Please help....Out of my depth with SS

emmamac

Registered User
Sep 15, 2009
94
0
I’d really appreciate any advice anyone may have regarding my mum.

She was admitted to hospital 4 weeks ago today after a fall at home. That night, on the ward, she fell again and one of these falls resulted in a fractured pelvis....hence her four week stay in hospital.

She has made a reasonable physical recovery but her Dementia has taken a bit of a nose dive. We were struggling at home prior to this but SS had only just put in place a basic package of care in November in spite of an urgent referral by the GP and CPN in April. The fall and subsequent admission to hospital were the crisis we knew would happen and the only way in which we have been able to get SS to see she is completely unsafe to live alone now.

I had a brief meeting with the hospital discharge social worker and one nurse prior to Christmas when I was asked if she had her own home (no), if she had savings (not enough to meet their self funding criteria) and was then told that if she was SS funded, she would be given a ‘contract’ bed as our local authority no longer have care homes and purchase contract beds in homes throughout the county. I explained that she has a very close relationship with me and her immediate family and placing her a long way away would be cruel and detrimental to her wellbeing. Since that meeting, I’ve heard nothing although I was told in no uncertain terms not to interfere, not to contact SS and to wait.

On Thursday I called the ward to ask what was happening as I’d heard nothing. I was told that assessments were still taking place and it would take a while. On Friday when my daughter visited, the hospital social worker came into my mother’s room and told my daughter that as of today (Monday) there was no longer a bed for her in hospital and there would be a meeting to decide where she would go. My daughter called me (4.30pm) and I immediately called our local SS manager who confirmed a meeting would take place today (Monday) to assess her needs and decide what should happen next. I said I was concerned as I had no idea where she might be placed and felt I should have some sort of choice of care home at least. She eventually told me the name of a local care home where they have contract beds so on Saturday I went to look around. The CQC report is good.

All I can say is I came away feeling thoroughly miserable. It really was the sort of care home I remember my gran in 30 years ago....all the residents seemed to have dementia and were either sleeping or displaying distress. My poor mum will just decline in this kind of environment and it truly broke my heart to think this could be where she will end up.

I feel out of my depth with SS and whether we do have any choice at all. I am worried she will just be placed somewhere that isn’t suitable for her and will only exacerbate her dementia and aid her decline.

It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep...my heart is racing and I’m covered in hives. I am at work at 8am and can’t see how I can get through the day let alone this week with working and trying to stay ahead of the game with mum. I consider myself a fairly capable person but I truly feel overwhelmed with all of this and terrified that SS will bamboozle me enough that I’ll end up going along with whatever they say without any real choice for mum’s wellbeing.

Any advice at all to help us get through this and get mum somewhere where she will be safe, cared for and happy would be so welcome.......
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I am sorry to hear about your mum, things like a fractured pelvis will usually progress dementia, Im afraid.
You have done the right thing by standing your ground and insisting that she cant go home.
Dementia care homes can come as a bit of a shock when you are not used to them and you have to learn to look beyond the surface appearance. The care home that mum was in was shabby and seemed a bit grim when I first saw it, but it had a homely atmosphere and, more importantly, had good carers who really did care. They looked after mum right up to the end and mum was happy there.

If the place that your mum is going to is for people with dementia, then this is what you want. Places that have both dementia and non-dementia residents do not normlly have the expertise to look after people with more than very early dementia. We regularly see threads on here from people whose relative is in one of these homes and they have been given a months notice to find somewhere else because they do not know how to deal with the dementia. If you are seeing people at all stages of dementia (as I did in my mums home) this means that they are able to look after people at all stages.

This placement has been done as an emergency and they have had to find somewhere with a vacancy. She will be safe there and looked after. In the meantime, if you still hate it you will have the time to look for somewhere else. When you go and look, do ask how they would deal with your mum and what sort of things they would not tolerate - this will give you an idea of whether your mum would be asked to leave quite soon. The other thing to ask is whether they would accept the LA rates. Many places wont and they will ask you for top-up fees which can get very expensive.

One thing I wonder is whether you visited in the evening? Everything is winding down in the evening and many of the residents will be sundowning. You may find that it looks quite different in the morning. Give this place a go. Your mum will not deteriorate by being in a place where there residents who are further along the dementia path. When our relative first goes into a dementia care home we always think that they are much better than the rest of the residents, but in a quite short time come to realise that, actually they fit right in.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
0
Canarys advice is good. Please be kind to yourself, I know that you must feel you are exhausted by the worry of the whole situation, I would be too. But we see things so often by putting ourselves in the situation, yet someone with dementia sees and experiences things differently.
It was brought home to me when we visited a carehome, my husband said it looked all right, in my eyes it did not. Then I realised I was imagining myself in the situation.
I then rembered the tick boxes on the list of things to look for in a care home. It ticked every one.
It was near enough to visit, it smelled clean in the bedrooms. Staff seemed attentive. Etc.
You are so stressed could you get some time off on compassionate grounds? Having someone in hospital is a strain in itself.
 

