My mum has gone into a care home

[Hellyboo1973]

My mum has been cared for by my dad and recently went into respite after he had a stroke. She responded well being in respite but when she came out deteriorated rapidly. She stopped eating, wouldn’t get out of bed and became increasingly aggressive towards everyone. We managed to get her back into the card home just after Christmas and she’s settled well again. I know it’s the right thing but I feel so bad. I feel I’ve beyrayed mum and let her down. I feel so helpless and feel
Like I’ve lost her all over again. This is the first new year that I’ve not spoken to her and it’s hit me so hard. I just want to ring her and wish her a happy new year and tell her how much I love. Her but I can’t. I see other people with their mums and I resent them so much. Why do I feel so bad despite it being in the right thing for mum??

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

I'm feeling bad too and sending a hug xx

 

[karaokePete]

You aren't bad because you did the right thing.

There comes a time when professional care is needed. It's good that you were there to help make that happen when it was needed.

I wish you strength at this difficult time.

 

[Jale]

If your mum is anything like mine she hasn't a clue that Christmas has come and gone or that it is the first day of the new year. Mum has been in a nursing home since September and has settled (as far as we can tell). I too feel as if I have let her down after promising her that she wouldn't go into a home (long story) and I feel guilty every time we leave her after visiting, I usually tell her we are going shopping. I know that she is safe and receiving the care that I couldn't give her but it doesn't make things easier for me.

I think because there is so much emphasis on having a happy, jolly, merry Christmas etc we feel it even more. At the moment I'm just trying to take things day by day and try to remember that the mum I knew has gone.

Sending hugs for you

 

[Blodski]

I can totally relate to this. This is the first Christmas / New Year without my Mum as she went into care in July, and my Dad died in October. Like lots of other people say on here, she has settled in really well - to our surprise. I think the routine, regular meals and medication are good for her, plus there is always someone to talk to. However, that doesn't take away the heartbreak I feel every time I go to see her. I also feel guilty and that I have betrayed her, but as time goes by I am learning to accept these feelings rather than trying to get rid of them or denying them. It's because we love them that we feel so bad. It's a cliché, and it can sometimes drive you mad when people say it, but it's true when they say at least you know she is safe. I've never known pain like it, and I've had to think about it from a practical point of view rather than a sentimental one, but that takes huge effort and feels so unnatural, but sometimes it's the only way to cope. Take care.

 

[Jintyf]

Thinking of you and sending a hug.
My Mum went into hospital yesterday and I know she will go from there to a CH.
I know it's the best thing but sometimes the feelings of sadness can be overwhelming.
I'm sure time will help as feelings are so raw right now.
It helps to open up here. Lots of good help and advice from people who have already been where we are and can support us.

My mum has been cared for by my dad and recently went into respite after he had a stroke. She responded well being in respite but when she came out deteriorated rapidly. She stopped eating, wouldn’t get out of bed and became increasingly aggressive towards everyone. We managed to get her back into the card home just after Christmas and she’s settled well again. I know it’s the right thing but I feel so bad. I feel I’ve beyrayed mum and let her down. I feel so helpless and feel
Like I’ve lost her all over again. This is the first new year that I’ve not spoken to her and it’s hit me so hard. I just want to ring her and wish her a happy new year and tell her how much I love. Her but I can’t. I see other people with their mums and I resent them so much. Why do I feel so bad despite it being in the right thing for mum??

 

[father ted]

Hellyboo 1973,

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have done entirely the right thing. The move is positive. Your Mum is no longer aggressive and she is eating again. It may feel that you have betrayed her but the evidence is before your eyes that she is doing better where she is. You feel bad because you are mourning the fact that your relationship with your Mum has changed. You have now had to assume the role of parent for your mother and that goes against a lifetime of experience when our parents cared for us.
Whatever we say here on TP you will still have the niggles in your mind but you really have no need to. You have done what is best for your Mum. She is safe, she has people around her and she has routine.

 

[Clyde]

My mum has been cared for by my dad and recently went into respite after he had a stroke. She responded well being in respite but when she came out deteriorated rapidly. She stopped eating, wouldn’t get out of bed and became increasingly aggressive towards everyone. We managed to get her back into the card home just after Christmas and she’s settled well again. I know it’s the right thing but I feel so bad. I feel I’ve beyrayed mum and let her down. I feel so helpless and feel
Like I’ve lost her all over again. This is the first new year that I’ve not spoken to her and it’s hit me so hard. I just want to ring her and wish her a happy new year and tell her how much I love. Her but I can’t. I see other people with their mums and I resent them so much. Why do I feel so bad despite it being in the right thing for mum??

