Non acceptance

[vwgolf]

Hi. Has anyone any experience of their husband or partner refusing to acknowledge their having anything wrong with them and hates being told (very gently) about dementia (even when he asks what's wrong with him). He was diagnosed 5 years ago and won't hear of joining any clubs ("with those funny people") or even going with me to Alzheimer's for tea and cake when they have this meet. I help him with mostly everything. I wouldn't want to hear the dreaded words myself but accepting would make life a little easier I'm sure? He does know he needs help. We laugh together a lot when bathing, dressing or doing jobs together and thanks me lots for helping him but just will not discuss his having this disease...… even when Alzheimer's Society and will I help him to retake his driving test (reckons he never had an accident and wouldn't now!).

Thank you.

 

[Beate]

Yes, it's very common, and he's not simply being awkward - most likely he really doesn't understand that he has dementia, and you can tell him until you are blue in the face, he will not believe you. So for your and his sake, please stop trying. Put yourself in his shoes - you know there is nothing wrong with you, but your spouse keeps telling you there is, and she tries to get you to go to places with funny people in them. Wouldn't that make you upset? I never discussed dementia with my OH - I simply did not see the point in it, and it wouldn't have helped him.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

My mother would get angry if she heard the word Alzheimer's. We agreed that her memory wasn't what it used to be. That's as far as she would go. So I left it at that.

There really isn't any point in your telling him again he has dementia, as he simply cannot take it in. Don't stress yourself or him out by trying to get him to understand. When he asks what's wrong with him, maybe just something like "None of us are what we used to be".

 

[witts1973]

Yes, it's very common, and he's not simply being awkward - most likely he really doesn't understand that he has dementia, and you can tell him until you are blue in the face, he will not believe you. So for your and his sake, please stop trying. Put yourself in his shoes - you know there is nothing wrong with you, but your spouse keeps telling you there is, and she tries to get you to go to places with funny people in them. Wouldn't that make you upset? I never discussed dementia with my OH - I simply did not see the point in it, and it wouldn't have helped him.

completely agree with that and I never mention the word dementia in front of my mum when I'm talking to the carers that visit

 

[maryjoan]

Hi. Has anyone any experience of their husband or partner refusing to acknowledge their having anything wrong with them and hates being told (very gently) about dementia (even when he asks what's wrong with him). He was diagnosed 5 years ago and won't hear of joining any clubs ("with those funny people") or even going with me to Alzheimer's for tea and cake when they have this meet. I help him with mostly everything. I wouldn't want to hear the dreaded words myself but accepting would make life a little easier I'm sure? He does know he needs help. We laugh together a lot when bathing, dressing or doing jobs together and thanks me lots for helping him but just will not discuss his having this disease...… even when Alzheimer's Society and will I help him to retake his driving test (reckons he never had an accident and wouldn't now!).

Thank you.

I am in the same boat exactly. It was explained to me that the right side of his brain has atrophied and the left hand side has 'taken over' some function, and is convinced that there are no problems. I can understand that, and it makes me realise that OH is not just being contrary (although he is about other things) but that his brain is playing tricks on him - and that is how I have explained it to him many times, but then he forgets, but then he asks again - you know how it is.
This condition has a name, I could stand correcting on the spelling 'anacognosia' sounds to me like the name of a snake or a dinosaur, but having a just 3 year old grandson around - I spend a lot of time looking for dinosaurs in the garden and under the table....

 

[Maryland]

Yes, it's very common, and he's not simply being awkward - most likely he really doesn't understand that he has dementia, and you can tell him until you are blue in the face, he will not believe you. So for your and his sake, please stop trying. Put yourself in his shoes - you know there is nothing wrong with you, but your spouse keeps telling you there is, and she tries to get you to go to places with funny people in them. Wouldn't that make you upset? I never discussed dementia with my OH - I simply did not see the point in it, and it wouldn't have helped him.

My OH is like yours. I took him to a memory cafe and he just walked out, according to him there is nothing wrong with him so I just humour him, I now get carers in once a week to pop in if I have to go out But he says he doesn’t need anyone but just tell him as I am going out the door. My problem is he starts drawing blinds and locking doors at 3pm as he thinks something is breaking in, he even locks the en suite door with something from the wrong side and you can’t get in as he thinks someone is going to break in from the outside. The consultant said just ignore him but that is easier said than done,

 

[canary]

This condition has a name, I could stand correcting on the spelling 'anacognosia'

Its anosognosia. My mum had this too and I used to just refer to her "poor memory"

Your right - it does sound like a dinosaur lol

 

[Maryland]

Its anosognosia. My mum had this too and I used to just refer to her "poor memory"

Your right - it does sound like a dinosaur lol

Thank goodness for this site. Sometimes when I have had a bad day like today it does you good to know that you are not alone with this, thank you everyone xx

 

[WA123]

My husband talks about 'this condition I have'. His mum died of Alzheimers and he watched what it did to her which I am very sure scares him. I'm with everyone else on here. there is nothing to be gained by trying to talk to your OH about it and even if he did listen, understand and remember it won't make any difference to what he needs from you and others around him. It sounds to me as though you've worked out what those needs are and how to organise everything so I would just continue with that.