May30

Registered User
Feb 25, 2017
53
0
I’d really appreciate any advice anyone may have regarding my mum.

She was admitted to hospital 4 weeks ago today after a fall at home. That night, on the ward, she fell again and one of these falls resulted in a fractured pelvis....hence her four week stay in hospital.

She has made a reasonable physical recovery but her Dementia has taken a bit of a nose dive. We were struggling at home prior to this but SS had only just put in place a basic package of care in November in spite of an urgent referral by the GP and CPN in April. The fall and subsequent admission to hospital were the crisis we knew would happen and the only way in which we have been able to get SS to see she is completely unsafe to live alone now.

I had a brief meeting with the hospital discharge social worker and one nurse prior to Christmas when I was asked if she had her own home (no), if she had savings (not enough to meet their self funding criteria) and was then told that if she was SS funded, she would be given a ‘contract’ bed as our local authority no longer have care homes and purchase contract beds in homes throughout the county. I explained that she has a very close relationship with me and her immediate family and placing her a long way away would be cruel and detrimental to her wellbeing. Since that meeting, I’ve heard nothing although I was told in no uncertain terms not to interfere, not to contact SS and to wait.

On Thursday I called the ward to ask what was happening as I’d heard nothing. I was told that assessments were still taking place and it would take a while. On Friday when my daughter visited, the hospital social worker came into my mother’s room and told my daughter that as of today (Monday) there was no longer a bed for her in hospital and there would be a meeting to decide where she would go. My daughter called me (4.30pm) and I immediately called our local SS manager who confirmed a meeting would take place today (Monday) to assess her needs and decide what should happen next. I said I was concerned as I had no idea where she might be placed and felt I should have some sort of choice of care home at least. She eventually told me the name of a local care home where they have contract beds so on Saturday I went to look around. The CQC report is good.

All I can say is I came away feeling thoroughly miserable. It really was the sort of care home I remember my gran in 30 years ago....all the residents seemed to have dementia and were either sleeping or displaying distress. My poor mum will just decline in this kind of environment and it truly broke my heart to think this could be where she will end up.

I feel out of my depth with SS and whether we do have any choice at all. I am worried she will just be placed somewhere that isn’t suitable for her and will only exacerbate her dementia and aid her decline.

It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep...my heart is racing and I’m covered in hives. I am at work at 8am and can’t see how I can get through the day let alone this week with working and trying to stay ahead of the game with mum. I consider myself a fairly capable person but I truly feel overwhelmed with all of this and terrified that SS will bamboozle me enough that I’ll end up going along with whatever they say without any real choice for mum’s wellbeing.

Any advice at all to help us get through this and get mum somewhere where she will be safe, cared for and happy would be so welcome.......

Hi,
I'm in a similar situation with my dad. He was admitted to hospital mid December with a cellulitis infection and has been there ever since. It was identified that it wasn't safe for him to go home as my mum was struggling to care for him. The hospital have referred him for an NHS Continuing Healthcare assessment but it has to be done in an environment other than hospital and he can't go home. They have found him an intermediate placement at a nursing home. I went to visit and it is OK but like you we haven't had any choice as there are no beds and it is an emergency placement. From what I understand this is just a temporary placement while they carry out the assessment. After that they will decide where is best for him based on his needs, funding etc. My advice would be to do as much research as you can on local homes. Go and visit them and get a feel for which ones seem worse/better. The more you see the more informed you will be. I have found www.carehomeadvisor.com useful. Also maybe start to contact them to find out if they have any vacancies or if they have a waiting list. Hope this helps x
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,443
0
Kent
It was brought home to me when we visited a carehome, my husband said it looked all right, in my eyes it did not. Then I realised I was imagining myself in the situation.

This is such a good point.

@emmamac
This sounds like an emergency situation. I would accept it but ask if you find somewhere nearer to you will your mother be able to move. It is overwhelming I know but you're own health obviously is being affected which is not what anyone would want , especially your mother, I`m sure.
 

emmamac

Registered User
Sep 15, 2009
94
0
Thank you all so much. Just arrived at work and have been in tears talking to my boss...not a great start to the day! Your advice is so wise....I know I had an emotional response to the home. There was a bit of a smell downstairs but everywhere looked clean and the rooms were nice....clean and homely. It was Saturday at midday just prior to lunch and I suppose I expected to see more going on rather than the residents either in bed or asleep in a sitting room. There had been a little talk on birds in the morning and I know they have outings and activities 5 days a week both morning and afternoons. Yes, I probably need to stop seeing it through my eyes and try to understand where mum is really at. I just see her as still having a zest for life...yesterday she was sat at the nurse’s station so they could keep an eye on her and was almost like the ward meet and greet! She needs to feel needed and useful....not just be left to vegetate!

