Black sheep among the angels

[Reluctantcarer]

my first post. I feel a fraud in the company of so many heroes. I struggle to provide support with a willing heart. My mother has lived with us for 15 years. I take her to all her appointments. I cook, clean, shop etc. She has everything she needs physically but I find it hard to love her My relationship with her has been mixed. She was a strong personality & growing up I had some issues with her. She has always favoured my sister but chose to live with us. Her cognitive abilities have declined over the past few years & her recent diagnosis of mixed Alzheimer’s has only confirmed what we knew. She has had a number of falls over the years mainly caused by her not using her frame. The issue is that I find her constant relating of stories all focused on grudges & grievances so wearing. She constantly wants medical help despite, at 90, being relatively well apart from back pain. It’s the moaning & negativity I find so hard. I just feel grateful that she sleeps so much as it buys me respite. Everyone here has so much love for their PWD & are dealing with such difficult issues. It makes me feel so deficient in proper feeling. I have recently retired as I couldn’t hold down a very stressful job & deal with the daily calls asking where I was & what time was it. I just feel so guilty that I can’t give her what she needs with love rather than a - to be totally honest - sense of duty.
How do people deal with the reversal of roles between mother & child especially when the mother has been so judgemental in the past. Sorry for a rather rambling post but I feel so deficient compared with the amazing efforts of others here.

 

[Rosettastone57]

my first post. I feel a fraud in the company of so many heroes. I struggle to provide support with a willing heart. My mother has lived with us for 15 years. I take her to all her appointments. I cook, clean, shop etc. She has everything she needs physically but I find it hard to love her My relationship with her has been mixed. She was a strong personality & growing up I had some issues with her. She has always favoured my sister but chose to live with us. Her cognitive abilities have declined over the past few years & her recent diagnosis of mixed Alzheimer’s has only confirmed what we knew. She has had a number of falls over the years mainly caused by her not using her frame. The issue is that I find her constant relating of stories all focused on grudges & grievances so wearing. She constantly wants medical help despite, at 90, being relatively well apart from back pain. It’s the moaning & negativity I find so hard. I just feel grateful that she sleeps so much as it buys me respite. Everyone here has so much love for their PWD & are dealing with such difficult issues. It makes me feel so deficient in proper feeling. I have recently retired as I couldn’t hold down a very stressful job & deal with the daily calls asking where I was & what time was it. I just feel so guilty that I can’t give her what she needs with love rather than a - to be totally honest - sense of duty.
How do people deal with the reversal of roles between mother & child especially when the mother has been so judgemental in the past. Sorry for a rather rambling post but I feel so deficient compared with the amazing efforts of others here.

Believe me, not everyone on here has love for their PWD. I certainly didn't for my mother-in-law. She was a controlling, selfish person, who emotionally abused my husband and his sister growing up. As a family we made decisions many years ago before the dementia diagnosis we were not going to care for her and put our lives on hold. She had a personality disorder most of her adult life. She had carers in as she was living on her own until it became an untenable situation and eventually she went into care. Both my husband and I looked after her only out of duty.

 

[LadyA]

Fifteen years is a long, l-o-n-g time to be doing all you have for your mum, regardless of whether your relationship with her was fraught or the best in the world - so if there are any heroes on TP, then I would think you've certainly earned your stripes! Negativity is something that is very difficult to listen to, and when you can't escape from it, it must be wearing.

Is there any possibility of you having some respite, getting some time to yourself?

No matter what the relationship is like pre-dementia, caring for someone full time as the illness progresses can be so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. Sometimes, i used to find myself thinking "this is not going to last forever." And of course, it didn't. It wasn't that I didn't love my husband, nor that I didn't want to take care of him. But I wanted the awfulness to stop. I wanted to sleep for a few hours. To be able to relax.

You sound like you are completely exhausted and in need of some help. Is there any way you can get a break? Even a few hours a week could make a difference.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

my first post. I feel a fraud in the company of so many heroes. I struggle to provide support with a willing heart. My mother has lived with us for 15 years. I take her to all her appointments. I cook, clean, shop etc. She has everything she needs physically but I find it hard to love her My relationship with her has been mixed. She was a strong personality & growing up I had some issues with her. She has always favoured my sister but chose to live with us. Her cognitive abilities have declined over the past few years & her recent diagnosis of mixed Alzheimer’s has only confirmed what we knew. She has had a number of falls over the years mainly caused by her not using her frame. The issue is that I find her constant relating of stories all focused on grudges & grievances so wearing. She constantly wants medical help despite, at 90, being relatively well apart from back pain. It’s the moaning & negativity I find so hard. I just feel grateful that she sleeps so much as it buys me respite. Everyone here has so much love for their PWD & are dealing with such difficult issues. It makes me feel so deficient in proper feeling. I have recently retired as I couldn’t hold down a very stressful job & deal with the daily calls asking where I was & what time was it. I just feel so guilty that I can’t give her what she needs with love rather than a - to be totally honest - sense of duty.
How do people deal with the reversal of roles between mother & child especially when the mother has been so judgemental in the past. Sorry for a rather rambling post but I feel so deficient compared with the amazing efforts of others here.

