Settling into a care home.

[Sunny Days 321]

Hi, mum has recently celebrated her 90th birthday and has now been in her care home for nearly a fortnight. It is a lovely place, local to me and the staff are kind and caring.Before going in mum had been attending day care twice a week so her surroundings were somewhat familiar and more importantly the staff already knew her. I have just returned from my fourth visit and I know it's early days but she is very cross and agitated with me for 'leaving ' her there and thinks that it's 'disgusting' and that 'I should know better'. She is unable to understand that she is no longer able to live safely by herself and wants to know why she is there when she has a perfectly good house nearby. Visits are strained and I seem to inflame the situation as I'm told by the staff that she is settling quite well. I'm finding these visits very stressful and upsetting and still have that awful feeling of guilt for placing her there in the first place. I have cared for mum for the past 10 years in her own home with carers as well as bringing up my own family and working and know that this is the right thing but I am struggling to see it like that. I have a brother and sister who live a long way away so are unable to visit and I'm not sure they are able to realise the full emotional impact this is having on me as they have not been that involved in her care and are somewhat distanced from it.
Any ideas as to how I can approach these visits to make them less stressful? When do you stop feeling guilty?

 

[father ted]

The guilty feeling is hard to shift and sometimes never leaves you but that is part of the deal it seems.

Take comfort in the fact that Mum knew the place beforehand, that the staff are kind and attentive and she is safe and being looked after. I am sure she will settle it is still early days. Sadly when someone is unable to care for themselves and aren’t safe to be left the sensible and best option is residential care and you have found a good place. You have a young family that need your attention too don’t spread yourself too thin.

I hope this is just a blip and she settles soon- I am sure she will. You had limited options and took the best one available to you.

 

[Sunny Days 321]

The guilty feeling is hard to shift and sometimes never leaves you but that is part of the deal it seems.

Take comfort in the fact that Mum knew the place beforehand, that the staff are kind and attentive and she is safe and being looked after. I am sure she will settle it is still early days. Sadly when someone is unable to care for themselves and aren’t safe to be left the sensible and best option is residential care and you have found a good place. You have a young family that need your attention too don’t spread yourself too thin.

I hope this is just a blip and she settles soon- I am sure she will. You had limited options and took the best one available to you.

Thank you for your kind words it's helpful to hear from someone who understands.

 

[canary]

When she asks why she cant go home are you trying to explain? As you say, she is unable to understand the reason as in her mind she is perfectly capable of looking after herself, so you must be despicable and the worst daughter ever to make her go there!!

You will have to come up with some other reason why she is there that she will accept. Perhaps the heating isnt working at her house so she is there while it is being fixed? If she wants to go home NOW then maybe it is too cold/dark/wet to travel, or there has been an accident and the roads are closed - but you will take her home tomorrow (and then say the same thing tomorrow). I told mum that she was convalescing and she could go home when the doctor said so. Eventually mum stopped asking.

Something else that might help is if you dont actually say goodbye. This used to trigger the "want to go home" loop, so I would leave my coat and bag in the office, which then didnt make it obvious that I was going, and say that I needed to talk to someone, or go to the loo and I would be back soon. Then I would just leave. You could also try leaving when there is something to distract her, like a meal.

It is still very early stages - it usually takes a couple of months for someone to settle and Im sure she will.
xx

 

[Sunny Days 321]

When she asks why she cant go home are you trying to explain? As you say, she is unable to understand the reason as in her mind she is perfectly capable of looking after herself, so you must be despicable and the worst daughter ever to make her go there!!

You will have to come up with some other reason why she is there that she will accept. Perhaps the heating isnt working at her house so she is there while it is being fixed? If she wants to go home NOW then maybe it is too cold/dark/wet to travel, or there has been an accident and the roads are closed - but you will take her home tomorrow (and then say the same thing tomorrow). I told mum that she was convalescing and she could go home when the doctor said so. Eventually mum stopped asking.

Something else that might help is if you dont actually say goodbye. This used to trigger the "want to go home" loop, so I would leave my coat and bag in the office, which then didnt make it obvious that I was going, and say that I needed to talk to someone, or go to the loo and I would be back soon. Then I would just leave. You could also try leaving when there is something to distract her, like a meal.

It is still very early stages - it usually takes a couple of months for someone to settle and Im sure she will.
xx

Thank you

 

[Sunny Days 321]

Thank you

Thank you canary, will try some different excuses. Said I had to pick up my daughter from school today and she said "Well how old is she?" I replied "14" so mum said "Well, she can get home on her own then, she's nearly the same age as me!" Mum's 90! Yes, it's early days, guess it's a period of adjustment for all of us, just find it all very sad. Thank you for your help.

 

[jugglingmum]

Thank you canary, will try some different excuses. Said I had to pick up my daughter from school today and she said "Well how old is she?" I replied "14" so mum said "Well, she can get home on her own then, she's nearly the same age as me!" Mum's 90! Yes, it's early days, guess it's a period of adjustment for all of us, just find it all very sad. Thank you for your help.

