I've been thinking today, why do we do what we do? Why do we sacrifice our lives for someone else? I don't have an answer. I know that whilst I love my OH I resent the fact that dementia has robbed us both of our lives. Why don't I walk away? Love? Duty? Guilt? Am I i worried about what other people will think? I don't know. I stay but I hate the situation I'm in & I often wonder if it makes any difference me being there or would anyone do?
Why do we do it?
- Thread starter Littlebear
- Start date
I do it for love .some days others just slip by and I also wonder why .
As no one else there to do it for us
But would’ we stand back and let them ?
The rest of time the life we should have had with out this dredfull thing .
Then I sit and wonder what next. And can I carry on then tomorrow just another day xx
As no one else there to do it for us
But would’ we stand back and let them ?
The rest of time the life we should have had with out this dredfull thing .
Then I sit and wonder what next. And can I carry on then tomorrow just another day xx
I do feel for you, but believe you me you are doing a fantastic job coping. Try and make time for yourself. Summer will be here soon and things tend to look a little better then. My partner has mixed dementia.The way I look at it is I am glad it is not me. Sometimes I get a bit down too, especially when the same sentence is said 4 or 5 times in about 15 minutes. I am always looking for items he has moved to somewhere also. I sometimes wonder if he knows who I am.
I too do it for love.
I just think that it could have been me, rather than my wife, and carry on each day as best I can.
I educate myself in relation to how the future may pan out so that I'm not taken by surprise when each bit of the progression happens but don't fret about what may never happen.
I find it an emotional roller coaster and physically hard but, to be honest, I've rarely found life to be a breeze so I take it as it comes.
At the end of the day we all have our limits so I don't know how long love will be enough to see me through. One day the answer to that may come and I hope I'm wise enough to see it if it does.
I just think that it could have been me, rather than my wife, and carry on each day as best I can.
I educate myself in relation to how the future may pan out so that I'm not taken by surprise when each bit of the progression happens but don't fret about what may never happen.
I find it an emotional roller coaster and physically hard but, to be honest, I've rarely found life to be a breeze so I take it as it comes.
At the end of the day we all have our limits so I don't know how long love will be enough to see me through. One day the answer to that may come and I hope I'm wise enough to see it if it does.
His anger and frustration gets scary sometimes and I get so frustrated and yes angry and think that I can no longer do this ... but after about an hour when I’ve calmed and reasoned with myself I think it’s not so bad I can deal with this...until the next time and we begin the same scenario.
I agree with your thought about limits @karaokePete and hope my love of more than 58 years will see me through.
((((((Hugs)) )))))) A x
I do it for love too but if I'd asked my OH prior to dementia what he'd want me to do in this situation, I'm sure he'd tell me to live my life and not to sacrifice it to his. Whether he'd say that now, I don't know, he can barely speak let alone reason. I've convince myself that by being here I make his life better but I honestly don't know if I do, sometimes I just think that I irritate him & make things worse. If only I knew...... I just wish i could step outside the dementia bubble for a short while to remind myself of who I am and what's out there.
To be brutally honest, I do it because I would be poor if I didn't.
In the years before my husband's diagnosis, his behaviour was showing signs of what I now know was Alzheimer's and the personal struggles destroyed our relationship. In the middle of all this, he had a cardiac arrest and took months to recover. At one stage, prior to his cardiac arrest and his AD diagnosis, we seriously discussed separation but it didn't make financial sense so we stayed.
But I do have a strong sense of responsibility and acknowledge that it is my duty to care for him while I am able.
I also wish that things could be different for both of us. We were both very happy globetrotting and had spent years living and working in other countries. That all came crashing to a soul destroying end but while he is perfectly happy going off to his bridge club a few times a week, I feel trapped and am very aware that time for me to take off somewhere interesting is starting to run out. I resent that my travelling days are probably over because of his illness and this is aggravated by the fact that he has no appreciation for any of it.
I used to be one of those people who would decide that I wanted to go to Europe so would find a fare and be off in a week. How I loved that freedom!
In the years before my husband's diagnosis, his behaviour was showing signs of what I now know was Alzheimer's and the personal struggles destroyed our relationship. In the middle of all this, he had a cardiac arrest and took months to recover. At one stage, prior to his cardiac arrest and his AD diagnosis, we seriously discussed separation but it didn't make financial sense so we stayed.
But I do have a strong sense of responsibility and acknowledge that it is my duty to care for him while I am able.
