Advice for parent whos thinking of moving

Baggybreeks

Registered User
Mar 22, 2017
80
0
Scotland
Hi scoobydoo2
I had a similar problem with my husband with dementia. We had a very unpleasant neighbour downstairs which made him feel threatened, so he wanted to move.
We looked at houses and flats for 2-3 years. Thankful the woman in the lower flat left and although our flat wasn’t ideal for someone with dementia and problems with the stairs we stayed put. He had problems trying to find his possessions and remembering where dishes went.
I think it would be very difficult moving someone with dementia. As the disease progresses the problems get worse and moving to unfamiliar surroundings multiplies the confusion. My husband couldn’t remember where the bathroom was and just went anywhere, even when incontinent and wearing pads..
I agree with the other members that sorting out the house might be a better solution for the meantime.
Events overtake unexpectedly too. My husband had to go into hospital and never came home, then went into a care home. Something I had never anticipated or wanted to do.
I moved after 2 years, to a smaller flat, near the care home. And then he died, after 2 1/2 years in care.
I found the move disruptive , trying to find things, in strange places, even when I don’t have dementia .
So all things considered, staying put, for your parents, probably the simplest idea.
Good luck, hope your siblings take more care of your parents as they are closer.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
0
I feel that although you are right, being so far away puts you at a disadvantage. You need to keep the family on board. Is there any extra care accommodation available. Not retirement or sheltered as that would not future proof.
It is very hard for you. I agree with Sirena you need to get to the root cause. Your Dad sounds lonely so walking to get a paper gives social contact.
 

scoobydoo2

Registered User
Feb 23, 2019
34
0
I was looking for extra care accommodation today I think there is some yes. I agree will you @AliceA I really need to understand the root cause, I do think they both will struggle to cope going forward so I am looking into what support is available for both of them like restbite care, daytime centres, home help etc.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
0
I was looking for extra care accommodation today I think there is some yes. I agree will you @AliceA I really need to understand the root cause, I do think they both will struggle to cope going forward so I am looking into what support is available for both of them like restbite care, daytime centres, home help etc.

Good luck with your search. It is difficult, sometimes people say one thing because of false hope.
I know of one man who thought new hearing aids would help him understand more. He did not grasp that hearing was ok. It was the illness that affected his cognition.
Your parents generation are quite independent too, just going out for a paper can be so important.
Try not to worry x
 

scoobydoo2

Registered User
Feb 23, 2019
34
0
Thanks everyone for all your help much appreciated, lots to think about. Need a family meeting asap so we can all voice our opinion and come up with a plan.
 
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Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
Good luck with your search. It is difficult, sometimes people say one thing because of false hope.
I know of one man who thought new hearing aids would help him understand more. He did not grasp that hearing was ok. It was the illness that affected his cognition.
Your parents generation are quite independent too, just going out for a paper can be so important.
Try not to worry x

My grandmother thought exactly the same thing re her hearing aids. Very sad.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
7,085
0
Chester
I was looking for extra care accommodation today I think there is some yes.

My mum is in sheltered extra care, and this has been a really good solution for her.

From what you have written it sounds like your parents are at the stage that they would benefit greatly from this sort of accommodation.

Initially my mum needed little support and loved the fact that she had her own flat but support was available, she knew something was wrong, but not what. Now that she needs more support it has seamlessly been added.

It did take her over 2 weeks to work out the layout of her flat but once she had done this she loved it. She has been there 5 years now and is still in early stages.

As others have said a move without lots of benefits isn't necessarily a good thing.
 

scoobydoo2

Registered User
Feb 23, 2019
34
0
Just an update on this ! Mum has booked into to see GP which is good. My Dad is becoming more stressed and impatient with her - I'm wondering what support we can give him to help.

They have said again they would both like to live closer to the shops. There are some OAP council bungalows in the village but there is a fairy long waiting list, maybe at least a year wait or more. They are quite small and don't have much of a garden at all and I don't really like the idea of them selling up to rent as it would be £400 a month. If that's what they want to do then of course I'll support it. They can't view one until they are offered one and its hard to know whether my mum would like it at all, my dad would probably be fine. I'm just not convinced its a good idea and again a lot of disagreement in the family. Appreciate any thoughts here !!
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
As its likely to be a year away, I wouldn't worry too much. Things will almost certainly have changed by that point. But if your father wants to do it, it's his choice.

