Mum and vascular dementia

[jules29]

My mum has lived with us for 5 years since dad passed away. she is now 90 years of age (91 at the end of March). I do not want to go into it too much but my sister and brother who lived in Suffolk and Cornwall now have the care for Mum. She went down to Suffolk to my sisters whilst we went away and was placed in a nursing home after two weeks. We were not told and only found out from my mums nephew who is in contact with me as he lives near. Therefore I have not contact with my siblings and now not with Mum, I contact the home regularly and the Matron gives me weekly updates. I have been told by her that "The likelihood is that Mum has vascular dementia, which is probably the most common form in someone of mum's age.I have asked if I could maybe say hello on the phone but the Matron does not feel that would be good for Mum as she does not know who people are now and as she is not able to retain anything for short periods of time it could be distressing for her and that is the last thing I want.

I understand she has been placed on Risperidone and wondered if anyone could tell give me any information on the drug or the condition Mum now has. This is extremely upsetting for myself, my other brother and my partner as Mum has been a huge part of our lives having always lived in this area and I have been the carer for both her and Dad for over 30 years.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @jules29 you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

I don't have experience of that med but I know it has been mentioned before so I'm sure others will be along to advise. If not the search facility would probably be a way to seek old threads. To perform a search follow this link then enter your keyword and hit enter
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/search/

I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list which deals with all aspects of dementia and dementia care, including Factsheets giving details of the different types of dementia, medications etc. That list can be found by clicking this link

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list


Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.

 

[jules29]

@karaokePete
Thank you so much for the information and links. It is a very sad and distressing time and support is always greatly appreciated.

 

[El31]

Hello, gosh this must be so hard for you. I think you should be able to phone her, if she can’t retain information for a long time then she will be reassured quickly by carers. She will probably recognise your voice and it may bring her comfort.. I think it’s worth giving her a call xxx

 

[jules29]

Hello @El31

Thank you and yes but I am led by what the Matron of the home says and my brother and sister also took out LPA for health and welfare when Mum went down so I think that may be why the Matron is having to be vague, appalling I know but I know that Mum always knew I and my other brother love her very much. I have read about Risperidone and it is not a drug to be given lightly so maybe Mum is worse than I know and we have no way of really knowing, If she is suffering I just hope my dear Dad comes for her soon, (Dad passed away Christmas 2010 and from then Mum had always said I wish I could join your Dad) it is so upsetting but I appreciate your message thank you. xx

 

[lis66]

How heartbreaking for you and your family is there any way you could maybe go and visit your mother at the home ?xx

 

[jules29]

@lis66

As they have LPA for health and welfare they can say we should not visit and the home would let them know we would be going, do not want any of them turning up as to be perfectly honest my brother, partner and I are so incensed by what they have done not sure if it would be good for anyone especially Mum. Thank you for your message though xx

 

[canary]

@jules29 - Could you perhaps send your mum some picture postcards?
I used to send ones to mum when I wasnt able to visit and mum loved them.
The carers will be able to pick the right time to give them to her when she is less confused and it may trigger some memories. Mum lost the understanding of what a phone was quite early on and I was unable to speak to her on the phone for most of the time she was living in her care home.

 

[jules29]

@canary

Thank you I have sent things down for Mum which meant a lot to her but there does not appear to have been any reaction that we would 'deem as normal' I have been told. Maybe Mum is far worse than we know. x

 

[canary]

People with vascular dementia tend to go down in "steps" and sometimes the deterioration can be very quick.
How long is it since you have seen your mum?

 

[jules29]

@canary

The 24th June 2018. It is a dreadful situation and all I can think is that Mum is not aware of all the trouble and I am grateful for that.

 

[canary]

Thats a long time.
Its a long time for you, but its also a long time in dementialand. A lot can happen in that time.
I think you are probably right that your mum is not aware of what is happening in the family.
From what you have said I think her dementia is probably fairly advanced now.

Are you really not able to build bridges with your siblings for the sake of your mum?

 

[jules29]

I am afraid it has gone too far for both myself and other brother, they have been dreadful towards us. I am just so relieved that Mum will not be aware of what is going on with regard to her children. It really is upsetting, I love her so much and can only hope that she will be with Dad soon (that may sound awful) xx

 

[lis66]

Ah Jules can't begin to imagine how hard and heartbreaking this must be for you not to see your mother it's very sad ,surely your other siblings must realise this x

 

[jules29]

@lis66

I have to try and remember I had the best years with Mum and Dad and hope Mum's suffering is over soon xx

 

[lis66]

Yes that is very true,my mum has had ad for six years ,the last two being the worst , sometimes I find it hard to remember the person she was this illness is so cruel and ,you want the suffering to end for them but also don't want them to die xx

 

[jules29]

@lis66
Thank you, that means a lot to know it isn't just me thinking like that. My mum is 91years at the end of this month and the condition seemed to come on so suddenly a matter of weeks - I understand from the nursing home down there they recognised it when she went in which I understand was the middle of July last year and Mum left here on the 24th June (when my so called sister fetched her whilst we went on our summer break). xx

 

[jules29]

Hi
My first post explains the situation with regard to my dear Mum. I was wondering if anyone knew if my brother and I are entitled to know at what stage Mum's dementia is? Could I ask the Matron of the home - it's just that she does not always come back to me when I have asked questions?

Any help would be greatly appreciated as the not knowing about Mum is so hard.

 

[jules29]

Apologies for not being on here for some time, but my dear Mum passed away on the 21st May 2019 in the care home she was in down South, sadly we were not able to be with her as we were never told by the home nor by my other two siblings. She had been placed on medication for a lower respitory infection and the matron of the home when I phoned her said that Mum went downhill very quickly but that there were two members of staff with her when she passed over, very sad that my siblings could not have been there (had I been down there I would have stayed with her at the home to ensure she had her hand held) so sad.

At last now I know she is at peace and with Dear Dad but it does not make it any easier that she has gone , miss her loads but have so many happy memories.

Thank you to all of you who sent me messages, it was much appreciated.

Please all stay safe and look after yourselves. Jules xx

 

[Cat27]

I’m so sorry to read about your mum @jules29.