Today will be the meeting to decide so I’ll keep you all posted on the journey ahead. This is a massive learning curve for me and maybe by sharing the ups and downs it might help anyone in the future who is going through similar changes. I went through similar with my father and thought I was better prepared with mum, but my emotional self has overtaken my common sense self I think!

Love to you all xx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
It was Saturday at midday just prior to lunch
At that time it may have been that the more able residents had been taken out for lunch by their relatives. Its worth visiting at different times to get a feel of the place. Its good that they have talks, activities and outings during the week, but they also need periods of calm and quiet as well. I doubt your mum would be just left to vegetate. At mums care home there was a lady who liked to sit on a chair in the hallway so that she could watch all the comings and goings. Everyone used to chat to her as they went past.

It is not easy adjusting to life in a care home - neither for your mum, nor you and this has been rather thrust upon you because of her fracture, rather than you gradually coming to the conclusion that it is for the best. You are probably still unaware of many of her recent limitations.

There is still life in a care home - try and see beyond the surface. Mum was happy in hers and thrived there. She liked the routine and the lack of stress. She joined in the activities, but as time went by they tired her more and more and she was often one of the ones snoozing in the lounge. I used to take her out for lunch, go to a garden centre (there were several nearby), a walk in the park always gave things and people to see. She liked shopping, but later on, the crowds became too overwhelming for her to go to the shopping centres. When she lost her mobility I used to push her in her wheelchair - along the sea front was her favourite, so that she could watch the waves breaking on the shore.

Simple pleasures become the order of the day - a trip to the park to feed the ducks, a visit to an understanding friend with numerous cats to pet and to drink some tea, having a manicure and her nails painted bright red, slightly off the wall conversations with the other residents, shaking a home made tambourine in time to the music led by a visiting musician. I still have good memories.

You and your mum will get there. If this place is not the right one for her, there will be somewhere. You will both adjust.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
I know it can be very depressing when you first start looking at care homes. I don't mind admitting that it came as a shock when we first started looking for my FiL, ages ago now. But you do come to know what to expect, and learn to,look past e.g. smart decor, which from experience is no indicator of the best care.

Also I have to agree that past the earlier stages, then unless they're in separate units, mixing dementia and non-dementia residents may well not work. We had to move an aunt once she started to bother the non dementia residents (by definition usually frail and needing their peace and quiet) though to be fair, we were told from the outset that this might well be the case.
 

emmamac

Registered User
Sep 15, 2009
94
0
Thank you everyone. Well the update so far is I had a call this afternoon to say that they have found her a bed in a care home about 15 miles away from us. I am going to look at it tomorrow. I did ask what the option was if we didn't like it and didn't really get an answer. My concern is that being so far away, we won't be able to visit as often as we'd like to given that we all work full time and have families to look after (my son is 11 and my daughter is about to have her second baby). But I guess if the care is right maybe that's not such a worry. Just feel so sad and helpless to help her....I'm pleased she is going into care,as the last two years have been really tough for her and for me, and I know we couldn't continue as we were. However, I just wish I could make a choice that is right for her rather than being told where she should go.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
73,994
0
72
Dundee
I'm glad they've found a place for your mum @emmamac. I hope your visit goes well and that you get goo 'vibes' when you're there. I know you feel sad and helpless but your really are doing what is right for your mum.
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
Sorry this is so difficult for you @emmamac. While I had a choice about where to place my mother, I had a short time to find a care home under stressful circumstances and in the end, I didn't actually see the care home until we moved my mother there. I know it sounds dreadful but by some miracle this care home has been amazing and my mother has done well there, so it really can work out. I agree that it's a shock and it's upsetting and sad and not what we want, but nothing about this disease is what we want. I also often feel helpless about what dementia brings, but if you can ensure your mum is safe and well looked after, that is a huge accomplishment.

Having someone in a care home doesn't mean you stop being a daughter or a carer. Your mum still needs you to be her advocate and to take care of the things she cannot. It just means there is now a bigger care team for your mum and a slightly different role.

As you say, it couldn't continue the way it was and so something will have to change. I know this isn't everyone's experience, but the move into the care home was the best thing that could have happened for my mother. My only regret is not moving her there sooner.

Best wishes and keep posting, we are here.