Help Me If You Can I'm Feeling Down!

[EllieS]

Mum's birthday today - 83 years old - came with the realisation that she doesn't know who I am!

I don't see her as often as my heart would like - circumstances, working long hours, no independent car, as well as that horrific feeling almost always after leaving her,selfish it might be, but it makes me a mental wreck for days/weeks after.

Constant repetition of questions: are you taking me home, you're not going to leave me here on my own are you,why am I living here I don't know anyone, why aren't I in the town where I used to live, who made the decision for me to be here, what right did they have to take me away from my home - glaring into my eyes!

Me thinking, to hell with it,do I tell her yes, it was my decision that she came to live near me because her son didn't want her near to him! No, of course not, I do know she doesn't mean to hurt me but the fact is that it hurts so much.

There are, of course nicer moments between all of this - Mum does actually say nicer things to me now than she ever did - maybe that's because she doesn't recognise me!!!

I've really had enough - how can I believe in a God when Mum is in this situation - she is so terribly lonely - lonely for what I don't think she knows but she knows it's not right - it's so cruel as you all know.

I'm just not sure where I can get any more strength from - it's certainly not from my own sons or husband at the moment - they're far too selfish to pay anything other than lip service to my feelings.

I feel like a robot - do, do do - when am I going to get get get (not love, 'cos they all say they do that already, but true understanding and demonstration of caring not only for me but for their Nan). Husband says I shouldn't try to make sons visit - when Mum comes home for a couple of hours the boys/men are always pleased to see her and they say they feel bad about not visiting her in the Home but, well, I guess it's their life isn't it.

I've rambled enough - was so very angry. Even angry with my beloved departed Dad - why can't he help to get Mum out of here!!!

I despair, I feel like s--t, am treated like s--t. Boy am I sounding like a martyr. I'm just so fed up with all of it!!

Thanks for your ears!

MiserablE

 

[lesmisralbles]

You are just going through what all of us have.
Talk as much as you want.
Barb X

 

[Skye]

Ellie, love, just sending you hugs!

We all have days like that, and your mum's birthday must have really brought it all home to you.

I can't do anything to ease your situation, but I do know what it feels like to have no-one who truly understands the pain.

But we've always got TP, and here people always understand.

Love,

 

[EllieS]

Dear Skye

You always seem to be there for me when I fall back on TP.

Any chance you could move next door! Could do with lots of those hugs lately!!!

Doesn't it just make you feel useless & selfish. I just wish I could turn off - I feel bad if I don't visit Mum and I feel bad if I do - really fed up with feeling so flipping miserable.

Just would really really like to be happy again. Nothing anyone says can help, I know.

I've spoken with my GP about feeling so low and he's kind and thinks I should take his advice and have anti-depressants but I'm so afraid of what drugs do to our brains - saw it with my Dad and just feel I should try to get a life outside of the worries which might take me out of this depressive state - only problem is how to do it. I know what to do, but am just not doing it - should go swimming, could go to the gym - just find a couple of hours a week for myself. Why can't I do it!

Got to see GP again in 6 weeks - to tell him how many times I've been to the gym or swimming! Zero to date! I am really really pathetic - there always seems to be something more important than me. I really do not want to be pathetic but I just am.

So fed up with crying - just seem to have used up all of my fight and am looking for something that's just not there!!

Wow,I'm off again...............

Thanks though

Ellie

 

[Helen33]

Dear Ellie

You sound so down Ellie and so alone with all of this. Setting a target to go to the gym or swimming can be setting oneself up to fail and feel even worse so I wonder whether you have thought about having a few one-to-one sessions with someone to help you. Hazel often mentions the Princess Royal Trust and I do know that in some places they offer counselling to carers. It sounds like you need someone around at the moment that is there just for you and that is what counselling can offer.

This is just a thought. I am glad that you were able to let off a bit of steam on Talking Point - we are always here and listening.

Love and best wishes

 

[Skye]

Why can't I do it!

Ellie, you know the answer to that! Because you're depressed!

Please go and see your GP again and accept those pills! They won't do anything to your brain, except hopefully make it function better. A short course of them may be all you need, but don't forget it may take around three weeks for them to take full effect.

They're not addictive, and you'll be able to come off them when you feel better. You take pain killers for a headache, cough medecine for a cough -- this is no different.

Get yourelf there tomorrow!

As for moving next door, I'd love to. The weather up here is foul! Unfortunately, it's a long way to commute to feed John!

Maybe one day.

Take care of yourself now, and go and see that GP tomorrow.

Love,

 

[EllieS]

Skye - Are you sure they won't mess me up!

The pills I mean!

How can they help me - when the reasons for my depression are still there?

