I'm sole carer for my 97-year old mother . . .

John Logg

Registered User
Mar 4, 2019
14
0
South-East England
. . . and it's getting me down a bit.

My father died in 2016 after declining for two-and-a-half years, I noticed when he stopped doing cryptic crosswords, Sudoku and forgetting appointments. During the last year of life he certainly had dementia, which I was told was almost certainly vascular dementia. He was still pleasant and benign but just very sleepy, and when mobile apt to wander off.

I have an elder brother who visited us three times last year, for two hours each time. After December 2008 he started ignoring Christmas and birthdays pretty much. He invited us for Boxing Day afternoon on 2012 and our widowed mother and me in 2016 but that was all. This hurt our parents a lot, and me too.

Despite knowing little about illness of any kind, he thinks himself entitled to tell me what to do. He's quite talented really, but when not on a subject he knows about, he can't recognize he's not an expert.

I have no real help and am feeling depressed and isolated.
 
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canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Hello @John Logg and welcome to Talking Point.

I think most of us can recognise relatives like that who never visit, never give any help, but still think they know everything and give "useful" (useless more like) instructions. The best thing is to ignore them. The wicked bit of me would like in the face of "what you should do is...." is to reply "oh, what a good idea - when can you do it?"

Are you getting any help at all with your mum?
Would help with housework, someone to get your mum up, washed and dressed, getting your mum out to coffee mornings, singing, or a day centre maybe one or two days a week, help you? Contact Social Services and ask for a needs assessment for your mum to find out what is available.
 

John Logg

Registered User
Mar 4, 2019
14
0
South-East England
Hello @John Logg and welcome to Talking Point.

[...]

Are you getting any help at all with your mum?

Someone comes on Sundays to take her to church and coffee afterwards, and the same person also comes on a weekday to take her to a short church service and then a coffee morning. I've no other help.


Would help with housework, someone to get your mum up, washed and dressed, getting your mum out to coffee mornings, singing, or a day centre maybe one or two days a week, help you? Contact Social Services and ask for a needs assessment for your mum to find out what is available.

The county council adult social care budget is sorely overstretched, and I'm suspicious of social workers and their statutory powers which can be exercised in quite an arbitrary fashion. I'm more comfortable with health professionals, but as my mother's illness is just old age really, there is little reason to call upon them.

My parents old doctor moved to another practice, so my mother's medical care is divided between two part-timers, neither of whom I'm very impressed with.

This editor has no spell-checker, I've just noticed, and how do I get to the screen where I can say I'm male and I live in England? I'd not be more specific than to give a three county location, but I'd like readers to know I'm not in Australia.
 
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Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,179
0
London
Click on the little round icon in the top right hand corner, then select Personal Details
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Dementia isnt just old age - there is much more to it than that.
If you are OK with that level of support, then that is fine, but you do not need to be afraid of Social Services. Lots of people are worried that SS is going to turn up and cart the person with dementia off to a care home. In fact the opposite is more likely - they are so strapped for cash that they will try anything to keep someone at home, even when the family is at their wits end. The SW who came to give my OH a needs assessment, was lovely and came up with a suggestion that was helpful and I did not know about.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,179
0
London
The budget might be overstretched but they still have duty of care for a vulnerable adult at risk, and you are entitled to a carers assessment by law. If you continue without help, you will eventually crash and burn, which will not help your mother, and then they'd have to step in anyway.

Social workers can be irritating, slow and unhelpful, but some are great, and you don't need to be suspicious of them. I know every council is different, but I had a great support package for my OH, without which I could not have cared for him. Go and contact them, and also find your local Carers Centre and Alzheimer's Society for practical and emotional support.

Plus you can offload here and ask questions any time you like. :)
 

John Logg

Registered User
Mar 4, 2019
14
0
South-East England
Dementia isnt just old age - there is much more to it than that.

My father's decline was definite. My mother's been "going a bit funny" for several years. She was registed blind more than ten years ago (AMD) but has latterly taken to asking me several times a day where my father is, and whether I'm her brother or her son.

