My mother's short term memory loss is very severe, when I visit her in her care home, she asks a question but cannot retain any of my answer, before I have finished the sentence she is asking again. Her OH is in hospital and she cannot retain any details including why he has not visited. Should I answer the question repeatedly or not? Visiting is increasingly stressful, mother will not accept there is anything wrong with her and wants to go home, which she can't, she also tells me constantly that she is going to kill herself. I'm sure that all of this is not unusual but would like any advice. She has been in the home for a over a year now.
Short term memory loss advice
- Thread starter BelleB
- Start date
Hello BelleB. Welcome to the forum.
I would have expected your mum to have settled in the home after a year and I can imagine how difficult your visits are.
Have you discussed your mum`s inability to settle with the care home staff? What have they done to help her? Is she stressed in this way all the time or just when you visit?
Sorry for so many questions. I just wondered if your mother is unhappy all the time or just when you visit.
I would have expected your mum to have settled in the home after a year and I can imagine how difficult your visits are.
Have you discussed your mum`s inability to settle with the care home staff? What have they done to help her? Is she stressed in this way all the time or just when you visit?
Sorry for so many questions. I just wondered if your mother is unhappy all the time or just when you visit.
Do you mind if I ask how often you visit her? I do sympathise - the visits must be so depressing for you even though you are trying to do the best for your Mum.
However, a big welcome to the forum, be it that no one really wants to find themselves here.... I do hope that you find it a friendly and welcoming place.
However, a big welcome to the forum, be it that no one really wants to find themselves here.... I do hope that you find it a friendly and welcoming place.
Welcome to TP.
It's not really a good idea to keep answering the question repeatedly.When my Mum used to get stuck in a 'loop' a distraction of a cake or chocolate always used to do the trick. Denial that there is anything wrong with them, and wanting to go home, is also common in those with dementia.
You might find this thread about compassionate communication helpful: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
It's not really a good idea to keep answering the question repeatedly.When my Mum used to get stuck in a 'loop' a distraction of a cake or chocolate always used to do the trick. Denial that there is anything wrong with them, and wanting to go home, is also common in those with dementia.
You might find this thread about compassionate communication helpful: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
My mother is usually unhappy, she was unhappy at home before care. She would not accept carers in her home or consider respite and unless in the same room as her OH would be sad/angry. I am not sure whether our visits make her happier or make her more unhappy, she always seems pleased to see me and says so.
If that is the case @BelleB and you can bear with it, it is as it is. If it becomes too much for you, perhaps you might consider reducing the frequency of your visits.
It sounds like her husband was her "comfort blanket" and without him she is lost.
I agree with Louise, distraction is the best way to handle this - try going in with some form of treat - a cake or sweets for example - and producing it when she starts on her "loop". Wanting to "go home" is a state of mind rather than an actual physical place - she wants to go somewhere where she feels safe and leave the confusion of dementia behind. You may find that "home" is a childhood home. When she says she wants to go home, rather than trying to explain why she cant, just say - yes, of course, I'll organise it (even though you wont and she wont remember that you said it). This is what is known on here as a "love lie" which is said to pacify her in the moment because she cannot understand the truth and is becoming distressed. I also wouldnt stay too long so that the "loop" doesnt get reinforced.
I have been visiting twice a week, I live about an hours drive away and work too, my sister has been once a week, obviously her OH can't visit at all at the moment.
