How do you not ask questions? My OH diagnosed with FTD last year but, with hindsight, has been suffering much longer, after an accident 12 years ago resulting in brain injury, gets so angry when I ask a question. He is in a CH and I visit every other day. As per usual, we don't do anything much as he doesn't want to. When he was at home all he wanted to do was to go the pub. He didn't want to talk to anyone so we went when no one else was there. Now we watch TV during my visits. Whenever I try to engage in a conversation such as during the recent England Scotland rugby match, I asked a question about rugby, which he played back in his youth, ( he's 72) he got cross and just replied " why do you keep asking me questions. I don't know" . This happens every time I try to start a conversation. It becomes very hard to just sit there not saying anything. Also I sometimes wonder if he has selective memory loss and simply does not want to remember. I feel as though I have to watch everything I say. I'd love to be able to tell him how much I miss him, but that wouldn't help as he'd be even more upset at not being at home. It's so hard not being able to share anything about home as he simply doesn't accept that he can't, and I can't, cope with him being here. This dementia journey gets bumpier everyday!!!! Thank goodness for friends, family and TP
Don't Ask Questions !
- Thread starter Ernest
- Start date
Hi @Ernest ,
sometimes people who deeply love and understand each other do not need words or conversations.
There is a silence of indifference , but also a silence of deep mutual understanding.
The latter is yours.
Your partner might feel your silent presence is all he needs or wants.
I would suggest you let him decide whether he feels like talking or doesn't.
He might find it embarrassing not to be able to answer your question , so I suppose his is not rudeness, but awkwardness.
Verbal communication is not always required and sometimes it is not the best one. Small gestures, a smile, a look can be as or more meaningful.
sometimes people who deeply love and understand each other do not need words or conversations.
There is a silence of indifference , but also a silence of deep mutual understanding.
The latter is yours.
Your partner might feel your silent presence is all he needs or wants.
I would suggest you let him decide whether he feels like talking or doesn't.
He might find it embarrassing not to be able to answer your question , so I suppose his is not rudeness, but awkwardness.
Verbal communication is not always required and sometimes it is not the best one. Small gestures, a smile, a look can be as or more meaningful.
Those are good pieces of advice but I would also suggest that you look to what you are doing with your free time. Are you finding things of interest away from your visits? You will hurt less if you have a better quality of life without him. I don't mean that in a bad way but as a means of distancing yourself from the emotional upset of these incidents.
Look at what is going on in your area online to find out places and events of interest, find out about classes or clubs. I notice eg a number of mature people in the foyer of our local hospital who act as greeters and helpers with directions.
If this all sounds like a cheek then totally ignore me but you need to find a way to stop hurting.
Look at what is going on in your area online to find out places and events of interest, find out about classes or clubs. I notice eg a number of mature people in the foyer of our local hospital who act as greeters and helpers with directions.
If this all sounds like a cheek then totally ignore me but you need to find a way to stop hurting.
Hello @Ernest
Your OH is in residential care, I presume because of the decline in his condition. In many people with dementia this includes reduced social skills which include loss of interest in others and lost communication skills.
It isn`t easy carrying on a one sided conversation.
I used to take my husband some food he identified with me and didn`t get in the home. It could be a special sandwich for his tea eg salmon and cucumber, or a lovely piece of fruit, knowing how much he would like it.
There are ways around making visits more bearable if you can find some relating specifically to you and your OH.
Also as marionq suggested, if you try to start to find some interests for your spare time it might give you some distractions. it will never be easy.
Meanwhile keep posting here. There are many of us who will be able to identify with you.
Your OH is in residential care, I presume because of the decline in his condition. In many people with dementia this includes reduced social skills which include loss of interest in others and lost communication skills.
It isn`t easy carrying on a one sided conversation.
I used to take my husband some food he identified with me and didn`t get in the home. It could be a special sandwich for his tea eg salmon and cucumber, or a lovely piece of fruit, knowing how much he would like it.
There are ways around making visits more bearable if you can find some relating specifically to you and your OH.
Also as marionq suggested, if you try to start to find some interests for your spare time it might give you some distractions. it will never be easy.
Meanwhile keep posting here. There are many of us who will be able to identify with you.
I also find that my husband doesn’t like questions. He doesn’t know the answer more than likely and so doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t react the same as yours but I try not to ask him anything much now. Yesterday I asked him if he wanted to go and see our son and family, which would have been an inconceivable question before. At first he said yes, then sat there head in hands and said he wanted to go to bed instead which he did. I shouldn’t have asked him just told him that we were going. I know your husband is in a care home but I think the principle is the same, he doesn’t know what to say and in his case gets upset
A one-sided conversation is hard. I find my Mum likes food snacks, and it gives us both something to do.
This may sound wrong, but I also take sewing - usually embroidery but sometimes the inevitable name tapes, with me so that it isn't just me and her wondering (sometimes) what to say to each other.
If you think about it, at home you often get on with activities whilst talking. Mummy enjoys watching me sew, though she can't do it any more. Doesn't have to be a craft, one afternoon, much to everyone else's amazement, I cleaned and polished her shoes, which she had asked me to do. She liked watching me to it and the familiarity of the activity. The other day we looked at recipes in a magazine whilst I decided what to cook for tea.
I am also aware that the sewing is also a coping mechanism for me.......
This may sound wrong, but I also take sewing - usually embroidery but sometimes the inevitable name tapes, with me so that it isn't just me and her wondering (sometimes) what to say to each other.
If you think about it, at home you often get on with activities whilst talking. Mummy enjoys watching me sew, though she can't do it any more. Doesn't have to be a craft, one afternoon, much to everyone else's amazement, I cleaned and polished her shoes, which she had asked me to do. She liked watching me to it and the familiarity of the activity. The other day we looked at recipes in a magazine whilst I decided what to cook for tea.
I am also aware that the sewing is also a coping mechanism for me.......
Thank you to all the above. It's all a steep learning curve isn't it? I didn't ask any questions today. I'm still working part time so I just use that as a subject sometimes. I shall take him out for lunch on Wednesday but not ask him where he wants to go. I'll just go to the place and see how that goes. Thanks again . Take care everyone xx
