Advice for parent whos thinking of moving

[scoobydoo2]

Hi,

I am hoping someone can give me some advice on my parents. There are both in the 80s.

My mothers mental health has been deteriorating over the past few years. Her short term memory is becoming very poor. Long term memory seems fine. She is nasty to my dad, accuses him of stealing from her and he struggles to cope with her sometimes. They are both very self sufficient, my dad still drives although how much longer for I am not sure. They can cook and wash themselves, do the laundry, the weekly shop etc.
We are waiting for my Mum to be assessed at the memory clinic so we know how to manage the condition. Also we need to come up with a plan for my father so he doesn't have a breakdown and give him the support he needs.

The live about 1 mile from the shops and amenities. They say they would like to live closer to everything which I understand though I'm not sure they have enough money to move anywhere nice.

My concern is is it worth all the stress of moving, especially with the deteriorating health of my my mother ? Two of the siblings live within a mile of them and can help where necessary.

In my mind moving in your eighties when you have possible dementia just to be a bit closer to the shops sounds like a bad idea, especially when you have lived there for nearly 40 years. There is a lot of disagreement within the family, I just think we should concentrate on managing my mums condition and helping my dad rather than going through the stress of moving them down the road.

I really appreciate your thoughts !

Many thanks in advance.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @scoobydoo2 you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

If someone has dementia moving can be unsettling and detrimental so it has to be balanced against the benefits. It can go well but the way you write seems to imply that there will be little or no benefit. Others may be along later with the benefit of their experience of this.

Do take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area if a diagnosis is given. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.

 

[Jessbow]

I think the chaos that moving would bring would out weight the benefits.

Presumably dad worried that a mile will be too far when he cannot drive...…

Sell the car = x£
Insurance cost saved = x£ p/a
Tax cost saved =p/a
Mot + repair costssaved = x£

= quite a lot of money to be used for taxi when the time comes

 

[scoobydoo2]

Thanks for the feedback. I think the benefits of staying outweight the benefits of moving. There are issues to sort like damp, maintenance of garden etc but think moving them at such an old age especially with my mums deteriorating mental health isn't a great idea. The housing market is really slow where they live at the moment so they would have to take a real low offer anyway and don't want them to spend every last penny they have just to live a bit closer to the shops and doctors. I calculated just selling my dads car would give him 430 trips to the village and back ! They needed to of moved years ago !

 

[Sarasa]

This is a tricky one, but I think, specially with family close by moving to be nearer shops isn't worth the hassle. Six years ago I moved from being 15 minutes drive from my mum to an hour and a half away by public transport. At the time there were some concerns about her health, but these were mainly due to get poor eyesight. My brother wanted her to move nearer one of us but I wasn't sure. Her place was near shops etc and she had a good network of friends. Six years later I wish in some ways I had agreed . She is struggling to cope and we neither of us can get there easily in an emergency., so now we are looking to move her. I think wait a while and then maybe explore care homes , extra care housing etc when it becomes necessary.
Btw as @Jessbow ssys not having a car has freed up money for us to hire them when needed or get a taxi.

 

[Sirena]

I completely agree with all you have said, @scoobydoo2
I think it is very late in the day to move, and I doubt they would be any happier. My grandparents (who lived well into their 90s) lived a mile from shops/station and gave up driving about ten years before they died. They switched to getting the bus instead which worked fine as it it stopped near the house so not too much walking (they could have afforded a taxi but my grandfather thought it was overly extravagant!) But in the last few years they couldn't walk further than the end of the driveway so shopping had to be brought to them.

My friends' parents moved three times in the last few years of their life but they were never happy, there was always something wrong with the property, neighbours, or the location. I think what was wrong was they hated being old and unwell, and her father had looming dementia. No amount of moving house would have fixed it.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @scoobydoo2
a warm welcome from me too
I agree that a move will probably simply raise more problems than it could solve
for a couple of years before his diagnosis and after, my dad would say he wanted to move, largely because of the hills (Pennines!) - we looked at a few places but he always had a reason why they were not suitable - really he was wanting to get away from what was happening to him and feel as though he had control over something
I was glad he didn't move as I was a 5 minute walk away and so when he needed care it was much easier for me, and therefore better for him

 

[scoobydoo2]

One of the main reasons I don't want them to move is the effect it could potentially have on her mental health (and that of my dad) and make it worsen if she is introduced to living in a new environment that shes not used to. I don't understand dementia enough to know if this is the case. Moving house is very stressful and my siblings both have to move in the next few years so just seems it would be best if they stay put and then review the situation depending on how worse my mum gets.

 

[canary]

One of the main reasons I don't want them to move is the effect it could potentially have on her mental health (and that of my dad) and make it worsen if she is introduced to living in a new environment that shes not used to. I don't understand dementia enough to know if this is the case. Moving house is very stressful and my siblings both have to move in the next few years so just seems it would be best if they stay put and then review the situation depending on how worse my mum gets.

I would agree entirely with this.

 

[Bunpoots]

I agree too @scoobydoo2. A move would be difficult and probably distressing.

 

[scoobydoo2]

Thank you for all your thoughts, really appreciate it. I really do think it makes sense for them to stay put.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Moving is considered one of the top 5 most stressful life events. The other 4 are death of a loved one, divorce, major illness and job loss. So to my mind, moving 3/4 of a mile to be nearer shops isn't worth it. You say you have 2 siblings who live a mile away so that should cover emergencies.

