My brother is living with us at the moment. He seems to be suffering with dementia but at the moment seems to be in denial. We are repeating ourselves and explaining the same things daily, hourly or sometimes constantly in the one conversation. When this happens it is frustrating both for us and for him. This often makes him even more confused and agitated. Should we maybe only repeat things a couple of times ? When we have tried this he gets paranoid and thinks we are keeping things from him. We don't know what to do for the best. Does anyone else have these problems or have any advice on how to deal with it ?
How many times should I repeat myself ?
- Thread starter mikeyboy
- Start date
I have found that I have to repeat things endlessly - a person with dementia can't help this requirement.
There is a handy thread on communication that contains tips and you can see it if you click this link https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
I hope it helps.
There is a handy thread on communication that contains tips and you can see it if you click this link https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
I hope it helps.
As long as it's necessary but don't let him know it's a repeat. Don't say things like "I've told you already" or "don't you remember?" It causes embarrassment, as he really can't help his memory loss. He's also probably not in a denial he might one day snap out off - some people genuinely think there is nothing wrong with them. There is even a long name for that which I can't ever remember. I know how hard it is but try to stay patient, and if you really can't stand a topic anymore, try to distract with an activity or a chat about something else.
He won't realise he's repeating himself, so try not react like he is.
It's frustrating as hell to deal with. I hope you have more patience than I do!!
I often have to physically walk away from the conversation, before I lose my temper - which gets me moaned at for being rude, etc.
It's frustrating as hell to deal with. I hope you have more patience than I do!!
I often have to physically walk away from the conversation, before I lose my temper - which gets me moaned at for being rude, etc.
I know it's very irritating, but you do have to just keep repeating - and as far as possible try not to sound irritated or impatient. He simply can't remember what you said before - that is the sad fact of the matter - he's not being deliberately difficult.
You do have my sympathy, though - my FiL would ask the same questions endlessly - I once counted 35 times in one hour! I could not show the slightest irritation, since he was apt to fly into furious rages. I made a sort of separate compartment in my head, where I could go on answering pleasantly, but mechanically, if you see what I mean. And I am not the most patient person in the world, far from it.
I know it can be hard to comprehend what's needed, though. There was an occasion where my sister and BiL were visiting my mother, before she was bad enough to need a care home. My sister was in the kitchen, cooking, and about every minute and a half my mother would call out, 'Anything I can do?' To which my sister would reply, 'No, it's fine, thanks.'
But eventually my Bil became very irritated and snapped, 'Stop hassling her!'
My mother was very upset, because of course she had no idea that she'd been saying it over and over.
I had to explain to BiL - who'd never lived with dementia - that she honestly couldn't help it, her short term memory was shot to,pieces, so it was no earthly use getting cross with her.
You do have my sympathy, though - my FiL would ask the same questions endlessly - I once counted 35 times in one hour! I could not show the slightest irritation, since he was apt to fly into furious rages. I made a sort of separate compartment in my head, where I could go on answering pleasantly, but mechanically, if you see what I mean. And I am not the most patient person in the world, far from it.
I know it can be hard to comprehend what's needed, though. There was an occasion where my sister and BiL were visiting my mother, before she was bad enough to need a care home. My sister was in the kitchen, cooking, and about every minute and a half my mother would call out, 'Anything I can do?' To which my sister would reply, 'No, it's fine, thanks.'
But eventually my Bil became very irritated and snapped, 'Stop hassling her!'
My mother was very upset, because of course she had no idea that she'd been saying it over and over.
I had to explain to BiL - who'd never lived with dementia - that she honestly couldn't help it, her short term memory was shot to,pieces, so it was no earthly use getting cross with her.
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I can cope with mums repetitive questions for so long but then try to find a way to change the subject. I used to teach children with special educational needs sand had endless patience with them but struggle sometimes to repeat things to mum! Luckily she is very easily distracted and we can chat about other things for a while before she returns to the questioning. The only time I feel like snapping is when she is asking about made up issues. At the moment she is obsessed with the annual visit of my sister and brother in law this Christmas, they live in the US and have stayed with her for the previous thre Christmases. However she has convinced herself that last year they stayed in a shed in someone's garden and that is where they are staying this year - they are not having her bed! Mum actually has two spare bedrooms so plenty of room for visitors! I just hope that when they arrive she lets them stop, otherwise they will have to stay with me and I will end up driving them back to mums every day!
I found it took lots of practice and patience and as I got better at dealing with the constant repetition I learned to keep my replies simple and I often thought of it like practicing lines in a play, I always tried to keep my voice positive or in tune with the question.
But like Lynmax it was the made up things I found hardest to deal with, especially if it was something my dad needed to do, like go home to his mum or report back to the army or give money to someone. I always worried no matter how hard I tried to answer him and deviate him away from these thoughts as soon as I would leave him, he would try to carry them out.
