Mum was robbed

[Jaded'n'faded]

I've been lurking here for many years so I feel I know you all! I have learned so much from TP and always look here for help with my problems.

My story could be any of yours - mum has been in a care home for 2 years following a crisis. She has mixed dementia and I'd say she is at the late middle/heading towards late stage. On the whole I am very happy with the care she receives, however.... recently mum's jewellery has disappeared. There was a gold necklace with a small pendant and a chunky heavy gold bracelet. She wore these 2 items all the time, i.e. they were never taken off for bathing, etc. Mum is definitely not capable of removing either piece herself. Unfortunately this means that one of the staff has nicked them.

I have reported it, the place has been turned upside down, the manager is both sorry and sad that she has a member of staff she can't trust. I don't blame the CH - I don't see how things like this can be prevented and 'policy' is of course to remove any valuables yourself. I get that but it's mum's home not a prison and she liked wearing her jewellery. Obviously whoever took it would have done so while there were no witnesses so nothing can ever be proved - I don't even know exactly when the items went missing, as I only visit twice a week so it may have been a week or even more before I noticed. (She wears long sleeves/high necked tops so it wouldn't be obvious.)

I know care home staff are poorly paid and mum can be pretty unpleasant during personal care. It's easy to imagine someone thinking the theft was almost justified, merely 'payback' to that mean old woman. I know we will not get the jewellery back. (Sad for me - the bracelet matches my own necklace and was promised to me for many years!) But the worst thing is that I no longer trust any of the staff because I know one of them is the thief. Some have been extra nice to me ('Oooh, that's terrible! Who would do a thing like that?'), one said 'We think we know who it was,' and a couple have been a bit 'off' with me - I know the manager has questioned them all.

In the end, it is a small thing. But I can't help thinking that if someone could be callous enough to take advantage of an old lady with dementia, what else might they do while no one is watching?

 

[KathrynAnne]

Unfortunately the advice is never to take anything valuable into a care home. The usual reason is the pwd can easily lose them. When my Mum went into respite she lost a couple of rings but luckily they were found. One was in the plug hole of her sink and the other down the side of a chair. After that I made sure she didn’t wear any jewellery which was sad as, like your Mum, she always liked wearing it. It must be even more difficult for you though if the items have been stolen by one of the staff. Unless there is any proof though there’s little which can be done.

 

[Beate]

You need proof before you can"know" anything. Items become lost in a care home all the time, they don't all get stolen. Who's to say your mother didn't remove them herself and hid them somewhere? People with dementia are known to do that, and often they have more tenacity than you think. Maybe they were stolen, but please be very careful with sweeping accusations. Being poorly paid does not make someone a thief, and you don't want to start rumours like that. Valuable jewellery has no place in a care home, it's at your own risk, and it would have been better to replace it with costume jewellery. That said, I am sorry the jewellery has disappeared, and hope it turns up again.

 

[Louise7]

Is it possible another resident took it?

 

[Rosettastone57]

I've been lurking here for many years so I feel I know you all! I have learned so much from TP and always look here for help with my problems.

My story could be any of yours - mum has been in a care home for 2 years following a crisis. She has mixed dementia and I'd say she is at the late middle/heading towards late stage. On the whole I am very happy with the care she receives, however.... recently mum's jewellery has disappeared. There was a gold necklace with a small pendant and a chunky heavy gold bracelet. She wore these 2 items all the time, i.e. they were never taken off for bathing, etc. Mum is definitely not capable of removing either piece herself. Unfortunately this means that one of the staff has nicked them.

I have reported it, the place has been turned upside down, the manager is both sorry and sad that she has a member of staff she can't trust. I don't blame the CH - I don't see how things like this can be prevented and 'policy' is of course to remove any valuables yourself. I get that but it's mum's home not a prison and she liked wearing her jewellery. Obviously whoever took it would have done so while there were no witnesses so nothing can ever be proved - I don't even know exactly when the items went missing, as I only visit twice a week so it may have been a week or even more before I noticed. (She wears long sleeves/high necked tops so it wouldn't be obvious.)

I know care home staff are poorly paid and mum can be pretty unpleasant during personal care. It's easy to imagine someone thinking the theft was almost justified, merely 'payback' to that mean old woman. I know we will not get the jewellery back. (Sad for me - the bracelet matches my own necklace and was promised to me for many years!) But the worst thing is that I no longer trust any of the staff because I know one of them is the thief. Some have been extra nice to me ('Oooh, that's terrible! Who would do a thing like that?'), one said 'We think we know who it was,' and a couple have been a bit 'off' with me - I know the manager has questioned them all.

In the end, it is a small thing. But I can't help thinking that if someone could be callous enough to take advantage of an old lady with dementia, what else might they do while no one is watching?

