Journeys end and life goes on

[Elle3]

I can't believe it has been just a month since dad passed away. When I got the news I was at a WI (Women's Institute) meeting just about to start doing Tai Chi. We were in a community centre just around the corner from the care home. It will be strange going there again tonight and I'm really hoping it doesn't bring back a bad memory.

I posted some cheques and a donation form to the Alzheimer's Society today. This was a donation from myself and donations raised from Dad's funeral. I had asked for donations rather than flowers. It wasn't a massive amount, but we raised £240 in memory of my dad. x

 

[Kikki21]

I can't believe it has been just a month since dad passed away. When I got the news I was at a WI (Women's Institute) meeting just about to start doing Tai Chi. We were in a community centre just around the corner from the care home. It will be strange going there again tonight and I'm really hoping it doesn't bring back a bad memory.

I posted some cheques and a donation form to the Alzheimer's Society today. This was a donation from myself and donations raised from Dad's funeral. I had asked for donations rather than flowers. It wasn't a massive amount, but we raised £240 in memory of my dad. x

Ahh bless you, it will probably feel a bit strange as everything probably does right now. It definitely does for me. We raised £85 for Bloom in Dementia - a local charity to us so I am happy with that. I will see if I can add to the donation to make it a round £100.
That’s a very good amount raised in memory of your dad. I did also ask for donations - some people did bring flowers. At the end, we ended up taking my own flowers back home plus the other flowers which are in water which I would like to take to the care home. I’ve not been back there as yet to take my mum’s things. My mum wants her clothes to be donated to a charity in Poland. I don’t mind her stuff being sent there but some of her clothes were really old but we will see if this charity still exists & if not then we have authority to do something else with them. Xx

 

[Elle3]

Ahh bless you, it will probably feel a bit strange as everything probably does right now. It definitely does for me. We raised £85 for Bloom in Dementia - a local charity to us so I am happy with that. I will see if I can add to the donation to make it a round £100.
That’s a very good amount raised in memory of your dad. I did also ask for donations - some people did bring flowers. At the end, we ended up taking my own flowers back home plus the other flowers which are in water which I would like to take to the care home. I’ve not been back there as yet to take my mum’s things. My mum wants her clothes to be donated to a charity in Poland. I don’t mind her stuff being sent there but some of her clothes were really old but we will see if this charity still exists & if not then we have authority to do something else with them. Xx

My dad’s clothes are still in bags in the garage. I think they will have to be thrown away as they have his name written all over them. One of the issues of being in a care home and making sure clothes don’t go missing!

WI wasn’t so bad, mainly as I kept busy, it was my turn to bring a cake I had made and do the refreshments.

We also had a talk from a gentleman about our town Food-bank, now that did make me quite emotional. It was set up in 2012 with the thought it would only be needed for a couple of years, it is still open and needed more than ever. It’s even had to expand due to the increasing demand of its services. I find it so sad that we live in a society where people through no fault of their own have to depend on handouts. It’s so wrong. It also makes you realise how lucky you are, but also how quickly someone’s situation can change.

Well done on the money you raised too. Elle x

 

[Kikki21]

My dad’s clothes are still in bags in the garage. I think they will have to be thrown away as they have his name written all over them. One of the issues of being in a care home and making sure clothes don’t go missing!

WI wasn’t so bad, mainly as I kept busy, it was my turn to bring a cake I had made and do the refreshments.

We also had a talk from a gentleman about our town Food-bank, now that did make me quite emotional. It was set up in 2012 with the thought it would only be needed for a couple of years, it is still open and needed more than ever. It’s even had to expand due to the increasing demand of its services. I find it so sad that we live in a society where people through no fault of their own have to depend on handouts. It’s so wrong. It also makes you realise how lucky you are, but also how quickly someone’s situation can change.

Well done on the money you raised too. Elle x

Yes some of my mum’s clothes will be like that too. I will sort that out next week in going back to the care home. The thing is P won’t know what clothes my mum has anyway & he doesn’t have access to the house anyway.
It is sad about food banks & more should be done to alleviate poverty in this country. It is said that most people live with little or no savings in this country & are only 3 wage packets safe from getting into debt, a lot are less than that. X

 

[Elle3]

At 11 o clock this morning I said my final goodbye to dad and scattered his ashes at the Cemetery. It was a beautiful sunny morning.

The man from the Crematorium asked if I wanted to carry the canister containing dad’s ashes and I said I did. It was a lot heavier than I expected.

