Does it matter?

[katy66]

My mum who has vascular dementia has been in a care home since October.
She has settled in reasonably well and has made friends.
Today I had a phone call from one of the carer's to tell me of a concern.
Mum has made friends with a male resident. They hold hands and chat together and have the occasional kiss.

My thoughts are good for them. If they can find happiness in a confused world that must be a good thing?

Am I missing the point?

 

[Angela57]

Hi, my mum is in a home and a lady and gent behaved in the same way as your mum and her friend. However, other residents thought it disgusting, including my mum. I found it quite sweet. You dont appear to mind, but perhaps the male friends family might.

I would call the home to clarify exactly what their concerns are regarding mum and her friends behaviour, and how they think this should be handled.

 

[Beate]

I'd say it's sweet too but it might have to be monitored.

 

[Hazara8]

My mum who has vascular dementia has been in a care home since October.
She has settled in reasonably well and has made friends.
Today I had a phone call from one of the carer's to tell me of a concern.
Mum has made friends with a male resident. They hold hands and chat together and have the occasional kiss.

My thoughts are good for them. If they can find happiness in a confused world that must be a good thing?

Am I missing the point?

'Monitoring' as has been mentioned, is the prudent move. Dementia removes inhibitions, but not dignity and such feelings need to be seen in that way. Of course families must be kept in the picture. But one remembers that people living away from home with dementia, can be exceedingly
lonely in many ways, most of which is based on the manner in which dementia plays with the brain. You find 'friendships' in the Care Home and 'attachments',which have to be seen in the light of dementia and not from our perspective. However, if 'physical' happenings occur, then clearly that has to be addressed appropriately and handled sensitively. And no, you are not missing the point. Any moment of 'happiness' within the dementia environment has to be seen as an imperative and nurtured. So, 'monitoring' should enable things to take their course, without a need for anxiety.

 

[Kevinl]

Homes have to be careful, they have a duty of care to ensure vulnerable people aren't...taken advantage of and I don't mean just sexually necessarily, you may be happy with the situation but the man's relatives may not, then what happens? Your mum becomes the villain in their eyes.
If the other family or the other residents object to the relationship it puts the home in a difficult position specially if either of them has capacity issues.
I got a call from the home last week and one of the men had been seen putting his hand somewhere he shouldn't on my wife, that means the home have to contact social services safeguarding, then we all have to have a meeting at the home next week to discuss it.
My wife has no capacity and the man who touched her doesn't either, anyway she's in a size 10 inco pad which is a thick as your average duvet.
The bottom line is the home have to record the incident and the CQC will see that in the records, the man's family will be told that Dad's "sexually assaulted" a female resident which in the outside world is what happened, but my wife isn't aware of that and I don't think the man has a clue what he was doing so the only "losers" are the man's family being told dad's a sex offender which can't be too pleasant for them.
So the home may be overreacting but they have to consider where this could possibly go and what the implications could be for them as well as the safeguarding for the two people concerned.
K

 

[katy66]

Things have now gone too far - as some of you suspected that they would
the male resident is convinced that mum is his wife. he locked himself in my mum's room one night and was discovered naked. he was stroking mum - she did still have her pyjamas on and no-one knows what actually happened
the care home installed a beam alarm across mum's door to activate if movement during the night
unfortunately there was another occurrence - either the beam alarm didn't work or more likely wasn't turned on. this time they were both naked, don't know how far it went
the care home have now fitted a beam alarm to his doorway
the care home suggested moving the male resident to another room in a different corridor but his family have blocked this. his family don't want the relationship stopped.
I am happy for my mum to be moved to another room but the care home don't see this as an option?
my mum often looks for her husband and the carers have automatically assumed that she means this other resident, but I don't think so. she talks about her husband by name and she knows he is my dad, she has forgotten that he died and I obviously don't remind her
the male resident calls my mum "wife" and gets stroppy when anyone takes her somewhere without him
I and the carers are trying hard to discourage this friendship without being unkind, by occupying mum with something or someone else but his family take them back together
I am currently visiting the care home every day as I am concerned about all this
mum is not very happy but is not able to tell me why so I think she is probably picking up on the fact that something is wrong
I have had many meetings with the manager but so far no real progress is being made
I don't really think that moving one or other of them to a different room is really going to help as they both spend most of the day in the same common room
he is mobile and gravitates towards mum, she is in a wheelchair so is unable to make that choice

I have been thinking about moving her to a different home altogether but don't know if this will upset her
she is settled in that home and the carers, surroundings and other residents are familiar to her
but she is not happy anymore.

I have started looking on-line for other care homes but don't really know how to choose
having been at this care home when the CQC inspection took place and having witnessed extra staff bought in and activities suddenly appearing I know we cannot trust the CQC findings
I have been reading resident and relative reviews but if it is a mixed home how do I know if the dementia side is good?

the reviews for the current care home look good but I feel very strongly that the bulk of them refer to the non-dementia side
there are huge differences between the two floors from meals, activities, décor and even prizes given out!

are there such things as fully dementia care homes? how do I find one?

