My Dad is in a care home with middle stage dementia and my mother is dying

tallyhosupernova

Registered User
Dec 16, 2018
13
0
My Mum is now unconscious and is dying in hospital This has happened suddenly due to heart failure and my father had to go into a nearby home home due to her hospitalisation He had previously been sectioned and needs 24/7 supervision I live 90 miles away. I took my Dad to say goodbye to her 2 days ago as her passing was expected at any time and his understanding was good and he was very very upset, although he has now forgotten the details and is misremembering what she was like when he saw her. My Mum is still with us, I saw her again today, still unresponsive and unconscious and I am unsure how much longer she will live . I do not know how much notice I will get to be with her at the end and I have no other family or local friends to support me I am dealing with my own grief and anxiety over this and desperately want to support my Dad in the right way They were married for 60 years and it is heartbreaking but I am not sure if it would help him to see her again. Has anyone else experienced anything similar
 

father ted

Registered User
Aug 16, 2010
734
0
London
Tallyhosupernova,

Firstly let me say you are an incredible daughter and this must be very hard for you to deal with the imminent death of one parent, the grief of the other as well as your own feelings. I have not had personal experience of this. If your father asks to see his wife one last time I would go with it. You say he has good understanding, although he seems now to be reimagining how things really were. As you say you are on your your own and no one is helping you so I feel it might actually help both you and your Dad to see your Mum again so you can all be together for the last time.
I don't think there is a right or wrong in this. It is what feels right for you both. Your Dad and you will both be very upset to see Mum unresponsive and if she dies, there's no way of avoiding it. I am sure though that it will help if you are together in those last moments.......I will be thinking of you.
 

tallyhosupernova

Registered User
Dec 16, 2018
13
0
Tallyhosupernova,

Firstly let me say you are an incredible daughter and this must be very hard for you to deal with the imminent death of one parent, the grief of the other as well as your own feelings. I have not had personal experience of this. If your father asks to see his wife one last time I would go with it. You say he has good understanding, although he seems now to be reimagining how things really were. As you say you are on your your own and no one is helping you so I feel it might actually help both you and your Dad to see your Mum again so you can all be together for the last time.
I don't think there is a right or wrong in this. It is what feels right for you both. Your Dad and you will both be very upset to see Mum unresponsive and if she dies, there's no way of avoiding it. I am sure though that it will help if you are together in those last moments.......I will be thinking of you.
 

Starbright

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
572
0
@tallyhosupernova ..I’m so sorry about your parents it’s the most dreadful thing to have to through on your own ,I wish you strength to get through this very sad time.
(( hugs)) and thinking of you Ax
 

Joy1960

Registered User
Oct 29, 2018
20
0
p
@tallyhosupernova ..I’m so sorry about your parents it’s the most dreadful thing to have to through on your own ,I wish you strength to get through this very sad time.
(( hugs)) and thinking of you Ax
Hi, my sympathies are with you in this awful situation.
My mum (84 with moderate Alzheimer's) was recently widowed in Oct 2018 and although we were all ( my mum, my hubby and me )at dads bedside when he died ,mum still cannot process the event and still questions where dad is.
I've left the order of service out on show as a prompt and she gets very upset when she realises, but then a few minutes later is quite calm about it all.
I think it needs to be a decision at the time to take your dad if that's possible as you've got enough dealing with the enormity of a parent dying, dealing with the stress of your dad and your own emotions.
It the most dreadful of situations which I would not wish on my worst enemy esp when your dealing with this as an only one.
You will get through it..you'll wonder how but you will x
 
Last edited:

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I am so sorry to hear about your mum @tallyhosupernova
I dont know whether it would actually be a good idea to take your dad to see his wife again. You will gain comfort and closure for when she passes, but he wont remember what has happened to her and each time will come as a horrible shock. You have taken him to see his wife and say goodbye and he understood at the time, but perhaps it woould be best not to keep doing this.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
I think @canary is right. We want to behave in the way that the pre dementia person would have done but it isn’t always in their present interest. My husband would have loved to be involved in our growing grandchildren’s lives but can’t hold a thought for more than seconds. Rather than distress him or bemuse them I just let him live in his own wee world. To try and bring him into the reality of our current lives would be pointless.
 

nae sporran

Registered User
Oct 29, 2014
9,213
0
Bristol
What a hard and upsetting situation for you tallyhosupernova. Not sure I can add to marion and canary's good advice, but wanted to send strength and support.
 

Jintyf

Registered User
Jun 14, 2013
47
0
Dear @tallyhosupernova Your love and dedication to both your parents is awesome. You are doing an amazing job. Please look after yourself. Sending a huge hug and support.
 

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