I also wish that things could be different for both of us. We were both very happy globetrotting and had spent years living and working in other countries. That all came crashing to a soul destroying end but while he is perfectly happy going off to his bridge club a few times a week, I feel trapped and am very aware that time for me to take off somewhere interesting is starting to run out. I resent that my travelling days are probably over because of his illness and this is aggravated by the fact that he has no appreciation for any of it.
I used to be one of those people who would decide that I wanted to go to Europe so would find a fare and be off in a week. How I loved that freedom!
We do it because we love, there is no real alternate for many. Joseph Campbell suggests we sacrifice for the marriage, the whole package not just this part of it.
I had a good couple of days, feeling everything was manageable even though I am unwell. Now I am not so sure, I have been woken abruptly with crashes and bangs, my heart is racing and will not settle back. Can I really go on, I wonder. Yet ...................
I had a good couple of days, feeling everything was manageable even though I am unwell. Now I am not so sure, I have been woken abruptly with crashes and bangs, my heart is racing and will not settle back. Can I really go on, I wonder. Yet ...................
@Littlebear I too feel trapped some days .once in a while my OH gets taken out for a meal with a work colleagues. But I feel like a hamster on that little wheel running and running but still seeing the same 4 walls
Oh @lilypat I also used to despair at the repeated questions & comments and wonder if mum knew me. Now, mum speaks little and rarely shows any glimmer or recognition. Occasionally I get a hug and, if I give her a kiss, I might get one back. My heart breaks as I see her slipping further away. Mostly I miss chatting to her about everything. I miss our theatre trips,our meals out, our girlie weekends. I have lost my one real confidant. The one person who truly would never judge me.
I do it because it needs to be done. Who else is going to give the kind of care I do - the kind of care most of us give? I am not a natural nurse but I am a worker who gives value. If someone else was willing to do it I would step back but I shield my daughters from much of what occurs. They work full time and have young teenage children. Why ruin their lives?
Some days I want to run a mile and others I'm more philosophical. This is one of the latter. Maybe there is a lunar effect!
Some days I want to run a mile and others I'm more philosophical. This is one of the latter. Maybe there is a lunar effect!
@Lawson58 , are you sure we aren't twin sisters separated from birth?
Your words might have been written by me ( the only difference , my English is not so good as yours).
I care for OH both out of economic considerations and sense of duty ( or responsibility, as you say).
If I ever loved him, I no longer do. But that is a long story none of you is likely to be interested in.
We have been together for 18 years , married for ten years, and OH was diagnosed with Alzheimer's three years ago.
I have always loved travelling all over the world, both on my own and with OH.
Now I am under house arrest, which makes me exasperated and unhappy.
I wonder which is better ( or " less worse") , loving the person we have care for or being more detached ?
Your words might have been written by me ( the only difference , my English is not so good as yours).
I care for OH both out of economic considerations and sense of duty ( or responsibility, as you say).
If I ever loved him, I no longer do. But that is a long story none of you is likely to be interested in.
We have been together for 18 years , married for ten years, and OH was diagnosed with Alzheimer's three years ago.
I have always loved travelling all over the world, both on my own and with OH.
Now I am under house arrest, which makes me exasperated and unhappy.
I wonder which is better ( or " less worse") , loving the person we have care for or being more detached ?
Oh, Margherita, I think that's something that I am not sure I want to know.
It must be very painful to care for someone that you love and then the reasons for caring are very different than for us. Things are always different when you do something because you want to, not because you have to.
People have said to me that it was a choice I made and yes it was. A choice between looking after my husband for years or being old and poor. Some choice! Then they say that there is choice about how we respond to the situation we are in. Hmmmmm! You can tell they haven't had to do what we do.
I met my husband 16 years ago and we have been married for 15. He was diagnosed with AD five years ago after three difficult years before that. Caring for someone out of duty and not love just has to be a different sort of hell. Our investment in the situation has a quality all its very own and I wouldn't wish what I feel every day on anyone else.
Travel was the big thing we had in common and with his illnesses, that all changed. He couldn't travel and didn't want to and I was the complete reverse. After all this time I still don't know how to cope with the inner frustrations that a part of my daily life.
My husband is going to 80 years old in November and it sometimes takes me (and our GP) by surprise that he is still upright and breathing despite all his health issues. We just have to keep on plugging away and hope that time is kind to us.
Thank you, I am trying to monitor my BP. I have to take charts in next week. Today was my morning respite, so I did a bit more of the Understanding Dementia course. I feel this site give us so much knowledge. Xxx
It must be so hard for you, our travel is by arm chair now, our memories go back a lifetime and that does oil the way a bit. Xxx
I tend to agree, I am a better care than mine would have been. I always thought this is the best way around.