She asks me where her parents are (long dead of course) and then about people she knew who are mostly dead. If I say someone died seven years ago, she replies: "No, it hasn't been that long."

If you are OK with that level of support, then that is fine, but you do not need to be afraid of Social Services. Lots of people are worried that SS is going to turn up and cart the person with dementia off to a care home. In fact the opposite is more likely - they are so strapped for cash that they will try anything to keep someone at home, even when the family is at their wits end. The SW who came to give my OH a needs assessment, was lovely and came up with a suggestion that was helpful and I did not know about.

I am afraid of Social Services, I'm afraid. I don't think that will change.

I could do with some help, I know that though. My mother is becoming less able to deal with her own personal needs, and that will only get worse.

I'm losing track of my own things as well. A lot is down to the imposed isolation.
 

John Logg

Registered User
Mar 4, 2019
14
0
South-East England
I do hold Powers of Attorney though, Health and Welfare as well as Finance and Property. I know that can be important.

They're registered with the Office of the Public Guardian, but I haven't taken them to the doctor's surgery or to the banks yet.
 

myss

Registered User
Jan 14, 2018
449
0
. . . and it's getting me down a bit.

My father died in 2016 after declining for two-and-a-half years, I noticed when he stopped doing cryptic crosswords, Sudoku and forgetting appointments. During the last year of life he certainly had dementia, which I was told was almost certainly vascular dementia. He was still pleasant and benign but just very sleepy, and when mobile apt to wander off.

I have an elder brother who visited us three times last year, for two hours each time. After December 2008 he started ignoring Christmas and birthdays pretty much. He invited us for Boxing Day afternoon on 2012 and our widowed mother and me in 2016 but that was all. This hurt our parents a lot, and me too.

Despite knowing little about illness of any kind, he thinks himself entitled to tell me what to do. He's quite talented really, but when not on a subject he knows about, he can't recognize he's not an expert.

I have no real help and am feeling depressed and isolated.
Hello @John Logg Welcome to the forum. You should experience lots of sympathy and empathy here at what ever stage, situation, issue, etc you're at - good and not so good - as someone is likely to have been there or going through it at the same time as you. And if not, then there's support while you're going through it yourself.

I heard people talk of others, mostly relatives or family friends, in the same way you speak of your brother. I hope you don't mind me asking but have you told him about how his actions look or looked to you and/or your mum? Sometimes they may be unbelievably oblivious to their actions, or are completely aware of their actions but think because you/your mum don't say anything, you both are content with his actions or oblivious to his actions. This then can make him think it's OK for him to act like that.

I know you shouldn't have to tell/explain to him something that should be clear but sometimes a concise explanation is necessary to get the message across.
I've had to do this with one of my dad's friends when he asked what my dad is doing for himself despite being told of my dad's decline over the years. And his wife's a nurse - and she's worse! ;)
 

Lemondrizzle

Registered User
Aug 26, 2018
246
0
I must admit I hav employed canary's tactic of asking the person making suggestions when they can come and do it (although I must admit not always in those terms!) and I don't think there is a time when they ever have.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
I understand why you feel so isolated, it can be a very lonely place caring for someone without help. I don't know what your relationship is like with your brother, do you feel you could talk to him or would he not listen? You may feel you don't have the energy to engage with him at this stage though.

I think your mother's decline is more than 'old age'. But whatever the diagnosis (or lack of it), you say your mother needs more help, and the place to get that is social services, do you think you can overcome your fear of them to get her that help? However if she is self-funding, you can go direct to a care agency with no need to involve SS, the agency will do a needs assessment themselves, and as you have POA you can lodge it with the bank to pay for the care. I hope you get the help you need for your mother.
 

John Logg

Registered User
Mar 4, 2019
14
0
South-East England
[...] I think your mother's decline is more than 'old age'.

I have no doubts about that, but I don't see an agressive dementia like I have in others, or the slower descent my father had as he went benignly doolally while remaining kind and polite.