One thing worth thinking about, as the new property would be a rental, is that if at some point your mother needs professional carers (at home or in a care home) and your parents have sold their house so the money is available (rather than in the property), half of it will be counted as her money available to pay for care fees. Wheres if the money stays in the house, the property is disregarded from financial calculations while the spouse is living it in. You may already know this, but if not other members will be able to give more details.
 

scoobydoo2

Registered User
Feb 23, 2019
34
0
As its likely to be a year away, I wouldn't worry too much. Things will almost certainly have changed by that point. But if your father wants to do it, it's his choice.

One thing worth thinking about, as the new property would be a rental, is that if at some point your mother needs professional carers (at home or in a care home) and your parents have sold their house so the money is available (rather than in the property), half of it will be counted as her money available to pay for care fees. Wheres if the money stays in the house, the property is disregarded from financial calculations while the spouse is living it in. You may already know this, but if not other members will be able to give more details.

I didnt know that thank you ! I need to look into what happens with the money etc if the house is sold and think about what to do for the best.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
If you (individually) have more than £24k in savings, the local authority will not fund care. So if the sale of the property releases a big chunk of money, that is something to be aware of.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I need to look into what happens with the money etc if the house is sold and think about what to do for the best.
When the LA are assessing someones finances for care the only thing that is disregarded is a property that a spouse (and one or two other stipulated categories) is actually living in. If the house is not sold, but they are living elsewhere, even if their savings are individually less that the £25,000, then the Local Authority will count this as part of their finances and not pay.
Equally , where ever a big chunk of money is stashed it will still count - and if the money is all put in your dads (or anyone elses) name this is considered Deprivation of Assets and the LA will assume it is still there.

The only way to protect this money is to put it into a property that your parents are living in.
 

scoobydoo2

Registered User
Feb 23, 2019
34
0
Thanks for the feedback lots of research to do ! I have been advised that "severing the tenancy" could help protect the money tied up in the house. Can anyone explain in laymans terms what that means ? I have had a google and I'm struggling to understand what it means. Thanks !
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
I think it refers to this, which is a slightly different issue and only applies while your parents own a property.

https://www.gov.uk/joint-property-ownership

There is no particular need to 'protect' the money tied up in the house while your parents still own it. As long as one spouse still lives in it, it's disregarded in terms of care fees. If they sell the property the money released (your mother's half of it) will be available for her care fees, the only way to protect it would be to buy another property to live in.

Switching to tenants in common would be helpful in a different scenario - if your mother was in care, and your father died while she was still alive. As joint tenants his half of the house would be inherited by her - so after he died the house could be sold and the whole amount released to use for her care fees (and not available to you and your siblings to inherit, until after her own death). If they owned the house as tenants in common, his half could be inherited by you rather than your mother. Your mother's half would still belong to her and pay her care fees.

However if they move into rented property, that's irrelevant, they would each be considered to have 50% of the sale proceeds so only her 50% would be used for her care.
 

Blackbird Singing

New member
Nov 30, 2019
4
0
Cranbrook
Hi,
I'm so glad I have found this tread!
I'm very new to all of this and would welcome all advice in any shape or form.

I am searching in my mind as to what is the right choice for my Mum & Dad. My Mum has early stage Alzheimers and my Dad is struggling with hip problems and his own mental issues. Do we move them to a retirement flat with level access, Careline and social activities or will this disturb my Mum too much. She currently doesn't have problems with direction and getting around but I worry moving her, even 1 mile down the road may trigger problems.
I live 40minutes away and am the only family member to help them.
Their current flat is not well equipped for my Dad and his hip issues. If they stay put, we would need to refit the bathroom.

I would welcome any experiences. Thank you
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
It's difficult to say without knowing more about the situation, but from what you've said I think it would be better to stay put and alter the flat to suit your dad. Neither solution will be perfect, but staying put will probably less aggravation and less expensive. It is quite likely your mother would be disorientated by the move.

I suspect whichever they do, you will end up thinking it was the wrong thing - "if only we'd done that" - but that is a recurring theme with dementia. I always felt I was doing the wrong thing, and not enough of it. Sometimes there isn't really a 'right' thing, only a least worst.
 