When we reached the spot where I wanted dad’s ashes to be scattered he just said I had to pull both levers up and the ashes would be released. So that is what I did, I was surprised how much there was and by the time I had finished scattering them my boots where just as covered as the ground. It wasn’t even windy, it just couldn’t be avoided, so be warned if you ever have to do it!

I scattered dad's ashes in the exact same spot that my mum’s ashes were scattered just over 10 years ago and it is positioned so it is in front of the memorial wall where my dad’s parents plaques are situated.

My next task for the cemetery will be to organise a memorial pot, which I will get engraved on all four sides with my grandparents and parents names on them, one on each side. I’m just currently trying to decide on the size, 8″x 8″ x 8″ or 7″ x 7″ x 7″ and the words to write on each side? Do I get it engraved on my grandparents side, Gran and Granddad or mum and dad as my dad had written?

After the visit to the cemetery, for lunch today I decided to take my son to the Toby Carvery, I last visited with dad in February 2018. Dad did always enjoy a good roast dinner, especially as he could pile it high on his plate and he always managed to eat it all. So I did the same out of respect for dad. Lol, no tea I think for me tonight!

 

[Moggymad]

Aah bless you @Elle3. I scattered my dads ashes (some years ago now) & remember being surprised at the weight of the ashes. It was a bit windy so not done in a very controlled way. I imagined he would have found it quite funny. Like your dad, my dad also loved his carvery & piled his plate up so much that I had to put the horseradish sauce on my plate until he had room. Yuck I can't stand it! I always think of dad when I go to the Toby.

 

[Elle3]

Aah bless you @Elle3. I scattered my dads ashes (some years ago now) & remember being surprised at the weight of the ashes. It was a bit windy so not done in a very controlled way. I imagined he would have found it quite funny. Like your dad, my dad also loved his carvery & piled his plate up so much that I had to put the horseradish sauce on my plate until he had room. Yuck I can't stand it! I always think of dad when I go to the Toby.

Thank you.

I had to put my dad's Yorkshire Pudding on my plate, so he would have more room on his plate. I love Horseradish sauce, lol! x

 

[Kikki21]

Ooh what a lovely day you had to do this @Elle3 & yay for a carvery!
We go to Farmhouse Inns & I have to have a small plate which I pile up with a Yorkshire that is stuffed with veg, most of the plate is veg actually & of course horseradish sauce! I love it too!

I wish the scattering of my mum’s ashes in a memorial garden would go with her wishes but mine is more complicated than that & we have to take her to Poland. I’m going to need the bungalow to get an additional £5k for that alone as it’s not going to be cheap.

I haven’t had her ashes back as yet. That will be weird for me. Did it feel weird to you? I mean where do you keep the urn in the house? X

 

[Elle3]

Ooh what a lovely day you had to do this @Elle3 & yay for a carvery!
We go to Farmhouse Inns & I have to have a small plate which I pile up with a Yorkshire that is stuffed with veg, most of the plate is veg actually & of course horseradish sauce! I love it too!

I wish the scattering of my mum’s ashes in a memorial garden would go with her wishes but mine is more complicated than that & we have to take her to Poland. I’m going to need the bungalow to get an additional £5k for that alone as it’s not going to be cheap.

I haven’t had her ashes back as yet. That will be weird for me. Did it feel weird to you? I mean where do you keep the urn in the house? X

I didn't have the ashes at home with me, I just arranged to meet a man from the Crematorium at the Cemetery, he brought them with him. A friend of mine is keeping her husbands ashes and she has bought a Special pot to keep them in and she's going to put it in a display cabinet. Some funeral places will keep the ashes for free for as long as you need, but I think if you leave them at the Crematorium they start to charge after so long.

Your mum is certainly making you work hard for your inheritance. x

 

[Kikki21]

I didn't have the ashes at home with me, I just arranged to meet a man from the Crematorium at the Cemetery, he brought them with him. A friend of mine is keeping her husbands ashes and she has bought a Special pot to keep them in and she's going to put it in a display cabinet. Some funeral places will keep the ashes for free for as long as you need, but I think if you leave them at the Crematorium they start to charge after so long.