But whatever the diagnosis (or lack of it), you say your mother needs more help, and the place to get that is social services, do you think you can overcome your fear of them to get her that help?

What help can Social Services offer me? I had some dealings with them in relation to my late father and found them crass and imperious - fortunately I have a stubborn streak.

However if she is self-funding, you can go direct to a care agency with no need to involve SS, the agency will do a needs assessment themselves, and as you have POA you can lodge it with the bank to pay for the care. I hope you get the help you need for your mother.

I need advice about who can help me with my mother and what they could do.
 

nita

Registered User
Dec 30, 2011
2,651
0
Essex
You say your mother needs help with personal care. Therefore, she will need carers. As said before, you can either hire them yourself if your mother can afford it or you can contact Social Services for help. For the sake of her wellbeing and dignity, I think you ought to think about taking this route.
 

John Logg

Registered User
Mar 4, 2019
14
0
South-East England
[...] I heard people talk of others, mostly relatives or family friends, in the same way you speak of your brother. I hope you don't mind me asking but have you told him about how his actions look or looked to you and/or your mum? Sometimes they may be unbelievably oblivious to their actions, or are completely aware of their actions but think because you/your mum don't say anything, you both are content with his actions or oblivious to his actions. This then can make him think it's OK for him to act like that. [...] ;)

When he came last August last he pressed to go to the local pub/eaterie which my mother didn't want and I didn't want. I told him his name was mud locally and he risked being beaten up there. So you can see I'm done with being tactful with him.
 
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John Logg

Registered User
Mar 4, 2019
14
0
South-East England
You say your mother needs help with personal care. Therefore, she will need carers. As said before, you can either hire them yourself if your mother can afford it or you can contact Social Services for help. For the sake of her wellbeing and dignity, I think you ought to think about taking this route.

I think she now needs some help with washing etc. which I can't provide. My mother can be very stubborn, though, and might simply refuse.

Also I found with my father that help tends to be in the form of assisting to get up (much too late) and then to go to bed (much too early) at times to suit the carers.
 

nita

Registered User
Dec 30, 2011
2,651
0
Essex
The resistance to care can be a problem, particularly in patients with dementia as they don't necessarily acknowledge that they need help. An experienced carer should be able to persuade the person they need to be clean and, if necessary, at first help them to do as much as they can by themselves. It is better to introduce carers earlier in the illness as then the person becomes used to the idea of help from 'outside'. I agree it can be problematic and was in my mother's case. You just have to try it and prepare the ground for the idea as carefully as possible. I can understand your hesitation at taking this course but it will only become more necessary as time goes on as apathy about looking after yourself is one of the early features.
 

John Logg

Registered User
Mar 4, 2019
14
0
South-East England
The resistance to care can be a problem, particularly in patients with dementia as they don't necessarily acknowledge that they need help. An experienced carer should be able to persuade the person they need to be clean and, if necessary, at first help them to do as much as they can by themselves.

I'll make enquiries locally about what sort of help can be given. My own experience suggests that occasional help is hard to obtain - they want two visits every day at a times to suit themselves or they place you on a waiting list and you go no further wth that provider.

It is better to introduce carers earlier in the illness as then the person becomes used to the idea of help from 'outside'. I agree it can be problematic and was in my mother's case. You just have to try it and prepare the ground for the idea as carefully as possible. I can understand your hesitation at taking this course but it will only become more necessary as time goes on as apathy about looking after yourself is one of the early features.

I'll see what I can do to bring her round to the idea of outside help, but if all that the agencies are willing to provide is the two visits a day which is inappropriate at present, I'm stuck.

Thank you for your replies Nita, and many thanks to the other posters here who've replied to me on this thread.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
5,395
0
Dorset
If Social Services assess your Mother’s needs and decide only one visit is needed each day to assist with personal care then that is what they will arrange and pay for. As Care firms have many customers but limited staff then there is always somebody who is going to be getting up late or prepared for bed early. If your Mother needs the care then let somebody take that job off your shoulders and if further care becomes necessary you already have a system in place.
 

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