sigh!!! haven't got enough sleep yet. grams refuses to sleep since yesterday. i tried giving her a sleeping pill but it just wont work. It even worsens her hallucinations. she keeps on seeing things and no matter what i do, wether i keep up with her hallucinations or not it just wont go away... it seems that she does'nt get tired.
I thought to give my self a break, besides it's saturday. I go to graduate school every saturday and it is the only day i have for my self because the rest of the week is for grams.
But, when i got home the house was very chaotic. grams was'nt her self. she was violent, cursing, slapping and spiting on my aunt whom i ask to look after her while i was away. she was so mad. she goes violent on me a lot of times but never did she spit and curse me before. the rest of the family is not comfortable taking care of her because of her attitude. i always tell them that she was'nt like this when she was still well. she is this caring and loving grams we always had. but no matter what i say i am alone on this. i feel sad because i am young but does'nt have any life. life is unfair!
I feel guilty sometimes.. because for no reason i get mad at God because it seems that he does not have any plan for me. I sometimes feel that grams will be here for another 10 years because as i see it she is still healthy. I feel bad, when i think that sometimes i wanted her to go because i want to experience how it is to think of my self and nothing else. there are times, when i am sick and tired of worriying a lot. i wanted to have a peace of mind, but for now it is impossible for me to have it. quite selfish huh?
however, when i think that i will leave her with this people who does'nt care that much it's giving me a heart ache. i can't bare to see her go without me beside her. I guess i need to bare with this circumstances a little more longer....
I thought to give my self a break, besides it's saturday. I go to graduate school every saturday and it is the only day i have for my self because the rest of the week is for grams.
But, when i got home the house was very chaotic. grams was'nt her self. she was violent, cursing, slapping and spiting on my aunt whom i ask to look after her while i was away. she was so mad. she goes violent on me a lot of times but never did she spit and curse me before. the rest of the family is not comfortable taking care of her because of her attitude. i always tell them that she was'nt like this when she was still well. she is this caring and loving grams we always had. but no matter what i say i am alone on this. i feel sad because i am young but does'nt have any life. life is unfair!
I feel guilty sometimes.. because for no reason i get mad at God because it seems that he does not have any plan for me. I sometimes feel that grams will be here for another 10 years because as i see it she is still healthy. I feel bad, when i think that sometimes i wanted her to go because i want to experience how it is to think of my self and nothing else. there are times, when i am sick and tired of worriying a lot. i wanted to have a peace of mind, but for now it is impossible for me to have it. quite selfish huh?
however, when i think that i will leave her with this people who does'nt care that much it's giving me a heart ache. i can't bare to see her go without me beside her. I guess i need to bare with this circumstances a little more longer....