Mum is ‘lost’ in care home

LucyJordan

Registered User
Jan 27, 2015
10
0
My mum went into a care home nearly a year ago. She is 82 with mixed dementia. On the whole it has gone well and the home is very good. However I worry that she is a bit ‘lost’. She is quite deafened but has always refused to wear hearing aids so she finds it hard to have a conversation with residents or staff. She is still very articulate but talks ‘at’ people incessantly with very little meaning. I can follow some of her thought processes as it is usually about her childhood home and school, but I have heard another resident say “we don’t know what you are talking about” and avoid her. Luckily mum didn’t hear this! She has (and has always) had obsessions and very little intrest in other people - she has always lived in her own world. She could never make friends and relied totally on my dad and her family for personal relationships. All of these traits are more obvious with the dementia. It’s like she is behind a glass wall, desperate to connect but unable to.

The one connection she briefly made was with another resident who is more advanced in dementia and non verbal but reacts with a smile when spoken to. Apparently mum would sit and just chat away. However that seems to have fizzled out. She is can be quite harsh and rude to other residents - she says they annoy her. She spends a lot of time I her room with the door locked including to eat her meals. I realise this is possibly a control mechanism.

I visit almost daily and take her out most weeks but beyond that I worry that she is lost as the staff simply do not have the time to sit with her for even a few minutes.

I know I am probably analysing this from my perspective/feelings but it is a worry.
 

ANITRAM

Registered User
Feb 2, 2019
28
0
My mum went into a care home nearly a year ago. She is 82 with mixed dementia. On the whole it has gone well and the home is very good. However I worry that she is a bit ‘lost’. She is quite deafened but has always refused to wear hearing aids so she finds it hard to have a conversation with residents or staff. She is still very articulate but talks ‘at’ people incessantly with very little meaning. I can follow some of her thought processes as it is usually about her childhood home and school, but I have heard another resident say “we don’t know what you are talking about” and avoid her. Luckily mum didn’t hear this! She has (and has always) had obsessions and very little intrest in other people - she has always lived in her own world. She could never make friends and relied totally on my dad and her family for personal relationships. All of these traits are more obvious with the dementia. It’s like she is behind a glass wall, desperate to connect but unable to.

The one connection she briefly made was with another resident who is more advanced in dementia and non verbal but reacts with a smile when spoken to. Apparently mum would sit and just chat away. However that seems to have fizzled out. She is can be quite harsh and rude to other residents - she says they annoy her. She spends a lot of time I her room with the door locked including to eat her meals. I realise this is possibly a control mechanism.

I visit almost daily and take her out most weeks but beyond that I worry that she is lost as the staff simply do not have the time to sit with her for even a few minutes.

I know I am probably analysing this from my perspective/feelings but it is a worry.


This is my first post on TP having been reading posts for almost five years . MIL has just moved into a care home following a marked deterioration in last six months . MIL has never really mixed with others and has always had a sharp tongue . Your post resonates with me so much as it’s exactly how I feel she is in the home . I left her today on her own in her room on the bed saying “ help me , help me “ . How can we help our loved ones to fit in a world that is so far removed from that they are used to ?
 

KathrynAnne

Registered User
Jun 6, 2018
269
0
South Yorkshire
The only thing I can think of is to try and get some befrienders to go into the CH and sit with your Mum. There are some voluntary organisations which do this or you can employ a care agency on a companionship basis. They would hopefully be able to tune into your Mum’s mood and encourage her to talk about her childhood. Other residents haven’t the capacity to do this and the staff are too busy to sit and chat on a 1 to 1 basis so it might be worth looking into.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,678
0
Midlands
My first thought was ''Does it bother her?''
You say she has never really had friends, she possibly isn't bothered at all.

I think sometimes these things bother us more than they do our PWD
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Hello @ANITRAM and welcome to Talking Point.

