Worried

[jenny48]

Hi everyone

I really don't know if I have done the right thing. Everyone says its right but I'm not too sure, for the first time I have gone and arranged for mum to in for respite for two weeks. I know I need a break, I haven't had a holiday for over two years, and then that was with my sister and not my husband, he stayed at home to look after mum, so now I would like a couple of days away with my husband and dogs, just somewhere with a different view both inside and out. I know deep down its right, I just feel guilty I guess. Is it the right thing to do or is it just me being selfish, wanting time with my husband. I really don't know, I was happy when I heard at long last I was to get respite as I've been waiting for ages, now just sitting down for a wee cuppa and rest I have started feeling bad, I am worried she will be worse when she comes home or that she will hate me for sending her away from home or something might happen while she is not with me, are these feeling normal???
AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING?????

 

[connie]

Hello Jenny,

I am worried she will be worse when she comes home or that she will hate me for sending her away from home or something might happen while she is not with me, are these feeling normal???

Perfectly normal, but that does not mean you are wrong to have some respite from your caring role, especially to spend time with your husband.

No one can say how mum will be when she returns, but what you cannot afford to do is 'burn out'. You need to be able to carry on caring, a role which however way you approach it can be so demanding.

Please don't feel guilty. It is sad that your mum has an illness that requires the attention you give her, but it is not your fault.

You are doing your best, and need time for yourself and hubby. I feel sure your mum, deep down, would not have it any other way.

Stay strong.

 

[taylorcat]

I think guilt is a normal feeling which I'm sure we all feel, I know I do quite often but you will only end up making yourself ill and that would do no one any good.

 

[ROSEANN]

Hi Jenny

Yes you are doing the right thing, you need time for your self and your husband.

I put my husband into respite a few weeks ago and had a few days break away, and although my husband did not settle it did me the world of good.

It has taken me days to get my husband back to his routine and he has gone down somewhat but the benifits to me outway all that.

Go and have your time with your husband you deserve it.

Love Roseann

 

[Margarita]

I would say yes also , that feeling of guilt our normal when you start on this new journey of respite in a care home for your mother.

I felt it also , 2 years or so down the road I am glad I did it .

Sometime mum come back more weaker from going to respite care homes, but after few weeks back with me she much better , other time mum gone like this time (she just got back today ) she fine so much more relaxed its amazing.

I think it just depends on what care home it is, or may be after 2 years mum so use to them she excepting it more .

Just go for it , first few respite care home your mother may not take to it to easy . Just remember one week or two weeks go very fast when your spending time with yourself Or with your husband , before you know it , its time to pick your mother up.

 

[LizzieS]

Yes! It's seems the norm to have these guilt feelings when the need for a break arises. I look after my Mum and, most of the time, cope quite well. However, I do take 2 short breaks each year and find they are essential to the wellbeing of us both! I also give myself the weekends off when carers visit twice a day to ensure medication is taken and that Mum is eating properly. The same arrangements are made when I have my holidsays, with extra visits to make time for giving Mum a shower. I've had a wet room installed to make this easy. I do my best to ensure that everything is in place before time off/holidays which helps Mum and the carers.

I still worry when I'm away but nothing has gone drastically wrong to date!

 

[BeckyJan]

are these feeling normal???
AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING?????

Your feelings are very normal. As Roseann, I have also taken much needed respite from my husband. It feels strange but with this disease it is necessary. I would say it was wrong for you not to take time out with your husband!

I have come to terms with the fact that things may go wrong whilst in, or because of, the respite. I will not cope with the ultimate deterioration unless I keep well myself, so the break is important.

Please go and enjoy - it is what your 'healthy' Mum would want for you.

Love Jan

 

[jenny48]

Hi everyone,

Thanks to you all for your kind words and help, I know myself deep down that I need this break but it good to know that I am not weird or whatever because I feel like this. My break doesn't start till 20th oct. so by then I hope to feel more like going away for a break and less guilty for leaving mum in a strange place.thank you all once again for your words of support, will let you all know how we get on.

THANK YOU ALL!!