I've never taken medication - only, as you say, the occasional Ibuprofen - not even the pill apart from a few months donkeys years ago.

GP mentioned that they're not something you can come off of quickly but he did think they could help me!

I have such a 'thing' about them.

I'm 58 and have recollections of horror stories surrounding them.

Negative Negative Negative feelings I know but............

Anyway, you and your John - how long have you both been suffering with this hateful disease - how do you manage to cope - I do hope you have lots of loving people around you who truly care and understand. It is so very important for you to keep well and strong y'know. I hope you manage to have a 'life' as well as a 'love'.

Ellie

 

[May]

Hi EllieS, I haven't 'spoken' to you before, good to meet you. Just wanted to reiterate what Skye has said.

Please go and see your GP again and accept those pills! They won't do anything to your brain, except hopefully make it function better

Do take your doctors advice, I speak from personal experience! I too 'hate' taking tablets the occasional paracetamol for a headache but that's it..... I crashed at the beginning of this year. I didn't want to take tablets, resisted, but finally did go on anti-depressants on very firm advice from my doctor, and have to say would have done it sooner if I had known how much they have helped. As my son said to me, they don't take over your life, but they do allow you to function (which I wasn't). They don't take away any problems you may have but they do allow you to cope much better.
I'm 56 and I too can recollect 'horror stories' but the new forms of tablets are not like the older drugs.

Take care and sending you hugs.

 

[EllieS]

Dear Helen

2 years ago my GP arranged for me to have some counselling sessions and they did help - the counsellor made me see that I'm not the horrible person I'd been told I was and not to allow other people to pass their guilt and bad feelings on to me. Was fine 'sh for about a year then had some more sessions, which again helped enormously.

The problem is, I think, that I am embarrassed in a way to admit that the previous sessions appear to have not helped (when they did) 'cos I am in need of more - do you know what I mean?

I admit I don't have any close friends - moved around a bit with hubby and didn't keep in touch and now am just so flipping busy with work that no time for anything else. Pathetic I know!

Hubby & I just don't seem to have enough about us to get life's other than work - we do holiday for 2 weeks at Christmas time when we honestly do relax and not worry!

My wish list would be:
For Mum to either not suffer from AD - or that she pass on and suffer no more (sorry if this sounds horrid - it's not meant to be)
For my son to be well enough to work 5 days a week every week for the family business - he's been having investigations for Thyroid/MS type symptoms for 2 years and although I'm very glad to say he does not have MS they've not been able to confirm why he suffers from tingling in fingers and feet and extreme tiredness. Frustratingly it seems that every Monday he's off work and quite often at least one more day off each week - and as he's supposed to be learning some of my tasks we have no continuity whatever (selfish of me I know)
For me to be able to work fewer hours in the family business which would enable me to follow my heart and do what I would like to do with regard to visiting Mum and just being a home maker again.
For my husband to stop being Mr Angry and to begin growing old gracefully - not disgracefully as currently. Never wearing his glasses when he needs them, squinting taking ages to find them, constantly asking others where they are - not giving himself time to think sensibly before overreacting etc etc (me being selfish again me thinks)
For hubby & sons to understand that I am not as able as I was and that I am not a puppet - I'm constantly feeling pulled from all directions. I don't want to be so NEEDED anymore!
Last but not least - for my continuing care battle to end (hopefully successfully).

All my ranting has made me quite tired - am really grateful to you and Skye for your ears - hope I'll sleep well - hope you do too!

You're good people - thank you. Night Night!!

Ellie

 

[EllieS]

Dear May

I'm going to really seriously consider yours and Skye's advice.

Are there any that I should avoid though?

Ellie

 

[May]

Ellie, The newer SSRI medications are generally very safe and none addictive. That's not to say that some may or may not give some side effects. I had a little dizziness but that soon passed. Discuss with your doctor what he wants to prescribe for you. If she/he's like mine you will be given a full run down of what to expect and if you have any problems with the drug prescribed, talk to her/him, there are several drug types on the market, what suits one doesn't suit all.
I would still say to you, go for it,it's not an admission of failure (yes, I know I went thro' that one). I am forever thankful that I took my doctors advice, it's not a short term fix, so do expect to take these drugs for a fairly lengthy period, but, they do work.

Take care

 

[Margaret W]

Dear Ellie

Bless you for being such a thoughtful person. I can't hope to go through all your emails and extract the most important points ina few minutes, but one thing comes across very strong. You think you aren't doing right. BUT YOU ARE! You are doing exceptionally well. Family, e.g. sons, daughters and even husbands are on the periphery, if you get any help from them then you are very lucky and in a minority. That is not to say you beat yourself up about what you can do. Just do what you can do, love, and accept that your are not superhuman.