Your mum is certainly making you work hard for your inheritance. x

Oh I think my mum’s ashes will be at the funeral place & I can just collect them when they are ready. They haven’t let me know as yet. I presume everything has to be thoroughly checked as they need doctors signing stuff etc.
There is no time frame to do the 2nd funeral so it would be daft to let that control everything else that needs to be done but we do need to find out about costs x

 

[70smand]

What a lovely tribute and a lovely way to remember your dad.
How lovely that the sun was shining for you- not that it makes any difference but I always feel more optimistic when the sun shines after a gloomy period.
You sound so organised so I hope you are giving yourself time after the ‘all consuming’ thing that is dementia.
I know it was sudden and such a shock, but maybe that will be a comfort in the long run because you have had such a traumatic journey and I have followed it all. I’m still watching my dad deteriorate slowly and it breaks my heart but at the same time I have never felt so much love for him. The hardest thing is watching my devoted mum, as he is still her whole world and she visits daily for hours. I feel my job is more to support my mum as much as my dad but I hope I do as good a job as a daughter as you.
Take care, and enjoy those roast dinners and some wonderful memories every time you tuck in to one. Sending love and hugs, Mandy xxx

 

[Elle3]

What a lovely tribute and a lovely way to remember your dad.
How lovely that the sun was shining for you- not that it makes any difference but I always feel more optimistic when the sun shines after a gloomy period.
You sound so organised so I hope you are giving yourself time after the ‘all consuming’ thing that is dementia.
I know it was sudden and such a shock, but maybe that will be a comfort in the long run because you have had such a traumatic journey and I have followed it all. I’m still watching my dad deteriorate slowly and it breaks my heart but at the same time I have never felt so much love for him. The hardest thing is watching my devoted mum, as he is still her whole world and she visits daily for hours. I feel my job is more to support my mum as much as my dad but I hope I do as good a job as a daughter as you.
Take care, and enjoy those roast dinners and some wonderful memories every time you tuck in to one. Sending love and hugs, Mandy xxx

Thank you, I couldn't have asked for a better day, it does seem every time I visit the cemetery the sun shines, even in Winter. I like to think it's my loved ones smiling down as I remember them.

I also keep seeing a couple of Robbin's in my garden since my dad passed, I know it sounds strange but I find myself always saying hello to them and smiling when I see them.

It is a comfort knowing that dad's passing was quick. I visited the care home on Monday and took some gifts in for all the staff on dad's unit, 22 in total covering all the shifts, day and night, so it wasn't much. Just a tube of mini eggs each, with a note attached with purple ribbon to say thank you for taking such good care of my dad. It was an idea I got from this forum. I also saw the carer who was with my dad when it happened, she had been so upset and couldn't come to work for a few days as she really thought it had been her fault. I'd obviously passed on a message as soon as I found out dad had suffered a heart attack to let her know there was nothing she could have done. We hugged and cried and she told me that they had just been laughing together when it happened which was good to know. The staff were also telling they constantly talk about dad and the things he did and that they really miss him. It has given me some closure so I am thankful for that.

It is so very hard to watch your love ones suffer, but I am sure you are doing a fantastic job for both your mum and dad. In some strange way I am thankful for the Dementia as it did bring me much closer to my dad. I loved spending time and doing things for him although sometimes I could also quite happily have killed him because of some of things he did. However, I now look at that as good memories I can smile and laugh about and like you said every time I eat fish and chips or a carvery I think of dad. There are so many things now that make me think of dad and I like that.

Take care and thank you again for your message. xx

 

[Kikki21]

Ah it is said that robins are little spirit birds that are indeed sent along by your loved ones to let you know all is well.
I love that actually, think it is comforting x

 

[Elle3]

I thought I was coping quite well with my dad's passing, but just heard from a friend that her dad died this morning in dreadful circumstances.

Her message said: 'Just to tell you that my Dad died suddenly today. The call I ignored was the Police trying to get hold of me. It happened while he was driving so that's why Police involved. May need a PM and inquest. So weird for it to happen today after what we were saying. He died instantly and no one else was hurt'.

It happened whilst I was having a coffee and a chat with her this morning and we were discussing the recent sudden and unexpected death of her husband, my dad's recent and unexpected death, and her mum's death which happened many years ago from Cancer. Plus we were talking about her dad as he was in early stages of Dementia and she was worried about him and she's often talked to me and asked for advice.

The shock of her message as had me in buckets as it's brought the sudden shock of my dad's death back to me all over again.

Life is really **** at times. So sorry!! x

 

[Kikki21]

I thought I was coping quite well with my dad's passing, but just heard from a friend that her dad died this morning in dreadful circumstances.

