I had a call yesterday from my mum's care home to say that she had been locked in her room (from the inside) with a male resident and they were both naked! I wasn't able to go into details much at the time because I was in hospital with my dad, who was just being prepped for theatre, so I've asked for a meeting with mum's care home to discuss.
Since mum went into the care home (different care home to dad, who also has dementia), she has often thought a couple of the gents there were her husband (bald and old seem to be the criteria, which makes sense!). She is always kissing them, and making sure they're ok, as she always did with my dad (though less kissing then as he was always quite grumpy). One resident in particular thinks that mum is his wife. When she moved in he thought another resident was his wife, but he has now moved on to mum. He is very sweet and always telling her how much he loves her and likes to reminisce about their life together. I thought it was rather sweet, as mum had never had that sort of attention from dad. However, a couple of weeks ago it started upsetting mum, and the staff said they were trying to keep them away from each other a bit as mum had been hiding behind staff members saying that he was annoying her (though when I visited last Thursday, they were lunching together without staff doing anything about it). Mum said last Thursday that she didn't like to get out of bed at night 'so as not to disturb the other person in the bed', which rang alarm bells in my head, but she does live in a delusional world, so I didn't mention it to the staff. After the phone call yesterday, I am a bit more worried. Mum and the chap are 84 and 88 respectively, so I'm not worried about a teenage pregnancy (!), but I do feel that in mum's mental state, she is not 'competent' to agree to any sexual activity and, whilst I'm sure the gent isn't intentionally being abusive in any way, I do not think this sort of thing should be allowed to go on in a dementia care unit. It may not have been in the middle of the night, as mum retires quite early, so even if I insist a member of staff be stationed outside her room at night I'm not sure that would help.
Do any of you have any thoughts? I don't want to start a big old fuss, as mum is generally happy in this home and it is a good environment for her for the most part, but I do worry that she doesn't really understand that what is going on is wrong. She's only ever been with my dad, they've been married 60 years and dad is still alive, but we had to put them into separate homes because their relationship (dad loud and shouty and mum vague and incoherent) was upsetting mum and the other residents when they were together.
Any advice or sensible suggestions as to how I should handle this with mum's home would be appreciated.
Since mum went into the care home (different care home to dad, who also has dementia), she has often thought a couple of the gents there were her husband (bald and old seem to be the criteria, which makes sense!). She is always kissing them, and making sure they're ok, as she always did with my dad (though less kissing then as he was always quite grumpy). One resident in particular thinks that mum is his wife. When she moved in he thought another resident was his wife, but he has now moved on to mum. He is very sweet and always telling her how much he loves her and likes to reminisce about their life together. I thought it was rather sweet, as mum had never had that sort of attention from dad. However, a couple of weeks ago it started upsetting mum, and the staff said they were trying to keep them away from each other a bit as mum had been hiding behind staff members saying that he was annoying her (though when I visited last Thursday, they were lunching together without staff doing anything about it). Mum said last Thursday that she didn't like to get out of bed at night 'so as not to disturb the other person in the bed', which rang alarm bells in my head, but she does live in a delusional world, so I didn't mention it to the staff. After the phone call yesterday, I am a bit more worried. Mum and the chap are 84 and 88 respectively, so I'm not worried about a teenage pregnancy (!), but I do feel that in mum's mental state, she is not 'competent' to agree to any sexual activity and, whilst I'm sure the gent isn't intentionally being abusive in any way, I do not think this sort of thing should be allowed to go on in a dementia care unit. It may not have been in the middle of the night, as mum retires quite early, so even if I insist a member of staff be stationed outside her room at night I'm not sure that would help.
Do any of you have any thoughts? I don't want to start a big old fuss, as mum is generally happy in this home and it is a good environment for her for the most part, but I do worry that she doesn't really understand that what is going on is wrong. She's only ever been with my dad, they've been married 60 years and dad is still alive, but we had to put them into separate homes because their relationship (dad loud and shouty and mum vague and incoherent) was upsetting mum and the other residents when they were together.
Any advice or sensible suggestions as to how I should handle this with mum's home would be appreciated.
