Lots of things broken, run down and unsafe in mums house

[Buskitten]

Morning guys, another day, another drama!
Any advice for this, please?

I live in Scotland and I'm down at mums in Hereford after neighbors contacted me regarding mums behaviour / presentation / constant lock outs etc.

There are a few issues within her home which she seems unable or unwilling ( spending money ) to address: loo cistern doesn't flush anymore as so old; front porch door key lost, so she can't access front door and get her post, she goes round the house outside: garden overgrown and unkempt causing neighbours to complain about dangerous branches etc

She hasn't got an official diagnosis yet. We've applied for LPA but only just. She has money to pay for all these things but is very reluctant to fork out for these things ( lifetime habit).

Any suggestions guys? It's all looking a chaotic mess here and these practical things could be easily sorted out by me - but mum is a fireball of control and is either unable or unwilling to address these things. She has covered things up well to me, hence I was unaware of the seriousness of the problem - now I'm actually here I see this is far more than just "getting older".

As always, thank you for advice support and just being here xxxx

 

[Sarasa]

I think the standard advice would be to contact social services and say that your mother is a 'vulnerable adult' to whom they have a 'duty of care'. How well do you think she'd take someone coming round from SS? My mother probably wouldn't let them in, but yours may be different.
Other than that it sounds like her place is too much for her. Would you be able to find suitable accommodation in her area so she can keep up with friends and relations there, or is moving her near you a possibility.
When you have Lasting Power of Attorney it does get easier to pay for things and sort things out. You certainly have my sympathy. My mother lives somewhere that, in theory, should be ideal for an elderly lady and she is beginning to find that too much, so I know exactly the sort of things you are facing.

 

[karaokePete]

I agree that the first call should be SS. A dementia diagnosis isn't needed - your mum just has to be a vulnerable adult to whom they owe a legal duty of care, which she is.

 

[marionq]

I would get online access once you have POA then arrange for gardener etc and pay for it. Tell her it is free for senior citizens. Could you arrange for a week or two in respite “hotel” again free so that the place can be cleaned and repaired?

 

[karaokePete]

Here's a link to the factsheet about care needs assessments, if you want to take a look

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/media/8211

 

[nitram]

You could tell her about the government Christmas scheme to get odd jobs done for free for pensioners.
If she buys this get the work done in conclusion with tradesmen, pay yourself, keep receipts, and when you get LPA reimburse yourself.

 

[Elle3]

My advice is just get it done, don’t argue, don’t discuss, don’t wait for agreement as they usually forget minutes later. You will find once it’s done, they will forget anyway and you will wonder why you waited so long and worried about it.

I say this as I had a similar and probably more complex problem with my dad. It started with a leaking kitchen extension roof which he insisted he could fix himself, although near the end his idea of fixing it was to paint over it with black emulsion. There were lots of other things too in his home which needed sorting, including electrics and rendering/replacing his chimney.

I battled with him for nearly 2 years regarding letting me get someone in to fix the extension roof properly, it got so bad the kitchen ceiling was falling down and dad was trying to fix it with kitchen roll, bits of wood, paint, you name it he stuck it up there. The problem I had dad was an ex builder and he’d built the extension many years ago but he thought he was still capable of fixing it himself including climbing a ladder onto his roof to look at the chimney (2 storeys high, which nearly gave a neighbour heart failure as my dad was 81) I had many arguments and walk outs with him about it all as he would threaten to get rid of anyone aggressively who came in his house to try to do anything.

But eventually I learnt it was best to just ignore him and get it done anyway. I surprisingly had lots of ‘friends’ who I said were willing to do me favours and do the work very cheaply or for free. I managed to find recommended tradesmen through a council website who were very understanding of my dad’s Dementia. I had to spend a week from hell last January whilst a roofing firm replaced the extension roof and rebuilt the chimney. I had to be at dads from 7am to 6pm every day to stop him interfering and deal with the repeated questions, threats and him trying to go and ‘look’ every 2 minutes. I tried to keep him away as best as I could by taking him out for lunch, shopping etc. But it was all worth it for the peace of mind and after all his shouting and refusing to let me get him help he was chuffed to bits when it was all done especially as he thought it didn’t cost him anything, lol! I could have kicked myself for not getting it done a lot sooner.