Her message said: 'Just to tell you that my Dad died suddenly today. The call I ignored was the Police trying to get hold of me. It happened while he was driving so that's why Police involved. May need a PM and inquest. So weird for it to happen today after what we were saying. He died instantly and no one else was hurt'.

It happened whilst I was having a coffee and a chat with her this morning and we were discussing the recent sudden and unexpected death of her husband, my dad's recent and unexpected death, and her mum's death which happened many years ago from Cancer. Plus we were talking about her dad as he was in early stages of Dementia and she was worried about him and she's often talked to me and asked for advice.

The shock of her message as had me in buckets as it's brought the sudden shock of my dad's death back to me all over again.

Life is really **** at times. So sorry!! x

Oh no @Elle3 that is truly an awful thing to happen to your friend’s dad but at least she has been spared the long, drawn out trauma of dementia & that her dad passed instantly & didn’t hurt anyone else but still a huge shock & yes it must have brought it all back to you. Sending you huge hugs. Grief is just horrible & can affect you at all sorts of times. And everyone goes through it differently. I’m trying to take the positives from this but it is still hard xx

 

[Elle3]

Oh no @Elle3 that is truly an awful thing to happen to your friend’s dad but at least she has been spared the long, drawn out trauma of dementia & that her dad passed instantly & didn’t hurt anyone else but still a huge shock & yes it must have brought it all back to you. Sending you huge hugs. Grief is just horrible & can affect you at all sorts of times. And everyone goes through it differently. I’m trying to take the positives from this but it is still hard xx

Thanks Kikki21, I can't believe how it has affected me, it just goes to show we try to cover ourselves in a hard shell and we think we are OK, but just little things can break through sometimes. Big ((hugs)). x

 

[Kikki21]

Thanks Kikki21, I can't believe how it has affected me, it just goes to show we try to cover ourselves in a hard shell and we think we are OK, but just little things can break through sometimes. Big ((hugs)). x

Be gentle & kind to yourself @Elle3 it is still very early days for you & for me x

 

[Moggymad]

What a dreadful thing to happen to your friend @Elle3 i am so sorry for her & for you. So soon after losing your own dad it's no wonder you were so upset. You are probably feeling quite fragile again & emotions will be close to the surface for a while. Lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack some years ago now & I will always remember how it felt. Hope you & your friend can help each other through this sad time. Lots of hugs X

 

[Elle3]

What a dreadful thing to happen to your friend @Elle3 i am so sorry for her & for you. So soon after losing your own dad it's no wonder you were so upset. You are probably feeling quite fragile again & emotions will be close to the surface for a while. Lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack some years ago now & I will always remember how it felt. Hope you & your friend can help each other through this sad time. Lots of hugs X

Thank you. ❤️

 

[Elle3]

I received a letter today from the DWP Debt Management team (what an awful title) advising me that dad had been overpaid some of his pension and they wanted it back.

I was expecting this as dad's pension did actually go into his bank account a week after he'd died so I knew I would have to pay something back. However, I was also expecting a bill for over payment of Winter Fuel allowance which he received and shouldn't have and over payment of just over 4 months of Attendance Allowance. I've been waiting for them to sort this since October last year.

So I called them to see why this wasn't also included, they knew nothing about it and advised me to contact the Attendance team again. Whilst I was on the phone to them, I did mention that my dad's estate was going through Probate and asked how soon do I need to send them the money owed. They thanked me and said they would put a note on the file to say I'd been in touch and that I had until October to repay it from my dad's estate. They don't expect myself to pay it out of my own money.

I did call the Attendance Allowance team, unfortunately I selected the wrong option and went through to the Bereavement team, I should have chosen general inquiry or something like that. However that call was useful as they confirmed to me that the issue with the over payment of the Winter Fuel payment had been marked as non recoverable. In other words as it was paid due to their own error, they had written it off and I don't need to pay them anything back. Nice to know.

When I did speak to the right people regarding the over payment of Attendance Allowance they informed me it is still ongoing. It turned out they had written to the wrong CHC team, they had written to the CHC team in the LA his care home was in and not the LA which dad used to come under and who were still taking care of dad's welfare etc. I rectified this and they have said they will get it dealt with as a matter of urgency so I can at lease draw a line under it.

I wrote in my Dad's Dementia Diary blog today that I'm bored and I’m really missing not being in the routine of visiting dad and taking care of all the other miscellaneous things I used to do for him. I've even put on weight since he passed, due to eating out of boredom. I need to sort myself out pronto. x