Visiting

yak55

Registered User
Jun 15, 2015
616
0
I’ve been thinking, and wondered what others thought.
A short visit each day or less frequent long visits?
I know of family that do both of the above, what do you think?
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
1,137
0
I’ve been thinking, and wondered what others thought.
A short visit each day or less frequent long visits?
I know of family that do both of the above, what do you think?

We visit every day for about an hour - mum has been in a home since September '18. She doesn't remember that we have been, she is convinced that we never visit. I found that when we stayed longer it was harder to leave
 

yak55

Registered User
Jun 15, 2015
616
0
We visit every day for about an hour - mum has been in a home since September '18. She doesn't remember that we have been, she is convinced that we never visit. I found that when we stayed longer it was harder to leave
Same here Jale, Mum forgets we’ve been to see her too. I know she is happy when I’m with her. She went into a care home on the 29 June 2018.
 

Toony Oony

Registered User
Jun 21, 2016
576
0
I visit every other day - usually for around 1.5 - 2 hours. Mum hasn't remembered my visits for well over 4 years now - long before she went into her CH over 18 months ago.
I have found that as Mum's dementia has become more advanced, she tires more quickly.
My aim is quality rather than quantity, I try to make sure that we do something each visit, whether it be a hand massage, a cuppa and a cake, sitting looking at pictures with my arm around her, etc...... I also gauge the length of visit with how Mum is doing - I sometimes leave a little earlier than planned if she is sleepy.
I also swapped my visits from afternoon to morning. She often got very sad and frightened when I was leaving late afternoon - I think it was a type of sundowning. Generally, Mum is more 'with it' in the morning and enjoys the visit more.
 

65Maisie

Registered User
Mar 14, 2019
10
0
W
Same here Jale, Mum forgets we’ve been to see her too. I know she is happy when I’m with her. She went into a care home on the 29 June 2018.
hen I visit my mum sometime she only wants to sleep. I take her things to look at like plants. If I’m talking about one of her grandchildren I show her the photos of them on my phone so she knows for a moment who I’m talking about.
Leaving is the horrible part as she always wants to come with me. I feel guilty if I don’t go to see her. Guilty for leaving her in the care home. Most times I just sit in my car and cry.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
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My mother has been in a care home for a year and she isn't up to longer visits, I never stay more than an hour. I only visit once a fortnight though, we don't have the kind of relationship where she would depend on my visits, she lived a long distance away from me so we rarely saw each other. And frequency of visits makes no difference to her - I once left her in the lounge to put something in her room and when I returned five minutes later she greeted me like she hadn't seen me for weeks.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
5,258
0
High Peak
@Sirena oh, that's exactly where I am with my mum. After 2 years of twice weekly visits I've cut it down to once a week and find even that really hard. But I know she'd love for me to go every day and stay all day as she doesn't socialise with anyone in the home (apart from frequent staff bothering.)
Like you, I was never close to my mother - I've seen far more of her in the last 3 years than in the previous 40. And I've done more for her in that time than she did for me in the last 50 years. But hey ho - it is what it is and I do what I can. But I can't pretend she's my 'lovely old mum' because she was never that.
:(
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
@Sirena oh, that's exactly where I am with my mum. After 2 years of twice weekly visits I've cut it down to once a week and find even that really hard. But I know she'd love for me to go every day and stay all day as she doesn't socialise with anyone in the home (apart from frequent staff bothering.)
Like you, I was never close to my mother - I've seen far more of her in the last 3 years than in the previous 40. And I've done more for her in that time than she did for me in the last 50 years. But hey ho - it is what it is and I do what I can. But I can't pretend she's my 'lovely old mum' because she was never that.
:(

Yes same here - my mother never did anything for me either, even as a child I was treated more like a lodger. So I am prepared to make sure she gets good care but I am not prepared to pretend she's my lovely old mum. Funnily enough the staff all think she's lovely and tell me she's so warm and funny. I just nod and grit my teeth. Visits are just about checking she's okay, which she is, they take brilliant care of her. She's quite sociable so she enjoys being surrounded by people and she doesn't need anything from me really.
 

elvismad

Registered User
Jan 8, 2012
289
0
I visit my mum once a week as she is over 100 miles away. Mum moved into her care home on 4th January 2019. I stay for a few hours (its a 6 hour round trip). Mum has deteriorated so much over recent months that she rarely knows me, has virtually no conversation and my visits are mainly to see she has everything she needs and that she is being well looked after (she is). I bring treats on each visit and try to engage with mum and the staff but all mum wants to do is wander around the corridors never sitting still for longer than a few moments. I sit with her through lunch and assist her with her food. The staff all think she is lovely. I come away bereft and often have a good cry.
 