 

[marionq]

We benefited greatly from the groups run by Alzheimers Scotland but the very first one I took John to at the start of this illness did not go well. That was about six years ago and it was a singing group. He took one look at all the wheelchairs and zimmers lined up and looked horrified. I quickly asked him if he would like to go for a pub lunch instead and that's what we did.

A few months later we tried again without me saying much about it. It became one of our favourite groups and we made a lot of friends. He is now one of the people with sticks, zimmer and wheelchair depending on where he is.

This illness requires you to constantly adjust to circumstances. Nothing stays the same for any length of time. So ignore nonsense and move on. Try later if it is important to you and you might get a different response.

 

[Grannie G]

This illness requires you to constantly adjust to circumstances. Nothing stays the same for any length of time. So ignore nonsense and move on. Try later if it is important to you and you might get a different response.

This is so true. Experience shows nothing is set in stone.

In the early days my husband was fighting a battle with the world, including me. As his dementia progressed his paranoia reduced and he allowed himself to accept help and what previously he would have called interference and intrusion.

 

[dancer12]

Hi:

Nothing wrong with my husband, it must be me. He has told me so many times I'm actually starting to believe there is.

 

[jenniferjean]

Hi:

Nothing wrong with my husband, it must be me. He has told me so many times I'm actually starting to believe there is.

My husband doesn't tell me that but sometimes circumstances do. When I loose things that have been moved and I wonder what is the logic in him moving it, and am I sure it wasn't me that moved it. There is some much to think about as I'm having to think for him too that I'm bound to forget some things. It does make me wonder at times.

 

[LadyA]

My husband was so hostile to the very idea that he had any form of dementia, that his consultant felt it would be counterproductive to tell him, so throughout his illness, he was never told. He knew , but it could never be mentioned. He would never go to a Day Centre or anything like that. If I ever forgot something, he would gleefully say "Ha! You must be getting Alzheimer's Disease!" Over time, things went from him getting furious with me and believing (and telling others) that I was deliberately hiding things in order to make it look as though he was losing his mind, to being thrilled and delighted that, whenever he lost something, I almost invariably could find it for him! He'd laugh delightedly and say "Wow, you're amazing! You always know exactly where to look!" which was actually not hard, as he usually "hid" things at his own eye level! And after he died, I found a scrapbook from the year before he was diagnosed where he had been researching and collecting everything he could find on preventing alzheimer's disease, and all sorts of "treatments" for it, and what was recommended in the way of supplements etc. So, he did know. But as long as he wasn't told, I guess he felt that maybe other people didn't?

 

[dancer12]

My husband doesn't tell me that but sometimes circumstances do. When I loose things that have been moved and I wonder what is the logic in him moving it, and am I sure it wasn't me that moved it. There is some much to think about as I'm having to think for him too that I'm bound to forget some things. It does make me wonder at times.

Hi:

One time we went grocery shopping and he was bagging the groceries, when we got home I had an extra bag of groceries that I hadn't bought. He had put somebody else's groceries in our cart. I was paying so I didn't notice and I guess the other person didn't notice or was to embarrassed for herself & him to say anything. BONUS: I got an extra bag of groceries.

 

[maryjoan]

My husband was so hostile to the very idea that he had any form of dementia, that his consultant felt it would be counterproductive to tell him, so throughout his illness, he was never told. He knew , but it could never be mentioned. He would never go to a Day Centre or anything like that. If I ever forgot something, he would gleefully say "Ha! You must be getting Alzheimer's Disease!" Over time, things went from him getting furious with me and believing (and telling others) that I was deliberately hiding things in order to make it look as though he was losing his mind, to being thrilled and delighted that, whenever he lost something, I almost invariably could find it for him! He'd laugh delightedly and say "Wow, you're amazing! You always know exactly where to look!" which was actually not hard, as he usually "hid" things at his own eye level! And after he died, I found a scrapbook from the year before he was diagnosed where he had been researching and collecting everything he could find on preventing alzheimer's disease, and all sorts of "treatments" for it, and what was recommended in the way of supplements etc. So, he did know. But as long as he wasn't told, I guess he felt that maybe other people didn't?

That is very interesting - that he had been doing the research and, I suppose, hoping it wasn't happening......

 

[Gladys1946]

My husband is the same. Insists there is nothing wrong. Says we tell him and the Consultant did also that he had Alzheimers - but he said, I dont know that I have, there is nothing wrong with me other than that I have a poor memory! It can be very frustrating but if thats what they want to believe so be it. I cant help feeling frustrated and angry though sometimes and then I feel ashamed of myself.

 

[jenniferjean]

My husband is the same. Insists there is nothing wrong. Says we tell him and the Consultant did also that he had Alzheimers - but he said, I dont know that I have, there is nothing wrong with me other than that I have a poor memory! It can be very frustrating but if thats what they want to believe so be it. I cant help feeling frustrated and angry though sometimes and then I feel ashamed of myself.

Yes, let it be. It's best to just agree with him. I know it's frustrating but it makes for an easier life. I just don't talk about it with my husband and he doesn't mention it.