Goodbye Mum

[Kikki21]

I've just applied for probate for my dad. I was going to use a solicitor but the one who quoted wanted almost £5,200 for what is a very straightforward will and estate. This was just for probate, not for the sale of dads bungalow.

Once I'd found all (3) of dads accounts, he had no debts, and let everyone (tax, pensions, utilities) etc know of his death so I had an idea of what his assets were it was easy to fill in the probate form online. It cost £215 as I did it just before the recent price hike, so quite a saving!

I've just received the death certificate back and told to expect probate to be granted within 20 days if they have no queries.

It was a bit of a pain having to deal with the banks as I hate paperwork! it's not something I would have liked to have done without a financial incentive though..

That’s an awfully high price @Bunpoots for something simple. I know all the details for my mum. She had no debts. I want to feel confident with whoever deals with my mum’s estate which includes the executor & the solicitor & I can’t say I feel that confidence. Not how that woman spoke to me. She knows nothing of my personal circumstances etc.

 

[Marcelle123]

It's rotten for you. We're keeping you in our prayers.
Look after yourself, @Kikki21 - love & best wishes, Marcelle xx

 

[Kikki21]

It's rotten for you. We're keeping you in our prayers.
Look after yourself, @Kikki21 - love & best wishes, Marcelle xx

Thank you @Marcelle123 we will get there. I have plans & it is these plans that are keeping me going to the end goal xx

 

[Whitey2000]

So sorry only just seen your post, we are now in the same situation, it is very hard. I'm working through the probate forms myself. I did my dads and want to do moms too. Thinking of you x

 

[Kikki21]

So sorry only just seen your post, we are now in the same situation, it is very hard. I'm working through the probate forms myself. I did my dads and want to do moms too. Thinking of you x

Ah @Whitey2000 it is horrible. It has really started hitting home for me today. We had a really busy & successful wedding show & even though my mum didn’t really understand what I did, we would go & see her at the care home on a Monday & show her photos & today it really hit me that she’s not there anymore. It was really something stupid today that set me off. It was an Elvis song playing at the carvery & out of nowhere it all hit me. I feel really tired & I just want to fast forward to feeling better & for things to be sorted out.

I made contact with the priest conducting the service for my mum on Tuesday but all he has done is confirm he is doing it & not asked me anything about my mum at all! I think I will have to contact the funeral director tomorrow because this does not seem right at all.

I would have honestly got a celebrant to lead the service if this is how the priests conduct themselves beforehand. Finding that pretty disappointing if I am honest.
And now I am trying to write a eulogy as well. X

 

[jugglingmum]

I am assuming you have a Polish priest, but when we organised a funeral the priest couldn't have been more helpful, in fact we didn't deal with the Funeral Directors at all as he did all that for us. Perhaps try and make contact with the priest again, although if you have found the funeral directors helpful they are worth a try as well.

The priest we had made it clear he considered it part of his job to try and make everything go as smoothly as possible for us and we could contact him and he would try to sort things.

 

[Elle3]

Ah @Whitey2000 it is horrible. It has really started hitting home for me today. We had a really busy & successful wedding show & even though my mum didn’t really understand what I did, we would go & see her at the care home on a Monday & show her photos & today it really hit me that she’s not there anymore. It was really something stupid today that set me off. It was an Elvis song playing at the carvery & out of nowhere it all hit me. I feel really tired & I just want to fast forward to feeling better & for things to be sorted out.

I made contact with the priest conducting the service for my mum on Tuesday but all he has done is confirm he is doing it & not asked me anything about my mum at all! I think I will have to contact the funeral director tomorrow because this does not seem right at all.

I would have honestly got a celebrant to lead the service if this is how the priests conduct themselves beforehand. Finding that pretty disappointing if I am honest.
And now I am trying to write a eulogy as well. X

When my mum died we had the local Vicar, but we were so disappointed in him, he basically told me to write the Eulogy and when he conducted the ceremony it was very cold and he just read what I’d written and barely said much else apart from a few prayers. So for my dad’s funeral we had the Celebrant and he couldn’t have been more different. He was so helpful and would have written the Eulogy for me but I wanted to do it myself. But I said I was happy for him to do the opening and closing words and they were lovely and meaningful . You could tell he had really listened to me talking about my dad.

Maybe contact the priest again and ask how he will be conducting the ceremony for the order of service and if he want to know more about your mum. He should really be arranging to come and see you.

You have had so much to deal with it’s not surprising it hit you today and it can be the little things that do it. I know. Take care. X

 

[Kikki21]

I am assuming you have a Polish priest, but when we organised a funeral the priest couldn't have been more helpful, in fact we didn't deal with the Funeral Directors at all as he did all that for us. Perhaps try and make contact with the priest again, although if you have found the funeral directors helpful they are worth a try as well.

The priest we had made it clear he considered it part of his job to try and make everything go as smoothly as possible for us and we could contact him and he would try to sort things.

Yes I wanted a Polish priest to carry out the service. I rang his mobile which was unavailable (!) so I text him & he just confirmed he was doing the service. Really strange. The thing is my mum didn’t go to mass for a long time after my dad died so none of the priests would have known her apart from the ones calling in at the hospital. I think I will call the FD tomorrow.