It clearly isn't a small thing to you,otherwise you wouldn't have posted. This is clearly a difficult situation but when my mother-in-law was in a care home all sorts of things of hers went missing and some were never found. Admittedly this was never jewellery as I wouldn't have allowed my mother-in-law to take in expensive jewellery in the first place. When my husband and I visited homes and decided on this particular one one of the first things we were told was not to bring any valuables. As other posters have said is it possible another resident has taken it? in my mother-in-law's home they were often residents wandering around and had to be pulled out of other people's rooms

 

[Duggies-girl]

I think you will just have to write it off. It could be anywhere and may still turn up.

You can't blame staff because you don't really know what happened to it.Dad is in hospital and he has lost his cardigan this week and that is on a hospital ward. I certainly do not suspect the staff of nicking it. I took his wallet home earlier just to avoid any embarrassment if it disappeared and I think the staff have enough to worry about.

I think it is just as likely that the jewellery could be with another resident.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

You need proof before you can"know" anything. Items become lost in a care home all the time, they don't all get stolen. Who's to say your mother didn't remove them herself and hid them somewhere? People with dementia are known to do that, and often they have more tenacity than you think. Maybe they were stolen, but please be very careful with sweeping accusations. Being poorly paid does not make someone a thief, and you don't want to start rumours like that. Valuable jewellery has no place in a care home, it's at your own risk, and it would have been better to replace it with costume jewellery. That said, I am sorry the jewellery has disappeared, and hope it turns up again.

I'd love to believe it was lost or that mum took it off herself but she is way beyond that. Neither does she go near other residents.

I have not accused anyone or started any rumours, nor would I! Only a small number of (permanent) staff are involved in mum's personal care which is why the manager is so concerned. Regarding care home policy, I appreciate they would rather you remove valuables (as I said) and I have mum's wedding ring and earrings for safe-keeping. But I assume the policy is to prevent items getting lost rather than because they might be stolen. (I may be wrong about this!) I very much doubt mum's necklace and bracelet could be 'lost' because they both had very secure fastenings. (I know because I struggled to remove them last time she was in hospital.) In the unlikely event one was broken, it wouldn't explain why both disappeared at the same time. I'm afraid the only way those items came off mum is because someone took them off her
I'd like to keep an open mind and draw some other conclusion but I can't. Actually, I was more open-minded at first - the manager is definitely not but we both accept we will never know. I reported it because I thought it was important for the loss to be recorded, particularly if there was a previous pattern of things going missing. I did ask about this but the manager (understandably) was a bit vague. She said, 'Well, not jewellery, but...' So perhaps there is some history.

The jewellery really doesn't matter - if it did I would have removed it 2 years ago. It's more the thought that the person who did this (sorry @Beate ) but I really do believe it was theft) is still 'looking after' my mum that troubles me.

 

[Prudencecat]

Just a thought would it be worth having a look around or phoning any jewellers or places that sell second hand jewellery to see if you can track them down.

 

[TextintheCity]

This is so upsetting for you but sadly not an uncommon story. I've had to remove what was left of the few pieces of jewellery that my mother possesses due to the same issue. I have since bought her some dress jewellry from M&S which does give her some pleasure. My father was also robbed of cash when he went into a local stroke re-habilitation unit. He suspected a male nurse of taking the cash which he hid in his toiletries, however he refused to let me take it further. Someone also went internet clothes shopping spending £200 using his bank card. Fortunately the small local bank spotted it and stopped whoever it was from clearing his bank account. I did suspect his home help, but such matters are very difficult to prove. Also when clearing out his house after he passed away I noticed a few bits and pieces missing, an ornament that he liked and things like that. It's not so much the value of the few precious items that elderly people have, it's the thought that people are so cruel and greedy that they deliberately steal from the vulnerable, our kin, and pretend to be caring and helpful.

 

[Sirena]

I can see why you feel it was a member of staff, but I wouldn't be 100% sure. When someone has dementia you just don't know what they are able to do, they surprise you. I would not discount your mother being able to remove them, and then hide them or leave them in a communal area where another resident picked them up.

Also when clearing out his house after he passed away I noticed a few bits and pieces missing, an ornament that he liked and things like that. It's not so much the value of the few precious items that elderly people have, it's the thought that people are so cruel and greedy that they deliberately steal from the vulnerable, our kin, and pretend to be caring and helpful.

Possibly they were not stolen. A lot of things were missing from my mother's flat when I cleared it, including my gran's sapphire ring, and a watch and framed family photo her cousin gave her. However my mother had a phase of dumping possessions and sending them to charity shops, so these things could have gone then, or she could have hidden the jewelry so safely that I just never found it (and who would want an old family photo?). She had carers in for 18 months but it didn't occur to me they pilfered from her. By the nature of the disease, people with dementia do unpredictable and strange things.