I don't have any support and even my local Alzheimer's support group (which I found very helpful) has closed
I don't have a social worker as mum is self funded (due to selling her house) and is paying over £1,000 per week
I am not impressed by the care at all - I have to chase showering, tooth brushing, medications, etc. apparently as mum is a free spirit if she chooses not to clean her teeth or take her laxative she doesn't have to.
it once went 4 weeks without a shower and bearing in mind that she is incontinent wasn't happy about this.
she often gets constipated and understandably this makes her grumpy

I don't like to make too much fuss as I know that the majority of the carers are good, kind people who just don't have enough time to care properly
I know that on a night shift there are 2 carers and a nurse and there are 27 residents with various degrees of dementia,(some need hoisting which takes two members of staff.)
the manager said that this is within the guidelines

the manager is pleasant and does seem to listen to what I say. she takes lots of notes but nothing ever seems to actually happen

a lot of the time the dementia residents are simply plonked in front of the TV, most of them don't like the TV and become agitated. this then agitates the others
I have asked many times for music to be played as you can immediately see the calming of the whole room and even the very advanced dementia residents tap their feet along to the music
there is nothing readily available for anyone to do, the colouring books and puzzles are packed away into cupboards where the dementia people cannot get at them
I quite often start a little game going of foods beginning with a, b, c etc and quite quickly majority of residents join in, or I start a few jigsaw puzzles with the same effect.
the activity person has to look after 57 residents, 27 dementia, 30 not.
it is impossible for her to do this and I have noticed that she does spend most of her time and energy on the 30 non dementia, I guess they are easier to entertain

sorry that I am going on so much but I feel hopeless, or helpless.

thank you

 

[Fullticket]

Not quite the same, but my mum got involved with a 'toy boy' (65 to her 88) before we moved her in with us. You do not need to know what went on but the man involved actually admitted to me that he liked older ladies...
This may have made me biased but I would seriously speak to the care home and let them know that you are considering reporting them for allowing this abuse to take place. No matter that his family are OK with it, if you are not then it is abuse and, from what you say, your mother is affected by it and knows something is not right - albeit she can't put it into words.
His family may consider it 'funny' (my brother thought that my mother's situation was hilarious) or think that he is gaining some comfort from what he is doing but you are the one responsible for your mother - if it was your child, would you allow this sort of thing to happen? Of course not.

 

[canary]

I had a very similar problem with mum, only in her case she was convinced that another resident was her husband. The male resident knew he wasnt and his actual wife was not happy about the situation. The carers worked hard to keep them apart (they were both mobile) and eventually mums delusion passed.

Incidentally, mum was in a dedicated dementia unit (often called an EMI unit) where they were very aware of dementia symptoms and knew how to deal with them. A mixed unit often doesnt work as the staff are often not so experienced in dementia. It does sound as though you are having doubts about the home.

 

[katy66]

Sorry I should have said that this has been reported by the care home to the CQC as safe guard incident s
The first time the response was that as it concerned two people with dementia no action necessary
The second time the CQC asked what actions the care home are taking to prevent further occurrences
The home told them that the beam alarm have been fitted
I don't know if there has been further response from the CQC

The manager of the care home knows that I am not happy at all
I told her that I don't think my mother is safe or being cared for properly

She is trying to arrange a meeting with the other family but I guess they are not responding

I have never heard of a EMI unit
How would I find one?

 

[canary]

You might find this helpful
https://www.carehome.co.uk/care_search_results.cfm/searchcountry/uk/searchchtype/dementia-care-unit

You will need to put in your area and dont just assume that they are all able to care for your mum - some places that say they cater for people with dementia only want people in the early stages, but it could be somewhere to start.
Other people might give other helpful links too

 

[Shedrech]

hi @katy66
do contact your Local Authority Adult Services and explain the situation to them, just because your mum is self-funding doesn't take away her right to a referral for support
I don't understand why the home could suggest moving the man to another room, but not your mum

 

[Canadian Joanne]

At £1,000 a week, I would be expecting a bit more care, that's for sure.

Ask them to explain why the man could be moved and not your mother. Do they have more than one unit or perhaps another floor?

 

[katy66]

Yes there are two floors in the care home
The ground floor is mostly non dementia and it is fairly easy to leave the building. I have been reluctant to move mum downstairs in the past but it may be okay now as she is less mobile
She can still walk but doesn't very often during the day
At night she does get out of bed and wanders about but I assume the door would be locked at night
I will check this out and suggest it as a possible solution
I will have to make sure that there are people on the ground floor that mum could pal up with
I will contact adult services
Thank you

 

[Baggybreeks]

I'd say it's sweet too but it might have to be monitored.

 

[Baggybreeks]

I

 

[Baggybreeks]

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Not quite with it this morning, trying to ward off a cold in bed.
This post sounds familiar, not for my husband in the care home, but others there with dementia.
Sadly I have witnessed similar behaviour,and once I was told that a pair had ended up lying on the crash mattress next to my husband whilst he was recovering from a seizure!
It had to be reported but obviously no action can be taken against the couple.
As the brain cells shrink and disappear, the behaviour regresses. And perhaps the man thinks he is back in his youth. Obviously your mum doesn’t appreciate his advances.
I wonder if at night when there are so few staff on duty, would it be possible to have her door locked? Staff can access but not the amourous man?
It’s good that the staff tried a beam but not sufficient to deter.
When I visit my husband, there is a man who tries to get too close to me . At least I can fend him off. The staff are aware of his behaviour and as he is in the room opposite my husband, I lock the door whilst I am there.
I don’t like going in to visit and being confronted with other residents problems, but the ratio of staff to residents is only what is stipulated.
I end up taking residents to the lounge or showing them their bedrooms, when I arrive or when I go to make myself a cup of tea.
I agree above the music, I wish that the staff were more clued up about appropriate entertainment. I do wonder how much training they get regarding the mental state. Lots of training on handling and physical stuff.
How can you tell someone with dementia to turn left to their room or whatever, when directions are meaningless ?
Good luck with sorting out the problem.