Moving is an enormous problem for a PWD. I moved my mother from British Columbia to Ontario (granted a huge distance) and it really did confuse her. Even little things, like the side of the sink the dish rack was on threw her off. I happened to put mine on the opposite side of where she she hers, and she kept moving it to the 'correct' side. Silly me, being completely brand new to this and Mum not being diagnosed yet, stupidly kept moving it back. If I could change that, I would. It's one of those little things that saddens me now.

When she was angry with me, she said she would take a taxi home. The thought of that taxi cost boggles the mind.

 

[AliceA]

Is it about the shops or more about independence.
We are in our 80s. The sudden axing of services makes me consider but instantly dismiss a move.
I plan how and when but unexpected needs crop up.
I feel this pang when I need help and struggle with asking yet again.
Perhaps your parents are feeling more vulnerable and need more reassurance?
Not words but action, people say to me ask any time but then go on to say how busy they are!
How good it would be if they could say I am free on xxxx.
We have moved a lot but now? No, not a good idea.
Even moving things around is a problem.

 

[scoobydoo2]

I think my Dad wants to move more than my mum, he would like to walk to get a paper etc. They want independance and ability to shop although they are not very social. They are very self sufficient for a couple in their 80s. I need to find out if my dad still wants to continue to drive, he still does the weekly shop which he likes doing as it gets him out of the house. I have offered to setup an internet weekly shop but they didn't want that whilst my dad can drive.

Their house does need work, it has always suffered with damp and it would benefit from being updated as still has the original 70s bathroom etc. I have tried to convince them to put in a new bathroom and should of just done it years ago. Their garden is large, its lovely though and I could easily find a local gardener to maintain it if my dad is struggling. I started to replace the coal fired heating central system with infrared panels but my dad didn't let me finish the project which was a shame but at least the lounge was done and is easier to heat. All these things seem really trivial compared to the real issue of my mums mental health and we surely should address this issue before even considering a move. What I find frustrating is that the rest of the family disagrees with me and supports the idea of a move. Its more difficult for me as I live 200 miles away and lead a much busier life than them. I guess a family meeting is needed ! Again thanks for all the support !

 

[try again]

I am in a similar position with my 86 year old mum. She says the house is smaller (she lives downstairs now). There is some damp, the bathroom needs changing to a shower, two steps to go out which she finds hard (even with the grab rails). She has started to talk about either having to move or getting some work done. She has lived there for 35 years. When I show her properties on the web she always find fault and if I don't mention any she complains I'm not supporting her moving.
I think she should have moved 10 years ago and because of her mental decline don't know what to say for the best. She manages well in the house with me shopping and taking her to medical appointments etc.
It's a shame there is no crystal ball to let us know what the future will be like.
At the moment I just go along with her thought on the day, though resent the time and effort looking into things that probably won't take off.

 

[Sirena]

Is there a bus your father could use, scoobydoo2? If not, he could take a taxi as others have suggested. I can understand he wants to continue to do things while he is still able to, but even if he stops driving he can still get to the shops one way or another. The state of the house is probably more of a problem than the distance from the shops. I agree moving is a not a good idea but your dad has capacity to decide so it's his choice.

My grandparents thought about moving when they were in their 70s (20 years before they died) - the idea was to move to a flat nearer the shops, level access, and no garden. They both loved their garden though, and were fit and healthy, and decided to stay put. It is always difficult to know when the right moment is, until it's too late.

 

[scoobydoo2]

There are no buses but there is a taxi that does a round trip for a fiver with a 15 minute wait, so if he sold his car he would have plenty to spend on taxis. My sister lives round the corner (for now) so can give him lifts I would hope. My siblings are saying may parents feel isolated too but I don't know what they mean, I need to speak to my Mum n Dad and have a proper chat. We can easily upgrade and fix up the house especially the damp. My parents garden is beautiful and my mum enjoys sitting in the conservatory looking at the birds in the garden. The only house in budget at the moment has a postage stamp size garden which you can only see from a bedroom and is still probably half a mile walk to the village up a hill so would not be worth the hassle of moving to IMO.

 

[Flavelle]

Hey scoobydoo, My parents have Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. I moved them both (sold theirs and my n my kid’s home) to move us all in together. I did this 18 months ago when one was 91 and the other 83 and don’t regret it. Mum, though older and frailer had more capacity and was fairly keen to do the move. So, in my experience it’s good to let the one with the firmer grip on reality guide the change. Yep it was hard, Dad was pretty horrid, but he’s slightly less so now. He still gets his whereabouts wrong but,you know, now he thinks he lives in a house he lived in about 25 years ago...not the previous one they lived in for 15 years! Anyway I’d vote move...I’m glad we did, however they were losing independence and so was I....tricky!

 

[Sirena]

There are no buses but there is a taxi that does a round trip for a fiver with a 15 minute wait, so if he sold his car he would have plenty to spend on taxis. My sister lives round the corner (for now) so can give him lifts I would hope. My siblings are saying may parents feel isolated too but I don't know what they mean, I need to speak to my Mum n Dad and have a proper chat. We can easily upgrade and fix up the house especially the damp. My parents garden is beautiful and my mum enjoys sitting in the conservatory looking at the birds in the garden. The only house in budget at the moment has a postage stamp size garden which you can only see from a bedroom and is still probably half a mile walk to the village up a hill so would not be worth the hassle of moving to IMO.

I think if the main point is to be 'near the shops' they have to be within five minute walk, otherwise it's just moving for the sake of it. And you do have to think of the disbenefits too (like lack of garden) if your mother is still getting pleasure from that. Best to have a chat with your dad and see what he thinks the real issues are.

 

[canary]

Sometimes the issue is that the person who wants to move thinks that it will solve the problems that are actually caused by dementia and they do not realise that they will simply take the problems with them.