Hello this is my first posting although I have been reading other people's threads for some time. I have decided to post now as the title of this thread states I don't know what to do next. My mum is 83 next week and was diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2015 . She hasn't had a stoke or high blood pressure, in fact with the exception of the dementia and all its challenges ( incontinance apathy memory loss not eating except sweet things) she has no other major health issues. Yesterday after a long drawn out process I finally got a doctor to come out to see her and she has been diagnosed with scabies . This has now pushed me over the edge we have careers in 3 times a day since August when I had my last meltdown until then I managed everything myself . Everything is active with LPOA for finances and health and mum is self funding . I just don't know how much longer I can keep it up being at her beck and call, we have never had the best of relationships and she has always had a challenging personality that is more magnified now. I am tired and get little practical help from my sibling. Any suggestions will be gratefully received thanks
Don't know what to do next
- Thread starter Cocoloco
- Start date
Hello @Cocoloco, welcome to the forum.
It has to be said that one can only do so much and there does come a time when a person needs the level of care that only a professional team can provide.
There are a couple of AS Factsheets that may give you some useful information and these can be located by clicking the second lines of the following links
Assessment for care and support in England (418)
PDF printable version
Care homes - when is the right time and who decides? (476)
PDF printable version
It has to be said that one can only do so much and there does come a time when a person needs the level of care that only a professional team can provide.
There are a couple of AS Factsheets that may give you some useful information and these can be located by clicking the second lines of the following links
Assessment for care and support in England (418)
PDF printable version
Care homes - when is the right time and who decides? (476)
PDF printable version
Oh goodness @Cocoloco you sound a bit like me except dad has alzhiemers and he is 88 years old.
Yes I have been at dads beck and call since August 2017 although incontinence has not yet reared it's ugly head and I hope it does not. Dad does not have carers just me and it is hard although dad is still very pleasant and nice but he drives me mad at times with his strange little foibles.
As for siblings mine ignored the fact that his dad was fading away and only offered help when we found that dad has cancer as well, It took a year before I got any help and that is only occasional as sibling works. I don't have time to work so hey ho.
I would say take any help that you are offered, don't waste your time on sibling. If mum is self funding then it may be time for a care home (that will usually prick up the ears of any unwilling sibling)
Think of yourself, you count and you deserve a life and if full time care is what it takes then that is what you need to look at next.
Wishing you well.
Thank you both so much for taking the time to reply I really appreciate it. I have been at my mums all morning and administered the prescribed cream as the careers have to have special provision from their manager and this can't be agreed or not until Monday at the earliest . My brother and wife came along and gave a hand in stripping the bed etc so it wasn't as bad as I thought yesterday. We are back again later today to try and get her in the shower to get the cream off so fingers crossed. Although mum pays for her careers herself I have contacted the care through the LA does anyone know if I was to try and find a suitable residential NH for respite care do I also need to go through the L A . This is going to be needed shortly as I will be undergoing surgery. Although it's yet to be seen if she will actually go
Hi @Cocoloco if your Mum is paying for the respite herself you can start looking for somewhere suitable. The care home usually come out to see you and your Mum and do an assessment to make sure they can meet her needs. Some homes will allow you to book in a few weeks in advance however others will only book in respite patients a few days before they are due to stay as they give permanent clients priority.
Hi @Cocoloco Wow you really have a lot to take on on your own despite having the carers coming three times a day. I can imagine your mum is most 'active' when they're not there and then it all falls on you to do.
I note in your first post you mentioned that you had a meltdown some months ago and that you're tired (I can so empathise).but in your next post your brother and his wife turned up to help.
I'm not sure what you have or have not said to them in the past, but before you take the step of a care home, have a frank chat with him/them. You may have been completely open with them about how you feel but they may not have comprehended exactly of your thoughts and how bad you felt back in August, and how you need to have practical assistance.They may say that they did not realise how it was effecting you and did not know how bad your mum's condition is, and due to this, have a more regular input in your mum's care.
Try to ensure that you have a day to yourself so that you have that chance to catch up on your own activities/work/paperwork/etc or to just be lazy and have that well needed rest. It's so important to take care of your own health as well as your mother's. All the best xx
I note in your first post you mentioned that you had a meltdown some months ago and that you're tired (I can so empathise).but in your next post your brother and his wife turned up to help.
I'm not sure what you have or have not said to them in the past, but before you take the step of a care home, have a frank chat with him/them. You may have been completely open with them about how you feel but they may not have comprehended exactly of your thoughts and how bad you felt back in August, and how you need to have practical assistance.They may say that they did not realise how it was effecting you and did not know how bad your mum's condition is, and due to this, have a more regular input in your mum's care.
Try to ensure that you have a day to yourself so that you have that chance to catch up on your own activities/work/paperwork/etc or to just be lazy and have that well needed rest. It's so important to take care of your own health as well as your mother's. All the best xx
Hi all well last night we went to try and shower mum to get the cream off her to try and cure the scabies. It was bad as mum decided to turn on me in front of my brother and sil and the evening carer. Even though once again I end up feeling like **** at least others got to see what it's like. I have experienced her venum towards me most of my life , but until the dementia it was always done in a way that was put downs or when I was alone. Hence why we have never had a close relationship.she is lovely to everyone else but speaks to me like a lower class servant and looks at me like she hates me . My SIL was in tears at the way she went for me.
To answer your question myss all know just how much I have been struggling I have had more than a frank chat . In August I was left without any support or likely hood of getting any support after my mum got stuck in the bath covered in poo and no one to help me get her out. Don't ask me how I did it but after a considerable time I managed to get her out and clean her up. But I did hurt myself and this caused my meltdown and that's when I finally arranged for the carers , and also why I got the help yesterday
Next Sunday it all has to be done again as we need to repeat the process. I know I am going to have to stat looking for respite as when I have the surgery no one can takeover , it's just finding the energy to start and then the struggle in getting her there
To answer your question myss all know just how much I have been struggling I have had more than a frank chat . In August I was left without any support or likely hood of getting any support after my mum got stuck in the bath covered in poo and no one to help me get her out. Don't ask me how I did it but after a considerable time I managed to get her out and clean her up. But I did hurt myself and this caused my meltdown and that's when I finally arranged for the carers , and also why I got the help yesterday
Next Sunday it all has to be done again as we need to repeat the process. I know I am going to have to stat looking for respite as when I have the surgery no one can takeover , it's just finding the energy to start and then the struggle in getting her there
As your mother is self funding you can make your own choice of care home, I used
https://www.carehome.co.uk/
to look at reviews, websites and CQC ratings. Then give them a call and ask them the procedure for respite care, and they will assess to ensure they can meet her needs. As you are self funding it should be a lot easier to find somewhere quickly as it's the homes which accept LA funded residents which tend to be most booked up.
https://www.carehome.co.uk/
to look at reviews, websites and CQC ratings. Then give them a call and ask them the procedure for respite care, and they will assess to ensure they can meet her needs. As you are self funding it should be a lot easier to find somewhere quickly as it's the homes which accept LA funded residents which tend to be most booked up.
