my mother

[carlton ann]

Well we did the Christmas thing in the CH on Boxing Day.
Mum could not open the presents that I had wrapped for her, although I had used so little tape and the paper was so strong that if you held it your fingers went through. She was pleased I think with the gifts.
Dad opened his and grumbled that we had got pyjamas with bottoms which he does not wear. Anyone know a shop that sells only the tops of pyjamas with buttons all the way down like shirts?? The rest got a grunt.
I then spent my time marking them up with his name and room number so they should be returned to him after washing. In his room I had to do socks and handkerchiefs.
I then went and did the same taking mums things to her room.
Before I left he was moaning about my cousins daughter who had come to see him, travelled over 30 miles to get there and she only brought a card. What use is a Christmas card.
Mum called him a grumpy sod at that point. Oh how I wish she had been vocal in her previous life.
BTW even though we go weekly and when we got there he knew we were visiting on Boxing Day on Christmas day he was arguing with son and D in L that we hadn't been to visit for over 2 weeks.

 

[carlton ann]

Thought I would update my thread.
Last week he had a cough and is now on antibiotics.
This week mum has the same cough and they are trying to get the same Dr's to give her some antibiotics.
The care home took mum out last week on her actual birthday. She went out for tea and cake at a café in the park. She can remember none of this. Mind when we got there she was still eating her breakfast, 5 mins later and she is asking has she had breakfast yet.
She has been vicious in her speaking to us today as she wants to go home again. How long does this carry on for? we are coming up 3 years with the same comments/questions. Distraction just makes it worse. Today she was carrying Rupert the bear around with her.
Dad today had me check he still had trousers in his wardrobe, 6 pairs. He says he only has the ones which he is wearing.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

It seems your mother is past the point of remembering anything recent, so I wouldn't worry so much about that.

Regarding the wanting to go home, my mother used to want to visit her parents (both died in 1970) and I would say "Okay, how about the day after tomorrow?" Since Mum had no sense of time, that would work. Or as many here have done, "when the doctor says you're ready to go". then it's the doctor's fault and not yours.

If you are finding the abuse difficult, why not take a break from visiting? My mother got extremely nasty for several long periods and several times I took a break of a week or two, just because she was being so awful. In fact, one time I walked out 5 minutes after arriving because she was just vicious.

 

[carlton ann]

Thank you for your reply Joanne.
I do get stressed easily and do wear the guilt monster on my shoulder.

This week mum had recovered from her cold, thanks to antibiotics.
She now has a sore on her 'personal bits'. The home picked it up as soon as it started. They think it is because the antibiotics gave her the runs and this mixed with urine may have burnt her. In the week she has lost the use of her legs, for one night, so they lifted her with the hoist, but her skin is so thin on her legs she now has a wound. She is wearing bed socks on her feet with white dressings on both knees. I remember this sight well, had to take her in the end to the hospital some years ago with ulcers.
She was loving a teddy this week. She declared that teddy has a tummy upset, then added I bet you think I am stupid. Joint reply from hubby and myself - not at all mum.

Dad was over his cold too, he was now making comment about one member of staff. He has a dislike of her, she was forcing food down him the other night, and she has caused marks to come on his wrist from dragging him in the shower. There are always 2 carers who shower him. Anyhow the CH have taken photos. Not mentioned anything to me directly, so we will see. He was asking for poison to take.
Can the CH feed somebody if I ask for them not to as his wish is to die as soon as possible? The CH are aware of his wish as he says it to them regularly.

I was quite chilled going to the CH considering we had a leaking radiator in the middle of the hallway to sort out when we got back.

 

[carlton ann]

Well what a fun week we have had.
Mum is getting worse, yesterday she was saying that teddy had been doing naughty things with another teddy and they may have babies, so she had brought him out of her bedroom.
She is loosing weight and they are starting to feed her, when she lets them near her. The other day she was still in her nightdress, having refused to get dressed. Yesterday she was in a wheelchair so we could move her to see dad and her legs were stuck out in a funny position in mid air. She was unable to release them onto the footrest or floor.
Guess she is slipping further.
Dad, well, on Saturday he was blue lighted to the local hospital A&E with a nosebleed. They admitted him, but they had to admit him to Doncaster. This transfer was done late evening. On Sunday we went to see him, he had a plug up his nose, and was demanding somebody come and see him. Not the young guy who was walking around the 4 bed ward. As he went past the bottom of dad's bed he said don't worry I'm only the consultant. He told us what would happen on the Monday and that he would be sent home that day. (no treatment as this could cause more issues than it could solve, unless something MAJOR was found) On Monday we were advised he was leaving, again on Tuesday and finally on Wednesday he returned to his CH around 6pm. No transport. Yesterday we went in expecting that he would be angry, would appear he has no problem, mainly as he cannot remember how long he was in Doncaster.
We have now been told that he has dementia, he is making up stories all the time and convincing others to listen to them, some are believed, some are so far fetched we know they are lies.
He cannot leave his nose alone and had blood running all the time. He hadn't touched it though as blood is all over his hands. Mr angry started on me again.. wasn't surprised.
CHC meeting due next Wednesday to see if he should continue to receive funding.
I think he is worse and now dementia has been added to the mix.. well we will see.

