Getting Pushed Away

tarakins

New member
Mar 15, 2019
5
0
Hi I'm new to the forum but wondered if anyone can help.
Mum has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I'm from a large family and we have all noticed her decline over the past two years and also question whether dad is in the early stages. Mum and dad are pushing the whole family away apart from one of their children who is now revelling in the fact that they are mum and dad's favourite and they can join in with the secrets. The three of them even kept the diagnosis from us for as long as they could manage to keep it secret. They attend a post diagnosis support group which they refuse to let anyone else attend. Should the rest of us all just back off and leave them to it (which is what they all want and what they are driving us to) or do we take the other view that it is the disease that is making mum (and maybe dad) behave in this way and try and keep being a part of their lives. We are all heartbroken in the way they are behaving. They will allow us to visit them at home but that is as far as it goes. They won't talk about anything with anybody apart from the one 'chosen child' their other children and grown up grandchildren now count for nothing and they wont go anywhere or do anything unless it is with this particular child.
 

nae sporran

Registered User
Oct 29, 2014
9,213
0
Bristol
Welcome to TP, tarakins. Sorry I don't have any answers to your problem, with our family the problem was more about getting my partner's children to help. Family dynamics are hard and when a parent has dementia it is harder still. You will find plenty of support here though, and the factsheets will give you some insight into your mum's condition. https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/types-dementia/alzheimers-disease
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,342
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @tarakins

The "favourite child" is in for a rude awakening! I cared for my dad on my own with very little help from my 2 siblings. I would have welcomed help.

I don't think it will be possible to change your mum and dad's mind about who is favourite...but things will change. It is the nature of dementia and the favourite this month could well find themselves the enemy next month. Just keep visiting and offering to take them out. Things may change or they may not.

And try not to take it personally (easier said than done I know)

I understand how hurt you must feel but your mum and dad will have lost empathy, it's one of the first things to go with dementia, so they will see only their own needs and feelings. Not sure what your sibling's excuse is though!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Im afraid that it is quite common for people with dementia to decide that one child is the "golden child" or alternatively that one child is horrible and gets accused of all sorts, so your parents attitude does indeed sound like the dementia talking. Im guessing that you are right about your sibling reveling in this attitude, but I must say that they will find that it is incredibly hard going and I would bet that they will eventually come to you asking for help
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
4,333
0
Victoria, Australia
I also think that it is a very common thing for people with a diagnosis of dementia to be desperate to keep it secret. I think things are changing but often for older people the stigma attached to dementia is enough to want to hide it.

I just think you need to be patient for a while because the day will come when all the family is needed and you will be able to give the help when that time comes.

I doubt that many people would know that my husband has Alzheimer's- firstly because he would never have told them and secondly because he presents very well when out and about. He would never forgive me if told them so I am not surprised by your parents' attitude.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
If you could continue with the visits @tarakins, as if they are the normal visits you have always made, the favourite child will realise you have no intention of giving up on your parents.

It will be difficult, but best to avoid discussion which may cause all three to close ranks. Have patience. The favourite is enjoying being possessive but no one knows what the future holds.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
0
Please do not back off but make normal visits as always. They will tell when they want to or can bring theirselves too. It is a shock for them so need to adjust.
Try not to be hurt, there will be change and patience allows it to be positive.
 

Milatoschris

Registered User
May 29, 2018
31
0
Welcome to the group. Sorry to hear about your mum and dad, shame the sibling is acting the way they are. Stay strong, visit and as others have said in time they will probably ask for help. stay in touch x