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Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
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Nottinghamshire
My dad’s been in a carehome since the summer after he had a stroke. I’m finding it really difficult to visit him. I get very little response now. Maybe a hello if I’m lucky. I don’t think he knows who I am.
I started having panic attacks earlier in the week as I feel I cannot cope with anything anymore.
I’ve managed to pull myself back from the brink but it’s so hard to go to see dad.

He’s lost a lot of weight and his quality of life is not good, although some in his home are worse than him. I don’t know what to do, what to say when I’m with him.

Does anyone else feel this way?
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
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My dad’s been in a carehome since the summer after he had a stroke. I’m finding it really difficult to visit him. I get very little response now. Maybe a hello if I’m lucky. I don’t think he knows who I am.
I started having panic attacks earlier in the week as I feel I cannot cope with anything anymore.
I’ve managed to pull myself back from the brink but it’s so hard to go to see dad.

He’s lost a lot of weight and his quality of life is not good, although some in his home are worse than him. I don’t know what to do, what to say when I’m with him.

Does anyone else feel this way?
all sympathy sweetheart. First of all you must think about lowering your own anxiety levels. You have been so kind and loving to your dad, it is almost too hard now. when my OH is far away, if know what mean, I read him a poem or even an article from the paper. It keeps my voice going and takes less emotional effort.
Thinking of you with all love, Geraldine aka kindred.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
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Nottinghamshire
Thank you @kindred. I know I have to get my emotions back in check before it makes me ill so I’m working on it.

I hadn’t thought about taking something to read to dad when he’s so far away, but that’s an excellent idea. I don’t suppose it matters if I don’t get a response. I least we won’t be sitting in silence.

He was sitting on his own in the dining room today, but he always did prefer his own company most of the time. I should be grateful that he doesn’t seem distressed like one poor lady there.
 

nae sporran

Registered User
Oct 29, 2014
9,213
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Bristol
Sorry Bunpoots, my granny was like that towards the end and at I as too young to handle it, so can only offer virtual hugs, empathy and sympathy. Those panic attacks are worrying, it took counselling to cure that and you should get some professional help as well the moral support always going here.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
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Nottinghamshire
Thanks @nae sporran. The panic attacks did worry me and if they come back again I will have to visit the GP. I only had a couple at the end of last week. I did wonder if I was in for a heart attack before I realised what it was.
Breathing exercises seem to be working for now - and having you guys to talk to!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
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South coast
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) @Bunpoots

This is a hard time. Mum lost a lot of weight near the end too.
Even though she knew who I was it was still hard going. I used to take stuff in to read to her too. I knew that my grandmother used to read Winnie the Pooh and Alice in Wonderland to her as a child so I took those in to read to her and it often got a response. I also took a book of hers which was the sort of poems that she would have had to learn by heart at school. If I read a well known one to her I sometimes found that she would recite it with me!
You could try reading your dad stuff from a newspaper if you dont think there are any books that would trigger a response.

Breathing exercises are good. Have you come across the book Self Help for Your Nerves by Claire Weeks? Its a classic, Ive found it very helpful and I believe that it is still in print.
 

jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
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South Staffordshire
It isn’t easy and I would read the newspaper to my husband. They say hearing is the last sense to go so I hope he found comfort in just hearing my voice.

He had been non verbal for quite some time and I was waiting for him to return from a hospital stay. Once he was back in his nursing home room and in bed I started to read the newspaper to him. He suddenly started to mumble and say words that did not make sense. When he stopped I jokingly asked him who told him that load of rubbish, and his reply came back very clearly, ‘ the wife’ he said. I laughed , I cried and those were the last clear words he ever spoke to me.

I also chatted to him while I tidied his wardrobe or sorted his toiletries out. All the staff spoke to residents while doing personal care or rolling them to a new position, they constantly chatted away even though they knew there would never be a reply.
 

Goingitalone

Registered User
Feb 11, 2010
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It’s so stressful, this awful disease.

Is there a song he liked? Maybe something you sang together as a child?

Singing can be relaxing for both of you and can maybe stir memories of happy times.

Worked for me, hope it might for you.

Try to find some relaxing time for yourself. I know it’s easier said than done.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
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Nottinghamshire
Dad used to read “The wind in the Willows” to us when we were small but mostly he just made up the stories about our toys. He loved brass bands and used to play in one...

I’ll have to find something even if I don’t get a response.

That’s very poignant @jaymor ”the wife” - at least you know he was thinking of you..
 

KathrynAnne

Registered User
Jun 6, 2018
269
0
South Yorkshire
Hi @Bunpoots. I think my Mum is at a similar stage to your Dad. She is in intermediate care after a stay in hospital so I’m unsure what will happen over the next few days/weeks. She is often asleep when I visit and I never feel that she really knows who I am. I have a 1 year old granddaughter who I sometimes take with me and nearly all the other ladies in the home make a big fuss of her but my Mum often seems oblivious. It is heartbreaking to see. We often sit in silence but I hope that there is some comfort for her when I hold her hand.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
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I sometimes find with my Mum,it can be enough that I am there. I often take along sewing - mending her clothes, sewing in name tapes, embroidery so as not to sit in silence or feel the need to make conversation if she is asleep or not interested.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
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Scotland
@canary makes a good point about poems we learned at school. I am almost 75 and husband 86 and we went through a school system with a lot of rote learning. It has its considerable strengths! We both remember a lot of poetry and formal songs from school and if I am ever a patient I hope someone will recall them for me.

A few years ago I took John and his sister to Jamie's Italian in the centre of Glasgow and the busy restaurant had all kinds of lovely things on display. John looked around and said out of nowhere " Quinquireme of Ninevah from distant Ophir ........" He then remembered more of this poem from John Masefield called Cargoes although it must have been 70 years since he learned it.

I would certainly consider something like The Golden Treasury for our generation's favourite poems and in my case a book called A Sense of Belonging which has Scottish poets like Liz Lochhead and William McIlvanney.
 

looviloo

Registered User
May 3, 2015
463
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Cheshire
{big hugs}

I totally understand because I'm in a similar position with my own dad. Lots of good advice here - please look after yourself first and foremost.

What works for me is not to put myself under any pressure. If I'm not having a good day then I don't visit (I only go once or twice a week as it is). If dad's anxious or the visit isn't going well then I come away. I also suspect dad doesn't know who I am anymore (it's difficult to tell) and because he has no sense of time, a 10 minute visit from me can feel much longer to him. For instance, sometimes he indicates it's all too confusing so that's my cue to go even if I've only been there a short time.

Also, I try to visit when there might be an activity going on (which is early afternoon in dad's home), or engage with other residents when we're sat in the communal area. As I see it, it's the 'being there' that counts. So hard though. And it has taken me time to get used to the dementia unit, which is quite different from the residential home dad lived in until this summer.

So you have my sympathy. Look after yourself, and just do what you can. You've done so much already x
 

hilaryd

Registered User
May 28, 2017
84
0
Music might work. One of the last things my mum did in her care home was go to a music session, and even though she was barely speaking by then she seemed to enjoy hearing the songs and managed to sing along a little to Somewhere over the Rainbow.