Hi, I’m new to this

[Sara J]

My Mum has dementia she has for some years now, but she is now in a dementia unit in a care home. I have two older sister’s & a niece, who live locally to my Mum, who visit her regularly and have taken care of everything.

Basically I have not been able to come to terms with it, I have always been really close to my Mum and I have buried my head in the sand, made every excuse possible to avoid visiting her, how bad is that. My very eldest sister telling me when to visit her & putting pressure on me too hasn’t helped matters.

I suffer with anxiety and depression, I have been off work with my anxiety for several weeks. Yesterday was my Mum’s 81st Birthday, so I asked my sister to wish Mum a very Happy Birthday & to send my love & to tell my mum we would see her soon, which she did willingly and sent me a photo of my Mum with her cake and cards. I just broke down and sobbed, that wasn’t my Mum, she has deteriorated so much in a year.

Will I ever come to terms with it? How can I talk to my sisters about how I feel, when they have had to get on with it, (neither of them were particularly close to my Mum, my middle sister has been absolutely brilliant with my Mum though), I just don’t know what to do?

 

[marionq]

You know what you need to do I think which is why you have posted. You need to put your Mum first and go and visit her. Yes she has become old and ill but that is exactly why she needs you to buy her a wee treat - how about a chocolate egg - and go in and laugh and joke with her and tell her you love her.

Your sisters have been faithful in their support and now it is your turn.

Best wishes.

 

[nae sporran]

Welcome to TP Sara J. As someone who suffers with anxiety and depression I know how hard that can be and sympathise with your struggles. It's good that your sister is able to visit and your mum is in safe hands at her care home.
Have you had any treatment for your own health, I know counselling helped me to deal with some of the reasons for depression and CBT helps a fair bit with the anxiety. The referral on both counts was made by my GP. I'm tempted to add the Samaritans and the dementia helpline, but don't want to overwhelm you when existing problems are being compounded by anticipatory grief.
Anyway, you will find support and advice here so stick with us.

 

[charlie10]

welcome to the forum @Sara J ......I'm so sorry you are struggling with seeing your mum, this must be compounding the grief you feel about her illness. Could you perhaps visit mum with a small treat as marionq suggested and maybe go with one of your sisters? That way you can share your mum with her and get used to each other again without pressure. Nae sporran's suggestion of counselling might be something for you to try too.....ask at CAB if they know of any. You've already taken the first step by acknowledging your difficulty on the forum.....the next step will follow if you let it. And could you show your sisters your post.....then they might understand a little of what you are feeling, and open up a conversation. Take care, x

 

[starryuk]

Some things are just so hard to face up to, aren't they. I think, if it were me, I would need someone to go in with me at first. Perhaps you could arrange for one of your sisters to take you.

You are obviously feeling very bad/guilty about it all so visiting would lift that burden off your shoulders and help you come to terms with your 'new' mum.

With me, after a while, I just accepted my mum as she was and felt joy in the smiles she gave me and watching her eyes light up when she saw me. (even though she sometimes thought I was her sister or mother!!)

Please, grit your teeth and do it. You will feel so much better.

...and good luck. It won't be as bad as you fear....

 

[Sirena]

By avoiding it so long you have built it into an ever bigger issue so that it feels like an impossible mountain to climb (I sympathise, I've done the same myself in the past). But I think you will find that visiting will help you come to terms with it. So bite the bullet, it really won't be as bad as you think. My mother has been in a care home for a year and for the first few months I found visiting her quite traumatising, partly because of her deterioration but also because of the environment. I always went with my OH to begin with, but I'm happy to go on my own now. You do get used to it, but the only way to get to that point is to start visiting.

When you do go to see her - as I am sure you will - put on a cheerful face to mask your grief. Your mum will pick up on how you are feeling, and if you're upset she'll probably get upset too, so aim to be positive and upbeat even though that is not how you feel. Let us know how you get on.

 

[Chebs]

My Mum has dementia she has for some years now, but she is now in a dementia unit in a care home. I have two older sister’s & a niece, who live locally to my Mum, who visit her regularly and have taken care of everything.

Basically I have not been able to come to terms with it, I have always been really close to my Mum and I have buried my head in the sand, made every excuse possible to avoid visiting her, how bad is that. My very eldest sister telling me when to visit her & putting pressure on me too hasn’t helped matters.

I suffer with anxiety and depression, I have been off work with my anxiety for several weeks. Yesterday was my Mum’s 81st Birthday, so I asked my sister to wish Mum a very Happy Birthday & to send my love & to tell my mum we would see her soon, which she did willingly and sent me a photo of my Mum with her cake and cards. I just broke down and sobbed, that wasn’t my Mum, she has deteriorated so much in a year.