Despite what everyone else has said, I personally wouldn't go for tranquilizers, I would get yourself in to the frame of mind that says "I am doing my best. I am not fantastic, I don't have to be fantastic, I just have to do my best". Sounds as if you are doing it anyway.

Eeh, I did agree with your remark abou your dad. Same here. If he had lived he would be seeing to all his himself, so I have taken over his role.

Stop beating yourself up about it. You are doing a great job, your mum cannot wish for anything better from such a loving daughter.

Love

Margaret

 

[Helen33]

Dear Ellie

that I am embarrassed in a way to admit that the previous sessions appear to have not helped (when they did) 'cos I am in need of more - do you know what I mean?

I do know what you mean but needing more counselling isn't a sign of failure. What it means is that it kept you going and was helpful for a period which is positive. Many people find they need more. One way to look at it is, whilst counselling helped you it kept you off medication!!

You do need to decide to do something but if you choose the counselling route, the counsellor would be able to advise if he/she felt you needed anti-depressants as well.

I wish you all the best

Love

 

[DianeB]

Ellie, Hi,

I quote you

The problem is, I think, that I am embarrassed in a way to admit that the previous sessions appear to have not helped (when they did) 'cos I am in need of more - do you know what I mean?


I am studying to be a counsellor, something that this term I have had to put on hold because of my Mums health. I have rang the Princess Trust and they are setting up some counselling for myself. If you know councelling helped before there is every chance it will help again. Your situation has changed since you last had some, and I think maybe having some more will give you the time you need for yourself, to help you to express your feelings as well. Never be embarrassed at feeling and being depressed, nobody asks to feel and be this way, it is a result of life grinding you down and not having the support struture in place....eg family. The main thing is you are recognising that you need help, and this is what you need to concentrate on, if you can't help yourself, then how can you help others honey. The gym and swimming can wait, counselling will give you "your time" as well. Try the Princess Trust I have found them to be excellent and it was Hazel bless that suggested them to me. Thank you Hazel xx

 

[CraigC]

Hi Ellie,

I'm no medical expert and please read my signature.

I think many will identify with you first post on this thread. The futility and pain of it all can drags many people down.

For me, these feelings come and go and I do feel deeply down on some days, almost out of control. This came to a head again when mum died and I was spending more days down than up, but talking to lots of people I could see the reason for it and managed to get through it without medication (so far). Help myself through it with friends and a lot of exercise, more for a distraction than anything. Also Talking Point lifts my spirits, belonging to a community of people that are going through similar issues and having similar emotions, people that I can really talk to.

HOWEVER, in my experience of dealing with people very close to me who have had depression, there is a big difference in my feeling very down to actual clinical depression. This should be diagnosed by and expert. You should be given a list of about 10 questions that are very important in diagnosis and I'm not going to post them here as a they would need careful consideration by someone qualified. In my humble opinion, those that need medication the most are people with a down feeling that just won't go away - all the ups completely disappear and life does not feel like it is worth living any more on a day-by-day basis.

Lots of stigma with depression, but a lot suffer from it and medications can be very beneficial particularly if taken for a relatively short spell (again, in my humble opinion).

I'm no expert, just my experience.

Kind Regards and best of luck
Craig

 

[EllieS]

I'm back at the grindstone now but thank you all

you got me through last night.

I've made myself some sandwiches for lunch - hubby usually has to plonk something down in front of me while I work - he tries to get me to stop - but there's always so flipping much to do. I do know that I should stop, I do know that if I dropped dead things would go on but do I listen to him and me, NO.

I've made him some too - I've just got so bad about food shopping, cooking everything really.

On arrival at work I also walked to the post box to post some letters - 2 minutes fresh air was lovely. I just need to be more determined and not let the 'others' (sound like aliens don't they) actions/inactions stop me from persevering.

And.........I'm writing this - ALL OF YOU HAVE AS GOOD A DAY AS YOU'RE ABLE, IF YOU SEE YOUR LOVED ONES REMEMBER HOW LUCKY THEY ARE TO HAVE YOU AND...........WELL, JUST BE YOUR LOVELY SELVES.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.

I promise to keep you posted - hope next time I'm back it's with a little more light heartedness .

xxxxxx

Ellie

 

[Skye]

Hi Ellie

Glad you're feeling more positive today. I was half way through posting a reply to you this morning when I got a phone call fron John's NH and had to dash -- all's well, though!

You've pre-empted my post, so I'll save it. But do consider counselling, medication, or both. There's no shame in needing support, we all do!

Love,

 

[DianeB]

Exactly right Hazel, none of us would be here if we didn't need some form of support.