Oh, you're not alone. I don't want to care for my mother but somebody has to and it has fallen to me. We've always had 'issues' and I too get very tired of her constant moaning and 'Me, me, ME!' attitude. It's never been any different.

Actually, as you have lived with your mother for 15 years, you are more than an angel - you are a saint! I couldn't have managed 15 days with my mother

 

[marionq]

My husband is a nice person and I’m totally fed up being a carer so I think you are a bit of a saint too. This is in many ways a thankless lonely task and to do it for 15 years for someone you don’t like very much is quite special. Well done thou good and faithful daughter.

 

[Linbrusco]

I cared for my Mum 78 out of love, through Leukemia 2011 & then bowel cancer 2012 and both of these, apart from bowel surgery were early stage and needing no major treatment, it was Mums Alzheimers 2013 that proved the most awful.
I did everything I could for Mum and more until she went into care nearly 3 yrs ago.
Mum and I were very close, and I was very protective of her with respect to my Dad.

This was one of the reasons they sold their house 10 yrs ago and we built on our property for them. I wanted to be able to keep a closer eye on them.

My Dad 81 has always had a borderline narcisstic personality.
Little empathy or sympathy.
It was always me, me.
He made jokes at Mums expense, belittled her in front of others and was verbally abusive and although I’ve never actually witnessed outright physical abuse, but I did see little pushes & shoves.
Mum used to run around after him, and when Alzheimers set in and she no longer could he would either make fun of her memory or get angry with her.
If someone can contribute to someones mental decline, then my Dad takes the prize.
I hold a lot of grudges against Dad and angry to this day as to how he treated Mum when she was at her worst and unable to defend herself.

and now Dads been diagnosed with mixed dementia and all his bad qualities are now x 10.
I only care out of duty ( through gritted teeth) and compared to Mum do the bare minimum.
The day he goes into care I will hold no guilt nor shed a tear.

I would say after 15yrs you have done very well.

 

[Cazzita]

You ARE an angel x

 

[Reluctantcarer]

Thank you all for your generous support & empathy. When I posted I had just dropped my mother at my sister’s for Easter so I now have a two week break which is why everything came flooding out. One of my jobs over the next week will be to try & clear her bedroom of some of the clutter/ junk - curtains that are 40 years old & don’t fit any of our windows; bedspreads & tablecloths we never use, 7 dressing gowns - the list goes on... I’ll just tackle the boxes she can’t see under the bed & top of wardrobes & move the unused jigsaws & other stuff into that space so at least one or two surfaces are clear which might stop piles slipping onto the floor. Trying to prevent trip hazards is an ongoing struggle & mum can’t let anything go. I know she had a hard upbringing but the sheer quantity of tat is stopping her enjoying the nice things. I feel mean but her hoarding is getting out of control. I recently found a large amount of cash which she has managed to lose again but is convinced it’s under the mattress. I’ve lifted that mattress every day for the last week to show her it isn’t there. Deep breath & thanks once again to everyone. I’m lucky that my sister does step up every so often even though she works full time.

 

[nae sporran]

Good morning and welcome to TP, Reluctantcarer. I'm not surprised you let it all out, but that's what we're here for. Good luck with the tidying and decluttering, but don't forget to have a bit of time to sit in the garden or find a quiet café somewhere and relax. You've earned it.
Have you read the compassionate communication thread, which may help you on some of the harder days of negativity and repeat conversations. https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/ is the link.

 

[father ted]

Just to reiterate what everyone has said!

15 years is a very long time- even if you had had a good relationship. It says something that she favoured your sister but chose to live with you. Don't be so hard on yourself, I am sure so many people on this site share your feelings. Actions speak louder than words and you are certainly doing what is needed so no need to feel that you are lacking in any way.

 

[canary]

I think you have done amazingly well - 15 years is no mean feat
You are certainly among the angels.

I sympathise with the hoarding. When I cleared out mums home I was astounded by the piles and piles of rubbish.
Stashes of money is very common BTW, people with dementia will often put valuable (to them) stuff "away safely" - aka hiding it so be very careful when chucking stuff out and check it all first. I found a valuable gold necklace at the bottom of mums tea caddy with tea bags on the top. I nearly got rid of the whole lot, but frugally decided to use the tea bags and then found the necklace!