 

[Kikki21]

When my mum died we had the local Vicar, but we were so disappointed in him, he basically told me to write the Eulogy and when he conducted the ceremony it was very cold and he just read what I’d written and barely said much else apart from a few prayers. So for my dad’s funeral we had the Celebrant and he couldn’t have been more different. He was so helpful and would have written the Eulogy for me but I wanted to do it myself. But I said I was happy for him to do the opening and closing words and they were lovely and meaningful . You could tell he had really listened to me talking about my dad.

Maybe contact the priest again and ask how he will be conducting the ceremony for the order of service and if he want to know more about your mum. He should really be arranging to come and see you.

You have had so much to deal with it’s not surprising it hit you today and it can be the little things that do it. I know. Take care. X

Considering that it is extra to have the Polish priest conduct the service then I don’t feel he is doing his job for sure. I really expected him to ring me today & ask about my mum & her life.
I don’t think we will have an order of service as there is not likely to be a lot of people for the funeral, not expecting more than 25.
Saying that, I have no clue if cousin K is actually coming & if she is, how many of her family are coming & same with cousin T. My half sisters said they wanted to send flowers for my mum but haven’t asked me anything since I told them my mum passed away.

I wish I had a celebrant now to conduct the service to make it more personal for my mum. At least they would be more involved as you say. But I will try & speak to the priest again tomorrow.
I’m at the bungalow in the midday for 2 estate agent valuations which I will pass on to the solicitor and executor - the solicitor hasn’t even acknowledged my email last week & the executor has gone quiet. And i’m just shaking my head at a lot of it! X

 

[Elle3]

Considering that it is extra to have the Polish priest conduct the service then I don’t feel he is doing his job for sure. I really expected him to ring me today & ask about my mum & her life.
I don’t think we will have an order of service as there is not likely to be a lot of people for the funeral, not expecting more than 25.
Saying that, I have no clue if cousin K is actually coming & if she is, how many of her family are coming & same with cousin T. My half sisters said they wanted to send flowers for my mum but haven’t asked me anything since I told them my mum passed away.

I wish I had a celebrant now to conduct the service to make it more personal for my mum. At least they would be more involved as you say. But I will try & speak to the priest again tomorrow.
I’m at the bungalow in the midday for 2 estate agent valuations which I will pass on to the solicitor and executor - the solicitor hasn’t even acknowledged my email last week & the executor has gone quiet. And i’m just shaking my head at a lot of it! X

The order of service is really easy to do as long as you know the order of things, that’s why it’s a good idea to speak to the Priest. There was only 19 of us at my dad’s funeral but I wanted people to have something to take away. I’ve been to a few funerals this past year and listening to the Eulogy and having the order of service to look at and take away really meant something, especially as I didn’t know them personally (friends husbands sadly).

All I did was use one piece of card folded in half and printed on both sides. I included about 6 photos at different stages of my dad’s life, a couple of poems I found and what the order of things would be as agreed with the Celbrant. I printed about 15 copies. I can show you a copy if you like?

Maybe you should just concentrate on the funeral and wake first. Then you can give everything else your full concentration. I know the feeling of wanting to be in control and get all the boxes ticked, but I think in this instance you need to let yourself grieve first. X

 

[notsogooddtr]

i think most people like to have the funeral before they deal with the 'business'side of things.Maybe the executor feels the same way?

 

[Kikki21]

The order of service is really easy to do as long as you know the order of things, that’s why it’s a good idea to speak to the Priest. There was only 19 of us at my dad’s funeral but I wanted people to have something to take away. I’ve been to a few funerals this past year and listening to the Eulogy and having the order of service to look at and take away really meant something, especially as I didn’t know them personally (friends husbands sadly).

All I did was use one piece of card folded in half and printed on both sides. I included about 6 photos at different stages of my dad’s life, a couple of poems I found and what the order of things would be as agreed with the Celbrant. I printed about 15 copies. I can show you a copy if you like?

Maybe you should just concentrate on the funeral and wake first. Then you can give everything else your full concentration. I know the feeling of wanting to be in control and get all the boxes ticked, but I think in this instance you need to let yourself grieve first. X

Ah that sounds lovely the order of service you did. I forgot about printing photos onto it. I can do one really quickly today I guess on my computer & then just print onto A4.
I’m typing up my eulogy.
There’s not much likely to be many more people at my mum’s funeral than was at your dad’s I would imagine & I did ask both cousins who is coming family wise for catering numbers but if they both choose to ignore me then tough. I’m not worrying about it!
I still don’t know what I am going to wear tomorrow. I did think I should possibly wear something my mum made for me but doubt I would fit into it and it wouldn’t be black! X

 

[love.dad.but..]

Ah @Whitey2000 it is horrible. It has really started hitting home for me today. We had a really busy & successful wedding show & even though my mum didn’t really understand what I did, we would go & see her at the care home on a Monday & show her photos & today it really hit me that she’s not there anymore. It was really something stupid today that set me off. It was an Elvis song playing at the carvery & out of nowhere it all hit me. I feel really tired & I just want to fast forward to feeling better & for things to be sorted out.

