Dad keeps losing money

[Pastywife]

Dad is staying with us for a few days as Mum needs respite (but refuses all external agency support!)#My husband is brilliant and Dad, on the whole has had a nice time.

Today is my birthday; Dad woke me up at 3am asking where his money was (we had hidden together in a pot in the kitchen as he had drawn out £700 and it was sitting in his wallet!) Dad woke me every 30 minutes or so until I gave up and got up properly at 6:30.

So far today:

1. I've been accused of keeping his money from him (I've tried to explain that I'm doing this for his safety as it's not good to have that amount of money when he's out and about. He's even tried to bargain with me, telling that he'll give me half if I let him have it!!
2. He has told me that I'm not his daughter and I shouldn't "have all this power over him"

I'm knackered! (although pleased that Mum is getting a rest) Husband is amazing as he's taken Dad out or a few hours this morning, but I couldn't go back to sleep (stress)

This is the worse stage, he can be quite good sometimes, but is often confused, and doesn't know what's going on.......rant over!!!

xxx

 

[Pouli]

Dad is staying with us for a few days as Mum needs respite (but refuses all external agency support!)#My husband is brilliant and Dad, on the whole has had a nice time.

Today is my birthday; Dad woke me up at 3am asking where his money was (we had hidden together in a pot in the kitchen as he had drawn out £700 and it was sitting in his wallet!) Dad woke me every 30 minutes or so until I gave up and got up properly at 6:30.

So far today:

1. I've been accused of keeping his money from him (I've tried to explain that I'm doing this for his safety as it's not good to have that amount of money when he's out and about. He's even tried to bargain with me, telling that he'll give me half if I let him have it!!
2. He has told me that I'm not his daughter and I shouldn't "have all this power over him"

I'm knackered! (although pleased that Mum is getting a rest) Husband is amazing as he's taken Dad out or a few hours this morning, but I couldn't go back to sleep (stress)

This is the worse stage, he can be quite good sometimes, but is often confused, and doesn't know what's going on.......rant over!!!

xxx

 

[Pouli]

My husband also requests money, but I've managed to convince him that having large sums of money in his pocket is not fair to the carers who come in. I have given him £30 and this satisfies him that he has enough for the bus or a taxi, though he is, in fact, confined to bed. This money is in tenners and has been through the washing machine twice (I'm a money launderer!!). He tucks it away in various places about his person, so it's fortunate the notes are washable. It might be worth letting your father have some cash in his pocket. My carers are well aware of this, and discreetly check all his clothing when they change it. Each patient is different, and we all have try and find solutions by hit and miss.

 

[Sirena]

That must be stressful for you, especially so now that you're trying to get through the day on hardly any sleep. Obsession with money seems to be very common in people with dementia.

I suspect he is a bit more discombobulated than usual because he's not at home. Could you leave some of his money with him? I doubt he knows how much he took out, and if he's got £50 it may pacify him. If you can avoid it in future, I wouldn't get into a discussion about how much he's taken out and the fact you are keeping it safe, as then it does appear to him you're 'keeping it from him'. Good luck for the next few days!

 

[Pastywife]

That must be stressful for you, especially so now that you're trying to get through the day on hardly any sleep. Obsession with money seems to be very common in people with dementia.

I suspect he is a bit more discombobulated than usual because he's not at home. Could you leave some of his money with him? I doubt he knows how much he took out, and if he's got £50 it may pacify him. If you can avoid it in future, I wouldn't get into a discussion about how much he's taken out and the fact you are keeping it safe, as then it does appear to him you're 'keeping it from him'. Good luck for the next few days!

I always try and get him to keep a bit in his wallet (which also goes missing regularly) but he

 

[Pastywife]

That must be stressful for you, especially so now that you're trying to get through the day on hardly any sleep. Obsession with money seems to be very common in people with dementia.

I suspect he is a bit more discombobulated than usual because he's not at home. Could you leave some of his money with him? I doubt he knows how much he took out, and if he's got £50 it may pacify him. If you can avoid it in future, I wouldn't get into a discussion about how much he's taken out and the fact you are keeping it safe, as then it does appear to him you're 'keeping it from him'. Good luck for the next few days!

We also encourage him to keep a bit in his wallet (which also goes missing) but this is a larger amount that just isn't safe with him. He thinks I'm going to keep it; I'm on the verge of giving him and letting him have it now, but really concerned that he'll lose it, along with all the other money that has gone missing recently..... wits end........

 

[Pastywife]

That must be stressful for you, especially so now that you're trying to get through the day on hardly any sleep. Obsession with money seems to be very common in people with dementia.

