Hi everyone
I am new to the forum and this is my first post. I realise that I am incredibly lucky as my parents are 88 and 90 and until this time last year had a good quality of life within the limitations of their ages and mobility. Mum had bowel surgery last June and now has a permanent stoma bag. They couldn’t take out the cancer as she wouldn’t have survived the surgery so she lives with it. She has coped amazingly well to be honest but she is now deteriorating and we think probably the cancer has spread. She doesn’t want any treatment therefore there have been no more scans. She still lives in a supported accommodation flat and my brother and I support her as well as we can by taking her out, doing shopping etc. She is very with it mentally and still does crosswords, reads and plays bingo! ( something she discovered after dad went into care). Dad has ways been quite easily confused and last year started being in and out of hospital with UTIs which we blamed the confusion on. One time he spent the whole stay thinking he was in the bus station with waiting for a taxi! He was incontinent but had struggled for years with getting to the loo. Mum continued looking after him at home and he looked after her too but we now realise that it was mainly her doing the caring. In August he was 90 and we had a party for him but very soon after that he got much worse and mum couldn’t cope with being up in the night and dealing with his pads etc and his temper ( he has always had a temper and thought the world was against him). While my brother was on a weeks holiday I had to put dad into respite care for mum’s sanity. He never came home again. I always found this difficult to deal with as his admittance was not a decision that we were able to discuss it just happened. He is now in a care home near to mum but visiting him is really stressful as we never know what we are going to find. I don’t think they look after him terribly well but he is fed and safe, but that’s hard to come to terms with. He is very confused but does still have lucid days and has been calmer since being out on Memantin. As a family we struggled to deal with the speed of dad’s decline but I think we were burying our head for a long while and mum was carrying him. We know the home was the correct decision as we had to think of mum. She is not ready to go into a care home and would hate it so sharing isn’t an option.
Today is their 67th wedding anniversary. We struggled long and hard as to how to handle it and my brother and I are taking them out for afternoon tea but not telling dad the reason for the event. I just feel very sad for mum that she has lost dad but can’t grieve for him as he is still here. One of the reasons for not telling him is that he thinks another woman in the care home is mum but also from time to time he gets upset because he thinks they are divorced. I don’t suppose I want advice, just needed to share my feelings. It’s such a difficult thing to come to terms with and ever time I see dad I get sad as he looks so lost. Having said that he happily goes back into the care home and never mentions the flat where mum and he used to live. I also have a daughter with ongoing mental health issues which are not quite as severe as a couple of years ago but nevertheless are always a worry and always will be.
Not asking for sympathy as I think there are a lot of people here with similar situations. Just wanted to enter the forum. It’s helpful to read about other people’s experiences and know we are not alone.
I am new to the forum and this is my first post. I realise that I am incredibly lucky as my parents are 88 and 90 and until this time last year had a good quality of life within the limitations of their ages and mobility. Mum had bowel surgery last June and now has a permanent stoma bag. They couldn’t take out the cancer as she wouldn’t have survived the surgery so she lives with it. She has coped amazingly well to be honest but she is now deteriorating and we think probably the cancer has spread. She doesn’t want any treatment therefore there have been no more scans. She still lives in a supported accommodation flat and my brother and I support her as well as we can by taking her out, doing shopping etc. She is very with it mentally and still does crosswords, reads and plays bingo! ( something she discovered after dad went into care). Dad has ways been quite easily confused and last year started being in and out of hospital with UTIs which we blamed the confusion on. One time he spent the whole stay thinking he was in the bus station with waiting for a taxi! He was incontinent but had struggled for years with getting to the loo. Mum continued looking after him at home and he looked after her too but we now realise that it was mainly her doing the caring. In August he was 90 and we had a party for him but very soon after that he got much worse and mum couldn’t cope with being up in the night and dealing with his pads etc and his temper ( he has always had a temper and thought the world was against him). While my brother was on a weeks holiday I had to put dad into respite care for mum’s sanity. He never came home again. I always found this difficult to deal with as his admittance was not a decision that we were able to discuss it just happened. He is now in a care home near to mum but visiting him is really stressful as we never know what we are going to find. I don’t think they look after him terribly well but he is fed and safe, but that’s hard to come to terms with. He is very confused but does still have lucid days and has been calmer since being out on Memantin. As a family we struggled to deal with the speed of dad’s decline but I think we were burying our head for a long while and mum was carrying him. We know the home was the correct decision as we had to think of mum. She is not ready to go into a care home and would hate it so sharing isn’t an option.
Today is their 67th wedding anniversary. We struggled long and hard as to how to handle it and my brother and I are taking them out for afternoon tea but not telling dad the reason for the event. I just feel very sad for mum that she has lost dad but can’t grieve for him as he is still here. One of the reasons for not telling him is that he thinks another woman in the care home is mum but also from time to time he gets upset because he thinks they are divorced. I don’t suppose I want advice, just needed to share my feelings. It’s such a difficult thing to come to terms with and ever time I see dad I get sad as he looks so lost. Having said that he happily goes back into the care home and never mentions the flat where mum and he used to live. I also have a daughter with ongoing mental health issues which are not quite as severe as a couple of years ago but nevertheless are always a worry and always will be.
Not asking for sympathy as I think there are a lot of people here with similar situations. Just wanted to enter the forum. It’s helpful to read about other people’s experiences and know we are not alone.
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