Will I ever come to terms with it? How can I talk to my sisters about how I feel, when they have had to get on with it, (neither of them were particularly close to my Mum, my middle sister has been absolutely brilliant with my Mum though), I just don’t know what to do?

 

[Chebs]

Hi SaraJ,
It makes me so sad to read yor post..I have Frontal Temporal Lobe Dementia and was given the news my diagnosis was terminal and looking at possibly 2-8yrs and do my "bucket list"...
That was in 2016 I was 56.
My MRI I had just before Xmas showned more shrinkage and it's progressing.
I can only imagine how hard this is for you, but putting that aside, she's your mum... If anything happens to her you'll never get the chance to put it right, GO AND SEE HER
My Family who doesn't see me on a regular basis, but says to my husband how different I am, but I'm still me!!!
Sara, remember the good times with your mum.. hope it goes well and let me know,I'll be waiting
Chin up
Chebsxx

 

[Bunpoots]

Hello @Chebs

You have put it so well. Over the years several of my family members have succumbed to dementia and although they have changed their behaviour and memories they have all essentially kept something of themselves.

I always stood by them although it was difficult at times. My brother and sister not so much. My family members were considerably older than you, I myself am not much younger, but it only takes a little empathy to understand what it must be like for the sufferer.

You have put it so eloquently. I hope it helps others to be more compassionate, difficult as it is when someone you love changes so much.

 

[Sara J]

Thank you to everyone for your support, I did go and visit my Mum yesterday with my husband for a couple of hours. I took some of her photos over & we looked through them, also her birthday present that I had made a cuddly dog comfort twiddle blanket as she loves her cuddly toys and animals & a dog duvet cover.

We went over and saw both my sisters and my niece. My middle sister, brother in law & niece were so understanding, we stayed all evening with them and had dinner. It turned out to be a perfect day, by the time we left I was really relaxed.

I seem to have come to terms with it all, I have just got to learn more about Alzheimer’s as I am quite ignorant about this awful disease.

 

[canary]

Well done @Sara J - that is a big hurdle you have overcome.

The Alzheimers Society have quite a range of factsheets here https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets and there is a wealth of information on this forum. It is where I found out about Alzheimers. Do have a mooch around, but please be aware that not everyone with dementia gets everything that you will read about, so dont get frightened that all these things will happen to your Mum

 

[Sirena]

Well done on visiting, I'm glad it has made you feel so much better. No you'll have the confidence to see her regularly and I'm sure your mum will be delighted. My mother loves her cuddly toys (has a collection of about 30 in her room - not all hers!) and that is what I've got her for her birthday next week even though it's coals to Newcastle.

 

[nae sporran]

Well done SaraJ, I'm pleased you had a good visit with your mum and your sisters. Stick around and you'll get plenty support and advice here, and from the fact sheets canary posted.

 

[Chebs]

Hi Saraj,
What can I say, I'm so proud of you..you have made my week reading that you had such an amazing time together with your family. keep up the contact with them and remember how you felt seeing everybody. I come from a medical background Sara and still I have a problem understanding this condition, "it" (I think) takes time.. Todays as good as it gets,tomorrow I'll be a little bit worse.
I hope this forum gives you somewhere to let off steam, we all need that sometimes.
Every best wishes for your family, especially your mum..
Chebs xx

 

[Chebs]

Hello @Chebs

You have put it so well. Over the years several of my family members have succumbed to dementia and although they have changed their behaviour and memories they have all essentially kept something of themselves.

I always stood by them although it was difficult at times. My brother and sister not so much. My family members were considerably older than you, I myself am not much younger, but it only takes a little empathy to understand what it must be like for the sufferer.

You have put it so eloquently. I hope it helps others to be more compassionate, difficult as it is when someone you love changes so much.

Hi Bunpoots,
Thank you for your comments, I think sometimes we all need help.. The world seems so taken up with computers,mobiles etc that the art of conversation and compassion for each other seems to be lacking... I use to work within the NHS and sometimes all a patient wanted was to be noticed and for someone to listen to them....it costs nothing.
Hopefully I helped in some small way as others have on here.
Take care Chebs xx

 

[charlie10]

yay @Sara J .....you did it! And you sound to have the support of a lovely family around you.....I'm so pleased for you, the first step is always the hardest

 

[Francy]

Oh Sarah, she's still your mum. She would never have abandoned you in your time of need. Your pain is immense as is your grief, I urge you don't waste any more time as it will not go away until you deal with it and the first step is see your mum, you will then know what other help you need. I have myself just learned about Anticipatory Grief and can relate it it, I think it would help you if you read up on it, it will give you much understanding of your feelings. Be brave Sarah you have more to gain than lose. I hope you find the help you need and can find a way through this, I wish you the strength you need to over come your fears. XXXX Francy