I suspect he is a bit more discombobulated than usual because he's not at home. Could you leave some of his money with him? I doubt he knows how much he took out, and if he's got £50 it may pacify him. If you can avoid it in future, I wouldn't get into a discussion about how much he's taken out and the fact you are keeping it safe, as then it does appear to him you're 'keeping it from him'. Good luck for the next few days!

Good advice, thanks. x

 

[Prudencecat]

My mum went through a stage of being obsessed with money despite not going out she wanted large sums of money. As I went to the bank for her she saw me as controlling her money and still thinks I get half of her pension. At the height of her obsession she was telling people that I had been stealing her money and was locked up in jail. Luckily this seems to have settled down and she rarely mentions money now.

 

[Sirena]

My mum went through a stage of being obsessed with money despite not going out she wanted large sums of money. As I went to the bank for her she saw me as controlling her money and still thinks I get half of her pension. At the height of her obsession she was telling people that I had been stealing her money and was locked up in jail. Luckily this seems to have settled down and she rarely mentions money now.

That reminded me of a conversation I heard in my mother's care home last year where a new resident was telling a member of staff that his son had stolen all his money. The carer nodded sympathetically and told him he'd sort it out. My mother's version of this is always "I haven't got any money" because now she's in the care home she never encounters any. We tell her not to worry, she doesn't have to pay for anything (she does).

 

[Fullticket]

I was accused of all sorts of things when looking after my mum - taking her mother away (!), getting rid of the dog (what dog?), stealing her money, all sorts. At first it was awful but you learn to deal with it - I dealt with it with black humour which was rewarded after mum had a fall in the night and, to be on the safe side, we took her to A&E for a check up. She didn't realise I was standing just the other side of the curtain as a nurse was taking some bloods and chatting with her. Asked if she lived with her daughter, she responded: 'When I was young my dad told me what to do, when I got married my husband told me what to do and now my daughter is telling me what to do. There's no peace.'
Money wise, carry on doing what you are doing would be my advice. Before we moved her in with us amounts of money were going missing from mum's account. We eventually discovered that some local travellers were calling on her, doing 'jobs' for her and she was being taken to the bank to take out money. PWD can't help it, they just trust too many people and also blame those they are close to. After we moved her in with us we found that the need for money gradually disappeared - I always made sure she had some in her purse but a small amount so that if it disappeared, there was no panic.

 

[canary]

Mum was another one who seemed to be constantly losing mony, saying that she didnt have any and taking large sums out og her bank accounts. After she moved into her care home I found huge caches of notes hidden around the house (mostly in her knicker drawer) where she had put the money "away safely" and forgotten it. She was obsessed with the thought that people were coming into her home and stealing things so she put valuables in places where they wouldnt find them

 

[Helly68]

My Aunt did this too. We found biscuit tins full of notes, and indeed left over dinners (oh dear) when we cleared out her flat.

 

[Witzend]

My FiL would hide money all over the place. Inside or in between books on shelves were favourites - and we have an awful lot of books. My husband once made the mistake of giving him the £50 someone had paid as the deposit for his car, which he was selling.
He hid it, and of course forgot where, and went mad until we eventually found it, after ransacking the house for hours. At one point post midnight he was yelling, 'I - go - crazy!!!' (as if it was our fault) and I well remember yelling back, 'We're going bl**dy crazy, too!!!'

A colleague of mine found over £2000 stashed away inside or in between newspapers and magazines, of which there were many piles, in the flat of an old uncle with dementia, after he died.
Moral - search absolutely everything that could,possibly serve as a 'container' before throwing out. Books, magazines, old shoes, cornflakes packets, etc. etc.

 

[Bunpoots]

I hope your mum has control of the money!!!

We were accused of stealing dad’s money, his watch and even his underpants ...in fact anything and everything he’d misplaced .

Eventually I found the easiest solution was to ask dad if he needed me to fetch him some money then slip enough into his wallet to allow him to take us out for a meal and put the rest in a separate compartment in my purse.

He’d often forget to pay for things so having the money on me saved embarrassment for him...

 

[myss]

I suspect he is a bit more discombobulated than usual because he's not at home. Could you leave some of his money with him? I doubt he knows how much he took out, and if he's got £50 it may pacify him. If you can avoid it in future, I wouldn't get into a discussion about how much he's taken out and the fact you are keeping it safe, as then it does appear to him you're 'keeping it from him'. Good luck for the next few days!

Hi @Pastywife Happy belated birthday to you! I hope you were able to spend some or the remainder of your day doing something lovely for you.

Sirena's suggestion is something we did with my dad. We only knew about these 'monies' when he brought back home by the police at what-a-clock in the morning and they looked in his wallet to get his address and found £100's in there. We were taking care of his bills so he had no need to be carrying so much at any time let alone in the middle of the night on his own.