 

[Buskitten]

Going to read all this excellent advice later as another post office drama with forgotten pin - apparently she hasn't collected her pension for ages as pin declined

Thanks guys see ya later X

 

[Rosettastone57]

Once you obtain power of attorney for finances you will find getting this sort of stuff done a lot easier. As others have said don't discuss things just organise it all . If you wait for the person with dementia to see your point of view you'll wait forever . If you get online banking just pay it all ,tell her it's free at a certain age . When my MIL needed dental treatment I arranged to pay for it in advance otherwise if I had paid at the dentist in her presence, she would have refused the treatment. You need to think outside the box

 

[Buskitten]

Indeed, the box has well and truly been squashed , flattened and recycled

 

[Cinderfella]

You know your mother - but don't be too harsh on her if you feel that she's being miserly.

My mother grew up in poverty after her father died when she was a toddler. She unknowingly married into debts and suffered a very long marriage of constant debts. She ALWAYS had to scrimp and save and keep savings for emergencies, just to keep out of trouble. Of course, where she could, she tried to keep details of this from us (her kids).

Now she's a widow with Alzheimer's and she just continues in the same vein. She never spent money on luxuries and she refuses to draw money to buy even ESSENTIALS. She'd STRESS if she spent money, even though she can EASILY afford it. She also goes without because she wants to generate a large inheritance for her kids. In reality, she's miserly towards herself.

I'm her full-time carer and I've been supporting us on my Carers' Allowance and Income Support top-up (£109.10 weekly average) for years, now. I can't get things done and the house looks a state - as do I with my patched and worn out clothes. But we eat healthily and I can just about heat the home outside the worst of winter. I've long forgotten the real world. Just don't relate to it at all.

Mum's bedroom windows were very draughty so I fixed them as best as I could when she had a (rare) visit to my brother for a few days - Mum would NEVER allow me to work in her room normally. I tried but it was impossible to fix them from outside. And outrageously dangerous for me...

Sometimes in caring, you have to do the "wrong" thing to do right by the person you care for. She's surely noticed the work but also has noticed that her room isn't so cold - and so doesn't seem to mind. Is there a way that you could get her on a break so that you could just get on with the work?

Or might her reaction upon her return be detrimental to her health? Perhaps try something like pruning her branches without her permission and knowledge - see her reaction afterwards and make a decision from there.

Replacing the lock could be as simple as getting a locksmith to open that door (if necessary), you replace the lock and then leave the new key somewhere that she'll find it. Keep the spare and perhaps cut copies for when she loses them. It might actually make her day that she's found it...

The danger with lost keys is if the key is dropped outside of the house. If you keep the spare, you can always repeat the process again, if a lost key is potentially gained by persons unknown/undesirable.

Without seeing the cistern, I can't say how quick/easy it'd be to fix. Often not a pleasurable job but it needs to be done. A patch up might leave her none-the-wiser.

 

[Susan11]

You know your mother - but don't be too harsh on her if you feel that she's being miserly.

My mother grew up in poverty after her father died when she was a toddler. She unknowingly married into debts and suffered a very long marriage of constant debts. She ALWAYS had to scrimp and save and keep savings for emergencies, just to keep out of trouble. Of course, where she could, she tried to keep details of this from us (her kids).

Now she's a widow with Alzheimer's and she just continues in the same vein. She never spent money on luxuries and she refuses to draw money to buy even ESSENTIALS. She'd STRESS if she spent money, even though she can EASILY afford it. She also goes without because she wants to generate a large inheritance for her kids. In reality, she's miserly towards herself.

I'm her full-time carer and I've been supporting us on my Carers' Allowance and Income Support top-up (£109.10 weekly average) for years, now. I can't get things done and the house looks a state - as do I with my patched and worn out clothes. But we eat healthily and I can just about heat the home outside the worst of winter. I've long forgotten the real world. Just don't relate to it at all.

Mum's bedroom windows were very draughty so I fixed them as best as I could when she had a (rare) visit to my brother for a few days - Mum would NEVER allow me to work in her room normally. I tried but it was impossible to fix them from outside. And outrageously dangerous for me...

Sometimes in caring, you have to do the "wrong" thing to do right by the person you care for. She's surely noticed the work but also has noticed that her room isn't so cold - and so doesn't seem to mind. Is there a way that you could get her on a break so that you could just get on with the work?