 

[MaNaAk]

Just a thought would it be worth having a look around or phoning any jewellers or places that sell second hand jewellery to see if you can track them down.

Dear Jaded,

You could try Prudence's idea but that said when dad was first in the care home he wandered into other residents rooms at night. That said I don't think he took anything but it could be that another resident has you mum's jewellery.

MaNaAk

 

[Moggymad]

It is a sad fact that you just can't trust anyone 100pc. I regularily take in small bottles of perfume for my mum in her care home & in every case within a week or two the bottles have disappeared. They are not expensive but i still don't know why anyone would want them, other toiletries don't go missing. The latest one I have put in a drawer so will see what happens.

 

[myss]

I can see why you feel it was a member of staff, but I wouldn't be 100% sure. When someone has dementia you just don't know what they are able to do, they surprise you. I would not discount your mother being able to remove them, and then hide them or leave them in a communal area where another resident picked them up.



Possibly they were not stolen. A lot of things were missing from my mother's flat when I cleared it, including my gran's sapphire ring, and a watch and framed family photo her cousin gave her. However my mother had a phase of dumping possessions and sending them to charity shops, so these things could have gone then, or she could have hidden the jewelry so safely that I just never found it (and who would want an old family photo?). She had carers in for 18 months but it didn't occur to me they pilfered from her. By the nature of the disease, people with dementia do unpredictable and strange things.

Hi @Jaded'n'faded Glad to read that you felt to make a thread on here after lurking for so long!

I'm sorry to hear that some of your mum's jewellery is missing and presumingly taken by one of her carer's in the CH she's in. I do agree with Sirena's post and Beate's sentiments about the capabilities of a pwd.

My dad is in middle/late stages of his illness where he needs help with nearly everything he does or need to do, like dressing, walking, etc. However if there was ever a national competition for hide & seek items, he'll definitely be a medal contender.
We have found all manner of stuff hidden down sides of furniture and pushed in devices, etc after many days/weeks of them going missing. And nearly kicked off with the local Royal Mail delivery office about them not leaving a 'while you were out' card for a recorded delivery item, only to find the said card days later in a sock placed behind a picture stand...... Yeah.

And just this week, a family member found out that he had turned his large divan double bed 45 degrees from where it was. I have no idea where he got that strength from as this was done by a man who leans on others to walk around the house!

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Sadly although mum can still manage 'hide the slippers', it's a long time since she had the fine motor skills to put on/take off jewellery. Both the necklace and bracelet need two hands to undo the clasps and with a bracelet you only have one hand anyway. I don't doubt she could hide them but she really couldn't have taken them off in the first place.

It doesn't matter. Mum has forgotten it and I can take her some new stuff. Just makes me sad such things happen, just as I was sad a year ago when another resident pushed mum over and she broke her hip. I'm feeling pretty down about the whole situation right now - this just seemed like one more thing I didn't need. One of the carers told me that when her nana died in hospital, her jewellery - chains, wedding and engagement rings - vanished before she arrived at the funeral home. I'm sure it's not uncommon, though mum was perhaps fortunate as she only lost dentures and all her clothes in hospital. What a world we live in

 

[rhubarbtree]

Hi Jaded,

I had property stolen in a care home and think I understand how you feel. (If you are interested I wrote about it in my post in "dealing with difficult situations" in members area).

It is such a shame that you could not leave you Mum with her jewellery - just a little sign of the woman she was. Makes me angry.

Have you reported the loss to the police?

When I reported to the police, the home had already given their account, (which was that I had probably lost it at the supermarket). I knew I had not because I would have noticed my handbag was too light. Once I had established that I had not lost it at the supermarket I got back on to the police, and luckily this time I got a supervisor who was very helpful. I kept using the word "stolen" and he changed it to something else. But to my mind even if I leave my purse on a wall in the street, if someone else picks it up and keeps it, it has been stolen. We agreed to differ on that. One thing he did say was that they get many reports of stolen items from care homes, from toiletries upwards. All I wanted was that the report should say "probably stolen at xxxx care home" and he agreed to that and it would be kept on record for future cross-referencing.

All the above seems pedantic but in a way it gave me closure and hopefully the home and staff will be more aware of security.

 

[MaNaAk]

Hi @Jaded'n'faded Glad to read that you felt to make a thread on here after lurking for so long!

I'm sorry to hear that some of your mum's jewellery is missing and presumingly taken by one of her carer's in the CH she's in. I do agree with Sirena's post and Beate's sentiments about the capabilities of a pwd.

