I’m new here but I’ve just joined up as I’ve been forced today to put my mum who has Alzheimer’s into emergency respite care. My dad is her carer but he was taken ill last night and asked me to go over this morning. One look at him and I dialled 999. He’s been kept in hospital probably for a little while. We have great carers but no overnight care so I asked social services to find somewhere for her. She has never been in care before - the home they found is pretty basic but all that is available at such short notice . I’ve just had to leave her there tonight. She begged me not to leave her, she cried and then started screaming and shouting- she was so upset and she knew what was happening. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and now I feel utterly useless and horrible.
Heartbroken
- Thread starter pippop
- Start date
Welcome to TP pippop. So sorry you join us at a hard time with your dad unwell and your mum's Alzheimers meaning she needs so much more care. You should not feel useless, she is in a safe place where she will get the care she needs and you have so much to deal with.
You will get much support and better replies. I just hope your dad is better soon.
You will get much support and better replies. I just hope your dad is better soon.
hello @pippop
a warm welcome to TP
a difficult time for you
so sorry your dad is unwell, I hope the hospital will be able to help him and that he is comfortable
and though it's hard on you and your mum, it is good that a placement was found for her so she will be supported - I appreciate that knowing she is safe doesn't make the feelings better - you aren't useless, look at how you've made sure both your parents have the care they need - and you're not horrible, you did what needed to be done, no way could you have done more; what is horrible is the sad situation you all find yourselves in
now you've found this supportive community, keep posting with anything that's on your mind
a warm welcome to TP
a difficult time for you
so sorry your dad is unwell, I hope the hospital will be able to help him and that he is comfortable
and though it's hard on you and your mum, it is good that a placement was found for her so she will be supported - I appreciate that knowing she is safe doesn't make the feelings better - you aren't useless, look at how you've made sure both your parents have the care they need - and you're not horrible, you did what needed to be done, no way could you have done more; what is horrible is the sad situation you all find yourselves in
now you've found this supportive community, keep posting with anything that's on your mind
Hi,
I've been going through a similar thing recently with my dad. My mum couldn't cope with looking after him anymore, I tried to help as much as I could but got to breaking point and I couldn't help them more. It's so hard to get the balance right, looking after your mum, your dad and you. Don't feel bad that you need to prioritize your dad at the moment. As long as your mum is safe and getting the care that she needs she will settle I'm sure. Respite is not for the long term so take one day at a time. Over the last few weeks it's really opened my eyes to how much my mum needs to focus on her well-being, it's been neglected and not prioritised for so long. Over the last few months I've experienced frustration, helplessness, desperation, regret, guilt and relief. It is an emotional roller-coaster. Make sure you seek as much support as you can. I have found ringing the Dementia UK Admiral nurse helpline really useful as well as the Alzheimer's Society. They are always so understanding and ready to listen. Will be thinking of you x
I think part of how you are feeling is the suddenness of it all.
Dad became poorly unexpectedly and everything then collapsed around the arrangements in place for Mum - it will have shocked and upset you equally.
Mum will be OK - she might not like it very much, and might not want to be there, but Dad needs to be given a chance to recover. If Mum's short term memory is poor - she might soon forget she was upset.
Depending on Dad's health, it might be a situation that needs reviewing with regard to your Mum - maybe its too much for him.
Horrible situation for you - I had a situation arise here yesterday, that is resolved now, but I still felt 'off' about it all day today. We need, as carers, to accept that each new situation takes its toll in some way, and we will be upset and stressed.
Good luck - I hope things soon get better.
Dad became poorly unexpectedly and everything then collapsed around the arrangements in place for Mum - it will have shocked and upset you equally.
Mum will be OK - she might not like it very much, and might not want to be there, but Dad needs to be given a chance to recover. If Mum's short term memory is poor - she might soon forget she was upset.
Depending on Dad's health, it might be a situation that needs reviewing with regard to your Mum - maybe its too much for him.
Horrible situation for you - I had a situation arise here yesterday, that is resolved now, but I still felt 'off' about it all day today. We need, as carers, to accept that each new situation takes its toll in some way, and we will be upset and stressed.
Good luck - I hope things soon get better.
It’s so difficult placing a loved one in a home but at least you know your mum will be cared for then your Dad can concentrate on getting better physically.
It’s such a rollercoaster ride which you will experience such different emotions, guilt, distress relief.
I have experienced same after placing my Dad in a home as it got too much for mum caring for him. It will take time for your mum to settle but hopefully she will and then you can review whether she can return home or needs to stay in the home.
Good luck with this journey.
It’s such a rollercoaster ride which you will experience such different emotions, guilt, distress relief.
I have experienced same after placing my Dad in a home as it got too much for mum caring for him. It will take time for your mum to settle but hopefully she will and then you can review whether she can return home or needs to stay in the home.
Good luck with this journey.
Some good news. When I visited mum in the home today she was remarkably calm and even happy, so much better than I expected, so I don’t feel so bad about taking her there now. In daylight the place also seemed a lot cheerier with some nice staff around. Just hoping dad gets better, but at least I feel stronger and better prepared.
Hope your dad improves, looking after someone with dementia takes a real toll out of the carer.
It may be that if your mum has settled, it is time to review how your dad is managing.
I know a few carers whose cared for person goes into respite discover that they have come to a point where they are unable to continue at home. In fact, it is the care home that advises that the dementia sufferers require more care than is possible at home.
It can be an awful shock and takes a lot of adjusting on both sides. And then you feel guilt.
So be prepared.
It might not come at this time but it is a possibility.
All the best,
It may be that if your mum has settled, it is time to review how your dad is managing.
I know a few carers whose cared for person goes into respite discover that they have come to a point where they are unable to continue at home. In fact, it is the care home that advises that the dementia sufferers require more care than is possible at home.
It can be an awful shock and takes a lot of adjusting on both sides. And then you feel guilt.
So be prepared.
It might not come at this time but it is a possibility.
All the best,