Elle3

Registered User
Jun 30, 2016
705
0
The hardest thing for me visiting my dad was that he could no longer communicate well or understand what I was saying, I found it more difficult when I was on my own and easier if I took someone else with me. I usually stayed around a hour and visited every other day, dad didn't know either way if I visited or not and he just accepted that I was there or not there without question, for dad it was as though I had just walked in the room, then out of it and then back in again most times, I think the visiting was more for my benefit than his sometimes.

Dad also slept a lot whilst I was there, I was once given the advice that if they have just gone to sleep and stay in a deep sleep there is no point staying watching them sleep, leave and don't feel guilty. Sometimes I did go back later though!
 

cas123

New member
Jun 28, 2018
3
0
I don’t think there is any right or wrong in visiting . I go most days and my mum always love my visits . It’s hard as when I am there she tells me all sorts of weird and wonderful stories which I treasure and then when I leave I don’t feel guilty anymore as she is so well cared for . If I miss a day I don’t think mum remembers anyway . What I do know is the care home was a huge sadness when mum went in and now it’s gettrng easier for her and I albeit she tells me every day she is going home
 

SoAlone

Registered User
May 19, 2016
142
0
Devon
OH has been in his Care Home since Aug 2018. I go 4 times a week, but on 2 of these days I am visiting in the middle of a split shift, which work have allowed to facilitate the visits. Sometimes he is very sleepy and visiting seems pointless, but I feel I keep a handle on his health that way. However I must say I am finding it very tiring so tend to make it a pop in (½ to ¾ hr) on 2 weekday visits and longer a couple of hours at weekends. I still love him to bits and on some occasions he is so like his old self except he makes little sense and has little insight to where he is now.
CH Manager said visiting was a personal thing when I asked about frequency, and staff do not judge family by number of visits as each family is different. He also said that that if I did cut down frequency and they thought this was having an adverse effect on OH they would advise me, but he didn't think it likely. Really there isn't an answer that fits all, but this is my experience of dementia in general so far. Take care
 

papilion

New member
Sep 26, 2018
7
0
Im the only one who visits my mum out of the family I spend hrs cooking cleaning washing ect , she moved to sheltered accomidation less then a year ago, a big change to her she was well at the time of moving ,but her vascular dematia has got worse and continues to do , from been very depressed to accusing me of everything ,taking sissors tea towels ect ,very reluctant to except the carers calls to promt with eating .I have grieved all year , I wondered if there was any medication to help with her mood although she has always been agaist taking tablets . I visit on my days off and have her over too stay at least once a week,
 

Snoopydog

New member
Sep 26, 2017
2
0
W

hen I visit my mum sometime she only wants to sleep. I take her things to look at like plants. If I’m talking about one of her grandchildren I show her the photos of them on my phone so she knows for a moment who I’m talking about.
Leaving is the horrible part as she always wants to come with me. I feel guilty if I don’t go to see her. Guilty for leaving her in the care home. Most times I just sit in my car and cry.
Hi please do not feel guilty. I coped with my Mum by slipping away when she fell asleep or by saying I was going to make a cuppa but left instead. She forgot I was there and so still stayed happy. It’s about making the person happy so they had enjoyed their day. My Husband went into a Home in September and I do the same thing. Hope this helps
 

Nurse Snafu

New member
Dec 27, 2017
5
0
South East
W

hen I visit my mum sometime she only wants to sleep. I take her things to look at like plants. If I’m talking about one of her grandchildren I show her the photos of them on my phone so she knows for a moment who I’m talking about.
Leaving is the horrible part as she always wants to come with me. I feel guilty if I don’t go to see her. Guilty for leaving her in the care home. Most times I just sit in my car and cry.
Maisie you're doing a great job by visiting - please dont feel guilty. My dad is still at home and even I sit in the car and cry when I leave, have done for a couple of years now. Its a tough time and there's lots of us going through it. Sending a large virtual hug.
 

Lucianne

Registered User
Jun 30, 2017
58
0
My OH is going into full-time care on Monday in a home where he has had three respite stays. I didn't visit at all then but obviously will when it is permanent and I don't know how often. I am anticipating the first visit will be tricky as he will probably assume I have arrived to take him home but once we get over that hurdle I imagine I will only make short visits as conversation is very difficult. He hears words but doesn't understand them. But we will see. I'm looking forward to unbroken sleep!!
 

Angel62

Registered User
Apr 8, 2013
25
0
Wolverhampton
Firstly you are all so lovely and caring putting your loved ones first. In my experience with my mum, now passed away, and my husband in nursing care since August 18 I think you have to also give recognition to how YOU feel. It can be emotionally and physically draining to visit daily but also guilt ridden when you don't. As long as you are satisfied that your loved one is well cared for I don't believe there is a hard and fast rule about this. Your dear one can react differently every time.
 

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