I made contact with the priest conducting the service for my mum on Tuesday but all he has done is confirm he is doing it & not asked me anything about my mum at all! I think I will have to contact the funeral director tomorrow because this does not seem right at all.

I would have honestly got a celebrant to lead the service if this is how the priests conduct themselves beforehand. Finding that pretty disappointing if I am honest.
And now I am trying to write a eulogy as well. X

I am catholic and albeit traditional latin funeral masses for both my mum and dad as per their wishes I do remember them telling me years ago that traditionally in their experience catholic funerals depending on the attitide of the Priest do not have eulogies or much said about the deceased. This has probably changed over the years in some parishes but if the Priest has been in the clergy a long time he perhaps is a little different to the ways of the modern church. Speaking to him will clarify this for you.
I was executor for mum and dad and helped OH with FILs...I didn't start on things until after the funeral as (and speaking only how I felt obviously) I felt it was more dignified for mum and dad to do that having said final goodbyes.

 

[Jessbow]

i think most people like to have the funeral before they deal with the 'business'side of things.Maybe the executor feels the same way?

I thought that- its very early to be getting anything underway yet.

 

[Kikki21]

i think most people like to have the funeral before they deal with the 'business'side of things.Maybe the executor feels the same way?

The funeral is tomorrow. It is important that the executor is confident with his duties as executor & clearly he is not.
He is also obligated to me & the other beneficiaries to deal with the estate to the best of his ability & I have said that I am willing to help.
I’ve already gone above & beyond as I feel it is my duty to do so.
I’m sorry but none of you know my personal circumstances here apart from what I say so it is also important to move on with the business side of things particularly as the executor is not local to me. So I will not get too many opportunities to do what needs to be done with him. That is just the way it is.

 

[Kikki21]

I am catholic and albeit traditional latin funeral masses for both my mum and dad as per their wishes I do remember them telling me years ago that traditionally in their experience catholic funerals depending on the attitide of the Priest do not have eulogies or much said about the deceased. This has probably changed over the years in some parishes but if the Priest has been in the clergy a long time he perhaps is a little different to the ways of the modern church. Speaking to him will clarify this for you.
I was executor for mum and dad and helped OH with FILs...I didn't start on things until after the funeral as (and speaking only how I felt obviously) I felt it was more dignified for mum and dad to do that having said final goodbyes.

Nothing has really started as such other than getting the funeral & wake organised from my side & valuations are just that.... the bungalow will get 2 more valuations before a decision is made with which estate agent to go with. Maybe it is quick to be getting involved in the business side of things but like I have said no one is local to me so as the executor is coming to the funeral tomorrow & said he will be also here on Wednesday so yes that is the time to help him get things done.

I am also self employed, did I really want to do 2 events this weekend just gone. The answer is absolutely not but no one is going to give me money to pay my rent & bills at this time so with regret, I have to work & have no choice about that.

My mum’s funeral is a crematorium service & not a full Catholic funeral mass. Maybe the priest might have been more interested if it was a full mass. The thing is my mum didn’t go to church for 19 years after my dad died although she had the local Catholic priest come round to see her at her house & the care home so at least he knew her. Maybe I should have picked him ( I don’t know any of them, not being a church goer myself) but then I thought she would have wanted a Polish Catholic priest to conduct the service.

My mum will actually have a 2nd funeral in Poland as the reason she is being cremated here is that she wants her ashes to be buried in Poland with her parents. I do believe that involves a mass in any case & a lot of red tape & administration.

 

[Marcelle123]

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Hope all goes well. xx

 

[notsogooddtr]

No offence intended,just an observation.I have dealt with the estates of both my parents and my FIL .It is doable but there are some things which take a bit of time.I'm not sure you can apply for probate until the house is sold as that will be a large part of the estate.The executor should place a notice in The London Gazette,that has to be in place for a month.If he's not prepared to step aside I'm not sure you have too many options.Similarly if he feels he needs to consult a solicitor to assist him.Try to put it to the back of your mind for now and concentrate on tomorrow.Best wishes.

 

[Kikki21]

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Hope all goes well. xx

Thank you @Marcelle123 - I have typed up the eulogy & the order of service. They are all printed & ready. It feels really weird. The Coop
phoned to say that they have my mum
& all is ready for tomorrow & confirmed arrangements. After dinner, I will just check the clothes drying & finalise my clothing for tomorrow. Unfortunately I am having to rest up as my back has decided to spasm like crazy after being stood up for too long for 2 days over the weekend so I am bent over in pain.

Luckily my fiancé has been tidying up as we will have several people coming to our house tomorrow afternoon & travelling in the limousine so we needed a spruce up.

And yes I had 2 valuations done on the bungalow today & also took the opportunity to take framed photos of my mum for the wake tomorrow which I think will be a nice touch xx

 

[nitram]

.I'm not sure you can apply for probate until the house is sold as that will be a large part of the estate.T

Probate formalises the distributions of assets.
Houses are commonly advertised by the beneficiary 'subject to probate'.