We then started looking round his house looking for one set of money he did remembered and came across four sets of monies worth of about £2000. Unbelievable.

He wasn't so demanding on the money as your dad but he did repetitively questioned when his wallet was, his bus pass (which was always in the wallet) and how much he should have in it. We put a few notes just to calm him and that worked....... until he lost the wallet again but by that point, he then took on to a pocket diary and hasn't missed the wallet at all. Whenever dad went out, one of us was with him so he had no need to have money to pay for anything.

 

[Jendacot]

My mum went through a stage of being obsessed with money despite not going out she wanted large sums of money. As I went to the bank for her she saw me as controlling her money and still thinks I get half of her pension. At the height of her obsession she was telling people that I had been stealing her money and was locked up in jail. Luckily this seems to have settled down and she rarely mentions money now.

I am so thankful to hear this, as I get daily calls from Dad who is obsessed with money and going to the bank.

 

[jonnieboy255]

My father is constantly asking about his money, "where is it and where does it come from, I can't see it, have not seen it in years" are often things he asks. I have LPA for his finances and have POA organised with his bank. I have told him about this, but I know he doesn't remember it. It is so difficult to have these discussions with him. I know he talks to my other siblings with suspicion about this sometimes, so far only once to me about it not being right. And that he is capable to manage his money. I really feel for him, where money matters are concerned there's like a piece of his mental jigsaw puzzle that's just completely missing regards money/numbers. Currently really calm conversation with loads of patience is really paying off.

When I applied for POA with his bank. It surprised me that they couldn't put any limits in place in what he could withdraw. Then they discussed with me, whether I would be taking his finances on full time or not. They have a policy which sounded like all or nothing (in the nothing state I can assist still, online banking is godsend). It turns out he has been visiting his local branch and having the aforementioned discussions with regards to his money, on more than one occasion. These often do not go well, he is confused and upset and then the staff member is equally put ill at ease. They were pushing me to take full responsibility. That will be a difficult conversation. At present I am trying to balance fighting for him and his agency/autonomy verses protecting him and his finances.

One of my colleagues, has similar issues with his father. He is house bound, so less mobile. A strategy that they use is fake money. Apparently this works quite well for them.

I don't think there are any easy answers with this illness. I know I am doing what I can for him and somewhere, some part of him knows that.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

My father is constantly asking about his money, "where is it and where does it come from, I can't see it, have not seen it in years" are often things he asks. I have LPA for his finances and have POA organised with his bank. I have told him about this, but I know he doesn't remember it. It is so difficult to have these discussions with him. I know he talks to my other siblings with suspicion about this sometimes, so far only once to me about it not being right. And that he is capable to manage his money. I really feel for him, where money matters are concerned there's like a piece of his mental jigsaw puzzle that's just completely missing regards money/numbers. Currently really calm conversation with loads of patience is really paying off.

When I applied for POA with his bank. It surprised me that they couldn't put any limits in place in what he could withdraw. Then they discussed with me, whether I would be taking his finances on full time or not. They have a policy which sounded like all or nothing (in the nothing state I can assist still, online banking is godsend). It turns out he has been visiting his local branch and having the aforementioned discussions with regards to his money, on more than one occasion. These often do not go well, he is confused and upset and then the staff member is equally put ill at ease. They were pushing me to take full responsibility. That will be a difficult conversation. At present I am trying to balance fighting for him and his agency/autonomy verses protecting him and his finances.

One of my colleagues, has similar issues with his father. He is house bound, so less mobile. A strategy that they use is fake money. Apparently this works quite well for them.

I don't think there are any easy answers with this illness. I know I am doing what I can for him and somewhere, some part of him knows that.

If you have POA for finances then take control of the situation as otherwise your PWD is at risk of being scammed by someone going door to door. Mum frequently gave money over for work never done! social services deemed her capable but hey just cause you know who the prime minister is doesn’t mean you are financially capable of paying bills etc.
good luck
X

 

[canary]

As people with dementia lose understanding of money, all they can comprehend is cash in hand. If they dont have money in their pocket then they cannt understand that they have money in the bank. If they cant hold it in their hand then they often do not believe that they have any.

Mind you, giving them cash is not a good idea either as they give it away, hide it or even bin it. I used to give mum fake money which appeased her and someone on here gets real 10 bob notes off ebay very cheaply and gives them that.

 

[TNJJ]

If you have POA for finances then take control of the situation as otherwise your PWD is at risk of being scammed by someone going door to door. Mum frequently gave money over for work never done! social services deemed her capable but hey just cause you know who the prime minister is doesn’t mean you are financially capable of paying bills etc.
good luck
X

I shouldn’t laugh but that gave me a giggle. Having similar conversation with dad today.(He doesn’t have capacity in that area)