My mum has been in her care home for a couple of years now she has mixed dementia. Initially we took her out and about for coffee meals etc but now it's difficult as she's very frail and frets if we take her out. Mother's Day was very hard as we took her for afternoon tea but she barely ate anything and dropped her tea I hate seeing her sitting in her chair looking lost and sad when I go to visit her, she was my best friend and we talked two or three times a day about everything under the sun, now conversations are forced and stilted. How do you all cope it's so hard !!
Breaks my heart seeing my mum in care home
- Thread starter Portia100874
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It is so hard to witness the decline and I truly feel your upset. I was also close to my mum and her decline in the last 6 months has been marked. I try to remind myself of what I have learned on this forum from the kind words of others.
There comes a time when we must stop trying to bring our loved one into our world and accept that we have to visit them in theirs. I don't always cope very well and often shed tears after a visit, but I hold mums hand and help to feed her and interact in that way. I chat about my life and my cats and rarely get any response or even flicker of understanding, but who knows what gets through? You do what you can because, somewhere, deep in there, is your mum
There comes a time when we must stop trying to bring our loved one into our world and accept that we have to visit them in theirs. I don't always cope very well and often shed tears after a visit, but I hold mums hand and help to feed her and interact in that way. I chat about my life and my cats and rarely get any response or even flicker of understanding, but who knows what gets through? You do what you can because, somewhere, deep in there, is your mum
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Your post reminded me of how often I felt dad seemed the same and tbh even 2 years after he died those images are instantly recalled and still updet me. However I don't think it is a matter of consciously coping just accepting the changes and recognising that the person is declining and their world is shrinking and different in some ways to ours. I just carried on the same...chatting, watching tv, talking about photos, sharing the newspaper, sitting quietly or going off to chat to others if dad slept...as others have said somewhere deep inside dad was there somewhere and an occasional smile was reward or even a snarl showed me he knew I was there
Does your Mum sit in her room or in a communal lounge - the reason I ask is Mum has been in a nursing home since September and she generally sits in the lounge with others. I have hidden round a corner to watch what she is doing and sometimes (not all) she is joining in things in her own way and smiling, but as soon as we go in to visit she changes, she stops what she was doing and starts moaning or generally being nasty about everyone.
I find it difficult to talk to my mum, like you conversations are forced because so much of what we would have talked about in the past she wouldn't remember, our conversations are mainly mum saying she is cleaning the windows, doing the dusting and getting the dinner ready! It is tough and I hate it but I go along with it because I don't want to upset her.
Sending hugs your way
I felt the same as my dad faded. Mostly in the later weeks and months of his illness I'd just get "Hmmm" as a reply to anything I said.
Before dementia took him dad and I renovated a few properties. I helped him make panelled walls and stained glass windows among other things. Sometimes I could get a reaction and some interest shown if I showed him photos of these or other projects he'd done over the years.
Is there anything your mum was passionate about that may spark a reaction? It didn't always work with dad but it gave me something to talk about...
If I'd thought about it with mum when she was ill it would probably have been sugar craft or flower arrangement that would have got a spark - even if only a tiny one.
But you have reminded me how painful it was at times to not be able to reach them.
Before dementia took him dad and I renovated a few properties. I helped him make panelled walls and stained glass windows among other things. Sometimes I could get a reaction and some interest shown if I showed him photos of these or other projects he'd done over the years.
Is there anything your mum was passionate about that may spark a reaction? It didn't always work with dad but it gave me something to talk about...
If I'd thought about it with mum when she was ill it would probably have been sugar craft or flower arrangement that would have got a spark - even if only a tiny one.
But you have reminded me how painful it was at times to not be able to reach them.
Picking up on the thread about any pastimes or hobbies she might have had; I randomly had some playing cards with me when dad was in respite and - struggling with conversation - I brought them out and we started a simple game of whist ... He started picking it up and it was the most quality time we've had in recent years ...
How do you all cope it's so hard !![/QUOTE]
Same here. I don't know the answer but somehow you do. It's your mum and you just have to. After a dreadful time today whilst visiting mum I cried whilst holding her hand, I managed to stop and then cried again in the car on the way home. There are days when I feel I am managing no matter what I have to face and then out of the blue I fall to pieces. The best therapy I have found is talking to folks who really understand. Talking Point is a lifeline xxx
Same here. I don't know the answer but somehow you do. It's your mum and you just have to. After a dreadful time today whilst visiting mum I cried whilst holding her hand, I managed to stop and then cried again in the car on the way home. There are days when I feel I am managing no matter what I have to face and then out of the blue I fall to pieces. The best therapy I have found is talking to folks who really understand. Talking Point is a lifeline xxx