Maybe say your daughter is a bit younger next time, things have changed and in your mum's day the school leaving age probably was 14, and those that were still at school wouldn't have been picked up, so you need something that is more believeable.

 

[Sunny Days 321]

Maybe say your daughter is a bit younger next time, things have changed and in your mum's day the school leaving age probably was 14, and those that were still at school wouldn't have been picked up, so you need something that is more believeable.

You're right, maybe will give that a try next time. Thank you.

 

[Sirena]

I would avoid getting into discussions about why you're leaving, because whatever you will say you won't win. Like Canary, I never tell my mother I am going, I say I am going to the loo, or to put something in her room, so I don't say goodbye. I leave my coat in the car and my handbag never leaves my side even if I am going to the loo (the staff tell us to keep everything with us, otherwise a resident will adopt it and we'll never see it again. Had a close call with a pair of sunglasses I left on a table..)

You say visits are strained, but she is fine when you aren't there, so it could be a good idea to visit less often for the first few weeks. And when you do visit, be determinedly upbeat and steer the conversation away from anything potentially upsetting, if you allow the 'why can't I go home' loop to develop it will upset both of you. My mother takes her cue from me so I always staple on a smile, much as I often don't feel like it.

 

[Toony Oony]

Hi @Sunny Days 321
I had the full emotional blackmail thing going on when Mum first moved to her CH. 'How could you do this to me' 'I thought I knew you' etc etc. Mum badmouthed me to anyone who would listen and gave me the 'silent treatment'.
I can feel for you. You are riddled with guilt as it takes so much to make that decision to move someone into residential care, and then on top of all that you get a barrage of accusations and upset.
I told my Mum that she was there because I loved her, that I could see her more frequently and that I knew she was being kept safe - safer than I or anyone else could keep her. I also said that if she felt like that about me, it would be best that I left as I didn't want to upset her further. I was prepared to see her and leave almost immediately each visit, for as long as it took - however, it wasn't necessary. Mum soon calmed down, or her memory erased it and she settled.

Since then, on a couple of occasions when Mum said her usual : 'I want to live with you' and the 'Don't leave me, I need you here all the time' , she got really, really hurtful and nasty to me. The Carers were quite shocked. Long ago, decades before dementia, Mum was the Queen of Emotional Blackmail and it would appear that although her conversation makes little sense, she rallies when she wants to! I am really tough - but a couple of times she got to me, my eyes welled and my voice broke and Mum knew she had upset me deeply. She stopped immediately.

I think what I am trying to say is that every person's PWD is different, their relationship both past and present is different ... and that will change as the months go by. Don't be afraid to show your own feelings to your Mum, and trust your gut instinct to do what you feel is the best course of action for both of you - failing that it's down to trial and error. The Carers are your friends and can be a great help, particularly if there is one that Mum warms to. It's a steep learning curve!

Hope all goes well for both of you
X

 

[Witzend]

I felt just the same. In the early weeks and months my mother was often very angry with me and siblings for putting her there - we had only done it because we were 'after her money' - a sick joke when the care home fees were considered! She was quite unable to understand that there was anything wrong with her, or that e.g. she had been unable even to make herself a cup of tea, and had frequently been anxious or frightened at home, often of things she couldn't even name.

However staff told me that she was settling well, no,problem! It was my visits that triggered the anger. I lived closest, so although siblings did visit too, it was usually me.
Visits were very stressful for quite a while. My stomach would be in knots. I'd have to psych myself up to go and I don't mind admitting that sometimes I just couldn't face it, and chickened out.

It was invariably easier if someone else was with me, especially my husband - he'd always been something of a 'golden boy' to her!
It did eventually get considerably easier - after a few months she'd forgotten her former home completely, and if she did mention home, it was usually a long-ago childhood home, and wanting to go and see her parents. Cue the good old 'love lies' - 'I can't take you today because (any suitable sounding excuse) but maybe we could go tomorrow?' Zero short term memory mean I could repeat as necessary.

Hang in there, Im sure will get easier, and please don't feel guilty if sometimes you just can't face it.

 

[MaNaAk]

Thank you canary, will try some different excuses. Said I had to pick up my daughter from school today and she said "Well how old is she?" I replied "14" so mum said "Well, she can get home on her own then, she's nearly the same age as me!" Mum's 90! Yes, it's early days, guess it's a period of adjustment for all of us, just find it all very sad. Thank you for your help.

Dear Sunny Days,

I usually use meal times to disappear or wait until dad is asleep in the chair or in the toilet. I know it's difficult but don't say goodbye but do remind yourself that you are doing your best.