L

My mum has been cared for by my dad and recently went into respite after he had a stroke. She responded well being in respite but when she came out deteriorated rapidly. She stopped eating, wouldn’t get out of bed and became increasingly aggressive towards everyone. We managed to get her back into the card home just after Christmas and she’s settled well again. I know it’s the right thing but I feel so bad. I feel I’ve beyrayed mum and let her down. I feel so helpless and feel
Like I’ve lost her all over again. This is the first new year that I’ve not spoken to her and it’s hit me so hard. I just want to ring her and wish her a happy new year and tell her how much I love. Her but I can’t. I see other people with their mums and I resent them so much. Why do I feel so bad despite it being in the right thing for mum??

Big hug x

 

[fortune]

I think we are nearly at the same point and dreading it. Solidarity.

 

[Jintyf]

I can totally relate to this. This is the first Christmas / New Year without my Mum as she went into care in July, and my Dad died in October. Like lots of other people say on here, she has settled in really well - to our surprise. I think the routine, regular meals and medication are good for her, plus there is always someone to talk to. However, that doesn't take away the heartbreak I feel every time I go to see her. I also feel guilty and that I have betrayed her, but as time goes by I am learning to accept these feelings rather than trying to get rid of them or denying them. It's because we love them that we feel so bad. It's a cliché, and it can sometimes drive you mad when people say it, but it's true when they say at least you know she is safe. I've never known pain like it, and I've had to think about it from a practical point of view rather than a sentimental one, but that takes huge effort and feels so unnatural, but sometimes it's the only way to cope. Take care.

Thanks so much for this post - it has really helped me.

 

[Grannie G]

I am learning to accept these feelings rather than trying to get rid of them or denying them. It's because we love them that we feel so bad.

This is such a good attitude.

One of the hardest decisions in life is to realise we cannot meet the needs of the people we are caring for and to agree to residential care. There`s no way we can feel anything other than defeated.

I've had to think about it from a practical point of view rather than a sentimental one, but that takes huge effort and feels so unnatural, but sometimes it's the only way to cope.

Well said @Blodski

 

[Kikki21]

Quite often PWD reach some kind of a crisis point & basically need to go into a care home. This happened with my mum too.
Honestly I went through so many scenarios in my head as to what was best & each time, my mum going into a care home won.

Ultimately, I think this decision has even extended her life. My mum is fed, cared for, is warm, has company, even joins in the activities.... she didn’t like it at first but gradually she started joining in more & now I haven’t heard that she wants to go home for ages.

Don’t get me wrong, we have had very challenging scenarios in there with my mum but gradually things have settled down!

It was a hard decision but it was the best decision for my mum.

 

[WifeyLT]

Hi there - I'm reading this thread at the end of (the first of many) more hard days haven supported my mum in taking the decision to put my Dad into respite care ... He was officially diagnosed with mixed dementia 18 months ago but it was clear long before that ... And then since September, he's declined a lot more and we've had the police out searching for him 3 times when he's wandered (despite trackers, etc.) ... The last time was the Wednesday before Christmas and I was so sure we wouldn't see him again that night, I made my mum promise respite in Jan if he came home ... He did at 11pm that night all confused and we've scraped through Christmas by making sure someone was with him at all times ... But now the home have space on Saturday and yet I feel heartbroken by the prospect ...

 

[WifeyLT]

All advice is welcome x

 

[Sirena]

All advice is welcome x

While it is heartbreaking, it is the right decision for all of you, you need to keep your dad safe and you can't be expected to supervise him every moment. I moved my mother to a care home this time last year, partly because she had started wandering (she had a tracker, but she kept removing it). If you find the right care home it can work out well, my mother is very happy there. Noone wants to make this decision, but hopefully it will work out for your dad. You know you are doing the right thing, even if you never wanted to have to do it.