But like Lynmax it was the made up things I found hardest to deal with, especially if it was something my dad needed to do, like go home to his mum or report back to the army or give money to someone. I always worried no matter how hard I tried to answer him and deviate him away from these thoughts as soon as I would leave him, he would try to carry them out.
Very frustrating indeed but as you know it’s all part of the evil dementia. Put simply, I guess if he is asking the same question, he’s forgotten and wants an answer. My FIL asks me the time over and over, I just tell him. On other subjects I might just say I don’t know and he stops asking. Good luck, hang in there !
Visitors have had to stop staying at my Mother's house, it's just too stressful and confusing for her. It's the change of routine and people - it makes her forget how to do the things she normally does every day. It's very awkward as people don't seem to understand why it's a problem and don't notice diplomatic "hints".
If they don't notice diplomatic hints, then it's best to be a bit more (nicely)!blunt.
It's a perennial problem with people who don't understand dementia - but probably think they do! - to make them comprehend that although the person enjoyed certain kinds of visits or outings before, dementia means that they are no longer able to enjoy them - they just become confused/agitated/fretful, etc.
'Look, I'm sorry - I'm not just being difficult, but Mum simply can't cope with extra people and fuss and a change to her routine any more. Yes, I know she always used to, and it's very sad that things have changed, but that's dementia for you.'
I find that I need to look for the reason for the question. Often they ask about something which worries them and just need reassurance. My husband always used to ask in a morning if I'd slept. I rarely had so used to tell him no and then tell him how long I'd been awake for and whether I'd gone downstairs. All things he really didn't need to know. he would then ask again and again. One morning he asked me and we went through the usual irritating routine and then he asked me again 'did you sleep' and I just said 'yes'. He hasn't asked me since. Someone said later that he was probably worried about me but didn't really know why. Once I'd answered 'yes' he stopped worrying. The thing was that he really didn't need to know that I hadn't slept so why not reassure him?
And sometimes you just need to keep changing the answer until you find the one that calms their fears.
Hi Mikeyboy,
You say your brother 'seems to be suffering with dementia' but has he actually been diagnosed? If you have noticed this and others have to it might be wise to get him referred to a memory clinic for help in terms of support, drug therapy etc.
Beyond that I would say just keep repeating yourself. It's easier said than done. When my Mum lived with me I would sometime snap and say 'I've told you!'. But this achieved nothing. It upset my Mum and then I felt awful for having said it and it made no difference at all she would still ask. Answer calmly, bite your lip and carry on- good luck.
You say your brother 'seems to be suffering with dementia' but has he actually been diagnosed? If you have noticed this and others have to it might be wise to get him referred to a memory clinic for help in terms of support, drug therapy etc.
Beyond that I would say just keep repeating yourself. It's easier said than done. When my Mum lived with me I would sometime snap and say 'I've told you!'. But this achieved nothing. It upset my Mum and then I felt awful for having said it and it made no difference at all she would still ask. Answer calmly, bite your lip and carry on- good luck.
Thanks for your reply. We had to go and get my brother because he was homeless. That was at the end of July. We got him in to see the doctor a couple of weeks later and started the ball rolling, but we have no diagnosis as yet. In fact there has been no real official help at all so far. It seems to be a slow process.
Yes, this is very difficult to deal with. Sometimes my Mum can ask the same loop of questions for up to three hours. I find that I start giving the wrong answers after a while because I'm just answering automatically. She often ends up getting upset (the questions are mainly along the lines of 'where is her mother/father/aunts/husband' and the answer is always the same because they have all died) next comes 'when did that happen' ' nobody told me' or where is her brother, where are the family. Sometimes I suggest that I make us both a cup of tea. If it happens in the middle of the night, I try yawning a lot and saying I'm tired. It is the most stressful part of being with her because she is relentless and ends up wearing us both out.
Hi @Anneliz5
I know it sounds wrong but sometimes if you change the answer to something easier for her to accept like, dad is not here today or he is away at the moment, anything other than he has died.
If she can't remember that people have died then there is no point in keep reminding her because each time it is a new sadness for her.
I know it sounds wrong but sometimes if you change the answer to something easier for her to accept like, dad is not here today or he is away at the moment, anything other than he has died.
If she can't remember that people have died then there is no point in keep reminding her because each time it is a new sadness for her.
I've found the easiest way to handle this is to treat it like Groundhog Day - each time, try a different answer until I find the one that makes my Dad the happiest, then just repeat that as though it's a line in a play and the first time I've said it that day.
Having had no interest in sport for her whole life my wife has now started enjoying rugby. I suppose there's a lot of activity on the screen and she doesn't need to understand too much. The problem is she is constantly asking who wins even on live matches. I've tried explaining about it being live and she seemed to understand. A few minutes later she would ask again. Eventually I came up with the answer "Michael Fish" (I don't know why, I was desperate) and she didn't ask again for 15 minutes. Now I use it all the time when watching live programmes, I don't think she understands but it triggers an understanding that the result isn't available.