MaNaAk

 

[Sunny Days 321]

I would avoid getting into discussions about why you're leaving, because whatever you will say you won't win. Like Canary, I never tell my mother I am going, I say I am going to the loo, or to put something in her room, so I don't say goodbye. I leave my coat in the car and my handbag never leaves my side even if I am going to the loo (the staff tell us to keep everything with us, otherwise a resident will adopt it and we'll never see it again. Had a close call with a pair of sunglasses I left on a table..)

You say visits are strained, but she is fine when you aren't there, so it could be a good idea to visit less often for the first few weeks. And when you do visit, be determinedly upbeat and steer the conversation away from anything potentially upsetting, if you allow the 'why can't I go home' loop to develop it will upset both of you. My mother takes her cue from me so I always staple on a smile, much as I often don't feel like it.

Thank you for your advice and suggestions. Will give it a go I guess it is a learning curve for both of us and still very much early days. She didn't ask to go home this week so maybe things are improving!

 

[Sunny Days 321]

I felt just the same. In the early weeks and months my mother was often very angry with me and siblings for putting her there - we had only done it because we were 'after her money' - a sick joke when the care home fees were considered! She was quite unable to understand that there was anything wrong with her, or that e.g. she had been unable even to make herself a cup of tea, and had frequently been anxious or frightened at home, often of things she couldn't even name.

However staff told me that she was settling well, no,problem! It was my visits that triggered the anger. I lived closest, so although siblings did visit too, it was usually me.
Visits were very stressful for quite a while. My stomach would be in knots. I'd have to psych myself up to go and I don't mind admitting that sometimes I just couldn't face it, and chickened out.

It was invariably easier if someone else was with me, especially my husband - he'd always been something of a 'golden boy' to her!
It did eventually get considerably easier - after a few months she'd forgotten her former home completely, and if she did mention home, it was usually a long-ago childhood home, and wanting to go and see her parents. Cue the good old 'love lies' - 'I can't take you today because (any suitable sounding excuse) but maybe we could go tomorrow?' Zero short term memory mean I could repeat as necessary.

Hang in there, Im sure will get easier, and please don't feel guilty if sometimes you just can't face it.

Thank you for replying, your experiences sound very similar to mine. My last visit was a little better (mum had been icing cakes and eaten most of the icing so I think was on a 'sugar high'!)
She told all the carers " Have you met my wonderful daughter!" and didn't talk about going home. I think the fact that it was a bright sunny day also made a difference. She was still angry when I left at lunch time though telling me' not to come back !' I wasn't as upset as before and think I will have to try and develop a thick skin to deal with it and of course keep a sense of humour. Thank you for your help.

 

[Sunny Days 321]

Dear Sunny Days,

I usually use meal times to disappear or wait until dad is asleep in the chair or in the toilet. I know it's difficult but don't say goodbye but do remind yourself that you are doing your best.

MaNaAk

Thank you MaNaAk, have changed my visiting times to the morning and have been leaving just before lunch. A little better but a way to go yet, still very early days. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[Sunny Days 321]

Hi @Sunny Days 321
I had the full emotional blackmail thing going on when Mum first moved to her CH. 'How could you do this to me' 'I thought I knew you' etc etc. Mum badmouthed me to anyone who would listen and gave me the 'silent treatment'.
I can feel for you. You are riddled with guilt as it takes so much to make that decision to move someone into residential care, and then on top of all that you get a barrage of accusations and upset.
I told my Mum that she was there because I loved her, that I could see her more frequently and that I knew she was being kept safe - safer than I or anyone else could keep her. I also said that if she felt like that about me, it would be best that I left as I didn't want to upset her further. I was prepared to see her and leave almost immediately each visit, for as long as it took - however, it wasn't necessary. Mum soon calmed down, or her memory erased it and she settled.

Since then, on a couple of occasions when Mum said her usual : 'I want to live with you' and the 'Don't leave me, I need you here all the time' , she got really, really hurtful and nasty to me. The Carers were quite shocked. Long ago, decades before dementia, Mum was the Queen of Emotional Blackmail and it would appear that although her conversation makes little sense, she rallies when she wants to! I am really tough - but a couple of times she got to me, my eyes welled and my voice broke and Mum knew she had upset me deeply. She stopped immediately.

I think what I am trying to say is that every person's PWD is different, their relationship both past and present is different ... and that will change as the months go by. Don't be afraid to show your own feelings to your Mum, and trust your gut instinct to do what you feel is the best course of action for both of you - failing that it's down to trial and error. The Carers are your friends and can be a great help, particularly if there is one that Mum warms to. It's a steep learning curve!

Hope all goes well for both of you
X

Thank you for your kind words. As you say it's a steep learning curve and it's early days still. Had a better visit this week as mum was very smiley and chatty when I arrived which was lovely and I'm getting to know the carers as well which has been helpful. Finding it a bit easier to leave (generally speaking mum is very cross when I get up to go) as I know the carers take over and distract her and I'm sure I'm soon forgotten. Thank you for your help will keep trying!