My dad is in middle/late stages of his illness where he needs help with nearly everything he does or need to do, like dressing, walking, etc. However if there was ever a national competition for hide & seek items, he'll definitely be a medal contender.
We have found all manner of stuff hidden down sides of furniture and pushed in devices, etc after many days/weeks of them going missing. And nearly kicked off with the local Royal Mail delivery office about them not leaving a 'while you were out' card for a recorded delivery item, only to find the said card days later in a sock placed behind a picture stand...... Yeah.

And just this week, a family member found out that he had turned his large divan double bed 45 degrees from where it was. I have no idea where he got that strength from as this was done by a man who leans on others to walk around the house!

He sounds just like my dad!

MaNaAk

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

The 'no valuables' rule is not just to protect the property of residents. It also protects staff from false accusations or suspicions.

That's a good point.

 

[Chrissie B]

Of Topic, well kind of.
I'm not suggesting for one moment that you are wrong about the probability of staff taking your mum's jewelry Jaded, but I do hope my mum wasn't in the same home as her. I really did check all her items before taking her home again, and after I got home as well. She went into a care home for respite for 10 days so that I could have a break, and I bought her out again a bit earlier because the staff had to ring me to go up there nearly every day when my mum persistently caused a new level of problems for them, on a daily level.
Every day when I went into her room, I had to constantly remove from her, sometimes her room, and quite often her face as well, yet more pairs of spectacles. My poor mum who used to be the most honest person I ever knew, to the level that she once walked back downtown again to the Post Office because she had noticed when counting out her pension, that the girl behind the counter had given her £10 too much by accident and wanted to return the overpayment, had developed a stage of being a kleptomaniac. I would then duly go to any member of staff I could find, be it carer or cleaner and hand over said pairs of reading glasses, who to be fair didn't seem very impressed at these frequent gifts. I'm guessing they had better things to do at the time.
When I bought my mum home again, I employed live in help as an easier option so that I could keep my full-time job.
Every time I visited my mum she was very upset that she had no money, she cried, she claimed she couldn't eat at daycare, because she didn't have any money, (just pointing out here that her meals came out of the bill we paid, so she didn't need to pay for them.) However, I could understand that she had some insecurities and would put some notes in her purse every time I saw her, there was no way she was getting fobbed off with coins. I assumed when the notes disappeared that she either spent them on entering the raffle draws at the daycare, or she was hiding her money somewhere, and one day it would come to light again.
The latter was correct, and her live-in carer showed me that my mum must have been saving these notes up for some time because she had blocked the toilet up with them. The carer had managed to fish the money out, and was drying it off near the radiator for me to see.
I am certain you are probably right Jaded, and I imagine that you convinced on the grounds that you have suspicions of the person you think may have taken your mum's jewelry.
Do you think, however, just in case of a long shot, it might be possible to put up a photograph somewhere at the CH of your mum wearing the jewelry, with the jewelry on close up.
Perhaps a member of staff or one of the cleaners removed them one night from your mum, thinking that sleeping with them on might cause discomfort and in the case of a necklace could be dangerous. I don't know how meticulous your mum is at locking or even closing her door she is, but I seriously doubt my mum would have ever remembered which her bedroom is at the home, she can't even find the toilet in her own home now, and I fully suspect that most of the spectacles she purloined were not being worn by her residential colleagues when she took them.
Do you think that there might be just a tiny possibility that one of the other residents went into your mum's room one time and took the jewelry thinking it was theirs?
I would put a picture up just on the off-chance that one of them gets a visitor who says, "Well I never, I wonder who gave my aunt that lovely necklace, could have been ??? perhaps"

 

[Chrissie B]

Having said that, I think I would go for the butler. Apparently, they always do it.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Having said that, I think I would go for the butler. Apparently, they always do it.

Sadly most of the nearby residents are either bedbound, chair-bound or lacking the necessary cognitive function. None have the manual dexterity that would be required to remove the bracelet and necklace from mum's person. Neither piece could have been removed without undoing the extremely fiddly clasps.

Mum wanders at night herself and does go in other residents' rooms which is causing a certain amount of consternation. But the other residents don't! Mum has no memory of doing this the next day and I fully appreciate that some residents can be magpies and expert at acquiring and then hiding the property of others. But I think it's a bit of a stretch to think another resident could creep up on mum, undo both items then sneak off with them without her noticing. And she certainly wouldn't have let anyone take them willingly. Unless of course someone told her there was a new rule and that all jewellery must now be put in the office safe for safe keeping. Something like that would have worked...

I have no intention of taking it further. What it has made me realise is that our PWDs take their chances in a care home despite our best efforts because none of us know what happens when we are not there. And I'm talking about both staff and resident behaviour here!