Chrissie B

Registered User
Jan 15, 2019
97
0
North Yorkshire
I'm going the other way through recent experiences, but with compromise. Nearer the shops so dad doesn't have to drive sounds like an excellent idea since he probably wants to move so he can give up driving if he feels unsafe to drive. I know you are willing to take them, go shopping, but it's really not the same as hey, I fancy a little snack, but I don't want to bother my kids. I can't think of one single person here who would want to ask for basic help rather than be able to manage to do things on their own.
The compromise I suggest is to look at warden controlled flats which are within walking distance of at least one food shop.
They would still be living independently, but if your mum does get worse, your dad will have support when he needs it most, and from the sounds of it, they are both keen to move right now. My mother was keen at one stage to move into one, but I couldn't get into one in the town I live in, and she lives on her own, there weren't any available. By the time it was possible, it was too late to move her into one, and she no longer wanted to move. Doesn't matter how many adjustments you make in the place they live, there are always going to be more, and my mother who has lived in her house for nearly 20 years can no longer find the toilet anyway, she often asks when she can go home anyway, I have just had to move my mother downstairs because it's becoming increasingly difficult to get her to use the chair life, as it sometimes scares her even though she used it everyday until very recently, when it really doesn't seem to be helping. Moving a bed downstairs is going to be just as stressful for her, but she won't even understand why it has to happen anymore.
See if you can get their name down asap, if your mum gets diagnosed with memory problems, there is a good chance they will get some kind of help with extra costs of living in a warden controlled flat, but there is usually a waiting list anyway, plus, there is a good chance there will be someone else with similar problems in one of the other flats, and that will be a great help to your dad if your mum does get worse, even if it's to swap notes, like they do on this forum.
 

Blackbird Singing

New member
Nov 30, 2019
4
0
Cranbrook
It's difficult to say without knowing more about the situation, but from what you've said I think it would be better to stay put and alter the flat to suit your dad. Neither solution will be perfect, but staying put will probably less aggravation and less expensive. It is quite likely your mother would be disorientated by the move.

I suspect whichever they do, you will end up thinking it was the wrong thing - "if only we'd done that" - but that is a recurring theme with dementia. I always felt I was doing the wrong thing, and not enough of it. Sometimes there isn't really a 'right' thing, only a least worst.
Thank you so much for your reply, I really do value it. Kind Regards
 

Blackbird Singing

New member
Nov 30, 2019
4
0
Cranbrook
I'm going the other way through recent experiences, but with compromise. Nearer the shops so dad doesn't have to drive sounds like an excellent idea since he probably wants to move so he can give up driving if he feels unsafe to drive. I know you are willing to take them, go shopping, but it's really not the same as hey, I fancy a little snack, but I don't want to bother my kids. I can't think of one single person here who would want to ask for basic help rather than be able to manage to do things on their own.
The compromise I suggest is to look at warden controlled flats which are within walking distance of at least one food shop.
They would still be living independently, but if your mum does get worse, your dad will have support when he needs it most, and from the sounds of it, they are both keen to move right now. My mother was keen at one stage to move into one, but I couldn't get into one in the town I live in, and she lives on her own, there weren't any available. By the time it was possible, it was too late to move her into one, and she no longer wanted to move. Doesn't matter how many adjustments you make in the place they live, there are always going to be more, and my mother who has lived in her house for nearly 20 years can no longer find the toilet anyway, she often asks when she can go home anyway, I have just had to move my mother downstairs because it's becoming increasingly difficult to get her to use the chair life, as it sometimes scares her even though she used it everyday until very recently, when it really doesn't seem to be helping. Moving a bed downstairs is going to be just as stressful for her, but she won't even understand why it has to happen anymore.
See if you can get their name down asap, if your mum gets diagnosed with memory problems, there is a good chance they will get some kind of help with extra costs of living in a warden controlled flat, but there is usually a waiting list anyway, plus, there is a good chance there will be someone else with similar problems in one of the other flats, and that will be a great help to your dad if your mum does get worse, even if it's to swap notes, like they do on this forum.
Thank you so much for your views. I feel I'm on a seesaw with thoughts but appreciate everyones experiences. Kind Regards
 

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