 

[carlton ann]

update time

The CHC meeting took place. Was very relaxed and everyone said what had to be said. The CH representative who gave most of the information was a little careful of her wordings at first, and picking up on this I advised that I had no problem in hearing the full facts of everything rather than circling around the issue. 3 hrs later the meeting was drawing to a close. I have no idea if he will keep the funding as he has changed due to nursing care being given on site, but they noted that the underlying issues are still there. But has declined in others. I broached the subject of mum being check listed for CHC funding, I was advised that they would consider the check list. The person who represents the nursing side said I had got in with the question before she had. The SS representative was a lot better than the last lady.
My hubby had the pair of OAP's for the 3 hrs, he won't tell me what was said as it would be too distressing so he had a fun time!
Mum is still doubly incontinent and they now consider that this is how it is. She is so bad her underwear is being destroyed. At least her legs were no longer locked in a funny position.
Dad is causing trouble at night going to bed and is wanting to get up at 4am telling them it is morning. Sun downing coming to the fore. He is refusing to eat, his reason is that he is doing no exercise so does not need lots of food.
Both are on the 'watch list' for loosing weight.

 

[carlton ann]

Still awaiting the outcome of the CHC meeting.
Dad has started to play with his incontinence pads and himself. Today he was wet through. The CH staff took him and changed him, finding that the pad was all to one side. They say they are putting a new one on for bed, and a few minutes later he is calling for the night staff to change it. Think it is a mix of dementia and also trying to be in control of his environment.
Last week I got a drinks bottle thrown at me, as I would not take mum home and advised that they said she should stay where she was until the Dr's said she was better. This week she is so confused that when I asked if she wanted coffee or tea to drink, she was unable to understand. Teddy is still being loved.
Dad does not want to be left with her, when we leave, so we have moved her back to her wing of the CH. I understand from staff that they argue and shout quite a lot. This is quite a shock to dad as mum never raised her voice whilst in their bungalow as she was very submissive to his demands.

 

[carlton ann]

Dad's funding review is before the panel today.
Doubt if I will get the outcome within 2 weeks

Mum had the tick list assessment towards funding yesterday. She passed.

She was in a state that morning.
She blanked me and indicated that she did not have a daughter and thought she lived somewhere else completely prior to going into care ( actually my own village, which we always abbreviate, but not her, she gave it its full name). I had been expecting her not to know me at sometime, but prompting did not help her remember me.

The most frightening was she was eating her breakfast, when asked what meal she was eating she said she wasn't eating anything. When prompted that it was cornflakes when would she eat that, she denied eating again. When asked if she was eating breakfast as she had just got up again she was not eating anything.

I have also found out that she is now refusing to take medication, only paracetamol, but she screams if anyone touches her as if she is in major pain.

The CH wish to change her room as due to the incontinence issues her carpet has given up and will no longer come clean. Lino floor is in the new room. I have no objection and can see the problems. I just said I wished them good luck and that they would have to manage the fall out from this.

 

[carlton ann]

Just a quick note to say that dad has lost some of his CHC funding, down from 50% to 40%.
Don't think we can argue with the report.
Seen them both yesterday.
It would appear that the fly over in Sheffield had set something off in his mind and brought on more confusion.
Mum, did not know who either of us were. She kept on coming up with names of pubs around where she used to live. Not bad for a woman who had never had an alcoholic drink in her life, and only went in them to eat. They have started to put her on bed rest only getting her up for meals as she has a patch of skin on her back/bottom which is breaking down. She is on 2hrly change of positions during the day and 4hrly at night. The only person on the wing that this happens to.
They have obtained soluble pain killers, so as she was screaming that her legs were in pain, we asked for some to be given. We administered them, it took over half an hour of encouragement and objections from her to get her to take them.

 

[carlton ann]

Yesterday evening received a phone call to say that mum was being taken into hospital as she had an infection.
On my arrival she was in the resuscitation room. Yes she has a urine infection, but she has had a major stroke.
She is now on a ward, on end of life care.

 

[Juniorjunior]

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Sending you best wishes in this difficult time.

 

[stanleypj]

I'm sorry to hear this Ann. My thoughts are with you.

 

[canary]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs @carlton ann

 

[Shedrech]

just to say my thoughts are with you and your mum @carlton ann

 

[Cat27]

My thoughts are with you Ann.

 

[Bunpoots]

Thinking of you @carlton ann

 

[charlie10]

so sorry.....thinking of you both x

 

[Canadian Joanne]

@carlton ann I'm sorry to hear this about your mother. It has been quite a difficult time the last 6 months, hasn't it?

How is your cancer prognosis? I know the last one was good, I hope that keeps up.

 

[carlton ann]

Many thanks for your wishes and thoughts.
We have had around 6hrs sleep since last Thursday night.
She passed at 10 past 10 this morning, peacefully with my husband holding her, after I had told her I was leaving the room to go to the toilet.
(I believe that she did not want to go with myself or brother with her in the room).
Yes you did read correctly my brother has been involved in staying with her.

Dad has not been too kind, and now we have told him that she has died, we could be having major issues.. His comments were I need a shave when we are trying to explain what happens next in the process of dealing with mums death.


Joanne,
Thank you for asking about my health, I see the consultant in April and will be having an operation in May, getting the results around 2 weeks later.

 

[Izzy]

I'm so sorry to hear your news. Sending my condolences and wishing you strength.

So hard for you with explaining things to your dad and with your own health.