“I don’t need help. My friends are delighted to sort out problems”

[starryuk]

How do I get carers in? My auntie doesn’t want them. Can I insist?

My auntie lives in a small village, where she is supported by neighbourhood friends, who pop in for chats, take her to appointments, sort out minor problems etc. She is a chatty and smiley sort of lady.

However, I know that she is forgetting her meds, forgetting to eat, not washing regularly etc. She explains to everyone her routine (which she has kept to for years) and people accept it. But she has forgotten that in truth she is doing none of it. She has little short term memory, thinks her brother is still alive, that my mother is her mother etc. On the other hand, she knows exactly where every pot and pan in the kitchen is kept, where she keeps different keys and still remembers the pin no for her bank card.

The neighbours are finding that her constant requests and demands are becoming difficult and want me to do something but auntie is telling me with great authority that her friends are delighted to help her!
I understand that a care agency would need her to agree and sign a contract if she still has some capacity, so not sure what I can do (from 100 miles away) Any ideas appreciated.

 

[Grannie G]

This is the sadness of the system @starryuk for people who live lone at a distance from their family. It almost seems as if nothing can be done until there is a crisis.

Before making contact with a care agency, I would contact Social Services and AgeUK for their advice. Your aunt is vulnerable and at risk and is dependent on neighbours and friends for help. It is not fair for them to accept responsibility without some back up .

I had a neighbour who had no family and needed support. He was over 90 too. His solicitor was his Power of Attorney and someone I contacted when there was any cause for concern. It was the solicitor who organised carers who liaised with me and it was the solicitor who eventually organised care home provision when the carers and I began to feel he was at risk.

If your aunt has a solicitor, that may be the next person to approach.

 

[Sirena]

You haven't mentioned that you have power of attorney, so I am guessing you don't? In which case, as long as she is considered to have the capacity to make her own decisions, there is nothing you can do. You could ask Social Services to do a needs assessment, but she would have to agree to having the assessment, and agree to accepting help, and it sounds like that is unlikely. So much as I understand the requests from her friends, there is little you can do.

I had the same issue with my mother, I lived a long distance away too and she depended on friends and neighbours - which she thought was fine, and they didn't! Fortunately she had set up LPA for me, and she was self-funding, so I was able to take over her finances and arrange for carers without her input.

 

[Witzend]

We had a similar situation with an old aunt of dh's. No dementia, just very stubborn, not to mention very tight with money - didn't want to pay for carers, though she could well afford to. She sent away any that dh arranged for her. She preferred to rely on neighbours, many of whom were themselves elderly/frail or both and simply couldn't cope - the poor things would be on the phone telling me that it was just too much.. We lived a 2 hour drive away so,popping in was never an option when she needed help several times a day..

It was a long and fraught process for us, eventually getting her the help she badly needed, which by then was 24/7 care in a care home.

Knowing what I know now (many years later) I should have told the neighbours to step back - it would have speeded up the whole business of convincing her.
It might be a good idea for the neighbours to phone social services themselves, to say that they have an elderly and vulnerable neighbour who is unable to manage, so is at risk, and is refusing carers. Even if you have also told them this, it should help to get SS moving.

Of course, if someone is still deemed to have capacity, nobody can force carers on them. Sometimes, sadly, you just have to wait for some sort of crisis to occur.

But in your shoes, I think I'd tell the neighbours that since you are unable to convince the aunt that she needs paid help, and should not be relying so much on neighbours, they must not feel bad about stepping back and being 'unavailable'. Though often this is easier said than done, I know, especially when someone's repeatedly banging on the door at unsocial hours.
People can be very kind, and from experience with my FiL, neighbours will often do and put up with a great deal before making any sort of complaint.

 

[starryuk]

Thank you everyone for your input. It is reassuring, in a way, to know that there is little that I could be doing, that I'm not, frustrating though it is.

I have asked the neighbours to back off a bit, but the trouble is that they have been auntie's friends for many years and find it difficult to do that. She and her husband were once very active senior members of the village and as such she has earned a lot of respect and loyalty. ( It's a bit like Ambridge there!)

I do have power of attorney (for finance) jointly/severally with one of her friends, who pays my aunt's bills etc and although we liaise, at the moment, I haven't had to take it over. We will, if/when auntie agrees or loses all capacity, be able to organise care. At the moment, though, she would chase them off with her walking stick if we tried!

As you suggest, I will try Age Uk for some advice. but probably just have to sit back and wait for the crisis.