I'm just so weary. I've been caring for my mother with undiagnosed dementia for over four years. I've been to the doctors several times but they won't or can't help. I have no support and no other family.
My mother is very emotionally and often physically aggressive. One of the triggers seems to be me showing any emotion at all. For example, my father died in February - they have been apart for a long time - and within 48 hours I was being screamed at and hit being told what a selfish bitch I am and what a **** my father was. All I had done was shut a door - not loudly - not realising she was trying to sleep. These scenes would happen daily if not for a huge amount of self control on my part.
But these past few days a combination of the stress of caring for someone so irrational and, I suppose, suppressed grief, bubbled up and I had a little cry. My mother found me and told me to pull myself together. When I quietly suggested that wasn't a very kind response the eruption happened and all the usual violence and vitriol flowed freely out. I'm a bitch, horrible, never done anything for her. I'm a nasty little self indulgent moaner who only thinks about myself. When I tried to calm her down I get the usual threats of suicide or death from the upset of having such a hideous daughter. Obviously the fact I have given up work and my social life and spend day after day trying to manage someone who has no self-regulation at all is discounted. And the irony is she cries pretty several times every day, although she'd never acknowledge this, and I'll scoop her up and give her a hug when she's upset.
I'm just so tired and actually at this point in time don't feel I can go on like this. It will probably all feel a bit brighter in the morning. But I have literally nobody who can help. I have no close relatives still alive and my mother has cut off all her friends. I have no idea what I can do to get any help at all. I can't call in social services without the doctor suggesting to my mother she needs extra support because this would just reaffirm my mother's paranoia. And because her main symptoms are still this emotional response and aggression, it won't necessarily show to a stranger in a brief visit. There are plenty of other symptoms like not knowing what is true and what is not, but only I recognise this because I'm the only witness to her everyday life. I honestly feel the doctors don't believe a word I'm saying and I just feel totally alone and without a route to help.
Sorry to vent like this but I just feel the need to let it go a little.
My mother is very emotionally and often physically aggressive. One of the triggers seems to be me showing any emotion at all. For example, my father died in February - they have been apart for a long time - and within 48 hours I was being screamed at and hit being told what a selfish bitch I am and what a **** my father was. All I had done was shut a door - not loudly - not realising she was trying to sleep. These scenes would happen daily if not for a huge amount of self control on my part.
But these past few days a combination of the stress of caring for someone so irrational and, I suppose, suppressed grief, bubbled up and I had a little cry. My mother found me and told me to pull myself together. When I quietly suggested that wasn't a very kind response the eruption happened and all the usual violence and vitriol flowed freely out. I'm a bitch, horrible, never done anything for her. I'm a nasty little self indulgent moaner who only thinks about myself. When I tried to calm her down I get the usual threats of suicide or death from the upset of having such a hideous daughter. Obviously the fact I have given up work and my social life and spend day after day trying to manage someone who has no self-regulation at all is discounted. And the irony is she cries pretty several times every day, although she'd never acknowledge this, and I'll scoop her up and give her a hug when she's upset.
I'm just so tired and actually at this point in time don't feel I can go on like this. It will probably all feel a bit brighter in the morning. But I have literally nobody who can help. I have no close relatives still alive and my mother has cut off all her friends. I have no idea what I can do to get any help at all. I can't call in social services without the doctor suggesting to my mother she needs extra support because this would just reaffirm my mother's paranoia. And because her main symptoms are still this emotional response and aggression, it won't necessarily show to a stranger in a brief visit. There are plenty of other symptoms like not knowing what is true and what is not, but only I recognise this because I'm the only witness to her everyday life. I honestly feel the doctors don't believe a word I'm saying and I just feel totally alone and without a route to help.
Sorry to vent like this but I just feel the need to let it go a little.
