Explaining death of a partner to someone with dementia

woodbank

Registered User
Mar 27, 2019
10
0
My mum and dad had been married for 65 years - he passed away unexpectedly in his sleep a week ago. Mum has dementia and no short term memory. I had to sit her down to tell her dad had died. She thought he was asleep but when the carers came at lunch time they realised he had passed away. He had not been ill. So she asks where he is and suffers the shock repeatedly of learning the sad news. Now the flat is full of sympathy cards and flowers so she knows something is wrong. Does anyone have any advice for us regarding how we ensure she doesn't experience so much distress having to repeatedly be told he has died? I have written down all the questions she asks (on a constant loop) onto a notebook along with all the answers and she sits reading it. It seems to be helping but we don't know if she will ever be able to remember he has died. Has anyone ideas on how to help her come to understand what has happened.?
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,179
0
London
Please remove the cards and flowers and do NOT repeatedly tell her he has died. Find any excuse going but please don't distress her with the truth.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
If each time you tell her it comes as a shock and she is upset then she will not be able to remember that he has died.
People without dementia grieve, but then come to terms with it, but once dementia has reached a certain level they just forget. As your mum has reached this level it is cruel to keep reminding her as each time you tell her is like the first time she has heard the news. You will not be able to get her to understand what has happened in a way that she can retain.

It is difficult for you (who are in the midst of intense grief) to do this, but the only way to deal with it is to come up with some excuse - he is out shopping, or he is visiting a friend - and say this every time she asks. Eventually she will stop asking.
Remove the flowers and cards so that there is no visual reminder - perhaps they could go in your home - and she will become less agitated.
 

Helly11

Registered User
Apr 24, 2017
49
0
Derby
woodbank, firstly, sincerest condolences on the loss of your dad. My own dad, who had dementia, died last October and Mum, who also has dementia, has not been able to retain this information. She occasionally makes comments to the carers that indicate she thinks he has died, but we can't be sure how long she retains this thought. She certainly makes more comments that indicate she thinks he is still alive. On Monday this week I visited and she said 'I hope G is OK, wherever he is.' - she sometimes refers to 'his other family' (possibly the residents of his former care home - we don't know). All I could do was say 'I'm sure he is.' Sometimes she says something about him that is so out of the blue that I end up telling an out and out lie, as it is the first thing that comes into my head - if I am driving us somewhere or concentrating on some other task, I'm not always able to come up with something vague and non-committal! I agree with other posters, there is no point in telling your mum again, it will only distress her. Incidentally, i got post redirected to me, shortly after Dad died, to divert condolence cards etc - my sister and I have POA. When I started winding up his affairs, there was also a risk of Mum seeing correspondence that referred to his death - a lot of organisations are hopeless in that they send letters to the wrong person/address (only last week Barclaycard finally confirmed Dad's card was cancelled with no balance owing - after three calls to them - but the letter was addressed to him, at Mum's address, in spite of me giving them my address and being reassured the bereavement team would be in touch!). All the best to you at this difficult time - dealing with this kind of situation seems to be just another way dementia has found to torture us!
 

Blodski

Registered User
Sep 3, 2017
46
0
Conwy
My father died in October, and my mother has forgotten he has died. When she asks where he is, we just say he's coming later, or he's doing the garden and she seems perfectly accepting of all our explanations. At no point do we ever remind her that he is dead. She lives in blissful ignorance and it's better that way.