Help

[XUANLONG]

So my mum has dementia and had been getting worse over the last 5years
She went into a care home in January she hates it it's the best care home staff lovely a really lovely place.
My mum could be in Buckingham palace and it wouldn't be good enough
She refuses to join in and hates it and cries all the time when I visit.
She wants to go home.
We still have her home that we need to sort out and I've ti3d to take something's from her home ornaments books etc. But she tells me to.take them home and becomes aggressive
She doesnt have any personal care any more refuses to wash her hair bath or shower. And has been like that a long time.wont let us wash her clothes
But I don't know what to do as she hates it so much there should I let her go home with a plan on place carers etc
Which she has had for nearly 5 years but got worse as she wasn't compliant with medication locking her door etc. Please if someone can help as I don't know what to do for the best

 

[Jessbow]

The best thing to do is stand your ground, and remember, she went there for a reason, and that hasn't changed.

You are doing the best thing for her, although its so very hard

 

[love.dad.but..]

My dad took many months to settle to any degree and I always thought that it was more a decline that lessened his awareness which brought this about. You have answered your own question really...she became vulnerable at home...non compliant...I know it is hard as our instinct is to sometimes think could we try again at home...however the reality is no...her situation would not improve and most probably be worse than now.

I would speak to the manager and try to address the personal care situation...my dad was very resistant to personal care in his NH but ways were found and experienced dementia staff and homes should be used to that and have strategies to help. You are making the right decisions for your mum to keep her safe and looked after but I know from my experience how hard it is.

 

[Rosettastone57]

So my mum has dementia and had been getting worse over the last 5years
She went into a care home in January she hates it it's the best care home staff lovely a really lovely place.
My mum could be in Buckingham palace and it wouldn't be good enough
She refuses to join in and hates it and cries all the time when I visit.
She wants to go home.
We still have her home that we need to sort out and I've ti3d to take something's from her home ornaments books etc. But she tells me to.take them home and becomes aggressive
She doesnt have any personal care any more refuses to wash her hair bath or shower. And has been like that a long time.wont let us wash her clothes
But I don't know what to do as she hates it so much there should I let her go home with a plan on place carers etc
Which she has had for nearly 5 years but got worse as she wasn't compliant with medication locking her door etc. Please if someone can help as I don't know what to do for the best

Stand firm. Ignore her demands. Easier said than done, I appreciate . She's in the best and only place for her

 

[XUANLONG]

Thankyou for your reply just seeing her crying and wanting to go home.
The nurses havd said don't tell her we need to sort her home out so what do we do with all her stuff so sad xx

 

[Lorna44]

It's hard, but, the best thing is to keep what you think she wants kept and sentimental items, but dont say what you get rid off....
When we cleared my mums house after she went into a home, we got rid of 90% of her belongings, we had to, we had no where to keep it, there was never a chance of mum coming home so she will never find out. We told her it was in storage and after a while she stopped asking. Its a really tough time but stay strong.

 

[XUANLONG]

Stand firm. Ignore her demands. Easier said than done, I appreciate . She's in the best and only place for her

T

It's hard, but, the best thing is to keep what you think she wants kept and sentimental items, but dont say what you get rid off....
When we cleared my mums house after she went into a home, we got rid of 90% of her belongings, we had to, we had no where to keep it, there was never a chance of mum coming home so she will never find out. We told her it was in storage and after a while she stopped asking. Its a really tough time but stay strong.

Thankyou that's what the home said to say just so sad and my sister gets so mad at her because 9f her personal hygiene what's best to do doesn't seem fair scolding her she can't help it

 

[canary]

Im afraid that you will have to decide what to do with all her stuff yourself.
Clearing and selling mum home was a horrible job. I felt really guilty that I was going behind her back, but there was no other way. If I had told her she would not have understood why and would have been so upset. I never told her that i had sold it.

 

[XUANLONG]

Thankyou for your reply she is not wanting anything at the home either so hard xx

 

[XUANLONG]

Hi can anyone advise I don't yet have poa for my mum trying to sort this.
Spoken to mum's mental heath team social worker and dr and they havd said mum does have mental capacity. A have a dr who will put there name on the poa.Trying to get my mum to sign the forms is another subject. She says I'll.see which is mum's dementia speaking. Been say it I'll see for 5 years over various things. Can I do the poa and just let the dr sign it as don't think my mum will do the poa.

 

[nitram]

Sorry, the Dr can only act as 'certificate provider' certifying that your mum fully understands the POA and is not being coerced.

Your mum's signature is essential to grant the POA.

 

[canary]

My mum wouldnt sign the POA either.
Eventually she lost capacity and I had to apply to the Court of Protection for deputyship.
You can only go along this route once she has lost capacity, though.

 

[canary]

I must say, though, that in view of what you have previously said about your mum, Im surprised that she is still considered to have capacity.

 

[XUANLONG]

I must say, though, that in view of what you have previously said about your mum, Im surprised that she is still considered to have capacity.

Exactly that's what I said to the Dr but apparently capacity they say is different so mum doesn't have capacity to decide where she lives but can have capacity for her bank accounts

 

[XUANLONG]

My mum wouldnt sign the POA either.
Eventually she lost capacity and I had to apply to the Court of Protection for deputyship.
You can only go along this route once she has lost capacity, though.

Even though she can't get out refuses even though I offer not paid her bills in 2 years so i pay them so how can she have poa i don't understand

 

[XUANLONG]

Hi can anyone advise I don't yet have poa for my mum trying to sort this.
Spoken to mum's mental health team and dr who said mum does have mental capacity for poa.
And the Dr will sign it and do a report if needed when I send the poa off.
So the Dr went to the nursing home and spoken to mum and left information on the poa.
So took the forms and mum says I will see she has been saying that for nearly 5 years about going out shopping paying bills washing and everything else.
So I don't think she will sign have heard of court of protection which the Dr spoke about. Just don't know what to do as the Dr says she has mental capacity my mum is very clever as in can let the Dr believe what she thinks they want to hear.
Help and advise please has anyone been in a similar position
Thank You

 

[karaokePete]

The CoP route can involve a lot of expense and the PoA avoids much of that and makes life easier if both Finance and Health are covered. However, it's up to the person to freely appoint the PoA whilst they have capacity.

In my region(NI) the system is different and I just took my wife to a solicitor, which is required here, to have her capacity checked and the forms completed.

The best I can do is copy the undernoted link to you. If you click the PDF line you will be able to read about the English system. Maybe later someone with experience of your situation will be along to advise what worked for them

Lasting power of attorney (472)
PDF printable version

 

[Shedrech]

hi @XUANLONG
maybe complete the forms online for your mum, then have a 'tea party' at the home with the folk who will be signing, take her favourite cake/treat, keep all about the signing low key so when you mention the LPAs you can whip them out and say 'no time like the present' ...
do the LPA for finance and property first

 

[nitram]

when you mention the LPAs you can whip them out and say 'no time like the present'

Remember that when the certificate provider signs there should not be any attorneys present.

 

[Banjomansmate]

Nitram is right, I was sent out of the room while the Solicitor asked if The Banjoman was sure he wanted to sign his LPAs, so there was no possibility of coercion.