Do we correct or go along...

[nici1980]

Good Morning,
My mother in law is recently diagnosed. She is the most wonderful kind and caring woman and this has left myself and my partner feeling so helpless and not really knowing how we can help her.
Christmas has brought new battles. Every time my partner has visited his mum she has given us a Christmas card with Money in it. Also she has done this several times with my children. I have always told my boys not to take money of her. They accepted the first time gratefully. Yesterday it all got very upsetting for everyone when yet again she tried to give my children money in another card. My son gently explained he had already had his christmas money and she broke down in tears. He cried and she cried. Myself and my partner this time got presents. We both feel if we give them back this will seem ungrateful and upset her more. How on earth do we deal with this. Its ok to not correct her when she is confused and repeats questions and forgets other things, but if we gently refuse the money it upsets her and if we accept we are taking advantage of the situation...please can anyone advise?
My children adore her and want to be there for her my son is now blaming himself for upsetting her yesterday but how could he take more money from her?

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @nici1980, you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly, informative and supportive place.

Would it be possible for you to slip the money back into her purse. If your MiL is anything like my wife she wouldn't notice that.

 

[canary]

Hello @nici1980 and welcome to Talking Point. This sort of thing is always hard to deal with. Can you accept it as if it were the only present and surreptitiously return it to her without her knowing?

I dont know if you have come across Compassionate Communication, but if not here is a link
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/thr...n-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/#post-413710

 

[marionq]

Christmas won’t last forever and neither will she. Take the gifts and if you see she needs anything replace it with your own money. This is an illness which is very unpredictable and you have to adjust as you go along.

Good wishes

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP @nici1980

You may find this thread helpful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[karaokePete]

By the way @nici1980, I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.

 

[Louise7]

As your mother in law is recently diagnosed consider getting a Power of Attorney in place. This needn't be used straight away but would protect her money if she gets to the stage where managing her finances becomes a problem.

 

[nici1980]

Thank you for all your replies..i will read all the links you have sent me and i like the idea of putting it back in her purse or getting her something she needs. We are just starting down the road of power of attorney as we are really worried about people scamming her given her generous nature. Thank you everyone. x

 

[nellbelles]

Hello @nici1980 a warm welcome from me also, I hope now you have found us you will continue to post for support

 

[Fullticket]

I think it's good advice to get going with the POA. My mum gave away thousands to scammers and a spurious 'boyfriend' who managed to get her to pay for his son's wedding.
Take what she offers you and either slip it back to her when she is not looking or save it somewhere for when other 'things' need attending to.
Your children sound like they are beginning to grasp the situation but will look to you for advice. As an ex carer, I found that living in the PWD's reality was the best thing - i.e. in mum's case, don't keep mentioning that my dad was dead, as was her sister and her brother. If she watched a programme about Africa and thought she had been on safari, we didn't correct her but went along with it (cheap holiday!).
You will find support and information here that will lead you through what is to come.

 

[nici1980]

Thank you. I wish I'd found this site weeks ago we could of avoiding upsetting her yesterday. My children both adore her and want to do all they can to help.

 

[MTM]

I think it's good advice to get going with the POA. My mum gave away thousands to scammers and a spurious 'boyfriend' who managed to get her to pay for his son's wedding.
Take what she offers you and either slip it back to her when she is not looking or save it somewhere for when other 'things' need attending to.
Your children sound like they are beginning to grasp the situation but will look to you for advice. As an ex carer, I found that living in the PWD's reality was the best thing - i.e. in mum's case, don't keep mentioning that my dad was dead, as was her sister and her brother. If she watched a programme about Africa and thought she had been on safari, we didn't correct her but went along with it (cheap holiday!).
You will find support and information here that will lead you through what is to come.

^^ This ^^
I read a wonderful book called the Contented Dementia Sufferer, I'm not allowed to post links because I'm a noob but it's well worth reading. It talks about getting alongside the person with dementia (PWD) and exactly that about just going with the flow. When my dad asks how his father (my grandfather) is, I say 'he was in grand form last time I saw him,' which is true, it's just that he died years ago so the last time I saw him was actually in about 1986!

Likewise, lasting power of Attorney, if you can start talking to her about getting power of attorney now, while she is still able to take the decision. I mentioned it to my mum quite a lot before we actioned it. It takes them a while to process it and for it to come round. I'm lucky in that Mum and Dad have a joint account and Dad's dementia is way, way worse than hers so I was able to action power of attorney over his side of the account and Mum is still theoretically in control, so can go to the cash point or buy things with her cash card. However we keep it hidden so when scammers phone she can't find it. I pay all the carers by BACS.

Oh and when it comes, doing the power of attorney forms is a nightmare but the people on the end of the helpline are wonderful. I'd recommend doing one over her health as well, especially if she is DNR or the like.

Best of luck. It's chuffing hard this and there are no easy answers.

Cheers

MTM