 

[Blodski]

Hi there - I'm reading this thread at the end of (the first of many) more hard days haven supported my mum in taking the decision to put my Dad into respite care ... He was officially diagnosed with mixed dementia 18 months ago but it was clear long before that ... And then since September, he's declined a lot more and we've had the police out searching for him 3 times when he's wandered (despite trackers, etc.) ... The last time was the Wednesday before Christmas and I was so sure we wouldn't see him again that night, I made my mum promise respite in Jan if he came home ... He did at 11pm that night all confused and we've scraped through Christmas by making sure someone was with him at all times ... But now the home have space on Saturday and yet I feel heartbroken by the prospect ...

I really feel for you. My mother also has Mixed Dementia and was placed in respite in July to wandering out of the house which my father could not control or deal with. Eventually she went into permanent care and since then she has settled into a routine which is soooo important. It is a totally heartbreaking and confusing time and I remember walking round in a strange parallel universe, not able to process what was happening. I had to force myself to think in terms of keeping my mother safe, above all else. Yes, it's not what you want, and yes, it goes against every bone in your body. It is a very difficult pill to swallow, but a necessary one. Bit by bit, I am coming to terms with the crushing guilt in order that I don't make myself ill. Let us know how it goes.

 

[WifeyLT]

I really feel for you. My mother also has Mixed Dementia and was placed in respite in July to wandering out of the house which my father could not control or deal with. Eventually she went into permanent care and since then she has settled into a routine which is soooo important. It is a totally heartbreaking and confusing time and I remember walking round in a strange parallel universe, not able to process what was happening. I had to force myself to think in terms of keeping my mother safe, above all else. Yes, it's not what you want, and yes, it goes against every bone in your body. It is a very difficult pill to swallow, but a necessary one. Bit by bit, I am coming to terms with the crushing guilt in order that I don't make myself ill. Let us know how it goes.

Thanks Blodski ... I was telling Mum that (given our experiences of very poor support from any front line service - GP, Svcs, Carer Support, etc. - how reassuring this online forum is because it's from people who have direct experience ... And your description of how you anticipate we've felt today is absolutely spot on, sadly ... it went against every bone in our body to leave him there ... he was ironically quite aware today! And it was awful to simultaneously feel guilt, relief and something else akin to your "parallel life" experience ... And we did go straight from dropping him off to the pub for "medicinal" G&TS!!

But we're now 9 hours on and they haven't called so it can't be too bad ... I'm calling for an update on Monday with the intent of visiting then, having given him 48 hours to settle.

Fingers crossed Mum has some recovery time now as well ... she's exhausted!

 

[Sc0ttie21]

I completely understand the guilt but I had no help and just couldn't look after her by myself. My mum has been in care since October, she now has two personalities - one very demanding, rude etc and the other more like my mum. I never know which one I am going to meet. she hasn't been diagnosed with dementia yet because she passed the mini mental test. she is very forgetful and repeats herself all the time. How can they go on a wee test. I know my mother and know the personality change and forgetfulness isn't normal. what should I do to make sure she gets the help she needs?

 

[Sc0ttie21]

I completely understand the guilt but I had no help and just couldn't look after her by myself. My mum has been in care since October, she now has two personalities - one very demanding, rude etc and the other more like my mum. I never know which one I am going to meet. she hasn't been diagnosed with dementia yet because she passed the mini mental test. she is very forgetful and repeats herself all the time. How can they go on a wee test. I know my mother and know the personality change and forgetfulness isn't normal. what should I do to make sure she gets the help she needs?

 

[karaokePete]

I completely understand the guilt but I had no help and just couldn't look after her by myself. My mum has been in care since October, she now has two personalities - one very demanding, rude etc and the other more like my mum. I never know which one I am going to meet. she hasn't been diagnosed with dementia yet because she passed the mini mental test. she is very forgetful and repeats herself all the time. How can they go on a wee test. I know my mother and know the personality change and forgetfulness isn't normal. what should I do to make sure she gets the help she needs?

Welcome to the forum @Sc0ttie21, I hope you find this to be a friendly and supportive place.

In my opinion those mini tests are about as useful as a chocolate teapot when it come to diagnosis. My understanding is that they were never meant as a diagnostic tool but are used as they are quick and cheap. They can be useful as an indicator for further referral when used by a GP and as a monitor for progression of the dementia when used by a specialist but I don't think they are useful for diagnosis.

My wife had a high level of education and, like many people in that position or with previously high cognitive function, can breeze those tests. More extensive tests, scans and history taking may be needed for a diagnosis and in my wife's case these showed that she has dementia.

If you feel a diagnosis would make a difference to the care your mum receives I would push for a referral to a memory clinic.