After 8 years of caring for Mum, we had to make the hard decision to move her to a nursing home. i am heartbroken. I find visiting her there so so hard-she sits in the TV lounge all day, surrounded by other residents. Whilst I am a compassionate person, I am struggling to be around other residents and resent the lack of privacy I have when trying to engage with her. Am I wrong to feel this? I respect it is home to many, but I cannot reconcile it with my own desperate need to be with Mum quietly and privately. Any thoughts would be hugely appreciated. x
Mum in nursing home-now what?
- Thread starter Buddha
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It's very difficult isn't it? Perhaps you could chat with your Mum in her room or quite often a CH has quiet side rooms you can use.
Hi. This sounds so hard for you. Just a thought looking at this from the other side of the coin - when my FIL was in a Dementia Care Home my MIL insisted on only visiting him in his room (don’t know why as she preferred rearranging the contents of his drawers to talking to him) and this resulted in him never wanting to sit in the lounge with the other residents. Could you maybe strike a happy medium and take her to her room only occasionally. She needs to be encouraged to be with the others so that she has company when you are not there.
I know . My Mum went into a residential/dementia home 6 months ago. I think you'll find that the day is broken up by the meals . In Mum's home everyone has breakfast in the dining room then they are off to the lounge and probably have a cup of tea. They move again for lunch . Residents will be off for a bath or to see the hairdresser. The activity lady will be arranging activities during the day. See if there's a notice board listing what is happening . If you live close you could encourage your Mum to join in the activities by joining her, I'm too far away to do that . There might be group singing in the afternoon. People might bring in pets to be stroked. Then of course it will be time for tea! I am describing my Mum's CH and I don't know if its very different in a Nursing Home. Best wishes Susan
Hello Buddha
When my husband first went into residential care I really didn`t want him to sit in his room all alone so asked the care staff to make sure his room was only for sleeping or if he was ill.
To that end, and to try to ensure he felt at home with the other residents, I made an effort to make friends with them, I greeted them when I visited and made sure I learnt their names.
My husband settled well and always looked as comfortable as if he was in his own home. I left my coat in his room so he never saw me in outdoor clothes. I had little problems when I left after a visit. I usually made excuses, I was going shopping or to get the washing in, activities he was familiar with me doing.
If you possibly can, try to see visiting from your mother`s perspective. You want her to settle and be contented when you are not there.
You have cared for her for a long time and the transition will be difficult for you and painful too I imagine. If you can think long term it might be easier for you. The other residents are now your mother`s housemates so if she sees you interacting with them, only in a gentle way, it will help your mother feel more at home.
When my husband first went into residential care I really didn`t want him to sit in his room all alone so asked the care staff to make sure his room was only for sleeping or if he was ill.
To that end, and to try to ensure he felt at home with the other residents, I made an effort to make friends with them, I greeted them when I visited and made sure I learnt their names.
My husband settled well and always looked as comfortable as if he was in his own home. I left my coat in his room so he never saw me in outdoor clothes. I had little problems when I left after a visit. I usually made excuses, I was going shopping or to get the washing in, activities he was familiar with me doing.
If you possibly can, try to see visiting from your mother`s perspective. You want her to settle and be contented when you are not there.
You have cared for her for a long time and the transition will be difficult for you and painful too I imagine. If you can think long term it might be easier for you. The other residents are now your mother`s housemates so if she sees you interacting with them, only in a gentle way, it will help your mother feel more at home.
Yes I agree. I chat to Mum's new friends and their relatives chat to my Mum . Which is very helpful as I cant visit every day as I live 200 miles away. Susan
Thank you so much for this. Yes sounds very similar to NH. Also that is a great idea to join in the activities when I can. Thank you. This is a lifeline.
Thank you so very much for this. This has really helped to shift and enrich my perspective on this. Thank you, a lifeline. x
I believe it's very common for us not to think (especially in the bustle involved with a move) that it will be a big transition for the carers and family as well as the person moving into the care home.
I often spend more time during my visits talking to staff and other residents, than to my mother. Today, for example, my mother was napping when I visited (this is not usual for her but she has an infection at the moment), so I talked to the nurse manager and another staff member and called it a day. When I need something or there is an issue, the relationships I have built with the staff are invaluable.
You will both settle into a new routine, in time. It may be a harder transition for you, in fact. Please be kind to yourself and best wishes.
I often spend more time during my visits talking to staff and other residents, than to my mother. Today, for example, my mother was napping when I visited (this is not usual for her but she has an infection at the moment), so I talked to the nurse manager and another staff member and called it a day. When I need something or there is an issue, the relationships I have built with the staff are invaluable.
You will both settle into a new routine, in time. It may be a harder transition for you, in fact. Please be kind to yourself and best wishes.
Thank you so much for this. One week in and Mum is slowly settling. I am readjusting and building relationships with the staff (as is she of course). It feels like we are becoming part of a family. Thank you again for your words of encouragement.
