Hi, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here, five years ago probably since my mum first went into a care home. My mum sadly passed away last Sunday. We had a phone call to say she was quite poorly and that they had called the doctors. To which she added ‘you might want to be there when the doctors arrive’. She said the doctors were going there early evening. So I said to ring me when they arrive as my husband had to go to pick my daughter up. Within the hour, we had another phoecall to say she’d passed away. It all happened so quick. When we arrived, my mum was in the bed she’s been in fir the past three years. She looked peaceful, however her eyes were wide open staring into the room. I wasn’t alarmed by this as she didn’t look scary or anything. But I suppose I was shocked that they hadn’t shut her eyes. When I asked why her eyes were open the care home manager replied ‘some do some dont’. When I asked if she was alone when she died she replied. ‘Unfortunately yes’. I feel so guilty, that I misinterpreted the phonecall as being bad news and I was expecting the doctors to say she only has a week or so left. She died before the doctors arrived. I hate the thought of my mum dying alone staring into the room. There was nothing left of her in the end and she was so contracted, curled up in a little ball. Skin and bone, bedridden, morphine, ensure and whatever food they managed to feed her. I am so upset because I’m desperately trying to remember her before this hideous desease took her away from me 8 years ago. She died aged 88. I am hurt that I haven’t been able to converse with her in the past 4 years. Anne x
My beautiful kind gentle mum has gone
- Thread starter Louis
- Start date
I'm so sorry for your loss Anne,
I had a very similar experience just before Christmas. I got a phonecall from his care home saying could I accompany him to hospital. 15 mins later my dad was dead. I didn't get to his side... so I understand what a shock this is for you.
I also missed being able to talk to my dad in any meaningful way.
Take care of yourself now.
I had a very similar experience just before Christmas. I got a phonecall from his care home saying could I accompany him to hospital. 15 mins later my dad was dead. I didn't get to his side... so I understand what a shock this is for you.
I also missed being able to talk to my dad in any meaningful way.
Take care of yourself now.
I am so sorry for you, Anne. You are in shock, but gradually you will remember her how she was, little things she said will pop into your mind. Conversation is not a matter of words alone, your loving presence would have been speaking to her over the last silent years.
Many people die alone, it as if they cannot let go while people they love are there.
It is a tough time, holding you in prayer, Alice
Many people die alone, it as if they cannot let go while people they love are there.
It is a tough time, holding you in prayer, Alice
Thankyou Alice, I feel that the only people who understand are those that have lost loved ones with Alzheimer’s, as it a gradual loss over time, but still a shock when it’s final. Xx
Thinking of you at this sad time.
You were with your mum in spirit. Please don't feel bad about it. I too have heard many people say on this forum that their loved one passed when they were alone and it was almost as if that was meant. My mum was alone in her room in our house when she died and I was by my husband's side in hospital when he died. Neither is easy.
You will begin to remember your mum as she was in the days before dementia. Everything takes time and grief is a roller coaster - some good days some bad. Just remember that TP is here for you on both good and bad days. Keep posting.
Wishing you strength.
You were with your mum in spirit. Please don't feel bad about it. I too have heard many people say on this forum that their loved one passed when they were alone and it was almost as if that was meant. My mum was alone in her room in our house when she died and I was by my husband's side in hospital when he died. Neither is easy.
You will begin to remember your mum as she was in the days before dementia. Everything takes time and grief is a roller coaster - some good days some bad. Just remember that TP is here for you on both good and bad days. Keep posting.
Wishing you strength.
My condolences on your sad loss.
Keep posting, there is lots of understanding here and support as you move on.
Keep posting, there is lots of understanding here and support as you move on.
sad news @Louis
something we await but still find such a shock
your mum knew that you were with her every step along the way
I lost my dad on sunday and am sad I wasn't with him, though my sibling was … the last time I saw him he fell asleep and I had been holding his hand, he never really awoke after that; I believe my touch stayed with him - he knew I was always there for him and present whenever I could be …. that has to be enough for each of us
I found 3 photos, 2 of mum and dad in happy times (actually in one they were tiddly!) and one of dad recently in his beard (was always close shaved but he looked handsome) and I have them with me to look at - they have helped begin to put dad's life in perspective - might you try something similar
your mum is at peace; I hope you find your own peace also
something we await but still find such a shock
your mum knew that you were with her every step along the way
I lost my dad on sunday and am sad I wasn't with him, though my sibling was … the last time I saw him he fell asleep and I had been holding his hand, he never really awoke after that; I believe my touch stayed with him - he knew I was always there for him and present whenever I could be …. that has to be enough for each of us
I found 3 photos, 2 of mum and dad in happy times (actually in one they were tiddly!) and one of dad recently in his beard (was always close shaved but he looked handsome) and I have them with me to look at - they have helped begin to put dad's life in perspective - might you try something similar
your mum is at peace; I hope you find your own peace also
@Louis I'm sorry to hear your news about your mother. My mother was in a wheelchair for 10 years and hadn't spoken in several years before she died. I was surprised and grateful at how quickly the dementia memories and years were replaced by my memories of how she really was. Your real memories will come back.
Thank you Canadian Joanne. Some memories have come back to me today. One of which made me smile.x
Melles Belles, so sorry to hear about your dad. They are at peace, I know. It’s a horrible illness. I wish I could go back in time and walk around the park with my mum and my Kids like we used to. I’m sure you have lots of lovely memories too.
Take care, I wish you strength over the coming months.
Anne x
Take care, I wish you strength over the coming months.
Anne x
Thankyou Amy.
I will be ok in time. It’s a strange feeling between the death and the funeral. It’s almost like I feel ditatched from the real world.
Anne x
I will be ok in time. It’s a strange feeling between the death and the funeral. It’s almost like I feel ditatched from the real world.
Anne x
Oh, yes, Anne, I remember that feeling quite well. Something sort of surreal and at a distance. I always described it as feeling in a fog (emotional and physical). My aunt described it as "seeing the world through a shower curtain," where everything was a bit hazy and distorted. Time flows strangely and nothing seems right.