Or might her reaction upon her return be detrimental to her health? Perhaps try something like pruning her branches without her permission and knowledge - see her reaction afterwards and make a decision from there.

Replacing the lock could be as simple as getting a locksmith to open that door (if necessary), you replace the lock and then leave the new key somewhere that she'll find it. Keep the spare and perhaps cut copies for when she loses them. It might actually make her day that she's found it...

The danger with lost keys is if the key is dropped outside of the house. If you keep the spare, you can always repeat the process again, if a lost key is potentially gained by persons unknown/undesirable.

Without seeing the cistern, I can't say how quick/easy it'd be to fix. Often not a pleasurable job but it needs to be done. A patch up might leave her none-the-wiser.

Hi Cinderella. I think you should investigate the support you could receive . You do not make it clesr whether your Mum has any savings or inome. If she has this should be used for her care whatever she says. You should be able to claim higher attendance allowance which is about £85 per week You need POA too.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Cinderfella, welcome to the forum. I hope you find support here.

In case they may be of help to you here's a couple of links to Society Factsheets. Click the PDF lines if you wish to read/print the documents

Assessment for care and support in England (418)
PDF printable version

Benefits (413)
PDF printable version

 

[Buskitten]

You know your mother - but don't be too harsh on her if you feel that she's being miserly.

My mother grew up in poverty after her father died when she was a toddler. She unknowingly married into debts and suffered a very long marriage of constant debts. She ALWAYS had to scrimp and save and keep savings for emergencies, just to keep out of trouble. Of course, where she could, she tried to keep details of this from us (her kids).

Now she's a widow with Alzheimer's and she just continues in the same vein. She never spent money on luxuries and she refuses to draw money to buy even ESSENTIALS. She'd STRESS if she spent money, even though she can EASILY afford it. She also goes without because she wants to generate a large inheritance for her kids. In reality, she's miserly towards herself.

I'm her full-time carer and I've been supporting us on my Carers' Allowance and Income Support top-up (£109.10 weekly average) for years, now. I can't get things done and the house looks a state - as do I with my patched and worn out clothes. But we eat healthily and I can just about heat the home outside the worst of winter. I've long forgotten the real world. Just don't relate to it at all.

Mum's bedroom windows were very draughty so I fixed them as best as I could when she had a (rare) visit to my brother for a few days - Mum would NEVER allow me to work in her room normally. I tried but it was impossible to fix them from outside. And outrageously dangerous for me...

Sometimes in caring, you have to do the "wrong" thing to do right by the person you care for. She's surely noticed the work but also has noticed that her room isn't so cold - and so doesn't seem to mind. Is there a way that you could get her on a break so that you could just get on with the work?

Or might her reaction upon her return be detrimental to her health? Perhaps try something like pruning her branches without her permission and knowledge - see her reaction afterwards and make a decision from there.

Replacing the lock could be as simple as getting a locksmith to open that door (if necessary), you replace the lock and then leave the new key somewhere that she'll find it. Keep the spare and perhaps cut copies for when she loses them. It might actually make her day that she's found it...

The danger with lost keys is if the key is dropped outside of the house. If you keep the spare, you can always repeat the process again, if a lost key is potentially gained by persons unknown/undesirable.

Without seeing the cistern, I can't say how quick/easy it'd be to fix. Often not a pleasurable job but it needs to be done. A patch up might leave her none-the-wiser.

Thanks cinderfella lots of good advice

 

[silkiest]

I tend to mention things that need doing, and get a vague agreement that 'something needs to be done'. I then arrange for the appropriate person to visit and organise the work. If the pwd queries it I remind her we have already talked about it and it will be sorted on the date in her diary. It avoids so many arguments. It has worked so far this year for a complete bathroom refit, replacement of broken toilet and sink in the en suite and replacement of lock in front door.

If keys are getting lost or left in the door so it is difficult to get inthere is a lock that can fitted that does not use a key on the inside.The local agent that fits key safes told me about it. If the PWD receives attendance allowance it could be fitted free of charge. MIL did not like the change but quickly became used to it. No more lost keys when she wants to lock the door after people leave, and no more worry re access when she is unwell

 

[Buskitten]

Thanks silkiest, all these suggestions help so much!