind words and understanding.What a horrible, horrible decision one has to make .Thank you for your support .xx
Dear Margarita, definitely you should not be feeling guilt. It’s an impossible disease to deal with as it’s so totally irrational. I don’t think the medics give enough information or support when the diagnosis is made.It is all so hard to change and adapt to each situation as it happens. It tears you up.
I wish you a good recovery physically and mentally.
The emotions are much more difficult as you lose the person you have loved to the disease.
And sadly there is no cure .
I hope you manage to visit your husband soon, he probably is not aware of your absence.
Care staff will be able to reassure you. They do a difficult job but they do go home and have a break. The 24/7 stress you suffered from is not there now and hopefully you can get back together in a more relaxed frame of mind .
Thank you baggybreeks I manage to see my love yesterday for 3hours. One of our son and his family was going to a lovely park near where we live and taking his dad my OH with them for the afternoon, he picked him up from the care home , and asked me if I felt well enough to go with them , well I jumped at the chance I knew that I wasn't feeling well at all .But I was thinking I can see him away from the care home although it's a nice bright and calm place ,i wanted to hold him and stroke his head and tell he how much I loved him ,but that wasn't to be ,he seemed to be a little worse,I really don't think he had any idea it was me , he cried a while although when my son picked him up the care home the carer said he'd been emotional earlier which sometimes he his , it was a struggle getting him in and out of the car he had no help at all for himself yesterday,taking his shoes off and then we would have to put them back on again , didn't seem to notice our grandsons , he had no words at all , I bent down to see his face ,as he'd started to walk with his head down when he was at home and it's like that all the time now ,I told him that I'll be seeing him really soon as soon as I get my strength back ,and how much I love him , but nothing , now words just a nod he lost most of his vocabulary when he was at home, All he wanted to do was walk up and down and not looking at anything or anyone well actually he did say hello to a small child walking passed us ,if there's anything that came out of seeing him yesterday is that I know now that I really wouldn't be able to care for his needs at home ,as much as it breaks my heart,I will have to put all my efforts into trying to get well so I carry on and be able to go to the care home to see him and try to have so quality Time with him .l don't think I'll ever get my head round this cruel thing that's happening but the love I feel for him will never ever go .Sorry for for going on but I feel as though you totally understand ,I thank you so much it seem to help when there's other people that really knows what you mean and what your going through ,I thank you for your post and words of support and kindness they are very much appreciated at the sad time that I'm going through.Take Care and thank you again .Xx
I totally know what you are saying @Martarita I have had my family around today and my husband not able to participate hardly at all except to know who they are and have a hug. Otherwise it’s back to bed exhausted. Heartbreaking and difficult to bear for us all. At least my son was there to help with shaving and dressing and able to see the reality of caring. He is going to respite in three weeks time and who knows how it will affect him. We have to be brave and guard our own health as best we can.
