Hi, I wonder if anyone has advice for me please. My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in July 2016, aged just 64. She has declined rapidly and in August this year, after a spell in respite care, we made the heartbreaking decision to let her stay in the nursing home as she was very happy there. She was getting the care she deserved, that my brother and I were no longer able to give her. The reason being that in May 2017 lives were turned upside down again when our father was diagnosed with terminal cancer (he had neglected his own health to care for my mother). Since his diagnosis my mother has not been able to retain the information that my father is ill or dying. She lacks the mental capacity to understand or empathise. “Look at that lazy b*****d in bed all the time” was her usual response (you have to senthr funny side don’t you). Sadly my father is now in the final stages of his courageous battle and is too poorly to visit my mum. The last few times I’ve visited her without him she has never asked about him or asked where he is. I am struggling with the decision of whether to tell her he is dying. She won’t retain that information and my biggest concern is that she will be upset but then forget why she’s upset, but the feelings/emotions are still there. Would blissful ignorance be kinder to her as she’s so happy and content at the nursing home. It feels like I am playing god, but I really feel it would be kinder not to tell her. Same goes for the funeral, I think it would be too overwhelming for her with everyone coming up to her and talking to her. I think I she would be anxious and scared. I really don’t know what to do. As I write this, the district nurse has just confirmed she thinks he will pass in the next 24 hours. Any advice or suggestions you have would be welcome. Thank you
Should I tell her?
- Thread starter Janninio
- Start date
Hello @Janninio
The tone of your post tells me you already know what to do but are just asking for a bit of reassurance.
There is nothing to gain by telling your mother how close to death your father is if she is no longer aware of his presence or his illness.
I also think the same about the funeral. She may not even understand who the funeral is for so why cause her upset if it can be avoided.
In addition to this, you have your own grief to contend with and having a seriously ill mother and dying father is more than enough for anyone.
Others may think differently but I`m all for protecting those most vulnerable from as much upset as possible. Please trust your own judgement. You know your mother and yourself better than anyone.
I hope your father is pain free and has a peaceful death.
The tone of your post tells me you already know what to do but are just asking for a bit of reassurance.
There is nothing to gain by telling your mother how close to death your father is if she is no longer aware of his presence or his illness.
I also think the same about the funeral. She may not even understand who the funeral is for so why cause her upset if it can be avoided.
In addition to this, you have your own grief to contend with and having a seriously ill mother and dying father is more than enough for anyone.
Others may think differently but I`m all for protecting those most vulnerable from as much upset as possible. Please trust your own judgement. You know your mother and yourself better than anyone.
I hope your father is pain free and has a peaceful death.
I think it would be kinder not to let her know more than once. If you tell her once, you can feel comfortable with the fact that she's been told. You are quite right in thinking she'll get upset and then stay upset for a while.
I never told my mother about the death of her husband, sister or brother. It would only have upset her for no purpose.
I never told my mother about the death of her husband, sister or brother. It would only have upset her for no purpose.
My brother died in August, we made the decision not to tell Mum as we felt she just didn't have the capacity to understand and would have been too distressing to keep telling her and she wouldn't remember. One the hardest things we've had to do. I really miss my brother and it's been hard keeping it from her, especially when she speaks about him (which is rarely, to be fair) but I do feel guilty. Big hugs to you x
I don't have advice to add to the above, I just wanted to say, welcome to Talking Point, although I am sorry you had to find us, and especially under these sad and complicated circumstances. I am terribly sorry to hear about your parents. Best wishes.