Your mum has only just moved into a care home, so she wont have settled yet. It takes a good couple of months for someone to settle and get used to relating to the carers instead of family, so give it time and dont despair yet. My mum thrived in her care home and joined in all the activities as long as she was able to, which I had not expected at all. Its often difficult to predict how people will react eventually.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
@LucyJordan - my first reaction was - have you always spent a lot of time with her since she has gone into her care home? If so, she may well be still looking to family for her relationships, because you are filling that need. Like @Jessbow I also wondered how much she is bothered by the lack of friends. If she is happy being in her room, then I would be inclined to leave her.
 

brambles

Registered User
Sep 22, 2014
257
0
NW England
@LucyJordan .I know how you feel. My mum has been in a residential home for six months now and has very little interaction with the other residents apart from eating her meals in the dining room and going occasionally ( with a lot of encouragement) to a concert in the lounge.
She will sit in the lounge if a family member is with her but not otherwise..
I wish she would try and join in, but she doesn't want to.
I have noticed, however, that there is very little conversation between the residents themselves. Weak voices, poor hearing, and the lack of anything new to say seem to limit their communications. When a carer comes in with a nice strong clear voice, a smile and a cup of tea they manage to exchange a few words, but that seems to be about it.
I know I should just let mum be solitary if thats what she wants, but as she cannot see to read and doesnt watch tv or listen to the radio any more I imagine her days must seem endless just sat in her room waiting for her next meal.
I know she is content and reasonably happy, so I guess I should be too.
 

LucyJordan

Registered User
Jan 27, 2015
10
0
Thank you all. It think there is merit in all your comments. I have wondered about a befriender and will look into local possibilities.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
as she cannot see to read and doesnt watch tv or listen to the radio any more I imagine her days must seem endless just sat in her room waiting for her next meal.
It would be like that for you and me, but it often doesnt seem to be like that for people with dementia.
It seems to me that as their brain power decreases time doesnt seem to have the same meaning.

Im glad she is content.
 

ANITRAM

Registered User
Feb 2, 2019
28
0
Hello @ANITRAM and welcome to Talking Point.

Your mum has only just moved into a care home, so she wont have settled yet. It takes a good couple of months for someone to settle and get used to relating to the carers instead of family, so give it time and dont despair yet. My mum thrived in her care home and joined in all the activities as long as she was able to, which I had not expected at all. Its often difficult to predict how people will react eventually.
Thank you for your reply . My MIL just seems so sad and empty . I spent many many hours talking to her and made her loads of photo albums of memories we all shared . She now shows little or no interest in them , can’t read or watch TV . She just seems tired all the time and wants to go to her room to sleep . It is hard to visit to be reminded how unhappy and lost she appears to be . Hopefully she will settle soon .
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
I was thinking the same as Jessbow. If your mother has never really been interested in other people, maybe she doesn't mind too much about being in her room alone. I don't tend to see the residents in my mother's CH talking to each other very much, most communication tends to be with carers or visitors. I hope the befriending works out.

@brambles, I used to think the same, my mother has been in a CH for a year, she is sociable but unable to focus or comprehend so cannot really join in (unless it's Music for Health - she loves joining in with that). There are other activities but she isn't interested in many of them, so she potters round the lounge and corridors chatting (incomprehensibly) to staff. She lives in 'now' so doesn't have a concept of days stretching out in front of her, and she seems to be content, which is the best I can hope for.
 
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Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
Especially earlier on, when my mother was first diagnosed and had moved to her care home, it was hard for me to come to grips with the difference in what I wanted for her (to be happy and do all the things she liked to do), and what she needed. It is challenging and often upsetting when we get to the stage where needs trump wants.

I had to learn to accept that content was the best we were going to get. The dementia didn't allow my mother to be happy in the sense that we experience in our lives. It turned out that content is better than I would have expected. It's still hard at times but nothing about this disease is easy. Just remember that the disease is to blame, not you!!
 

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